THE STUDENT'S UNION NEWSPAPER OF THE LONDON SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS
24 TH JANUARY, 1994 ISSUE 393

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Front Cover Credits Photo: Joanna Arong Layout and Design: Ron Voce Inspiration: Rob, 2 Bottles of Lowenbrau Pils, Virgin 1215 & My Mum
2 - News	^he Reaver_24th January 1994
Union
Jack
Today's UGM was crap, it was absolute bollocks; in Jack's many years of experi ence he has never witnessed a UGM of comparable idiocy. Its only redeeming features were Avi's amazing direct hit scored on Nick Kirby and - well, actually, that was the only redeeming feature.
This apart we were treated to a superlative collection of drciss; the aforementioned Kirby banned discussion of any of the motions on the order paper, not a good start, while Tesher 'the Leaderene' Fitzpatrick steadfastly refused to answer any of the questions put to her. Why did she organise a picket of John Patten without a mandate from the UGM? - It was the exec's fault, they are in charge of "day-to-day running of the Union" (pathetic or what). Why did she not take her opportunity to speak to John Patten directly? - "frankly I'd rather not." (?) Will she ask the school how much additional expenditure was incurred hiring the Royalty Theatre for Patten? - (answer garbled and incomprehensible).
And that was that - the meeting closed. Now, if your task was to write a column depicting our weekly fiascos, you might feel slightly miffed by this eventuality. Jack certainly did. He was reduced to casting around for possible topics for discussion among the degenerates with whom he associates. As usual they weren't overwhelmingly helpful; 'fitness in Bognor' was their only suggestion. However, beggars can't be choosers. And Jack, despite his lack of expertise, began work on a mighty epic on the aforesaid theme.
I once met a girl in Bognor,
started talking about fitness.
After a while I said sod 'er,
and began a trip to Lochness.
However, according to Ron,
this rhyme tends towards crapness.
And thus, being no moron,
I will no more be feckless.
Jesus, here come the men in white coats. Phew, that was close, they were coming for LSE's resident Tory love-child; Erik Mielke. Jeck can continue with his efforts.
Have you ever wondered what the basics, to which various Tories have been constantly referring, actually are? Jack realises that this does not follow from the foregoing poetic exercise but then he's going through a re-building stage, lets face it he needs it. Anyway, courtesy of Jack, here is the definitive list of ministers and their basics.
Ken Clarke: Beer & fags, scotch eggs, dodgy suits,
hush puppies.
Edwina Currie: Eggs.
Michael Portillo: Peter Lilley.
Peter Lilley: Michael Portillo.
John Patten: Free education for all (?)
Tim Yeo: Sex.
John Major: High quality catering, bastards.
Virginia Bottomley: The Independent, love children. David Hunt: Anonymity.
Goodbye then, more from Jack next week if, and this is a big if, there is a UGM. And sorry this is crap but, sod it, nothing happened.
Patten Smudged
Sarita Khajuira and Toby Childs
Peter Lilley, Virginia Bottomley, Ken Baker, and finally on the Wednesday of last week, John Patten followed in the line of Conservative MPs to visit the LSE.
There was a strange sense of deja vu in the air as the afternoon began with the now standard practice of a demonstration. The protesters were chanting the familiar, but heartfelt phrases regarding the student grant cuts, and brandished their 'Mickey Mouse' placards. But they were once again frustrated as Patten found an alternative entrance to the building. The Metropolitan police were also once again present; a few students even stopped to greet familiar faces. The only addition to the scene was the presence of the national media who appeared to be showing a surprising interest in the whole event. Could it perhaps be because they anticipated some sort of adverse reaction?
Despite the official Student Union stance of a counter rally being held outside, the auditorium of The Royalty Theatre filled rapidly to seat around 350 students. It is somewhat debatable as to whether the main attraction was the content of the speech, or its entertainment value. Nonetheless, Mr.Patten was greeted with a round of applause followed by the routine hurling of abuse by the small, but vociferous, left-wing contingent. For the moment they opted for the simple approach with several repetitions of'scum.' The media paid them due attention, after which they sat down. The general atmosphere amidst the audience was one of expectation and they were
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Patten fails to make the earth move for the sleeping policeman
Photo: Pam Keenan
not disappointed. For the most part Patten's speech went unhindered; but there was enough heckling from both left and right-wing factions,not to mention Patten himself, to ensure the satisfaction of all.
Rumours that the RCP were going to violently storm the venue proved somewhat unfounded; instead they aimed for the alternative approach - child storming. Some way into the speech several activists, one of whom was armed with a young child dressed in a placard, made their way towards the stage. Much to the delight of the media, the child began to cry.
However, the highlight of the whole event was the now traditional throwing of eggs. Four of these farmyard delights were hurled during the course of the speech - rumours of an orange being flung are as yet uncon-
1



