18th May, 1992 Collective's Choice: Newspaper of the Year, 1982 Issue 360 and a half Government Health Warning: : Beaver Exclusive! European Football Pullout Section Pages 14-15 Turn to page 3 and eye up our Beaver Beauties s For This Week's TV Listings, see Back Cover ASHWORTH'! AFFAIR WITH TOP JOURNALIST The Beaver can exclusively reveal that Dr John Ashworth is having an affair with a woman who is to be the next editor of The Times Higher Education Supplement. Auriol Stevens is a woman who has been closely linked to the LSE Director for many years. Their liaison was certainly known about during the time that he was the Chancellor of Sal-ford University back In the 1980's. Steven's presence is nornnally kept quiet in the interests of LSE protocol but it is understood tinat the couple are very close. In fact, sources close to The Beaver can reveal exclusively that Ms Stevens was present in the Senior Common Room last Tuesday when Terry Waite came to address a select group of former and present LSE students and staff and to receive his Honorary Presidentship. Doubt has been cast upon whether or not the Times Higher Education Supplement (THES) will remain unbiased in its coverage of LSE's activities when Ms Stevens takes over the role of Editor. The THES has long been held as the bastion of higher education coverage for the rest of the media to use as an example. However, rumours are at present circulating to the effect that Dr Ashworth will use his latest appointment to the hierarchies of the media establishment to ensure that his activities within the LSE receive constant and favourable coverage. Thumbs Up Despite all of this. The Beaver can confirm that Ms Stevens certainly has the thumbs'up from us. One postgraduate student in the college, having spoken to the lovely lady herself gave us his reaction to Dr Ashworth's leggy lovely. "Auriol Stevens is, in my opinion, a superb woman. She is forthright but at the same time she knows how to maintain LSE Director John Ashworth yesterday. hersexuality. She knows her opinions and is not afraid to speak her mind. I admire women like her. To me they are infinitely attractive. 'The only doubts I have are to whether or not the LSE will appear constantly on the front page of the THES. It certainly seems as if this is the case at the moment howevertrivial the news. 'Ashworth Is a hoy' "Let us hope that we can successfully manage to move into County Hall and then she can really have some news to print on us. John Ashworth is a boy. There is no doubt about that. He's sure managed to pick a corker this time!" The Beaver would like to add to the comments of that particular postgraduate student by wishing Ms sexy Stevens all the best in her new job. May she continue to charm Dr Ashworth and to keep the publicity rolling. AU: Cultural Heritage Centre !n a unique move announced by Metlor last week, the LSE Athletes Union Is to receive a cultural heritage grant The move was announi^d un(ier pi^ssure from the Naj^onalTriist, an organisation committed to maintaining the Ideologies of British culture within our society. The grant is to be aimed particularly at the AU Barrel, an annual event full of frivolity and fun which the National Trust says reflects ^he level of sophistication and humour prevaflant within British society," What's more, the cultural heritage grant will place the AU Barrel on the ''cultural tour of England" map> The plan Is that tourists will be able to visit the historic centre at a cost of £5 for children and tZ for adults. They will dien be invited to take part In the festivities of drinking a pint of beer down In one whilst standing in the table in the AU office to their favourite song. Mr Melior Is confident that this excursion in the present cultural tour of England will be a pleasant detour for all the partakin$ tourists. Mr Melior is also convinced that, for the special value price of £1.S0 tourists will be delighted io the opportunity to take part in a naked congo through th$ middle of the Old Theatre whilst the lectures are underway. Mr Mellor Is aware that this codgo diversion through the middle of lectures may not be popular with all the tourists who take part on the tour as they are lafQely unwilling to experience the foy$ of studenlte woridoQ. However, he Is confident that these lAUlai worries will soon be overcome. in the meantime, Ihe AU has made a special offer of {t$ own to «ttcourage mare Jurists to take pari in Ihe first Barrel in December 1992. They are airing a frea pini of vomit as a speciality drinicto the first fifty sightseers through the door. So, good iuek and happy ramitlDgt 2 NEWS The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 Gen Sec to campaign in support of liomeless Zahirto live in Lincoln's Inn Fields to 'create feeling of solidarity' Next year will see a big campaign in support of the homeless, Fazile Zahir has promised. She has pointed out that her election campaign had "chartered unknown waters" in that context. No other student before had "demonstrated to what good uses homeless people can be put with so little effort and cost." Scliemes Different schemes are under consideration. In order to "increase student participation" as she promised in her campaign, Zahir plans to use the homeless at Lincoln's Inn Fields to advertise for the Union General Meeting on Thursdays. One other student at the LSE said that this was a "brilliant idea". He added that "if walking billboards work for Faz' election, they will sure help to alleviate student apathy and put some meaning into the life of those poor men who have no homes." While it seems certain that this scheme alone would not be strong enough to quell the problem of the homeless living around the LSE, other plans will probably ensure that all homeless around the LSE will be well off in the future. Promising There are several very promising plans. Zahir has already told most people at the LSE, including the administration and the porters, that she plans to launch balloons in support of the homeless in the Old and New Theatre. When asked on this point, which created some controversy during her election campaign, Zahir insisted that she had obtained permission from the school. Another plan is to hold public sessions of a game called "Cheats". "Cheats" is a game directed at cheating other players and not getting caught and suspended. The game will be played at several levels of difficulty. Zahir has promised to take part at the highest level of difficulty as a referee and has sent invitations both to George "Read-my-lips" Bush and to Saddam "Mother-of-AII-Battles" Hussein. Proceeds of the game are going to be used to buy a red car for the homeless. On the other hand, Zahir has strongly rejected suggestions, that she used her connections with the Turkish government to offer new settlement to the homeless in the Turkish-occupied part of Cyprus, in homes left by Greek Cypriot refugees. "What refugees ?" was her reaction to such rumours. Backward People As what to concerns the homeless she pointed out that her government had developed other methods of "dealing with unhappy, backward people". But she admitted, that it "might be impractical to transfer these methods from Kurdistan to Houghton Street." According to different sources Zahir plans to live the first few months of the next academic year on Lincoln's Inn Fields. Altruistic One source, which Insisted on confidentiality, said that Zahir is not prepared to admit her plans inpublic, "as she does not want to give the impression of being too altruistic, too caring". Nevertheless she is planning to call off several personal holidays and other obligations to stay with the homeless to "help create a strong feeling of solidarity." After hearing from the strong social commitment which Zahir now displays, members of the Executive have suppressed their anger about the failure of Zahir to show up for any of the more important meetings of the Student's Union's committees and have wished her success with her first campaign next year. Tuns to be wine bar Fagan announces plans for 'Jimmy's' Jim Fagan has recently announced plans to upgrade the Three Tuns Club into a wine bar. It has been known for a long time that the Tuns has sunk in the popularity polls of student haunts since the hugely successful Underground opened last term. Therefore, he has unveiled plans to turn the Tuns into the latest in wine bar chic with the technology to match. Gone will be the wooden finish bar sur- faces and the wooden tables. Everything will be kitted out in the latest ia fashionable formica and adorned with neon lights. As Jim Fagan so rightly said a few weeks ago, "It's a jungle out there. You've got to give the pu nters what th ey want." The change of style will not come cheap though. Apparently, it will cost Jim £200 to buy all of the equipmentfrom MFl and the labour charge is estimated to be in the re- jaktan Jim Fagan celebrates his plans forthe Tuns gion of £10,000. The be in bottles with fancy work is only expected to shapes and fancy take a week though and names. After all, Jim so the new "Jimmy's" said, 'The students can wine barshould be ready afford it. All this grants to open its doors after stuff is a load of bollocks, the exams. They drink enough