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The alternative LSESU rally, held outside the Royalty Theatre
Photo: Scott Wayne
firmed. Apart from the general mess, these actions provoked a few revelations: Erik Mielke's undiscovered egg-deflecting talents; and Adam Morris' superior ability to spot the culprits while jubilantly shouting " He did it! He did it!"
As the speech drew to a close, the stewards were forced to contain the restless left-wingers; one of them receiving a blow to the face in the process.
When the meeting closed The Secretary of State beat a hasty exit back stage commenting: "we have to get out of here before things happen."
Talking afterwards Dr John Ashworth, the School's Director, alluded to the fact that there had been no questions about the current Education Bill: "I found it amazing that there were no questions about the reform of Student Unions. Ithoughtitwas absolutely extraordinary, and I'm sure so will he [Patten]."
He thought it unfortunate that becaiuse of the LSE SU activities outside in Sheffield Street "none of the points were put by people who understood what the arguments were about so the Secretary of State will go away thinking they don't care about the Union reforms." On the subject of the missile throwing the Director said, "other things being equal, I think it was a sad waste of a couple of eggs."
In the end all sides seemed to go away happy, having managed to get their fair share of publicity. Mission accomplished all round.
The News Editors had hoped for a report of the Alternative rally from the Students' Union. It was unforthcoming.
24 th January 1994
TAic Reaver
News - 3
The Teflon Minister Spealcs
Minister aggstatic at psceptlnn, having bean teld by Ulley te wear Ma warat ault
Phil Tod
In a speech at theRoyalty Theatre last Wednesday, Secretary of State for Education John Patten received a mixed reception ranging from heckles and eggs to loud applause .
In scenes reminiscent of past visits by Tory ministers, Patten was heckled and insulted by students protesting about government cutbacks in Higher Education.
The speech was interrupted by Revolutionary Communist Party activist Dennis Russell, who approached the stage carrying a child on his shoulders in protest at government policies. Several students including members of LSE SWSS then began throwing eggs at Patten, whilst reporters from the national press filmed and took photographs.
John Patten, who was invited by the LSE Conservatives, welcomed the opportunity to speak at LSE and remarked dryly that Peter Lilley sent his regards. He admitted that in the past few weeks, " 24 hours has seemed a bit like an eternity", a reference to the government's recent difficulties. He spoke of250 years of Tory domination of British politics, and boasted that the Conservative Party was "the party with the oldest political history in the Western world." He recognised the difficulties of continuing to develop policies "whilst riding in the saddle", and spoke of the "luxury of opposition" which enabled parties to rethink their policies. He also claimed that opposition parties were following the Tory lead in a whole range of policies..
At this point, his speech was interrupted by Dennis Russell approaching the stage, carry-
ing a child on his shoulders and protesting at government policies on nursery education. As a group of left-wing students surged forward, heckling and throwing eggs at Patten, the national media crowded round the protesters. One egg struck Patten and another hit Erik Mielke, Chainnan of the LSE Conservatives, who was trying to intervene.
Patten responded by deploring "a poor day for freedom of speech and for the image of British students". He added that "to use a little child in this way is one of the sickest things I have ever seen", to warm applause from large sections of the audience. As the uproar subsided, he returned to his speech and said there would be no return to the "trendy theories of the past."
Patten defended school and university league tables , and on law and order, he accused the Opposition of trying to "shuffle off responsibility onto society". Claiming that the Tories had won the argument, he said that Tony Blair was also using the language of "personal responsibility and the difference between right and wrong."
The Secretary of State argued that the Tories had engineered a "revolution" in higher education. The increase in the number of young people in further education, from 1 in 8 in 1979 to 1 in 3 today, represented "one of the biggest social revolutions this country has ever seen", he claimed. He also cited an OECD report, insisting that Britain had the most generous provision for students in the European Union.
LSE Conservative chairman Erik Mielke came under fire for his choice of questions. In an audience of widely differing opinions, three out of the eight questions he took came from known Conservative students.
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The Secretary of State for Education, John Patten, speaking to students in the Royalty Theatre last Wednesday. He continued his address despite having eggs thrown at him. Having given his speech and answered carefully selected questions, Patten bid a hasty retreat, refusing to speak to The Beaver
Photo: Pam Keenan
homosexual couples. He rejected the latter, and spoke of "the importance of having fathers around", which prompted cries of "Tim Yeo!". He concluded by describing these values as "the kind that underpin our society" and congratulated the prime minister on his Ijack to basics' campaign.
John Patten is the first in a series of top ranking Conservative ministers, including Michael Portillo and Norman Tebbit, due to visit the LSE in coming weeks. Some staff are alleging that this is part of a concerted plan by LSE Tories to discredit protestors and those campaigning against Student Union reforms.
During the questions. Patten avoided giving straight answers to many of them, including " Why do we have to rely on Sir Ron Dearing to pick up the pieces of your own incompetence?", which was met with an eloquent speech in praise of Sir Ron's report on tests and the National curriculum. He also argued in response to a question about high levels of graduate unemployment, that "we can't guarantee a job for life for anyone". On the subject of league tables, he said that his department was exploring ways of including measures of the value added to education by teachers.
Louise Ashon of SWSS attacked Tory cuts in grants, and
asked how students were expected to live on £53 a week when hall rents alone were sometimes higher. Repl5ang, Patten made the somewhat dubious comment ttiat Britain was "unique in the EC" in paying student's fees. He also argued that" no one has to take up the loan", which is repaid when a student is earning 85% of the national average wage. He also repeated comments by Chancellor Ken Clarke that the two thirds of young people who don't go into Higher Education shouldn't have to pay for it.
Finally, the Secretary of State was quizzed about his views on traditional values and whether these applied to single mothers and the adoption of children by
The Press Notes: nmeilng Reports
Steve Roy
The Patten visit at tracted a lot of attention fi-om the national media, who comprised most of the fi"ont two rows of the Royalty Theatre. Cameramen from ITN, BBC, Sky News and Carlton's "London Tonight", as well as reporters from the dailies and agency press were in attendance.
As a result most of Thursday's papers carried the story: The Daily Telegraph had a picture of Louise Ashon shouting and pointing, as well as one of John Patten removing egg
from his suit. Erik Mielke was also singled out for "placing himselfin the line of fire." The Guardian's brief paragraph said that Patten "explained government policy" to LSE students. Today added that "eggs and abuse" were hurled, but that they missed their target, which contradicted other news-paper reports. Today also claimed Patten ignored the protestors, which amused those who clearly heard him "abusing" those shouting. The Times paid tribute to Mielke's attempts to shield Patten from the "the brief onslaught".
putting the audience for the event at a conservative 300. The Times highlighted the apparent "infiltration by Socialist Worker students", referring to the alleged presence of a member of SOAS, who reportedly threw the eggs. Mentioning the punch thrown at Paul Birrell, their article concluded with a direct quote from Mielke, who related his unfortunate attempt to catch one of the eggs. The Daily Mail paid tribute to Patten's "egg resistant suit", which he was advised to wear by Peter Lilley. The Daily Express also published a photo-
graph, and spoke of the "sick stunt" involving Dennis Russell's child, who apparently couldn't afford a babysitter. The Evening Standard, in some editions, carried pictures of Patten and Mielke.
Such widespread coverage seemed to confirm reports from some sectors that Patten's office had deliberately tipped off the media, with the LSE Conservative Association also involved.
The incident also featured on the BBC's Six O'Clock News, Capital Radio, and LBC Newstalk.
VanaUaaTaBe Made England Baas?
LSEEconomics Lecturer ProfessorT.Venablesis poised to take on one of the bi^est jobs in sport, as he is widely expected to be named England manager.
UptonowVenableshasspent muchofhistimegivingEconom-ics lectures, but now he is anticipating spending more time onthetraininggroimd, readyfor England's assaialt on the 1996 Exoropean Championships.
Venables was busy finalising his squad last week when the Beaver tried to speak to him.__
4 - News	The Reaver	24th January 1994
POUnCKHG
The determinaton of our revered Prime Min ister to deal with the members of the Cabi net who he clearly blames for the spectacular own goal which "Back to Basics" has become was shown by his pronouncement that he was going to "fucking crucify" Messrs. Lilley, Portillo and Redwood. Major has since denied making the remark which was reported in both "The Sun" and the "Daily Mail", although both the papers are sticking to their stories. The alleged remark was made at the recent party for Major's outgoing press secretary, Gus O'Donnell, held at No. 10. POLITICKING hears that perhaps the reason for the remark to be reported by those papers and ignored by several others is that whilst lobby correspondents of most of the press were invited to the bash (including George Jones of the Torygraph and Robin Oakley of the B.B.C.) certain names were ommitted from the guest list; namely the political editors and chief lobby correspondents of, erm, The Sun and The Daily Mail.
Michael Portillo may be about to be crucified according to John Major, yet the alarmingly over-promoted Portillo is himself involved in deals related to the forthcoming succession to John Major. POLITICKING hears that he will be involved in an unholy alliance with Ken Clarke to secure the leadership of the Tories. Whilst Clarke will be able to secure the moderate votes for leadership, his problems will come from the right wing of the party, who are unwilling to trust the self-admitted Euro-enthusiast. Portillo will be able to deliver the right wing votes for Clarke, so they can both keep the smug lawyer Michael Howard out, in return for the key to No. 11 Dovming Street. Despite being surprised that anybody would actually want to be leader of the Tories, POLITICKING has been informed that there are certain revelations about to come out that will seriously harm his career. Remember, you read it here first...
Tony Marlow, the M.P. for Northampton North, has been so impressed by the trail blazed by his party's leadership with their back to basics programme that he has devised his own strand of the policy that isn't a policy. He has put down an amendment to the Criminal Justice and Public Order Bill, headed under 'public exposure of offenders'. He calls for convicted criminals to have their photographs printed in the local press and for offenders to be "exposed to public view in a designated public place." POLITICKING could not agree more, if it is good enough for Messrs. Yeo, Ashby and Duncan....
Part of the deal for the Unionists to save the government last summer was the creation of a Select Committee for Northern Ireland. There has been some delay in setting up the committee, largely because of the extremely sensitive matter of choosing somebody to chair it. Former Northern Ireland Minister Michael Mates has been suggested, as has the humourless Official Unionist leader James Molyneaux. Both are completely unsuitable, and according to a Labour insider the choice of John Smith would be the Scottish Labour M.P. Norman Hogg. The former Deputy Chief Whip has proved himself to be a talented administrator in chairing two committees and would possibly even keep Ian Paisley relatively satisfied. The main problem with Hogg, as POLITICKING notes with interest, is that hen is a Labour M.P. and the Labour Party opposed setting up the committee in the first place.
Far be it for POLITICKING to underestimate a gross waste of public money, but last week's column mentioned that the THORP reprocessing plant cost £2.8million. In fact the actual cost was £2.8 billion, meaning it is a thousand times more of a waste of money.
College POLITICKING. The wanderings of Mr. Nick Deardon, the tearful leader of the rebels that do not exist in the Labour Club, grow more interesting by the week. Last term it seemed his drift was leftwards with a close association with the SWSS group. Yet at a recent Labour club meeting, POLITICKING hears, Deardon and other ex-SWSS people joined up. With the hard left in the Labour Club re-establishing itself, perhaps the rumours of the reformation of the D.S.G. were not so premature.
Foundation Sound ?
Helena Mcleod
The Foundation; what is it? Do we need it? Has its power grown Hke the grip of 'The Firm'? The Foundation is one year old and seemingly the 'baby' of the Director John Ash worth. It already employs 15 people and is headed by Howard Raingold, a suitably glitzy name for an organisation which will succeed by projecting its successfulness. Its aim is to raise £40 million within five years to be split between scholarships and financial support (£7.5n; , the Library and information systems (£10m), new academic developments (£12.5m), better facilities and amenities on the school sites (£5m), and student accommodation (£5m). It will do this by drawing on the worldwide alumni of the LSE.
But why should these people donate to the LSE? Raingold understands that you can't rely on mere charity anymore, tax reasons and good P.R. are other motivations for donations. Some quarters believe that too much emphasis has been put on the collecting of funds, whilst the first step of raising the LSE's image to the heights its academic excellence deserves, has been ignored.
The Foundation is calling the initial £40m fundraising drive the 'The Second Century. However, a huge celebration was rejected by the School for the occasion. David Kingsley, a long serving governor of the School, chaired the Centenary Committee set up to draw up
plans for the centenary, which put forward the idea of a World Forum, bringing together the best minds in the world and giving each department of the LSE a chance to show the value of their work to the world.
The World Forum has failed to win funding from the Court of Governors, a decision which was taken by the Standing Committee which has no representation from students. A vote was not even taken on the decision which some student governors are unhappy with, gentleman's' decorum seems to prevent any conti oversial discussion as Derek Diamond asked, "What is the LSE doing in this day and age without any students on the Standing Committee?" Kingsley has since set up a private company to finance the World Forum outside the school, he has raised the £200,000 he refined his ideas to, within 10 weeks of beginning the search, suggesting the attractiveness of the idea. However, Kingsley himself declares the Foundation "is essential", Howard Raingold explains why: "Higher education has suffered very badly from government cuts. In the late 70s the government accounted for 80% of the budget nowadays it has fallen to 32-33% and is likely to fall more." The LSE is competing with all the other institutions in the country, money from consultancy work has increased tenfold over the last decade to £7-8 million, but it is not enough.
Up until now, the Research Office has been the main
fundraising unit with Neil Gregory as Head of Research Services the unit raises 14% of the School's total turnover and has only existed for 10 years, he says, "Our job is to sell the services the School offers for the School", through not only commercial consultancy but commissioned research and managing accounts for research projects. The Foundation has already run into some criticism; one question asked is how can the outlay of £1M per year to the Foundation be justified when last year staffing levels were cut by 5%, Raingold returns, "What the School has spent on us since the 1st of January 1993 has been recouped in cash and pledges" Iain Crawford says some deals were already "in the pipeline".
The Foundation should not be given all the credit for raising money, the research office shows that academics are very good at getting the contacts, but as Neal Gregory said, professionals are needed to "close the deals" and that is where the Foundation comes in. Derek Diamond said "there is always resentment if resources are diverted to something new, but if it makes a profit, resentment will soon disappear." The Foundation depends on students for much of its labour, its Director Raingold says "one of the most important things to us is the support of the student body ..you are consumers of the school and you directly or indirectly pay the school to be here. Your support is important."
Racist Gig Stopped By Anti-Fascist Supporters
Leandro Moura and Mubin Haq
Various fascist organizations from around Europe were invited by the British National Party to a gig in memory of Ian Donaldson, lead singer of the Nazi band Skrewdriver and foimding member of the British Ku Kliax Klan. Several hundred fascists converged on London on Saturday 15th Januaiy hoping to see their idols, 'Blood & Honour' at a pub in Becontree. This was cancelled after a mass mobilisation of anti-Nazis.
A contingent of some 15 LSE students were among about 200 people on their way out of East Ham tube station, when a train pulled in with a dozen fascists aboard it. They were confronted and a small fight broke out, during which train seats were ripped out, and about three Nazis were hurt. We were then forced out of the station and caught the bus to Bow Road, where fascists were gathering in a pub. The police then rounded us up, escorted us onto a tube, and refused to open the doors until we had reached Earls Court. This was a flagrant breach of civil rights. The next train that pulled into the station had 400 anti-fascists aboard it. The police used tear-gas to disperse the angry demonstrators.
A very tangible example of what these fascists are about was experienced by one of the authors of this article, on Thursday 20th. It was a very threatening, racist, homophobic letter, which had been posted to the Students' Union. This shows
that when we talk about the threat to coloured people each day on the streets, it is not an abstract concept designed to scare people. It is something which is very real and does affect students. This sort of action goes wholly against all the principles and policies of the LSE Students Union, and will not be tolerated here.
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24th January 1994	I^C^VBK	Current Affairs - 5
The Reasons for Sixteen
Ralph Wilde
If politicians have leant anything from the fallout of "back to basics" it is the dangerous nature of any attempt to impose one view of morality on the nation as a whole. But gay men like myself are used to being on the receiving end of such unfortunate ideological nationalization - no more so than in the current age of consent laws, which allow for consensual heterosexual and lesbian sex at 16, but deny gay men any legal expression of their sexuality until they are 21. Years after virtually every single other Council of Europe country introduced equal ages of consent, this issue is finally before Parliament in the form of an allparty amendment (submitted by Edwina Currie, Chris Smith, Robert McClennan and Neil Kinnock amongst others) to the Criminal Justice Bill. It will be a free vote, subject to the individual consciences of all MPs.
This law is one of the most fundamental pieces of institutionalised discrimination on the statute books of any western European democracy. It was introduced in the Sexual Offences Act of 1967 and at that time was one of the most progressive in Europe. We have since fallen so far behind the record of other European counties (Ireland introduced an equal age of consent last summer) that the only comparison that can be made is with Russia under communism (she too scrapped her sodomy laws last year.)
The State has no right to use the criminal law to tell two consensual adults what they should be doing behind closed doors. This sort of misguided intervention is against the democratic tradition that we in Europe hold so dear.
There are legitimate concerns about young people being unsure about their sexuality. This leads some to favour 18 so that teenagers are not encouraged by the legality to experiment and end up committing themselves to homosexuality, but instead have to wait until 18 by which time they will hopefully have grown out of it. This homespun treatise on teenage sexuality is a dangerous myth recognized as such by both the British Medical Association BMA) and the Royal College of Psychiatrists who are both backing 16 because they insist that sexuality is actually fixed for the vast majority of people before they are 16. The "confusion" is not with the sexuality itself but with society's reaction to it, and if we are concerned for the young people who have to face such prejudice we do not help
them by enshrining inequality in the criminal law.
The opponents of change continue that, even if young men are sure that they are gay by the are of 16, we should nevertheless protect them against the predatory advances of older men. Whilst I agree that young people need to be protected against things they do not want to do, surely we should want to protect all people, irrespective of their sexuality. Are young gay men more at risk from geriatric lechery than straight teenage girls ? Of course not. What we are dealing with here is consent-anything else should be covered by laws dealing with abuse, assault and rape. Ironically, whereas young gay men are thought so spectacularly more vulnerable than their female heterosexual peers that they cannot have consensual sex until 21, if they are raped the criminal law does not treat the crime with the same severity as female rape. If people really want to protect gay men from being assaulted, they are looking in the wrong place in seeking to address this concern with the age of consent advocating the introduction of the offence of male rape would be more appropriate.
The only fear left is that if we allow young gay men to have sex at 16 it will lead to an increase in HIV infection. This is perhaps the most disturbing misconception of them all. At the age of 16 young people have so many hormones flying around it is irresponsible to suggest that we can prevent them from getting pregnant and becoming HIV-positive by banning them fi-om having sex. This is indeed why the heterosexual age of consent is set at 16 - to recognize that 16 year olds are sexually active and to make it possible for them to make sensible decisions based on sound safe sex information. The present set up for gay men does not stop them from having sex-it merely stops them getting the vital HIV information that they need, and forces them into potentially dangerous situations as they try and find a way of expressing their sexuality. Distressing cases continue to emerge of teenagers infected with a disease that they don't even understand. We owe it to these people to ensure that the next generation are not tragically affected by the "protection" offered by 21.
I am taking the Government to the European Court of Human Rights because it is indefensible to use the criminal law so.destructively to impose one view of morality on vulnerable teenagers. Young people of 16 should be encouraged to begin to play their part in society.






Ralph Wilde and his Mother at the House of Commons last week
not disenfranchised by a law that does not recognize their existence until the age of 21, and legitimises discrimination against them. The House of
Commons has the rare opportunity to have an informed debate about the state and individual morality, and I hope that the Mother of Parliaments
Photo: Joanna Arong
will endorse the principle of equality and end the present unnecessary restrictions on the liberty of some of its electorate.
Plan-it Earth
Laure Beaufiils
Let us imagine a typical Guinean woman. Most probably illiterate and without secondary education, she wiU be married by the age of 16. By the time she is 44 (average female life expectancy in Guinea), she will have had 6, maybe 7 children and wiU have been lucky if one of them doesn't die before the age of one (the infant mortality rate in Guinea is 134/1000).
Let us now consider an average British woman. Possibly studying or perhaps working, she will only be getting married at the age of 25 (if at all), only to give birth (if so she wishes) to 2 healthy babies (infant mortality rate in UK=8/ 1000) a bit later on. And so she will happily live to see her grand-children who will be there to care for her in her old age before she passes away at the age of 79.
The rationale behind such comparisons is not to shock people or to make them feel "bad", as some argue. It is simply to raise awareness and to make us realize that we are not helpless when confronting such situations.
The fact is that there are obvious, fundemental differences in the opportunities that Guinean and British women have. And as we all know, this
is not only true of Guinea. In Kenya for instance, as few as 34% of women are attended by trained practitioners during delivery. In Pakistan, 1 in 6 children die before their fifth birthday and in the Pakistani capital, Karachi, the situation is even more devastating: 1 in 7 babies die in their first year of life. In Romania, as it is the case in many East European countries, abortion is the known and accepted method of birth control since contraceptives remain a rare, expensive and unknown commodity: a year's supply of the contraceptive pill is worth two weeks' salary in most places.
All this calls for Family Planning, giving.women and men the choice to plan and space their children. Itisacom-monly accepted fallacy that women in the so-called "Third World" wish to have continual pregnancies, - and to have to risk death from illegal and unsafe abortions or complicated childbirth - or to be mothers as early as 12.1 do not believe that to be in their cultural traditions, and in fact, worldwide evidence suggests that 300 million women and men throughout the world want to use family planning - but are unable to do so because of lack of services. Family planning organisations are therefore respond-
ing to a I'eal need, and not ini-posing their values.
¦ It is in this context that international agencies such as Marie Stopes International (MSI) are developing clinics, maternal and child-health centres, or various programmes (eg DIAL-A-CONDOM in Addis Ababa (Ethiopia) where supplies of condoms are delivered by a bicycle team who respond to telephone orders, Fam-ily Life Education projects to make adolescents aware of the responsibilities of parenthood and sexual behaviour, or Male Awareness Programmes). The aim of MSI is to provide those who wish to use family planning with the opportunity to do so and also to place emphasis on each local organisation achieving self-sufficiency.
Today, 300 million women and men in the "developing world" still do not have access to family planning; by the year 2000 it will be 567 million. Marie Stopes International needs your help to change that. It has created a program called Plan-ItEarth and will be staging events in the LSE in the weeks to come in the hope of raising funds for its many projects around the world. Please bear in mind the 500,000 women who die each year as a result of pregancy or child birth complications.
6 - Advertisement
Tfte Reaver
24 th January 1994

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24th January 1994 _Hhe ^eaver _ Campus - 7
Let's Go Walkabout
This week we're in troducing a new feature. WatchoutfortheCam-pus Editors, who will be wandering the corridors of LSE, randomly selectingin-tervie wees in search of fame and fortune. This week, the Brunch Bowl was the place to be, where we encountered a first year economist CHRIS THOMAS,
Why did you come to LSE?
I applied to 5 universities, as most people do on their UCCA form, with the recommendation of some tutors, because I hadn't done economics before. Cambridge was one of them, and I didn't get offered a place at Cambridge. The other two I was interested in were either Warwick or LSE. I went to the open days at both. Warwick I took against immediately, LSE I likedi so I decided to come here.
Do you like the LSE?
I do quite. I find it a place of quite interesting conflict. I like London, I like the atmosphere here. There are one or two things I would improve or change but, well, for instance I'd like it to have more space. I'd like there to be more communal meeting places, and certain things like that. I'd like there to be less hassle. Part of the problem seems to be that it's in London, but that's all part of the spirit and part of the adventure I like about the place.
Today we are sitting in the Brunch Bowl. Have you met or heard of the blonde woman on the till?
I haven't met her or heard of her except I've probably seen her in the Brunch Bowl.
What do you think of her?
I haven't noticed anything, I must admit.....
I understand that today you had an omelette and salad for lunch with a glass of water. What do you think of your meal and what do you think of the food provided in the Brunch Bowl?
I find it adequate, essentially whenever I'm in the Brunch Bowl I tend to go for something quite light (I go for Philadelphia myself - Ed) - that's where the omelette fits in. The salad is fine, fresh enough. Perhaps I'd like a bit more variety in the type of food served here - a bit
less stodgy, because most of the choices seem to be that way, but then I suppose I could easily go to one of the other restaurants here.
Who is the maddest person that you know of at LSE?
I don't know the person who I quite think is maddest, probably one of the socialists who try and in my eyes deny free speech to many others. For example the Virginia Bottomley incident, which I was quite surprised at.
Who would you blame for the occupation at LSE last term?
I would blame firstly people for getting too hyped up and not controlling their protest. Secondly, there must be something in the Constitution which made the vote happen in one part as opposed to two parts, so the occupation wasn't voted on separately in the end even though it was in the middle. I think there was a lot of misunderstanding at the meeting which voted for it. I know some people I was talking to voted for one thing, but thought they were voting for exactly the opposite. '
How do you rate the women at LSE?
I've not really been terribly interested in that because I have my own girlfriend outside the school. The girls I've spoken to seem perfectly nice, perfectly happy. I didn't come here with the express intention of coming here to shag everybody.
But have you been sexually attracted to many, perhaps any women at LSE?
One or two, certainly, yes.
When you walk into the Tuns, whichisyourfavourite table?
When I go into the Tuns, I tend not to go in there any more other than in an on the hoof manner, so I go in there, pick up a sandwich or something and go out, meet somebody, talk to somebody on the street. I suppose if there were a table, it would be one towards the pool table.
Are you a pool fan?
Not greatly. I've played it once or twice - not in the Tuns.
Whaf s your feve Tuns sandwich?