here Another new innova- anyway. Why not charge tion that is being tried by them double for the the young and dynamic same amount. I thought Mr Fagan is that nothing it was called demand is going to be served in and supply economics, pints anymore. or something like that!" Everything is going to Tory grant According to membefs of the LSE Conservative Association the Government is going to double student grants. The main soaree of rnfortnaScMi Is a member of an unspecified ornlthologtcal organisation within the ISE Conseivatives, wtio wished not to be named. There Is sonte uncertainty as to what faas prompted the move. Rumourssuggesttbatsome hlgh-ranl(ing Tories we^ exposed to a photograph of $teve Prince and decided that EOtUng down government expenditure at the expense of students had finally done too much damage. In their view the government could not go on starving Qie brains of students at Britain's top universises. Reactions to the announcement were mainiy negative. Members of the Conservative Association have said that they regteUted that the higherstudent grants wouidenabie'*uneducated, poor littie students from the lowest classes to continue staying atuniversity, where they did not belong in the first place", in Qieir view it was to be hoped that "aiischooJs should be pnvatised so that the doubling of the grants wouid not have too much pernicious effect". Members of the DSG have said that Hiey ''did not really care", as student poverty had never been one the priorities of the OSG anyway. "Life is mainly a matter of the School and the Student Union working together", was the comment by one of the DSG's leaders. it is reported that the radical Left at the LSE has strongly protested against "these new machinations of a fascist-reactionary government," The doubling of the student grant Is seen by the Left as an attempt to "rob the students", as It "will be bard to find new fictitious problems to protest about." In the meantime Jon Bradburn, who should be sober this summer to become the next Entertainments and Societies Officer is planning to move the Three Tuns to the current Brunch Bowl premises, to cope with the expected increase in demand, lie also hopes to maice sure that medical staff are on duty until closing hour. Jon Spurling, Finance and Services Officer from August onwards, reacted jubilantly. He hopes to introduce Student Union top-up fees and to charge money for the Union General Meetings in autumn. Together with Jon Bradbum he plans to engage Razia Shariff as the chair to "increase entertainments value." Peter Harris, who will be responsible for Equal Opportunities and Welfare atthe Student's Union, was not available for comment as he was at home to have his new sweater fitted. ¦ Make-Your-Own-Coupon. ¦ J Cut along tiie dotted lines and ' I redeem at your local market for £25 I I off your next purcliase. | The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 NEWS 3 LSE's Luscious Lovelies The Beaver exposes its beauties tor ttie tirst time, and we hope you'll enjoy them as much as the rest of the LSE did • MARVELLOUS MINE, 19, a • MULTI-TALENTED MONICA, • FABULOUS FAZILE, 21, has a • APPETISING ANTONIA, 21, fabulous fresher of tantalising 21, the original American passionate pout and a penchant wants to be the apple of your Turkish stock, is just waiting for Beaver, has a month left in the for power. If you can supply her eye. If she fits the bill for you, your call. UK & wants to share it with you! needs, call now. call and let us know. • MOUTH-WATERING MADDY, • KISSABLE KATE, 21, is a • SEXY SARAH, 21, is sure to • FUN-LOVING FIONA, 23, is 20, can help you take your mind perfect English rider who is leave you feeling seduced and always on hand to calm your off those exam blues. For fun willing to lead you anywhere, sighing for more. To relieve your frazzled nerves. Her massage is and frolics call her now! Call her for miles of fun. tensions, seek her out. a must; to try it out, call now. We think all these girlies are corkers, but if you think any one of them is your dream woman, then phone in on 0898-405-7686, or freefone from the LSE on ext. 2870 and place your vote for our prize Beaver of the Year competition, if you're brave enough to leave your name and number, you could even win a prize -- a year's supply of The Beaver, voted Newspaper of the Year 1992 (by us, of course!) 4 NEWS The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 SU embezzlement uncovered Johnson finds means to fund gambling Playing the fruit machines can become a iong-term habit and cost thousands of pounds. An in-depth Beaver investigation has uncovered allegations that Students' Union Senior TreasurerToby Johnson has been attempting to embezzle Union funds to support his fruit machine habit. When asked how much he believes he has lost on his highly addictive habit, Johnson said he would approximate it at "at least £200 this year alone." However, anonymous Beaver sources claim that there has been another investigation recently into the ultra- vires embezzlement of up to £1500 of Union funds, which could possibly be linked to Johnson. More likely, though, Johnson is assumed to have financed his gambling losses by falsely reporting the estimated funds needed for the Union's budget next year. The costs listed in Johnson's annual Union Budget Submission were apparently recognised as overly steep, and the finance subcommittee which received the report is therefore seriously considering what action to take. Jon Spurling, next year's Finance and Services Officer, was pres-entwhen Johnson made his budget submission. He said afterwards that the difference between Johnson's estimate and the School's was fairly large, and that "it didn't look too good" for Johnson. MacDonald Moonlights Friendly Fiona, Social and Services Sec, redefines Sabbatical role Considerations about" increasing sabbatical's pay have come under heavy scrutiny when it became public knowledge that SU Social and Services Secretary Fiona MacDonald has managed to earn considerable amounts by providing personal services to other students. Michiel van Hulten commented that it seemed hardly necessary to increase the pay when such convenient methods of "earning the additional quid without paying tax" could be found by the sabbaticals. But van Hulten, whose sales techniques have had success but included only a 24-hour warranty, added that "sometime sabbaticals' emphasis of work had not been on their brain." The Beaver declined to ask further questions in that direction. MacDonald hoped that business, which has been rather slack lately, will pick up new momentum in the near future. She was not prepared to say more and refused to give details on her financial situation. Concerning personal financial matters, van Hulten said that MacDonald had "got around to earn a lot." He nevertheless has denied suggestions that in the future sabbatical's offices are going to be provided with beds by the Student's Union. 'Bishop is my Father' says Love-Chiid IVIichiel As scandal rocks Irish Catholic Church, SU leader is caught in the crossfire. As the time of Michiel van Hulteri at the LSE draws to a dose, more and more new information is being obtained by The Beaver concerning his backround. Recently it was discovered that Michiel covered part of his living costs with a large sums of money which he received from obscure sources. New evidence suggests that this money might have come from Irish sources and there are even some indications that a specific Irish bishop might be responsible for the payments- Apparenlty large payments have also been forwarded to an unnamed Dutch politician, who insisted that his adoptive child stay abroad as long as possible. This irt turn is offered as one of the explanations for van Hulten's/ Casey's eagerness to find a job outside the Netherlands. The recent attempt by the General Secretary to cut down on his drinking habit and thereby to reduce his monthly expenditure by £1000 Is now also seen far less as a laudable exercise in self-restraint but rather as a highly necessary preparation for a life without support from Irish Catholic tax-pay-ers. Van Hulten/Casey has not yet decided how he Is going to be named in the future and was not available for comment as what to concerned his ancestry. Crawford denies scandalous rumours Last night, the LSE Press Officer was facing the toughest moment of his career as a scandal threatened to wipe out all of the hard work that he has done for the School since joining them as a glorified busy-body. lain Crawford, known with fondness throughout the School, was said to be reeling from the shock of allegations naming him to be "celibate and a teeto- taler". Understandably, Crawford was deeply upset by the news and was said to be seeking the advice of his lawyer until the early hours. (Of course, it goes without saying that she was female.) ¦ A Gesture A press conference was called by the Director on behalf of Mr Crawford so that he could refute these allegations. In a gesture intended to show the press how wrong they were about his character, he turned up with a whiskey bottle in his hand and proceeded to drink its contents within the next 10 minutes. Despite the fact that this was only for show, Crawford managed to stay remarkably upright during the proceedings and was only heard to slur his words 17 times. 