\1 ' ***



"I didn't come here with the express intention of coming here to shag everybody"
Photo: Marge
It would be cheese and tomato or one of those with salad - a hain salad, a simple one.
What do you think about the recent wave of felching (anyone who needs an explanation of this term, please speak to Ron in the Beaver Orifice ) at LSE?
It seems an inappropriate and horrible thing to do. I suppose if it gives some people attraction they can do it, as long as it doesn't impinge on others.
What's your favourite word or phrase?
It would be something along the lines of floccinauc-inihilipilification.
Why?
It has an attractiveness, it achieves what it tries to do. It' meansbelittle,andifsalongword.
What are your New Year's resolutions?
I didn't make any, I don't believe in making them.
Why not?
It seems pointless to me to tiy and say you're going to be good, you're going to do this, you're going to try and achieve that, especially at New Year. I think firstly I like making lists of what I'm going to do and what I'm going to achieve. I think its inappropriate to set aside a cer-
tain time of year to tiy and do it, rather than just do it generally, and tiy and be good all the time.
What is your motto in life?
Individualism and excellence. Individualism because I think people should be able to go out on their own, work with others as and when they feel like it. Excellence because I don't think there's any point in doing anything unless you do it well.
Well, hope you eixjoyed our first walkabout (we certainly did). Thanks to Chris for being such a good old chap. Be warned - next week it could be you!
¦¦¦But MIy Sacs ai*^ Full!
David Whippe
Doesn't Political Cor rectness get right on your nerves?
This subject has always riled me, but recently got too much to bear when a friend of mine was turfed out of the U.L.U. laundry half-way through his washing simply because he had the audacity to be male, and the women's hour was starting.
The net result of this was that he was forced to walk home in sub-zero temperatures with a sac-full of soaking wet kecks. Obviously, he had the ulterior motive of not wanting to wash his clothes, but actually wishing to get a glimpse of the girls underwear doing 200 r.p.m. in the tumble-dryer.
This can be disputed though, as it is common knowledge that the only proponents of womens' hours are
frigid cardigan-wearing frumps and man hating lesbians. (Indeed, the fact that the shitty Passfield laundry had broken down again probably had nothing to do with his presence there).
The reason I so vehemently detest the policy of a separate hour for women is that it is based upon the idea that segregation can cure gender differences. This is not true. Segregation of any form merely creates suspicion and mistrust. Without communication, there is no way of solving any problem. The concept is similar to someone stating that all Arabs are Towel-heads without ever having been to the Middle-East to verify this assertion.
Men should consider segregation a personal sleight as it is founded upon the idea that we are all raincoat clad leches who have nothing better to do with our time than spend an hour in the gym watching some
cellulite-cursed maiden fighting a losing battle. I can assure any skeptical women out there that men go through the same feelings of inadequacy when a gorgeous bird walks into the gym and stares at you with the contempt usually reserved for nine-stone weaklings, even if, like myself, you are at the peak of physical perfection.
I could maybe understand segregation if girls were playing nudey tag in the swim-ming-pool, or perfecting knickers-offstep aerobics, but stopping men going into the laundry really is taking the piss. I would like all women out there to ask yourselves one question. Are men really so bad that you can't wash your clothes in the same room as them? The answer is an indefatigable "No." Just talk to us and find out. We don't bite. Well, not strangers at least.
8 - Opinions	_ 24th January 1994
Reaver
I haven't had my hand up so much, since my primary school headmaster asked the question, "When did Queen Anne die?"
Last Wednesday, the Right Honourable John Patten M.P., Secretary of State for Education, came to speak at the LSE. We (the students) decided to do one of three things:
One: Go and listen to him speak, and maybe leam something, or put him on the spot with an apposite question.
Two: Don't go, and attend the LSESU organised anti-rally instead and hear the points raised by speakers that would put Patten on the spot.
Three: Gk) and have lunch in the Cafe, go back to the Library or have a peaceful drink in the Tuns.
Don't worry, the majority of students did the latter. Maybe 200 plus went to hear Patten speak and a few of the "not going in there group" didn't go in. Unsurprisingly, the General Secretary also declined the opportunity to state the case for students' unions in front of the Minister responsible for the bill that is befor Parliament.
Just because Patten wants to take our ball (students' unions) away from us, the LSESU should at least give him reasons why we should keep things as they are. Have the LSESU already resigned themselves to the end of students unions?
To completely ignore him is to ignore the needs of your constituency ofthe Students' Union of the LSE. But then again the majority, the vast majority, of students have already decided that you are ignoring them and didn't turn up and although my hand was up, I never asked my question... and in 1714 Queen Anne died!
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A FowFactual Eppops, but Ralph Says Thanks and Asks Fsp Ysup Conflnuad Suppapt
Dear Ron,
Many thanks for your supportive editorial last week -we now have support from many more MPs and an equal age of consent at 16 is a very real possibility. To clear up an inaccuracy in the article -the case, which has recently been accepted by the Commission of the Council of Europe, is being taken by Will, Hugo and myself, not Stonewall. Stonewall is the lobby organization that is supporting our case -1 am not a representative of Stonewall, I only speak for myself. If anyone
has not written or contacted their MP yet it is not too late but act as soon as possible. As Edwina Currie pointed out at the lobby last Monday (attended by thousands), do not assume that either if they are Conservative they will vote against 16 (for the libertarian far right this is an unnecessary intrusion by the state into the" private lives of individuals) or if they are Labour they are automatically supportive. Many people do not realize that they can come into Parliament any day that the Commons is in session and
call their MP down to the Central Lobby to talk with them about any issue that concerns them. They take very seriously the views of people who have taken the trouble to go in and see them. This is one of those rare occasions where constituents' opinions can really count - it is a free vote on an issue that many MPs have not thought much about. It is our responsibility to ensure that they make an informed decision when the vote comes up.
Yours Ralph Wilde
Tha Danlal al Fpaadam al Spaach Is a Fapm af Faaclsm Whathap Ipam tha Latt ap Right
Dear Beaver,
As I believe that students should be involved in the University life, I attend the Student Union Meetings on Thursdays as often as possible.
However, the meeting today left me very disappointed due to the behaviour of certain sections of the audience. The amount of abuse hurled at speakers and other groups in the audience (e.g. "...you Tory scum bag") was unacceptable. I wonder if the LSE
motto of "equality for all" actually include a political identity clause or if it is acceptable to shout abuse to certain people because of their beliefs.
Finally, I would like to know what would happen if anyone verbally abused the 'left-wing' section ofthe audience. Would he be ostracised as a "dangerous fascist individual" who "endangers the democratic proceedings in the UGM" ?
Sincerely Yours, A. Kouidis
StffladLaggad Hapaaa tap Caupaaa
Dear Ron,
Something has been troubling me, and I was hoping that one of your readers might be able to help me. Well, you know that a horse sleeps up right and it locks its legs in order to achieve this, I just wanted to know if it has ever happened that when it has woken up its legs have lacked permanently in this "sleep lock", thereby rendering the horse defunct?
Equestrians please reply
soon.
From Nola
"Appagani and Cantanpflhla" Pattan Candamnad Fap a Shacking Waata Stndanta Tlma
Dear Sir,
I have an unfortunate confession to make. That is, I just wasted the best part of an hour listening to a certain Conservative minister, one John Patten M.P.
His lecture appeared to consist of two main themes. The first of these appeared to consist of reiterating that the Conservative party had won the intellectual battles of the last twenty years. Are these the battles that allow Conservative ministers to moralize about 'family values' while they commit adultery? Are these the battles of a party that claims to represent the 'decent values' of England (such as honesty) while fleecing the council tax payers of Westminster. Where have these 'victories' got us? A sweat shop economy, decrepit public services, the return of beggars to the streets of London, a crime-wave out of control, a moralizing and hypocritical governing class. Is this what 'back to basics' means - a return to the nineteenth century.
His second theme was that the government should take
the credit for the recent expansion of higher education. At what price was this achieved? At the price of student poverty, crowded lectures, declining quantity of education of graduating unemployment. Furthermore will Patten and his cronies also take the credit for the other social changes in the last twenty years - the rise of greed, avarice and envy, values that are destroying the fabric of this society?
You may find this surprising, but I was genuinely shocked at the complacent arrogance displayed by Mr Patten. After fifteen years of Tory rule, I suppose I should have not expected to hear anything else but contempt from a minister of the Crown.
Paul Johnson of the Spectator recently described the Government as "born in treachery, surviving by subterfuge, double dealing and fraud, Janus-faced and brazen, slippery and underhand, a dismaying blend of incompetence and low cunning, doomed to end in shame and recrimination. I wish it the worst pos-
sible ill-fortune in 1994 and trust that, come the summer, we shall have seen the back of it." I couldn't agree more, Yours sincerely Micky Khurana
Letters to the editor must arrive by 6.00pm of the Wednesday preceding publication. They can be posted in the Beaver Post
Boxes, E-mailed, or handed in to LSESU reception or the
Beaver Office in E197.
24th January 1994	^hc ^eaVBK	Opinions - 9
LSE Conservatives "Come Out Fop an Equal Ago of Consent
Dear Beaver,
I write to the Beaver with something of a request. I recently attended a Stonewall rally held at the Houses of Parliament, along with other members of the LSE. The rally's purpose was to discuss the contentious issue of the age of homosexual consent. It was evident by the large numbers of people present just how important this issue is to many thousands of gay men.
My request is simply that every single person who believes in freedom and responsibility for the individual should write to their MP and urge either hiih or her to vote for an equal age of consent, or if they are unwilling to support this bill to abstain from voting on this issue. But time is short; it is likely that the vote will be held this week. It would be best if these letters were therefore sent directly to the House, and sent off as soon as humanly possible.
It is an effective way of getting this bill through, as many MPs will have received no letters of support, and may hence vote either for 18, which only further complicates and
damages the cause of the right to choose, or for 21, the status quo. It is clear that the majority of people are, like myself, entirely unaffected by this bill, and may not actually care where this bill goes. If this is the case spare a thought for those who are effected by this bill, and who may very well be pilloried and possibly even imprissoned for what is essentially a private matter between two consenting adults, and of no concern to anyone else. It is absurd, even to the most illiberal of minds, that 1000 men have been gaoled for a 'crime' in which there was no victim.
It is important for those affected by this bill that it gets through. Whatever your political beliefs, and whatever your sexual inclinations, that this bill is passed; so lobby your MPs and make it clear that the UK can no longer justify discrimination and persecution of this sort of level in a _ free and democratic country.
Yours sincerely, Paul Birrell, Erik Mielke,Ben Oliver and Adam Morris. LSE Conservative Association.
Dear Colleague,
I am an ex-LSE student and wish to subscribe to the LSE Students Union Newspaper, the BEAVER. I have enjoyed reading every section of the Beaver while I was at the LSE, and wish to keep beavering with the news from down under. Could you please inform me on the cost includ-
Eco - Week
Molly Pincus
As is probably al ready apparent this week, commencing Monday 24th January is an environmental and ecological awareness week at the LSE. Throughout the week LSE Greenpeace have arranged for a variety of speakers to visit the LSE and speak on ecological topics; these include the Liberal-Democrat MP Simon Hughes, Professor Frank Bamaby and ours regional Greenpeace manager Bob Wilson. All the visits wiU be publicized in advance so there is reason for you to advance so there is no reason for you to miss the fascinating and topical speeches, (see the LSE greenpeace Eco-Awareness Week programme for details). In addition to this there will be an
LSE Greenpeace information stand inside the main entrance to the Old Building where you can collect information on Greenpeace and join LSE's largest society (if you haven't already done so!).
On Friday the results of the Green Audit of LSE will be an-noimced with a view to replacing some of our facilities in order to make LSE more ecologically sound place to study. The main aims of the week are fundraising for LSE Greenpeace, promoting environmental issues throughout the school and in so doing recruiting new members, and educating the LSE students as to the way to a cleaner environment. Do not miss any of our fascinating visitors this week and be sure to subscribe to LSE's largest society
S.U. Reply to Tomlln's Allegations
L.S.E.S.U. Executive
The account given in last week's Beaver of the "headbutting" incident is misleading in several respects. At the time of the incident Harry Tomlin was offered support by the Union and declined it. Even though he had specifically said he wanted no help from the Union, Union staff ensured that he had someone with him when he went to the police station and then rang the police periodically to establish what was happening.
By mid evening we had established that both Tomlin and the security guard had been released without charge but that Showsec had threatened to initiate a private prosecution against Tomlin for his alleged assault on their employee. The Union had already got a commitment from the School that the
security guard involved would not be allowed back on campus irrespective of any police action. During the following day, the Union pressed the School to use their influence to ensure that Tomlin was not the subject of a private prosecution. Union officers also continued to negotiate to get the security firm off School premises as quickly as possible.
Tomlin asked for Union support at the beginning of this term and Tesher Fitzpatrick has met with him on three occasions during the last week to discuss what form this support can take. The Executive discussed the incident at the first opportunity and expressed their support for Tomlin.They were quite clear that irrespective of the events that led up to it, an assault on a member of the Union by someone acting as an agent for the School was totally unacceptable. The fact that the person in-
volved was not a staff member and therefore not subject to School disciplinary processes made it doubly unacceptable.
The Union has obtained legal advice about what the Union can do to support Tomlin if he is charged and to pursue the security guard if he is not himself charged. There are strict limits on what the Union can spend money on in these circumstances. It would clearly be ultra vires for the Union to finance some of the legal moves that some students have called for. The Executive will consider what further support they can offer as soon as it is known what legal action is being taken.
In the meantime they are continuing to express to the School the widespread student concern at the use of private security and are meeting with their campus trade unions to discuss a joint approach on this issue.
ABplefLottopofPpalso fpomoup "Down Undop" Coppospomlont
ing airmail to Australia? My address is:
c\o Dept of Accountancy, Faculty of Commerce,The University of WoUongong, NSW, 2522, Australia.
Thanking you for your help and cooperation.
Yours Sincerely, George Mickhail MSc ADMIS 1988/89
Images of Islam
Hasan Khalid
We live in the age of 'The Television.' Many of our views and opinions are handed down to us, ready-made, via the TV. We don't question these views too much, we just accept them. For example our morals. We have come to a stage where morality handed down from Hollywood has been accepted with open arms. Our perception of something, an event, is largely determined by how the event was presented - we don't read between the lines and beyond the bias. Very few have been able to maintain an independent sense of judgement. As intelligent beings we are supposed to be able to rise above frivolous irrelevancies which aim to distract and lies which try to derail; to rise above this and search for the truth. We should be able to form opinions based on 'facts' and 'reality,' and not on hearsay and whimsical opinion.
As proof of this unfortunate situation, look at the image of Islam as portrayed by the giant media machines, and as is held by the Western public by and large. Almost in the same breath as muslim comes a barrage of descriptive titles which do nothing but perpetuate an age old lie. We hear of muslin fundamentalists, extremists and terrorists. We hear that Islam is oppressive, brutal and dictatorial. And complete with these terms come images, merely reinforcing - bearded old men calling for the destruction of America
and everything American; wild crowds ranting and chanting anti-Western slogans; hijackers (thankfully a passing phenomena) and terrorists killing innocent people; always fighting; women shut up in houses, slaves of their husbands, away from society, and so on. These are the images of Islam.
Yet despite this, Islam is easily the fastest growing religion in the world - masses of people in the West are turning away from their old religions, and accepting Islam. If we open our eyes we'll see that not only are Blacks converting, but large numbers of Europeans also; and despite the image of being a so-called 'antifemale' religion, large numbers of women are entering. Moreover, you'll find teenagers and middle-aged people making up the majority, hand-in-hand with the rich and poor. The conversion phenomena knows no boundaries. But why is this? Why is it that such a negatively portrayed faith can command such respect and love that people are actually prepared to leave their former lives and beliefs, and accept Islam? Simple. Those are the above-mentioned people who have been able to rise above ignorance and misleading information to understand the essence of Islam - its beauty, its truthfulness, its purity; in short its divine origin.
These people know that Islam does not stand for mindless violence, especially against non-combatants. They realise that there are specific guidelines on when fighting
is permitted (e.g. in self-de-fence), the methodology of warfare (e.g. how/who to fight), how long to keep on fighting (e.g. until the aggression has stopped) etc. Likewise the oppression of women, these people know that Islam is diametrically opposed to any and all types of oppression, be it physical, mental, sexual or spiritual. Rather Islam liberates her from the oppression which is either self-inflicted (like that of denjdng her nature), or inflicted by men (e.g. rape and physical abuse) or even that inflicted by society (sexual discrimination). Islam gives her a unique position and responsibility which is in strict accordance with her nature and the needs of society at large. (And the same thing of course applies to men.)
They know what Islam is not. And yet, more importantly, they know what it is. It is more than a mere concoction of superstitious beliefs and archaic practices, but it is a dynamic, living religion which is relevant to life - not just our spiritual lives, but also our so-called secular lives. Just as to separate the human body into its constituents destroys the body, likewise to separate the human life into neat compartments, like secular and spiritual, destroys life. And the natural balance which can be found in the body between those same constituents, can also be found in Islam between its different aspects. This is the true image of Islam we shall seek to expound upon further.
10 - Music
T#ic Reaver
Waves
24 th January 1994
The NME's On Into '94
Dennis Lim
The music press, bent as always on putting tags to genres which don't really exist, has outdone itself this time. The stupidly-named New Wave Of New Wave, with seemingly no unifying criterion and including just about every new British act on the scene today, has to be the most pointless attempt yet at shoving bands into pigeonholes. Virtually all the bands in this year's NME On Into '94 gigs (with the notable exception of Trans-Global Underground) seem to have been casually and clumsily tossed into the all-encompassing New Wave Of New Wave.
A couple of fine EPs had convinced me that Compulsion were not to be missed - add to that the mounting Elastica hype - and I opt for Saturday night, also featuring Echobelly and S*M*A*S*H, over Sunday's offering of Trans-Global Underground and three relative unknowns. So I'm more than a little annoyed when I find out that a freak accident involving Compulsion's guitarist has forced them to pull out.
S*M*A*S*H are first on and they turn out to be by far the best band of the night. Their attitude is very much early Manic Street Preachers, but the similarities don't go very far. For starters,' the Manics' lyric-writing 'ability' has always been limited to stringing together the most hackneyed of slogans, S*M*A*S*H's lyrics on the
other hand are impenetrable, rambling and often exhilirating - about killing people and feeling effervescent. And the Manics, even before they sold out and started sucking corporate dick, never sounded this exciting.
Tonight's set includes the appallingly-titled but brilliant current single "Lady Loye Your Cunt", "Real Surreal" and "Kill Somebody" - a hate list of Tories they'd like to terminate. Even though they end up looking a little ridiculous (cartoonish almost) with all the spitting and kicking and scowling (my friend quite unfairly called them the ugliest band she's seen), the seething venom in the songs seems genuine and is quite infectious.
It's quite unfortunate to have to follow S*M*A*S*H and apparently, this is the second time in a month that Echobelly have had this almost insurmountable task to contend with. They fail dismally.
Everything about Echobelly is insufferably polite. Three anonymous-looking blokes behind a tiny woman with an admirable vocal range, but who seems far too pleasant and nice. Their highly-overrated EP "Bellyache" featured blatant rip-offs of "How Soon Is Now?" and "The Drowners". To put it bluntly, most of the songs sound like someone else's and all of them sound the same. It isn't too long before singer Sonya's vocal acrobatics start to grate. To their credit, "Call Me Names", about adolescent


Elastica - without a shadow of doubt 1994's most hotly-tipped "i-ubber" band.
slurs and taunts, is rather good and a much-needed break from everything else - not that everything else is by any means crap, just pleasingin a vaguely inoffensive and insubstantial sort of way. After S*M*A*S*H have made you want to go out andkill people, Echobelly seem terribly inconsequential.
Most people have turned out to see Elastica. One limited-edition single into their career and they seem to already have a fan base as sadly fanatical as Suede's or Morrissey's. Limiting your much-hyped debut single to 1500 copies was somewhat arrogant, to say the least - some calculated attempt at appearing inaccessible and cool, which appears to have worked.
"Stutter" was about impotence, but if Elastica's music is to be likened to any sexual inadequacy, it's premature ejaculation. Hardly any of their songs last beyond three minutes, they're all brash, brusque, bruising pop - loud and raw with bold basslines, confident guitars and thunderous drums - and they all grind to a halt almost before they've begun. They sound good most of the time, but I see neither the importance nor the potential for greatnes§ indicated by the media overkill.
Highlights "Line Up" (upcoming single), "Stutter", "S.O.F.T" (their contribution to the recent "Volume 8" com-
pilation) surface in quick succession. They end with their very own tribute to petroleum jelly, the dopey "Vaseline", available on their soon-come double A-side. About half of their set is actually rather bland, a fact lost on much of tonight's crowd. At the end of it, I'm reasonably satisfied^ but far from convinced.
Let's sum it up : Elastica are destined to be massive and on current evidence, they don't quite deserve it; Echobelly are destined to be ignored and if they go on like this, they completely deserve it; S*M*A*S*H evidently couldn't give a fuck - they deserve your undying adulation.
And The Beat Goes On...
FCl PRESENTS
A LIVE EVENT