'Only in it for the sex' When commenting on the charges of celibacy brought against him, Crawford replied that he "could not understand why someone could put such a slur upon [his] characterfor any reason. I am well-liked and well-respected amongst women. They know what I think about them and they know 1 am only in it for the sex. 'To say anything else would be grossly offensive to me and would reflect badly upon my position within the school." Horizontal position When asked what exactly that position was, Crawford replied that it was "strictly horizontal". The Beaver then asked him whether he drank and had sex at the same time, as he had claimed todoayear ago. On this occasion, he did admit that he had lied previously but was "working on it so as not to disappoint the punt- ers . The rest of the School administration refused to comment on the future of Mr Crawford within the LSE establishment. However, it is known that, with such a scandal currently going on, his position within the School will have to be reviewed. The Beaver would like to thank for printing this spoof issue, PDC Copyprint for producing all the photos, and all the staff members who worked ever-so-diligently (if anonymously) on this issue. The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 NEWS 5 Visionary Ashworth knighted for services to liiglier education dents ont the streets ^or the better good of universities throughout the country. knighted in the ,7;'moonl'ighr'con' 'Revel'ation ,herevei?nTgladonhe enough to be able to fulfill lerthe glare of the press Queen's Birthday graiulatingtheworkof His philamhroplc work attehtion that a feilow commitment. for this. However, Ash-Honours Listfor his their secret hero. been particularly university is enjoying. All, services to higher sir John, as he will be admired, not just by the that is, except for Sal- ford, the former home of talk to the press as he the Director. wishes to spend more time with his family. However, in an earlier Students there are interviewwithTheBea- heard to be on hunger ver, he did state that he strike, trying to win back did not spend enough the heart of their former time with the LSE as Chancellor who chose family and private busi- to have his vision at the ness matters directed his LSE over them. Salford attentions elsewhere but students are disap- that he hoped to rectify pointed that Dr Ashworth this situation soon. It was revealed education. called, was honoured for students that he gov- npy/ppntn^^ First Love last night that our Already the news his tireless work to try erns at the moment, but ever popular Direc- has leaked out to stu- and rescue Coun^ byother^ much to be privatised but been his first and oniy tnr r»r Inhn Ach dents ont the streets ^or the better good of universities throughout . » * * ¦ ^ n, a u ic Of LSE and they have future students. the country. he was unable o stay at love and [^r Ashworth worth, IS to be ^een seen revelling in .Revel'ation hasfrequentlyhadtosuf- the moonlight, con- .........................this commitment. At the moment, Dr - Ashworth is unable to Please See Knight, page 6 Bradburn sobers up Jon Bradburn has asked the Beaver to mention that he will spend the time after his exams attempting to get sober before starting off as a sabbatical in July. He plans to "mentally catch up with the last fewyears which I missed due to alcohol". It is reported that Bradburn will also undergo psychiatric counselling directed at overcoming the shock which he suffered at the end of March when he got to know that even sabbaticals have to pay for their beers in the Three Tuns. Vegetarian Cafe goes for animals The Vegetarian Cafe is going to offer meat from the next year onwards. At the time of writing it could not be ascertained by The Beaver staff, whether this was just a joke or reality. Students are divided on the issue. Some said considered this move to be outra-gous, whereas other overseas students hoped that soon furs with a LSE-logo would be sold in the Union shop. Suggestions by Ron Voce that the disused Underground could be turned into a slaughterhouse have been rejected unanimously by all students This is a real advertisement NATWEST STUDENTS HAVE A WHOtE LOT MORE HOLES IN THE WALL r m Not only do NatWesr have more branches on or very near campus than any other bank, but your NatWest Senicecarcl will allow you Lo draw nioney IVom Midland and TS13 cash dispensers too. And with Student Seivice Officers at even' campus branch who really understand what student life is about, it's not hard to understand \\hy more students bank with us than with anybody else. just you make sure you choose the course and college that's right for you. Because you can be pretty certain NatWest will be around. Snitlent Manager: 'rrcvor Hillier, 6S Aklwyiii Hniiuii. Tel: 0" 1 2-i2 (liO-i. A National Westminster Bank We're here to make life easier N:iliiin:il WVMiiiiii.sicr ll.iiik I'll lU-.ni.Min-il (lllm- il I. ulil.iiiA. I.oiuli in ICJl'.Mil' 6 NEWS The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 Van Hulten to receive Golden Globe? Rumours at the LSE has it that Michiel van Hulten will be awarded the Golden Globe Award for his contribution towards comedy. Students at the LSE were left bewildered at the news that "silliness pays off that well". In the meantime serious doubts have surfaced about the validity of the rumours, as it was pointed out that most of the entertainment provided by van Hulten was enacted in a state of complete drunkenness and as such may not have constituted acting LSE to put customers first Director puts forth plans to privatise the School Michiel van Hulten Is rumoured to be up for a Golden Globe nomination, as well as an award for Best Country 'n' Western solo act at all. Nevertheless van Hulten has good chances mainly due to his most hilarious act in public, which was the promise of "imagination and creativity as a General Secretary" during his election campaign in 1991. This is a real advert STUDENTS REQUIRED for part-time work in the Union Shop (basement of East Building) 8-20 hours per week, startir^ Sept. '92 See Ruth In Shop for application fornD. Closing date for applications: 9th June This is a real advert The LSE, in an attempt to become Britain's most profitable university, is to dramatically change its way of working. The fundamental change will be the desire to put Customers first, as the Director, John Ashworth-a-lot, insists Students should now be called. Ashworth-a-lot's research has shown that LSE Customers do not enjoy Exams so they will be abolished, and replaced with much more user-friendly Tequila Parties. "Customers' Degrees will be marked on their ability to enjoy Is this for real? Director John Ash-worth apparently thinks that his staff needs to show a bit more altruism concerning the plight of the homeless student. Along those lines. The Beaver thinks the Director might do well to set a precedent for any of his reluctant employees by offering up part of his home as well. As a matter of fact, it is rumoured that the LSEAU's First XV Rugby team are looking for a place to live next year. How about it, John? The London School of Economics and Political Science I'roni ihc Director: Or.J.M. Ashworih Houghton Street London \VC2A 2AE Telephone: 071-405 7686 Telex. 24655 LSELON C Fax: 071-404 5510 Direct line: 071-955 7007 28 April 1992 student Accnmmndation I am writing to seek your support in helping the School provide more residential accommodation for its students. The cost of accominodation is consuming an ever increasing share of students' very limited resources. It may be that you have a spare room or other accommodation which could be let to a School student at a fair but nevertheless below market rent. Please consider whether such an arrangement could be of mutual benefit. Obviously, from the students' point of view, location is an important factor: accominodation should not be more than about one hour's travelling time door to door. The Student Union Housing Adviser, Susan Garrett, Extension 7145, would be pleased to give advice and accept details of accommodation which may be available. On the same subject of student accommodation, work has recently commenced to build the 140 place Annex at the Rosebery Avenue Hall. With the completion of this development in June 1993, the School will have increased its accommodation stock by some 70% over a 3i year period. Nevertheless, 200 places elsewhere are likely to be lost with the expiry of leases in 1994; these places must be replaced and other accommodation provided so that the School may have sufficient accommodation to help attract the best quality students. In this connection, it may be that you are aware of sites and buildings in central London which could be developed to provide additional places. If so then please get in touch with Robert Smith, Assistant Secretary, Extension 7083. 1 lir S, h<«.l .>1 1 >H..I ..I ihr I t>i%rrM Apparently, It is. themselves - this is what the market says it wants, so this is what we will give them" says Ash-worth-a-lot. A special working party looking into degree marking under the new scheme, led by Professor Magnanimous Decision, has agreed that special marks will be awarded for those who interpret the purpose of the Tequila parties best. The toilets are going to be doubled in size and newly equipped in line with these proposals. Those who wish to continue with the more traditional approach to study will be able to do so in the new Department of Ye Olde Style-of-Study, led by Professor Karl About-to-Popoff, aged 106. Professor About-to-Popoff has accepted the directive from Ashworth-a-lot about the customer being always right, and so will be giving all students in the Olde-Style- of-Study full marks for everything they do. Asked about the plans for the Olde-Style-of Study department, the professor told The Beaver, "Err, Piles of Studs.....well.... err, no I haven't been put out to stud yet.... can you pass me my teeth." Ashworth-a-lot's plans are designed to eradicate the space problem. Nothing will be compulsory, so that customers can choose their own bundle of goods, and do not have to crowd into uncomfortable lecture rooms because of unpopular timetables. As a result, the Head of Site Development and Services, Michael Cooped-up, will be leaving the School. To improve productivity and remove the need for atterrdance at the School by students, degrees will be given out at registration on the first day. The plans have been welcomed particulary by right wingers Alan Skidmarks, and Michiel Van Ashworth-Lover. Van Ashwor't'h- Lover described the proposals as "a good example of the students union and the School working together." When asked about his imminent departure, Van Ashworth-Lover described this too as "a good example of the Students Union and the School working together." Sir John of LSE Knight, from page 5 worth remains unabashed now that he has been nominated for his knighthood. It was clear to all those at the LSE that County Hall held a special regard in the eyes of Dr Ashworth and now that his endless efforts have been rewarded both he and all of his students are said to be delighted. Brown Nose One LSE student, when commenting on the happy news, said to our reporters, "I think he's a real boy. Top class stuff, you know. It's really great what he's doing for LSE and all that crap. 1 hope he can make us private, that's all. If he does that, my wishes for the place'll be fulfilled, you know." This comment seemed to reflect the popular sentiment on the streets as the rumour of his nomination spread across London. Boring Michiel van Hulten was also happy to comment on the recent news. However, because he is such a boring bastard, we decided to not bother with him and to save you the pain instead! The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 CAMPUS 7 L et's ee Europe Joe Lavin trips lightly across Europe in Sex-crazed, Drug-induced frenzy, meets the Pope and falls madly in love with a Spanish Flamenco dancer. Like many others at the LSE, I spent my Easter holidays travelling around the continent. And also like many others, I have this deep desire to tell all people about my European trip. People will come up to me to ask for money, and I have to fight back the urge to respond, "No, but you know the ten pence piece you have in that bucket can buy an entire meal in Czechoslovakia." I also have pictures, plenty of pictures, over two hundred of the little expletives. You see. Mom said she wanted pictures, so she got pictures, some pictures that I don't even remember taking. I was showing them to a friend the other day, and sometimes I just had no clue. "Well, that there is some sort of castle type thing just outside Copenhagen. I think." "Ah, Joe, that's the Eiffel Tower." "Oh, yeah, I guess you're right." Dave Barry once said that the g reat thing about travelling around Europe as an American is that you get to broaden your cultural horizons and "meet people from completely different states." And boy was he right. I met people from Nebraska, Alaska, Tennessee, Montana, and occasionally a real honest to goodness actual European person. Unfortunately, these Europeans kept talking in these funny foreign languages in which the consonants had managed to overthrow the oppressive yoke of the vowels. So mostly, I stuck to the Americans, Aussies, and Brits. Still, it was a rewarding experience. And I did learn many valuable lessons that sadly will not be appearing on my exams. For example, the world really isn't that large a place. And the boundaries of countries no longer really matter. We are all really one. And then there's the final and most important lesson I learned. Stupidity is everywhere. Yes, that is what the rest of this column is about. Stupidity. All kinds of , stupidity. Individual stupidity. Institutional stu-pidity. Papal stupidity, and even my own stupidity. You can't escape stupidity. It's lurking, everywhere. For instance, there was the Nebraskan I met in Prague who informed me that "My grandfather was on the Mayflower, you know." As my friend Tim responded, "Wow! He must be really old," well into his fourth century by my count. I think after a short time she figured out her mistake and realised that maybe it was her great grandfather instead. This is the same person who later exclaimed, "You know, I really like Mariah Carey. She's like my idol. I mean, she's probably the best^artist of the nineties. No, not the nineties! The latter half of the twentieth century." I, of course, disagreed. I thought New Kids on the Block were much better. Not to mention Cher. Or there was the girl I roamed around Rome with foracouple of hours. She was just starting her trek through Europe and had it all planned out. I asked her if she had some sort of train pass. The Eiffel Tower in Paris may not have been that bad an idea I also ran into a fair amount of institutional stupidity, mainly in those institutions which have something to do with trains. For instance, there was the eleven o'clock train from C 0 p e n -hagen to Berlin on which we had seats reserved that sud-d e n I y around 10:30 got bored and decided to leave early without us. Or there was the 9:55 Budapest-Munich train for and she actually re- which tickets were sold sponded, "Well, no, I'm at the train station. The not planning to take only problem was that many trains. I plan to do the train didn't actually a lot of walking." I tried to exist, and so I didn't i n t r 0 -duce the topic of distance into the conversation, and she did con-c e d e that she would do a little hitchhiking. But mostly she was going to walk. leaving from track number six. It was around 7:39 when we finally discovered that the station had no track number six. As you can imagine, this caused considerable difficulties. And yes, I even came across Papal stupidity on my travels when I ran into the Pope. You know, he heard I was in Rome and called me up and said, "Hey, Joe, how have you been? You know, the hell with this holyweekthing. Let's do lunch." O.K., so I'm lying. But I did really see the Pope. It was on Holy Thursday, and I was wandering around St. Peter's while the Pope was giving a mass. The stupid thing is that this was allowed. It was not a sin. In fact, the Vatican people encouraged stupid tourists such as myself to wander up and down the aisles of St. Pete taking pictures. For future reference, it really ruins the effect of a Papal mass when camera laden tourists are busy exclaiming in fifteen different languages, "Hey, Schioss Charlottenburg in Berlin, one of many sites Joe may have visited She also talked a lot about "sleeping in fields." Seeing as the hostel we were staying in was completely filthy and didn't actually possess any toilet seats, it make it to Munich. We had a similar problem in Brno, Czechoslovakia where we attempted to catch the 7:40 train from Brno to Vienna cool, it's the Pope dude!" I wasn't exactly immune from this stupidity phenomenon either. Tim and I are the ones, after all, who travelled from Vienna to Budapest, via Paris. Granted, I never have taken a geography class, but I did kind of gather that Paris wasn't real close to Budapest. You see, it was one of those wild irrational decisions that we made in under five minutes when we realised that we had missed the Budapest train and still wanted to leave Vienna. Paris was the only choice, so we went to Paris, saw the big sights, and nine hours after arriving took a night train to Budapest. Yes, it was stupid, irrational, and senseless, but it was also fun. Well, other than that I did absolutely nothing else in any way stupid. I mean, it's not as if I left my luggage unattended in the currency exchange of the Zurich train station and then walked around for two hours trying to figure out where the hell my luggage was. Well, actually, I did do that, but that's entirely beside the point which happens to be that I did nothing stupid on my travels, except for that time when I - Oh, hey, look! I've run out of space. Oh damn, I'll have to save that story for later. Wouldn't want to impinge on the space of the Busy Beaver (who is nowhere to be found - Ed.). So I'll talk to you all later. Unless does anyone want to look at my pictures? No, but you can read more about the Spanish Flamenco Dancers, etal, in the next, ever-exciting installment of "Joe's Journeys" 8 CAMPUS The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 News in Briefs Dates for your Diary this term: Bill - 14th June is National Drinl(-Well Week, and it is Students Unfou policy to educate aii l$E students to tfie joys and tieneHts of alcohol consumptmn. Events include a display all week in the Quad with posters and other information promoting rapid and excessive alcohol consumption, a sponsored "Drlnkathon'* on Thursday In the Tuns, and a free pamphlet (available from Students U nion reception.EastBullding) describing howmuch drink Is too little, entitled ^'Alcohol, the best Lubrication". Co-mclding with this Is National Start Smoking day, Wednesday 8th June, as organised by the Tobacco Advisory Council, The aim of this day Is to Introduce non> smokers to smoking and the Issues surrounding It (like why can't you smoke anywhere nowadays?