25 JANUARY '94
NEW LONDON ASTORIA
FRSMGHTOIfT
Do you want a free night out tomorrow?
As you can see from the advert to the right, ITVs "The Beat" (you know, that prog that's on in the wee small hours, presented by Gary Crowley and with the pissed cameraman) have yet another of their gigs at the London Astoria. Each band plays a half-hour set, and you might even get on telly as well!
The latest bill features Liverpool's Boo Radleys, whose "Giant Steps" LP has received widespread acclaim in the music '|)ress, Cork oddballs Sultans Of Ping FC of "l^ere's Me Jumper?" fame, perpetual glam-popl)ridesmaids Pulp and grungey sorts Eugenius.
Doors are at 7.00 pm, with the first band on stage at 7.45 pm. Unfortunately, the running order was unconfirmed at time of going to press.
The Music Editor has some tickets to give away, so, if you want one,^see him today (Three Tuns' pool table being a good bet), and tell him the answer to the following question:
What was the original name of Eugenius'?
Alternatively, recite the following ..er.. "secret password":
"What are you having, Rob? ¦ it's on me."
24 th January 1994
T/ic Reaver
What's On -11


riiB WMkly Guide Fop LSE Studants Govoplng All L8E & london Specials Balde 8 - Far Lent Tepm 1998 - Jeaaary 24th - Janaapy Both
		
__ii... .		™ X " ^ ^ i '
This week kicks off with the great news that the next seven days are to be dominated by Greenpeace. However, in true LSE style details are really scarce at time of print, so it's a case of watching them posters again. There may or may not be a video presentation in the New Theatre this evening from 7pm. Don'tquote me though.
Whatever, Simon Hughes MP will definitely be here for a lunchtime discussion on the environment. 1pm. Venue tbc. Everyone welcome.
All being well and it's not called off due to the weather, footie in the Underground starting at 7.45pm.
"This House believes that the homosexual age of consent should be lowered to 16." Proposed by Dr. David Starkey (LSE Professor, Chairman of TORCHE) and opposed by Mrs. Lynette Burrows (Writer for the Daily Telegraph) This highly topical debate will be held in C120 at 1pm.
1pm. S75. The Socialist Workers Student Society are holding an open meeting on "Why the Tories are Attacking Single Parents?" and "Family Values". All welcome.
The Rag Film society are presenting an evening of A1 Pacino films, or at least two of them anyhow, "Scent of a Woman" and "Scarface". New Theatre 7pm. £2 entry.
Although subject to confirmation, Greenpeace are continuing Eco-Week with a party in the Underground.
Tony Blair MP will be in the New Theatre from 1pm. Again, all welcome and entry is free.
The Chaplaincy society introduce Rev Donald Reeves (Rector, St. James, Piccadilly.) "Is There a Spirituality for the New Age?" 5.30pm in A155. The talk will be followed by refreshments and time for discussion and reflection.
The Friends of Palestine present Mr Afif Safieh, Head of the PLO Delegation to the UK. "Returning Home After a Quarter of a Century". IpmintheNew Theatre. Student and staff ID required.
m
m

The Kino Klub!! This weeks big event!! Perhaps there is no such thing as a completely new form of entertainment but the Kino Klub runs something that is as near as damn it. The evening is hosted by filmmaker and projectionist David Leister, who collaborates with a wide variety of improvising musicians. Calling it a mixed media show gives some idea of the nature of Leister's art. An expansive selection of film image is mixed, intertwined and projected onto the screen creating a visual depth with startling results. Film and music compete for attention as musicians and filmmaker challenge the audiences imagination and sense of irony. The evening is peppered with visual quips, verbal puns and the occasional quiz. Prepare to be amused. 8.30pm in the Old Theatre, £2 entry.
Habit. This preclub night continues in the Underground. Free Entry for the loose tunes.
A special evening for the more sophisticated Mature and Postgrad students. (Who does that mean??) There will be jazz music from the Simon Gilbey Quartet and a full buffet meal included in the £4 price of tickets. From 7pm to midnight in the Quad and Cafe.
The Time Tunnel!! Where would we be without it?? Tonight featuring another midnight extension, the entry is free and the music... same as usual. 7pm and onwards.
Well we don't appear to have anything for you on Saturday, so think yopurselves lucky. Go on have aquiet night in, invite a few friends around and do what you do in the privacy of your own homes. Or get up off your arses and get out to the city. "This is London", afterall,just as the World Service proudly states.
////////
iSni
Going Dutch - This weeic Julie Emery describes the delights of Amsterdam.
Here we go again: me racking my brains to think of a vaguely amusing subject to inflict upon an unsuspecting load of students. I thought it was about time I wrote something about Amsterdam seeing as I live here for two weeks every month. When Time Out decided to start a magazine in Amsterdam, I never thought for one moment that I'd end up in charge of it. My command of Dutch is limited to 'tot ziens' (see you later) and 'rot op' (everyone's favourite swearing expression), When I tell people that as part of my job I have to spend half of every month in Amsterdam, I usually get a standard reply which is a combination of one, some or all of the following: 'Great! /All those bikes/Tulips/ clogs/cheeses/canals/trams/coffee shops.' Coffeeshops, of course, are the places where you o and get stoned out of your head, completely legally. Unfortunately I don't smoke the stuff. Neither do I like Edam, clogs or bikes (I attemped to go native by hurtling around the city on a bike that someone bought from a junkie for 10 guilders, and within a day had knocked a Dutch pedestrian over, who apologised profusely to me even though it was my fault, so that was my cycling days over). However the trams beat the 53 bus down the Old Kent Road on any day of the week, the canals are certainly scenic and I've always had a fondness for white tulips. But for me, the best things about Amsterdam are its user-friendly size, and the mix of restaurants, bars and venues and the truly international bunch of people who frequent them. No-where's very far here. You can walk almost everywhere and the main places you want to visit are all quite close together. You can have a Surinamese meal for lunch and an Indonesian for dinner (both very cheaply). When the sun shines you can sit outside for hours nursing a beer and watching the world go-by. You can go to almost any club or bar in your scruffiest jeans and not be refused entry or feel out of place. And you can hang out in squat bars, designer bars, brown cafes or in bars with weird and wonderful decor where you'll hear practically every language being spoken (except maybe Dutch). The downside of a city where absolutely everyone speaks English (in fact some of the Dutch residents speak better English than the English) is the proliferation of dodgy English people (here of course I don't mean people like us, darling). And you can be sure that the packs of blokes wandering around the Red Light District leering loudly are English. Mind you, England's full of dodgy English people and we all live there. The first three people to send a postcard to me at Time Out, Universal House, Tottenham Court Road, W1 will receive free copies of the current issue of Time Out Amsterdam and the Time Out Amsterdam Guide.
freetoenter
12 - Arts
'Che l^eciver
24th January 1994
It's My Life
Dennis Lim
The complimentary packet of tissues with a "My Life" sticker on it was a bad sign. Bruce Joel Rubin, writer-director of "Ghost", is back with his favourite theme - death. And if the excessively mushy "Ghost" got you all teary-eyed, "My Life" will have the lachrymal ducts overflowing in no time - for this is by far the most grossly manipulative tear-jerker I've seen in a long while.
Michael. Keaton plays Bob Jones, diagnosed as dyingfrom cancer. He decides to make a video of his life (hence the title) for his unborn child and, according to that glossy thing you get handed at screenings, fsickbag alert) is "thrust into a journey of self-discovery as he explores the density of the human heart and the expansive-ness of the human soul".
Thi s is a "dealing with death" movie, but - hang on, not just any dealing with death movie -it's a Hollywood dealing with death movie and we want our audience laughing in between the tears, so what do we do? We make our djdng hero a funny, witty guy - kills two birds with one stone - audience loves him, cries even more when he snuffs it.
Cynical? I suppose, but it's difficult not to feel that way when every aspect of "My Life" is so clearly contrived - from the Chinese healer who helps Bob to get rid ofhis anger (oh please) to Bob's unflilfilled dreams and strained family relationships, all of which he obviously manages to sort out before dying.
Throughout, Rubin relent-
lessly piles on the heartache and grief - Bob's wife, Gail, is pregnant - he may not live to see their first child; he's never been on terribly good terms with his parents and brother - he may not live to patch things up; he's never been on a rollercoaster -he may never get to ride on one.
Every sub-plot, every scene is carefully engineered to evoke sympathetic audience reaction - and disgustingly, it actually works sometimes. I was choking back tears at one point myself; the tender-hearted (and less cynical) will be reduced to weeping wrecks by the end of this (oh, you're so hard Dennis. Ed.)..Ul-timately, it smacks of insincerity, which - as far as I'm concerned - is a fatal flaw for a film which purports to be sensitive and life-affirming.
Michael Keaton is his usual amusing self for most of this - in fact, he looks surprisingly good for a man suffering from an advanced stage of cancer. Nicole Kidman shows worryingly little emotion for a woman whose husband is teiminally ill.
Tear-jerkers don't necessarily have to be disasters - "Terms Of Endearment" certainly wasn't, thanks mainly to its colourful, interesting characters. "My Life", by contrast, has a cast of one-dimensional cardboard cut-outs.
I would only recommend this if your idea of fun involves sniffing and sobbing and blowing your nose very loudly at the end of mo\'ies. If, on the other hand, you dislike being manipulated - least of all by Hollywood schmaltz masquerading as 'celebration-of-life' drama -avoid at all costs.
Nathan's Napds...
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PDUOC, i rwwi