}^wl]llst providing moral support to reinforce the habit of existing smokers. A limited number of vouchers for free cartons of cigarettes are available from the Social Secretary's office. Penultlmately, In support of men's groups worldwide, Tuesday 7th June is the first international Heterosexual fVlens Day (IHIVID), events include the showing of a film in the Old Theatre, a special meeting of the debating society to debate "THE that men are superior and generally get shat on by women and no-one understands us properly", and all day videos of snooker^ baseball, and sleazy Madonna videos. And In a similar vein, the Silver Walk committee have organised a Walk-in-and-get-laid Keg-party on Thursday 9tb June, It is for the benefit of American students who spend all fucking day complaining that the parties here are not as good as the ones back home In the States, Well this one Is heralded as the best party of the year and I for one will definitely be going, to find out if the Americans actually party or If they just think they do, and I wish them luck. Finally, The Beaver Is organising a Drugs A mnesty lor aii LSE drug users. As the term ends, we're sure that many of you have illegal controlled substances which you do not want to take home, yet which you would not like to fall Into the hand of sweet Innocent young children. These drugs may be, given in confidence to the Beaver Office In the East Building where you can be sure we will dispose of them safely and efficiently. But on a lighter note, there's this guy flying TWA from Heathrow to New York, and as he settles down to read his newspaper the stewardess comes up to him and asks: "Would you like some of our TWA coffee sir?" To wdiich he replies: "No, but I wouldn't mind some of your TWA tea." It's Summertime Stars love their Left: Wayne and Garth (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey) are avid Beaver lovers. On Top (always):Pop star Madonna also loves her Beaver. Photos:The Observer continued from page 3 When asked about their reaction to The Beaver scooping the Puiiitzer Prize, cult TV and film actor Mike Myers said: "No way!" In response, his co-star in the new hit film Wayne's World Dana Carvey said: "Way!" Pop star Madonna was more enthusiastic and even claimed to have read our paper, saying: "On hot summers evenings 1 like nothing better than to curl up in bed alone with my Beaver" Sharon Stone (photo on page 19) was given a copy of The Beaver by one of our reporters at the recent premiere of Basic Instinct, she said she was sure it was a "Cool" paper and autographed it for us. We are offering Sharon Stone's autographed copy in a competition, the winner is the person who best completes the following caption: "I want to own Sharon Stone's Beaver because ... (no more than 20 words)" Closing date 3rd June 1992. The editor's decision is final. ADVERTISMENT IMMORAL? UNETHICAL? DISLOYAL? SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR? NOT AFRAID TO RAT ON YOUR FRIENDS? SPEND LOTS OF TIME IN THE BAR? - YOU HAVE A HOME AT THE BEAVER The Beaver Is looking for a new Busy Beaver gossip columnist, as the old one graduates this year (and we all wish Paul the best of luck in his new job at The Sun newspaper), if you think that you could do as well or better then we'd like to hear from you. Tell us (in 2-300 words) why you think you'd make a good Busy Beaver, and send it to: The Campus Editor, The Beaver E197. No Salary, but blackmail opportunities in abundance. The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 CAMPUS 9 On The Campus at LSE! Horrorscope What do your stars say? IVIr E tells all! Hi, I'm the resident Beaver astrologer, and I'm here to drop a few hints about what is going to happen in the future, to fill you with my wisdom, with the fruit of my labours and penetrate your souls. If you're an Aries then don't fly anywhere between 25th June and 15th July, the spirits forecast that this will be a time of disaster for you. Taureans will get no sex at all whatsoever during the summer (Mars in Uranus). Gemlnis are going to find job-hunting very difficult this summer (Mars in Jupiter). Cancers will suffer some kind of severe illness over the summer (Pluto in Euro-Disney). Laos must watch their food intake; a typically hungry sign, the lion eats and eats, but now could be the time to watch what they eat as some kind of virulent food poisoning could be on the horizon (drinking, of course, is fine). I feel that Virgos will have problems with water over the next few weeks, I'm not sure whether it's drowning, being attacked in the shower, or just plain incontinence - but beware, this is not a good time of year to get wet. Typical Librans will be in unusual financial difficulties by the end of this term. Now might be the time to cut back on your expenditure and try to get back some of those drinks you've been buying everyone else all term. This one may sound strange, but Scorpios must avoid four-legged animals in the third week in June, as the conjunction of Mercury with Neptune will make things harsh foryou if you anger for example, a dog or a cat. Saggitareans are re- known for their low self pok't uwrrv about it. just lean forularp and ji66le vour feet... r mM The "Offensive" cartoon which Miss B. Eaver received from her economics professor. Courtesy: Mr C. Shultz 'Econ Prof tried to get into my kniclcers!' continued from page 2 She was overheard saying "If that fucking cunt gives me any more of his shit, I'll ram his fountain pen so far up his arse that he'll have to mark my next essay by sitting on it!" Other female students taking the course described him variously as "slimy", "creepy", and "a leech with dandruff": the general consensus was that he should be held up in front of the board of Governors by his tes- ticles. "The student's tutor was yesterday unavailable for comment as a result of the forthcoming disciplinary action. SPERM DONORS WANTED HIGHEST RATES PAID. NO QUESTIONNAIRES. TOP QUALITY SWEDISH MAGAZINES Contact: S Lee, The Golden Duck Restaurant, Bermondsey London SE16 esteem, now summer is here it is time to stop mentally and physically abusing yourself, go out and be friendly, find a partner, dance in Hyde Park at midnight, just stop thinking that your life revolves around Neighbours and the local bar. Capricorns aretypi-cally unliked by the other signs as a result of their selfish natures. Now might be the time to heal old wounds and make up with friends which you have lost durin the year. Aquarians should take advantage of this month to sow new seeds, if you are bored with life at present then now is the time to branch out and meet new people. However, beware of a man with a large stick on the 13th, he means you great harm. Pisceans should shield themselves from emotional harm in the first week of next month, as there is great turbulence in the cosmic pathways which bodes ill. Quote of the Week: "All Americans want to do when they go abroad is meetotherAmeri-cans so they can complain about how difficult it is to get a decent burger." - Naked Lunch ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE TM YOURSELF REQUIRES MOTIVATED, LITERATE, NUMERATE, MALE/FEMALE GRADUATES IN THE SOCIAL SCIENCES TO JOIN THEIR SALES TEAM. KINGS CROSS AREA OTE £15k NO SALES EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. • MarketYOURSELF^'^ to our demanding clientelle. • Sell our new product YOURSELF^'^. • Make contacts with top business figures, the legal profession (the DPP), and overseas clients. • Sell YOURSELF^'^ in the Kings Cross area. So, if you're graduating and you haven't found the right job, maybe selling YOURSELF^^ is the answer! Contact: Madame Sadie Outside Casey Jones Restaurant Kings Cross Station (BR) Thursdays 2-3am 10 ARTS The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 An Inquiry into tlie Realms of Meaning Paul's Poetry Corner It penetrates the most Inner chamber of your sanity, evoking an eruption of desire, lust, passion for what Is eternally a paradox: the physical hunger of the mind. Neo- Freudian ? Perhaps. Or is but an elaboration of the mostfundamental of human instincts ? Progress, development and evolution: the only true tradition is that things do and always will change. This picture defines hope in its perversely naked reality. Hope or desire? Mother of God or Satan? It's hard to say but one thing is for sure, one ultimate fact of our anarchical, yet astonishingly harmonious existence remains, a truism, an axiom, an undeniable verity ; Teddy Sheringham scored 38 league and cup goals for Millwall last season. But is that relevant? Is that a chair ? Am I bold an can you pass the salt, please ? Bollocks The purpose of this discussion is to develop a comprehensive analysis of the meaning of life. The picture is a catalyst, if you will, a spur inciting us to think. But is all this really necessary ? Does Sinead O'Connor have more hair on head than on hernipple ? How does a banana split ? How does a cake crumble ? How does a milk shake ? Funny, ha ha ha, is your brain's slow drowsy reaction, but its not a laughing matter. No, this is serious. BOXXOXKO A lot of us forget the ancient Greek tale of a young man named Amolis. One sunny, summer morning, Amolis, his torso laden with muscles and his mind on Elsia, queen of the birds, approached his father: "Father, I must leave this island for it is time for me to see the world", said he, his nostrils flaring. "My son, you may go and may the winds of the sky blow in your favour", replied the old man. Amolis left. A Vision Perhaps now it has become clear to the reader that we can only find solace in departure. Departure, however, is m What does this picture mean to you? (We think it's ice cream, Paul) no longer physically possible. This brings us back to the picture. The artist attempts at departure. Does he succeed ? yes, but only partially : a sorrowful fact assaults itself upon us as we starR compassionately, perhaps with tears in our eyes, at this monument of art; the existence of choice. Choose foryour-self, for living life is like breezing through a third rate canteen. You, the customer, nervously pick and choose as the customer behind pricks you on the shoulder and asks, " excuse me, do you know what the parallel quotient of an hy-perdometric vector's numerical value is ?" One mustgive up. The search is absurd and the canteen will never end. But at least the possibility of departure, escape from the canteen is now with us. Before you leave us, you'd probably like to bring a snapshot of life, ofthe canteen. I'm sure this picture will do: it did for the artist. Basic Sex By Charles Chaplin Basic Instinct, what could this refer to I wondered before going to see to it, its got Mickey Douglas (speciality: dodgy, potboiler, action-thrillers, and double chins), and Sharon Stone (speciality: dodgy action films with hardly anything resembling a plot, playboy centrfolds, and a tendency to bear that not-reaily-very-ugly body of hers to the full extent at any cinematographic moment), and Paul "blood-and-guts, sex and violence" Ver-hoeven. Probably just a harmless piece ofamily entertainment. Harmless enough if you family consisits only of yourself and your partner-in-bed and you're not quite sure how this 'sex' thing works. Anyways, the script apparently went for a more-than-generous sum of $3 million to that well-known scriptwriter and con-artist Joseph 'Why don't I regurgitate the plot from one of my earlier films and add lots more sex and violence ' Esterhaz. Was it worth it? Well frankly, as far as the script goes my little sister could have done a much bettter job by simply picking words randomly with the use of her 'Speak'n'Spell' . Classic lines are not to be found in this film, and were not the purpose of said film anyway. Well not unless 1 missed something. But then again who cares right?^l mean let's face it we're not going to go and see this film to be culturally enriched are we. NO. We're only going for the sex. That's what we've been told about isn't tit (oops Freudian slip). Sex. Hmmm. Hmmm, well...actually.... Oh sorry my mind just started wondering. Sex. Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what you get when you watch this film, and plenty of it. The plot is incidental to Mickey's humping, but for those of you who want to know about it, this is it: Bloke gets killed during mid-orgasm/cocaine trip by mad ice-pick wielding woman,mad ex-druggie cop comes in on the case,sick jokes abound about corpses feelings at time of death etc., main suspect is Sharon Stone a bisexual sex-goddess/best-selling writer, cop falls for her,begins to suspect other people(as do we), so who dunnit?, we don't know till the end etc. Paul Verhoevens directing is up to scratch, pulling no punches and holding nothing back, and manages to keep the film alive despite a Blood, guts, Michael Douglas' chin and Sharon Stones' tits plot so full of holes that Condom manufacturers have actually had nightmares about it. With the essential bloody deaths, and car chases, the action, when it comes, is good enough. So, to recap, this is what you get when you go to see the film: you get blood,sex, and icepicks, Mickey Douglas and his amazing multiple chin, Mickeys ex-lover/ shrink, and a sex/rape scene, Sharon Stone and Mickey Douglas out at the beach house, Sharon and Mickey getting close, Sharon and Mickey dancing, Sharon and Mickey bonking, Mickeys' head in Sharons' nether-regions, and vice versa, HANGOVERS By Jonny Bradburn Hangovers are a subject very close to my heart,never will a weekgobywithoutme acquiring one many times without even trying loo hard to do so.Financial,emotional or educational failure have nothing on the gut wrenching feelir»g of waking up with your tongue stuck to the pillow.a head that feels like its gone ten rounds with the tos Angeles Police Department and a stomach that at any moment js likefy to return the Doner kebab you deposited in there only the previous evening.No mat-ter how bullet-proof, in- visiWe Of sexually attractive you may have been the night before with 12 pints of Old speckled bullfrogs bowel-basher swilling around inside you .you are faced with the grim realisation that you are faced with hours of hot sweats, shakes ,ina-biiity to concentrate on anything above the in^ tellectuai rigours of Turnabout,Richard and Judy discussing Richards vasectomy and hisllghtof fingered activities(Honest your Honour 1 completely forgot ^out those two Please see Hungover page 12 Mickey groping Sharons' tits and Sharon doing things to Mickeys' John Thomas, Sharon wincing (but not visibly) at Mickey and his flabby bottom-from-hell, bit more sex, Sharon Stones' tits, bit more violence, Sharon Stones' tits, total confusion, Sharon Stones' tits etc. So a porno film with a plot. A definite must-see: as Mr. Verhoeven said "fuck political correctness". And Sharon Stones' tits are bloody good, aren't they? The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 ARTS 11 Shields on Chelsea A critical, and by the looks of it a very creative analysis of the football team that is ...Chelsea. By James "Cheuibacca Shields I'm sure that many people glancing at the final standings of the league tables this season will take great satisfaction in seeing Chelsea resting in 14th spot. However lets take a look at the real facts. All season we've had to put up with whinging scousers moaning half the team not fit. So fucking what? Chelsea have had to put up with real problems this season and we stil managed to beat them at Anfield this season without the Leagues' greatest centre-half Paul Elliot. We squared up to battle with Cabra Estates over Stamford Bridge and took an inflated valuation for the grounf squarely on the chin.(take note scousers) even though we knew the real reason for this hiked up price was because half the stock market want a piece of the hallowed turf. Just take a look at the footballing greats that Chelsea are currently giving the league the privelage of accomodating. Such luminaries as Andy townsend, Paul Elliot, Vinny Jones (when will people stop mistaking passion and commitment for thug- No Talent! Kylie's Krap: it goes on and on. Scouser News has just arrived in The Beaver office of Kylie Minogue's new film, "No Talent". She co-stars with Jim Davidson, and the film will be directed by Bruce Forsyth. Kylie's role is that of hardened female wrestler Rip Doff, who after forty-five years on the tough professional circuit decides she wants more than cheap motels and takeaway food. Wanting to achieve something with her life, she embarks on a courageous journey across town to find the hottest vindaloo possible. This bout of guilt/aspiration to her true vocation /whatever you call it is sparked by Bill Werbenuik's failure to re-appear on the professional snooker circuit (at top level), and she makes a tearful vow to him and pledges to drink as much beer as possible on her quest. This sad beginning to the film though is shortlived, as Kylie battles across London (the town in question), finding hope and love in the cities best curry-houses. Along the way she meets many wandering wayfarers, including Chair Pee-cochnee (Jim Davidson), whom she falls in love with over eighteen pints of lager and a Keema-Nan. Jim is an out of work comedian, reduced to such levels as playing a chauffeur in a poor ITV sitcom also starring that bloke from Alio' Alio' (terrible level of degradation). Jim is forced the Christmas before to play the Dominion Theatre (have you ever seen anyone going in there?) and to voting Tory. Through Kylie he finds his true self again, and starts life again by hosting Turnabout and re-making the whole of The Sky at Night. Our budding couple then go through