Statues and Things at an Exhibition
siFlFW©


Ron Voce
The George Ortiz collection is considered to be the finest collection of antiquities in private hands today. Assembled over a period of forty-five years, the collection contains over a thousand works and virtually spans the history of art of the ancient world. All the great civilisations of Mesopotamia, Ancient Egypt,
the Near and Middle East, ^
Central Asia and the '
Eastern Mediterranean are represented, besides ^
a small number of superlative "pre-contact"
pieces from Africa, the Americas and the Pacific Islands. The Heart of the collection is,
however the art of the ancient Greek world,
from its neolithic beginnings through to the late Hellenistic and Byzantine periods, focussing on an outstanding group of works of archaic and classical Greek art.
Some 300 masterpieces from this collection are being shown in the Main Galleries, including an exceptional alabaster carving of a bull-man from Umma, part of the Sumerian civilisation.
From Egypt there is a copper alloy bust of Pharaoh Amenemhat III. From ^
Greece a splendid bronze figure of Alexander the Great. From India, there is a life size head of prince Siddharta, from the 2nd century AD, before he left his worldly goods to search for the truth and become Buddha.
The exhibition drew huge crowds when it was shown earlier this year in St Petersburg (where it was the first -loan exhibition to be shown in The Hermitage) and in Moscow at the Pushkin Museum; it has never been shown in Western Europe or North America.
So if you do decide to visit the exhibition be prepared for the inevitable crowds.

liMI




ftJiAi M0K T imirrri 9

®lii
24 th January 1994
T/ic Reaver
Arts -13
Geoff Robertson
Jri.1
eaven & Earth", the ¦ third part of Oliver Stone's Vietnam trilogy, opens across the country on 21st January. With "Platoon" and "Born On The Fourth of July" as the previous two installments, it has quite a pedigree to live up to. The film centres on the life of Le Ly Hayslip ( played by Hiep Thi Le), and her traumas during and due to the Vietnam War. Her experiences are touching, occasionally uplifting, and certainly all the more harrowing as this is a true story.
We meet Le Ly first as a young girl in her peaceful farming village, before the wars that are to plague her life begin. In a voice-over, we are given a brief history of the country and its people, as well as an indication of the perspective that the film will take on the war. This proves to be the crux of the film: the idea being that we see the war from the standpoint of a woman, the Vietnamese people, and, to a certain extent. Buddhism.
This beginning, backed by panoramic views of Vietnamese farm land, is very slow, and doesn't really work that well, especially when compared to the fast-paced manner in which the rest of the


3^
Definitely not a game of "Blind Man's Bluff" as Le Ly ( Hiep Thi Le) is led away to torture at the hands of her government.
film is handled. Although the scenery is stunning, it does almost seem as though they shot so much that they couldn't bear to cut too much of it. Having said that, Robert Richardson's photography is very good. In one particularly effective scene, Le Ly is crouched in a rice paddy, and stands up to see a helicopter hovering just above
her, the wind generated whipping up a watery storm around her and throwing her hat all over the place.
The film is very long, an "epic" certainly by intention, putting a lot of pressure on newcomer Hiep Thi Le's performance, which is generally quite good, even if it is surpassed by that of the ever de-
pendable Tommy Lee Jones. He plays the American soldier who takes Le Ly away to America.
Le Ly first begins on her tormented path when she helps the local guerrillas against government forces. She is picked up and tortured, only being released when her parents give her captors the
dowry meant for her wedding. However, the local guerrillas are suspicious, and she is accused of being a traitor, taken to be executed, raped instead and as a result driven from her village forever. From then, her efforts to survive the war centre on black market dealing and one incident of prostitution, all after she has had an illegitimate child by a previous employer.
The film does work well in some parts. When Le Ly is driven away from her home, the story is very effective, although it does lose its Buddhist perspective for a very long time. The concept of Buddhism holding the Vietnamese together is introduced at the beginning, then disappears until America is reached. Using the female perspective on the film is another thing that goes missing half way through, and from the point where Le Ly meets Steve (Lee Jones), the story could almost be handled from Steve's perspective.
Despite these criticisms, the film is good entertainment, moving and often touching. It also does highlight the Vietnamese suffering better than Stone's two previous Vietnam films (both of which have been on TV recently). Not bad, but not a classic in the sense that Platoon was.
Pacino Hpbs Back With De Palma
Daniel Silverstone
"N:
othing excels like excess".
Michelle Pfeiffer concludes about her relationship with A1 Pacino in Brian's de Palma's last gang.ster epic "Scarface". Thirteen years later with his 145-minute "Carlito's Way", De Palma is still trjdng to prove this aphorism true. During this interim period little has changed and once again we return to the world of mass murder, epidemic cocaine use, ineffectual police and three-syllable names.
Now for the caring Nineties we have a more mellow Pacino desperate to escape the underworld instead of conquering it. Carlito is genuinly sated with hustling but his instincts which made him a sucess won't let him flee. His problems are compounded by his sometime ally, sometime nemesis, lawyer friend, played by Sean Penn. The 2hours allow the mesemiric Pacino to create a character with depth and charisma. Though the descent into a fateful quagmire is predictable, De Palma directs with enough skill and subtlty to maintain interest.
POLICE
The ending is truly awesome, raising the levels of tension dramatically and providing a powerful climax.
Penn's capricious, irascible lawyer provides a colourful contrast to Pacino's cool but this is scant relief in a film stacked full of sterotypes. If the character's are not being felled by bullets they are victims of banal cliches. The prime target for this is the love interest P. A. Miller who suffers so much that one wonders if she is a caricature. The empty threats to "not fuck with my women" are now getting quite boring.
Though all of this was present in Scarface, due to it's vitriol and intensity, it was't so noticible. It had political content,and though Pacino was less affable he was much more potent. Scarface's brutal alternative to the American Dream remains haunting while Carlito's slickness quickly blurs into the morass of mainstream Hollywood thrillers. De Palma can entertain, but one's left feeling that he has to return to the 1970s because he still has nothing intelligent to say about the 90s.

1
Kurt Russel as Wyatt Earp in the new film "Tombstone" based on the lives of the Hollidiay brothers, the legendary western town of Tombstone and the legend that is the Gunfight at the OK Corral. The film also stars Val Kilmer and Jason Priestley. This is the version to see this year. Shoot -em ups in period clothes - eat your heart out Merchant Ivory.
14 - Classifieds
Tfte Reaver
24th January 1994
CONFIRMATION OF EXAMINATION ENTRY FOR SESSION 1993/94
for
UNDERGRADUATE, GENERAL COURSE, DIPLOMA, EXCHANGE AND ERASMUS STUDENTS
and
SELECTION OF PAPERS FOR SESSION 1994/95
for
ALL FIRST AND SECOND YEAR UNDERGRADUATES
You should go to the Timetables Office, Room H310, Connaught House, as soon as possible on or after Monday, 31st January to collect your individual form for the CONFIRMATION OF EXAMINATION ENTRY AND SELECTION PAPERS FOR THE NEXT SESSION.
The form must be COMPLETED, signed by your tutor and handed into the Timetables Office NO LATER than Thursday, 17th February.
SITUATIONS VACANT
The LSE Foundation is looking for students to help with database inputting for the Second century Campaign.
Training will be provided by the Database Team.
The rate of pay is £5 per hour.
Preference will be given to those prepared to work during the
evening or at weekends.
If you are reliable, accurate, possess good keyboard skills and have attention to detail please telephone Julian on 071 955 7853
(LSE internal 7853)
HARDSHIP FUND
ARE YOU IN NEED OF FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE?
ARE YOU SELF FINANCING OR FACING FINANCIAL HARDSHIP BECAUSE OF MAJOR UNEXPECTED CIRCUMSTANCES? IF YES,
THE LSESU HARDSHIP FUND MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU WITH AN AWARD. ALL APPLICATIONS ARE TREATED CONFIDENTIALLY.
FORMS ARE AVAILABLE FROM THE WELFARE AND HOUSING OFFICE , ROOM E297 EAST BUILDING.
FORMS MUST BE RETURNED BY 4PM FRIDAY 28TH JANUARY 1994
GBimUL ACGOMODAIION OHIGE
The opening hours of the Central Accomodation Office have been extended. The new opening times will be effective from 17-1-94 and are as follows:-
Monday	10:30 - 16:30
Tuesday	10:30 - 16:30
Wednesday	10:30 - 13:30
Thursday	14:00 - 16:30
Friday	14:00 - 16:30
THE NEW BEAVER CLASSIFIEDS The Beaver Classified is specifically for students. Buying or selling? Do it through the Beaver for only lOp per word! All adverts must reach the Classified noticeboard (outside the Three Tuns) or the Beaver Office -E197- by lunch time on Wednesdays. Payments may be made by cheque or postal order and dropped int o the Beaver post boxes or direct into the Beaver Office Please make cheques payable to The Beaver. Any advertisement not accompanied with payment will not be published. Please remember to include a contact phone number in your advert. No personal ads. Advertisements must be posted by 6pm of the Wednesday preceeding publication.			
			