the trials and tribulations of living with his parents oh' a barge on the Thames. This provides some delightful scenery for them to dive into as they go for their early morning swims. His parents are played by Chris Patten (unemployed nobody) and Ed the Duck (also unemployed nobody). Things begin to go wrong for the young lovers when they realise that their meagre earnings (i.e nothing) won't support their beer drinking/ curry-munching habits at the Four-Kings Hot Curry Store (which they decide is the location of the ultimate Vindy). Thus they are both forced to find work. Jim becomes Hilda Ogden's toilet roll holder, and is lucky enough, er, sorry , unluckily apart from his love most of the time. Kylie, however is not as fortunate as Jim, and can't even find work as Frank Bruno's punchbag, or Robert Maxwell's lifebelt. Eventually, unqualified and peniless, lunatic, demented, and drunk half the time due to her terrible habit, she is forced to become a politician. Elected in by talking crap and making promises she didn't keep the last time she was voted in, she quickly grows close to Paddy Ashdown and (quite predictably I thought) has an affair with his secretary. Thus our saucy couple experience difficulties, made worse when Jim Please see On and On... page 12 gery?), Dixon and Wise, without whom England would have not been playing in Sweden this summer, would grace any side in the world. Young players such ase Graeme LeSaux, Graeme Stuart, Frank Sinclair and Andy Myers are future world beaters, Myers taking that Mane, shit Kanchelskis out of the game at Old trafford. So shut up moaning and pay your respects. Let's face it, I don't think there's a player in the league fit to wipe their arses. Not only have we got the greatest players, but also the greatest fans, with the greatest songs. Own up Arsenal, why do you keep nicking our songs? 1 can't remember us not filling an away end this season. Tottenham fans are always going on about how their averages are better than ours, that might be so at kick off but what's the attendance after half the crowds fucked off halfway through the second half. Half the scousers 1 know can't even be arsed to get out of their armchair on match day, yetstill reckon theirfans. Mindyou, Isupposethey don'twantto crease their shellsuits. Let's face it we've also got the hardest fans in the world as well, if you don't believe me just ask Mid-dlesboro'. Millwall are just a bunch of brain dead dockers, so it's obvious, Chelsea own London.(Not-NA) If we take a look down memory lane we'll also realise that all of the games greats learnttheir trade at Chelsea. Take Jimmy Greaves, Bobby Tambling, Chopper Harris, ray Wilkins and the nations greatest ever fonward Peter Osgood, to name but a few. The Yids and the greeks wouldn't even have managers now if it wasn't for us. Obviously after reading this article many will finally have to admit openly what they have previously only admitted to themselves. Chelsea are the greatest the world will ever have the privilege to be graced by. Even if they don't as Vinny and Wisey so eloquently put it at Anfield "Huh, we're bothered." Everyone knows we're the glamour club of the league. Oh, and before I sign off, a little message for tottenham. I'm quite pleased that you didn't go down, you're always worth six points a season to us. A reply from Uncle Bob Hick: Q. Who knocked Chelsea out of the F.A. Cup? A. Sunderland. Q. Who beat Sunderland in the F.A. Cup Final? A. Liverpool. Enough said- Chelsea are shite. THE OLD THEATRE HOUGHTON ST., LONDON WC2 Special Limited Ticket Offer 071 955 7136 12 ARTS The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 You call that art? A Pretentious Critic waffles (what's new?) Have you ever been to an art gallery, stood in front of some so called abstract painting or object and thought "what the hell is that ?" Furthermore, what the fuck am I doing here? I mean the things people call art these days leave me wondering, if they are bordering on the very very limits of sanity itself or even whether or not they actually originated from the same planet as the rest of us terrestials. Not being singled-minded, in any way at all, I recognise that art encompasses many different fields and therefore 1 do allow for some elasticity of interpretation but crying for loud they're taking it too far. I remember watching the news one night and one art student, for herfinals, decided to place six heaps of hay on afloor in apparently no significant order, by her own admittance, and then had the nerve to call it art. Now I ask you, how can the civilised society in which we live, possibly conceive that such a display has any artistic merit whatsoever. To anyone who knows about art, and 1 know my art, that a was quite simply a big load of boll**ks! What makes the situation even worse, in my opinion, is the fact that, in this world there are people who have nothing better to do than support this supposed art by paying huge sums of money for it. This only results in the people concerned producing even more crap. Take Jackson Pollack, for instance, who simply throws paint at the wall whether it be with a brush or the paint pot itself and that for him constitutes a serious piece of art. I'm sure a little four year oldchild with a paint brush could achieve the same effect. What's more his parents would have a serious sense of humour failure if he or she did so. Quite frankly. I pity the poor person who has to clean the mess off afterwards. Then there are what I refer to as the 'morally reprehensible artists' who set out to shock us all with the extent of their perversion. Max Ernst, whose painting. Men Shall Know Nothing of This, basicly depicts a sculpture of copulating couple. Stupid or what? Anyway, I don't know what you think but to all intents and purposes 1 reckon that position is impossible. To be fair this sort of exploitation does not only occur in paintings and sculpture, it occurs in all forms of visual presentation. Take any film that has come out over the past few years, which is so shit it would not be able to stand on its own two feet in main stream cinema, put it into a cinema hardly anyone goes to and then you're guaranteed to getsome-one calling a great work of art. Bertrand Babiel's, Oo Err Missus! Trop Belle Pour Toi, starring Gerard Depar-dieu is a classic example of this phenomenon as is Blue Velvet directed by David Lynch of Twin Peaks fame, I rest my case. In the end I belive people should stop pampering to the pretentions of these artists, 1 use the term in its most generic sense, and tell I ¦ 4 Bradburns article is Hungover From page 10 bottles of gin and the dozen cans of Ten-nents $uper)or 'The Word' (shag ya later, bollocks} and of course you dont overly relish the prospect of knowing that the feeling you would experience being on the Inside of aSumowrestlersjock-strap would be more pleasurable. So the question would seenrt-inglybehowdoesone prevent the onset of a hangover? Many a remedy have sprung. not only from the deranged minds of sad old women (in my day we used to drink 2 gallons Of tomato juice then disembowel ourselves with a rusty teaspoon) but also from the multinational pharmaceutical companies who honestly expect us to believe that drinking a glass of rehy-drated lemony powder that looks and tastes like wee-wee Is going to make you feel better. Indeed the very thought of drinking aglass of'Resolve' Is more likely to send me racing for a chat with the nearest U-bend than make me feel atlve and kicking again. Perhaps the soundest two ways of avoiding the dreaded hangover are 1. Dont get drunk in the first place (effective but exceptionally boring) and 2.Remain inebriated for the rest of your life.This second method is both very expensive and also a little impractical, especially if you are a neuro surgeon, but positively encouraged If you a high court judge or a first division footbedler. Having con^ered and rejected these two options I'll move on to more 'tried and tested' remedies. The old 'drinWng a pint of water before you go to bed* trick is a popular one to quote but not to use.Funny really but there's nothing that appeals to me more after consuming ten pints of Lager than flinging another pint of water down my throat,Another popular one is the tactical vomit before you go to sleep.Th IS tends to be used rather spontaneously by some people, notably one James Brown the financiaf mastermind behind The Beaver who in a little recorded incident managed to bring back his chicken curry,red wine and poppadums all over my leg at Camden Palace and Uten had the audacity to expect us to carry him out and transport htm home.To press on (as Clare Raynor would say) The bestcure I personally have found is the 'greasy fry up' which will either cure you or make you throw upwhich will also make you feel better. Under no circumstances drink Isotonic Lu-cozade, undoubtedly the most evil creation since'Cheggers Plays Pop* ¦''his concoction is deceptive.lt will lull you Into thinking that you feel better'replacing lost fluid' however it will then make you so violently and copiously sick that the contents of your stomach could have realistically been used to sustain the population of a small third world country. In the end there is little you can do if you do have a hangover perhaps that'll teach you not to drinKsomuch.butthen again perhaps not. things the way they really see them. If its crap, say its crap! (This article is a ioad of CRAP! - Ed) ...