			
			
			
			
Sttuathms Vacant
LSE Students' Union wish to appoint a temporary Administration Assistant ( part time ) to work a
total of 13 hrs per week on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday ( hours by arrangement) Applicants must have English GCSE or equivalent, previous secretarial experience and 40 wpm typing. Salary £5373 p.a. inclusive, holidays 14 days p.a.
This post is available imtil 31st July 1994 For details and application form contact: Administration Department, Houghton Street, London WC2A 2AE (071 955 7158). Closing Date 3rd February. Interviews will be on 16th February LSESU is endeavouring to be an equal opportunities employer
Compiitep Wanted
Used laptop or notebook (at least) 286, 30MB HDD, 3.5" floppy, wanted. Not more than £250. Call Erik on 071 378 8233
24 th January 1994
The l^eavet
Sport - 15
Down Amongst The Dead Men
nn decline of Uvoppoel Riodial Club
Frank & Walters
The people of Liverpool must really be wondering what the fuck has gone wrong with their team. They dominated the Eighties and looked set on repeating that success well into the Nineties but the departure of Dalglish pulled the rug from under their feet. Now they're down there with the also-rans as Manchester United look set to clinch their second title in as many years.
Ifanyone's to blame, Ronnie Moran is. After taking over in a care-taker role, his inexperience allowed the 1990/91 League title slip from their grasp and Jimmy Carter to fall away by the wayside. But it doesn't stop there. Everyone talks of Manchester United's millions and their knack of buying the best players to achieve results. Liverpool too once had money but instead of spending it wisely, they bought anjrthing that moved. Their early exit from European Competition in successive seasons was attributed to the lack of English players in the squad. This caused a considerable panic around the stands of Anfield and if European success was to be achieved, they must buy English and buy young. In this hysteria they allowed some of their most influential players, including Ray Houghton and Peter Beardsley, to be sold off at knock down prices before finding suitable replacements. When they did enter the transfer market, they acquired players that either seemed ill-
Peter Beardsley - A wasted talent for both England and Liverpool
suited to their playing style, i.e. Dean Saunders and Paul Stewart, or were suffering from long-standing injuries, come on down Mark Wright, for extraordinary amouiits of money. The results were disappointing to say the least. Liverpool's performances dropped off and if it wasn't for their luck holding out in 1992, Cup success would be hard to find. But things are changing.
Liverpool look likely to become a footballing force once again in the not too distance future. One of the most decisive elements in their return
is the erratic but talented Bruce Grobbelaar. Dropped in favour of the less talented Mike Hooper and the inexperienced (and over-rated) James, Liverpool's results only seemed to pick up when 'Jungle Man Bruce' played between the sticks.
If they do fail to make an impact next season, well, I was wrong. It'll be a shame if they don't because the club really doesn't deserve to die in such a pathetic manner. You can't live on past glories and the sooner they realise that, the sooner they'll be able to pick up the pieces and rebuild the club.
Famous Last Words In History
By
N. P. Flywheel
.-hi






srains GAUffiE H'84
Patten:
Lufit'For '
Omelettes
Acid Head Amie
SE*s bi-annual egg-burling competitioii saw the fiiRst event of the year taking? place in a new, specially hired venue, the; Koyalty Theatre. Ohee again three teams competed to splatter their target, tJohn Patten, with as much yolk, albumenand sheU as possible. Thwarted at the preliminary stage of the competition by Patten's nimble evasive tactics (known to aj^ciona-dos of the sport as the back-door strategy.)
The referees at the eyeinufc-wejRe^ace.again^h^ Metropolitan Constabulary and having overruiea protestations fe«>m SWSS and the RCP, (the La» hour Club failed to make a show even at this first stage.,,probably) at this somewhat cowardly,-Boaentertaining but still unfortunately legal manoeuvre, allowed the competitoirs to move on to the second and muE^or stage of the competition, inside the theatre itself.
Once inside attempts at scoring bonus points for making Pjsttten's speech unintelligible to the majority of tbe spectators proceeded forthwith. The attack was led by Ashon and Russell, the star strikers in this department for the RCP and SWSS. The Labour Club again scored nul point...probably, who cares.
What followed was a game of stunning propor-"tions. ^
Early on, more bonus points were picked up by. RCP as Russell once again showed the flair and' panache that have earhM hini an enviable reputation in this sport. Showing superb imagination he used methods that were unorthodox but undeniably brilliant; whilst "voicing" his opinions on nursery education, he was seen carrying an infant on his shoulders: a wonderful juxtaposition of image and rhetoric,
At the climax of the game, Patten retorted with several long words and in a failed attempt to score tried his hand at jokes about his suit. Clever? I think nofcless of a goal, more of an own goal. Added defehce was pro\Hided by the LSE's Young Tories. Excellent egg-keeping i&H>m Erik Mielke was let down by A.dam Morris' ineffective pleas to the referees. Forgetting that one of the major qualifications for sports arbitration is hon-20/20 vision, he tried his best to reduce the attacking side's numbers by repeatedly pointing at certain members of the opposing team and shouting, "It was him what threw the egg ref. Send him off" or something along those lines.
But to no avail. The referee was, as we like to say in sporting correspondence "not having any of it".
By the end of the match it was a toss-up between the RGP and SWSS as to who scored the only indirect ovular hit on Patten - sui-prise, surprise the Labour Club, as far as could be noted, did or said absolutely nothing..,probably.
At the end of the day however the fact remains that the game was thoroughly entertaining, though criticisms of the sport as being "utterly pointless" remain entirely valid.
'Qantas never crash"
Photo: Thanks, Sean (age 10)
Ashish Shah's Nine Favourite Chess Moves
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16 - Sport
^he^eavef
24th January 1994
Harry
When I was on holiday in Hestoii Serv ices this year I had a liie*ch^ging experience; I was a Mt the worse for wear after a craany night out at Jiilie's Pantry and was on my way back to my room (a silver G-reg Escort) when a 9-foot robot with one arm ap-^ proached me furtively. I was naturally fairly surprised. As you can imagine, the sight of a clone droid from a parallel universe in an M4 carpark. This was the beginning of a rather peculiar liason with a sen-si^'vfe«arin^nr'' liyal warrior ftrom the year 0003.
tte asked me if I could help him. He had fallen through a quasi-manipulative vortex on his way back from Droid's bar after a heavy night on the Valvoline at R2-D2's stag night. The result was that he had ended up crouching in a bunker on ^tlinks golf course pretending to be a rake. I asked him if he was from the future. He replied *Puck oft, who do you think I am, Spock's lovechild?Mt turns out that there is a parallel universe that runs in tandem with our own. Thex^ is a reverse polarity and thus indicating that Murphy's Law is yet to be disproved. The only thing I could thinlt. of doing was to dehydrate his molecular structure usinig a little bit of technology I' picked up from my mate and' his Thomas Salter. I won't go into the details with youbecause anin depth study of cryogenics may make your brain partially spasm, thusinducing an adverse reaction to xaetallic jgreen Volkswagens (as our initial research into liquid hydrogen replacing brain fluid seeinedi to point : to).
After a good couple of days working on hin» in the Camherwell Research Labs with the assistance of ? fellow ftiture technicians Bear and Fish we managed to shMttk Tec-Pighter 9003 into a mere 6-inch figiure. As is the advantage of molecular shrinkage, all we ever needed to do was add water and thus re-hydrate Tec in order to bring him back to hiis former gloiy, namely a veteran from the Battle of Hinglenoowar in 8003 (where incidentiEilly he lost his arm). There are sonie obviOus drawbacks to this future advance, namely a recent incident involving me, Fish, Tec and Match of ThePay. We were watching said programme , with avid interest wheh the trouble struck. Les Ferdinand weayed his magic and rifled in a Scud of a shot to our obvious delight. Fish and I jumped up oft^ our sofas (one each because we're posh) thus throwing our mugs of squash in the air and dousing Tec in' ^ C-Vit. Before we could say Jack Robinson Tec began to re-hydrate. The convulsions knocked Fish's Spitfire sketchings off the lounge wall as we wrestled to mop up the oftending squash. I pumped Tec ftill of exceptionally powerful drugs to reverse the process while Fish used the Kleenex quilted to stem the flow. Luckily we arrested the tragedy at the Catalytic G-bond stage, but it did give us quite a fright.
We took Tec to Tutu's the other night, now that was an experience! After downing his favourite brew of Nuclear Waste with a Castrol chaser, he was off on the pull. All credit, the lad did marvellous. I didn't rate his chances because he's 6-inches tall, got one arm, looks like he's made of plastic and only speaks machine code understood by ERNIE the Premium Bonds machine. Still, being able to speak has never been an obvious obstacle to tapping at Kings. He did better than us, he got a slow dance, had a doner (with extra chilli because it doesn't react to semi-fliud argon protons) and ended up getting nicked for D and D and didn't get home until it was light. I asked him to explain himself, but all he could mutter wa§"LIUYT*&T$(&{P with knobs on mate!"
Kinnear Kindles Firsts' Fires
LIE 1st XI B UCL 1st XI S
Angus Kinnear
This season the cream of LSE soccer talent have emerged as one of the most revered teams in the Premier League ofLondon's college teams. A rare blend of grit, determination, skill, flare, and Angus Kinnear wiU surely bring rich rewards.
The top of the table clash against the much feted UCL eleven saw LSE produce an exhibition of quality, flowing football. After overcomingthe initial blow of losing their charismatic goalkeeper on a free transfer to
Southampton Uni, they played the agile yet slightly obese Raymond between the sticks.
LSE began promisingly only to succumb to UCL's early pressure. However, comebacks are something of a specialty amongst the Firsts. The youthful exuberance of Ricos Shaves combined with the guile of the talented Trees and the pace of Ame set up four goals in the second period.
Ame scored one either side of half time to confirm his arrival as a quality First team player. Charalambous, deadly on the goal line, headed home
with inches to spare and Kinnear continued his fine goal scoring season by takinghis tally to 18 in front of a frenzied crowd.
Howard and Thode consistently frustrated and denied the UCL front line any attempts at goal and when Raymond was called into action his unorthodox goalkeeping style proved effective.
The pride of Houghton Street came away with a comfortable 5-3 victory and the knowledge that the dream of a League and Cup double is slowly turning into a reality.
Gits Witli Sticics Resemble Picts
LSE Hockey walk ovep Strand Poly
Matt & Yelli
LSE went further to wards confirming this statement yesterday when they beat Strand Poly (Kings) 2-0 avenging their 1-0 defeat in the UAU. It leaves the team unbeaten in the league this season with only Royal Holloway in the way of the premier league title.
The team functions superbly and has all the ingredients of a well balanced team: a reliable goalkeeper in Kristof, a steady back 4 of Richard, Toby, Khalid and Yelli (the captain) who be-
tween them have conceded less than a goal a game; an innovative midfield trio of superman (always good to have him in your side), Zahed (the dentist) and Louis (in because of his car); finally the team's sharp-shooters Gary, Simon and Leo who have carried the bulk of the scoring between them. The team has a very promising future especially since it has only three 3rd years.
The first ten minutes of the match was dominated by LSE with some of the finest hockey seen this season. The result of this sustained pres-
sure was a finely worked goal which started on the right and eventually allowed Simon to flick the ball into the back of the net. After this LSE relaxed and Zahed decided to maim some of his fellow ULU team-mates. Unfortunately the only other goal came just before the end of the first half and was scored by Leo. The second half was littered with several goal line clearances by Kings but all to no avail. A good result all the same.
Next week the team face St. Barts in the London cup which will undoubtedly mean a place in the quarter finals.
To be Frank, why not join the British Army...."
Frailk

3^