& on & on... Kylle's Krap Kontinues from page 11 takes a new job as Julian Clary, and goes on to inherit the costumes from Dame Edna's wardrobe. Kylie, jealous of Jim's anonimity, decides to go into football management, as boss of Beazer homes side Manchester United, where she tries to buy a successful team. However, the plot takes another twist when her star striker. Inspector Morse, goes completely sane during the last match of the season, and scores the own goal that stops the team from being promoted. The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 MUSIC 13 Life is the Name of the Game Singles reviewed by Colin Bell Single Of The Week Popinjays: Monster Mouth (One Little Indian) A record which flies of the turntable the moment you connect the needle with vinyl must have something going for it. This record strives for majestic glorification with all the pomp and ceremony but lacks that final touch to lift it off cloud eight. Swirling melodies are always a welcome shot in the arm. The perfect antidote to shoe-gazing. Probably. 25th of May: Go Wild (Arista) There is little doubt that 25th of May were pissed off when the Tories won yet another election, but they have to look on the bright side really. If the Tories hadn't won then both themselves and Billy Bragg wouldn't have had anything to gripe about. This single, complete with the sticker bearing the legend 'Warning:Offensive Lyrics' on the cover, leaves nothing to the imagination because of the four different mixes provided. A more cheerful record 25th of May watch the 1992 Election results come through than it's predecessors, 25th of May nevertheless lack that final blow which will send them screaming and kicking into the never regions of the charts. Spectrum: How You Satisfy Me (Silvertone) With Spacemen 3 banished into the history books for ever more. Sonic Boom tries to outdo his erstwhile colleague Jason by establishing a band to rival Spiritualised. With Richard Formby, producer of the Pale Saints and the Telescopes, and Mike Stout, one-time Wedding Present, Boom is set to storm the Indie Charts as Silvertone try to recoup their losses incurred through fighting endless court battles with the Stone Roses. A typical Spacemen 3 record, the album, 'Soul Kiss (Glide Divine), is due for release in June. Radiohead: Drill EP (Pariophone) When posting records to be reviewed it's always advisable to supply the title of each song otherwise the collection will become known as crap, shite, even worse than the previous one and what a load of bollocks this one is. Actually, there not that bad. Except I've heard them all before by bands who do them better. The Heart Throbs: She's in A Trance (One Little Indian) Phew! Indie guitars. You can't beat them. Kingmaker: The Killjoy Was Here EP (Scorch) An excellent record. Full of classic tunes, harmonious singing, tuneful guitars and really profound and meaningful lyrics. It will become an anthem for today,s generation. Something with which the Kids can unite against the man. A masterpiece of genius on par with the greats of yesteryear. A real winner. Number One for sixteen weeks. I want to marry you and have your children.....NOT! Why don't you just fuck off and die. Kingmaker. You're Shite. Is There Anybody Out There The Scorpions unveil their new album What do you do when you finally have a hit single in Britain and you have no nothing to release ? Well you allow your record company to release a tacky compilation album. So when Blunder Boy gave me this C.D by the Scorpions I nearly didn't bother playing it, after all I first heard the Scorpions in 1979, when I spent 8 weeks in Germany on a school exchange and I saw them at Wembley last year, before "Winds of Change" ever got on the crappy old play list at Radio 1, so don't tell me, about this great "new" German rock band! The title of this C.D. , 'Still Loving You', made me think bollocks, it's ballads, but this album 'aint just about ballads its about rocky ballads and most of them have been noticeably remixed. One thing is certain, the Scorps, don't write short songs. There are only 11 songs on this CD, but the music goes on for over an hour and it leaves you wanting more. The track selec- tion is culled from various albums back as far as the sexist cover of 1979's 'Love Drive', bubblegum stuck to left breast stuck to mans hand, to the recent 'Crazy World' album. Classic tracks such as 'Holiday', 'Is there Any Body There?' and 'Lady Starlight' are included as well as the title track. These songs feature some of the old lead guitarists such as UN Jon Roth and Rudi's brother Michael Schenker, but the stability of the last few years have brought a more cohesive unit and they deserve the success they have had. Gripes apart, if all you have ever bought is 'Crazy World', then buy 'Still Loving You'. But keep in mind 'Best of Rockers and Ballads' It has a better selection of tracks, and goes on for 75 minutes, and it is probably cheaper. So shove any thing by the Scorpions in your player and say "Here I am. Rock Me Like A Hurricane" Conway Twitty Bobby's Letters Bobby Charlton answers this week's Dear Bobby. In a recent FA Cup encounter, my team, MillwaJI, went a goal down against the home side Chelsea. The bloke standing next to me sported Chelsea's colours and was naturally delighted. Imagine his surprise when } hit him over the head with a bottle. Yours truthfully, T. Huriock Southhampton. Vtbes-BC Dear Bobby, In a recent FA Cup encounter, my team, Millwall, came from a goal behind to win 3-2 against the home team, Chelsea. The bloke standing next to me sported Chelsea's colours and was naturally disappointed despite his bleeding wound. Full of emotion, he tried to hft me over the head with a bottle. Imagine his surprise, then, when I pulled out a gun and shot him in the balls. Yours truthfully, T. Huriock Southhampton, Dear Bobby, I think Aston Villa are crap, like many other Northern and Midland teams. Don't you agree? Yours askingiy T. Sheringham. Nottingham Dear Jim'II Fix it, I wondered whether you could fix it for me and my friends to play for a decent team like Millwalf, because all the teams we play for are crap. Yours hopefully. Gary Lineker and his friends in the Premier League Now then, now then. How could we fix this? Weil, we rang up Mici( McCar^y, Millwali's excellent manager, and asked him whether he could help us fix this wish. Unfortunately, he told us to fuck off stating that all those players in the premier ieague are shite. We did however manage to fix it for Gary and his chums to watch Millwall in action so that they could watch and learn something about the game. Sir Jimmy Savilfe OBE VH)es-BC 14 MUSIC The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 Your Beaver Guide to Sweden 92***Your Beaver Guide to Sweden 92 Player Profile European Footballer of the Year Alan Sked.: Full name: Alan £clson Arantes de Nascs^ manto Sked, Date of bfrth; 3rd[ September 1939, Place of birth; Unknown. Current ''Not inter" Europe F,0, PoIWcal honours: Bath 1992-; 1 appearance'. no goals, 117 votes.' • ^ - FootbalJ honours; Suropeai Foo!jballer„of the Year 19at-2, World Cup Winner 1966,^ ^ -Best goal scored: "Welt^ it was ^ one wot made It 2-5 against the Jerries in '66x I just^ , ^wat!ed..tt^nd tt hit the bar ahd,b6iinced over-the line arid bounced out agakt. ThewanfteVirj^' the black tried to disallow it but Hunty had seen it all and told him not to fuck wtth ^e Brits cos we're always right which we proved because \we beat "em in the end and I got three if'l remember rightly." Favourite ground to play at; "I like Wembley but I suppose It's probably the Hieysel Stadium in Brussels. We buggered the Europeans there, didn't we? Pity about Maastricht -really. We shouldVe sent the Headhunters, the I.C.F,» the 6:57 Crew etc. Not thai wimp IVIajor. Up yours. Delors!" Who's going to win the European Cham-pionshipl': "Fucked if I either knew or care. It we do it's one up for Blighty and we can tell them to go stuff their Ecu and make them use good old Sterling not this 'Bank of Toytown' or Frankfurt or wherever shite. Rule Britannia evermore r Nickname; 'The Wizard of Drivel", "01* Blue Eyes'*. Best moment In career: "When we voluntarily left European club competitions In 1985, l think." Worst moment Jn career: "When Ihey stopped tie Home Internationals I was very upset. It's agreat feeling playing to a Wembley crowd full of dmnken Scotsmen, in the game which will decide ttie champions of the world's greatest tournament. But 1 ttiink the worst moment must be when they bribed us back to Europe. We had great competitions: The Full Members/Simod/ZOS Cup, The ScreenSport Super Cup, The Dubai Cup, and then ^ey con us into this European Cup lark. We should tell them to piss off, l reckon." Is there anything you feel which could be done to Improve the game?; ''I don't know what can be done now. It's too late. We should have patented ihe game when we invented it so we could tell Brussels to poke off when we get this UEFA direcfoe cac^ Or EEC, for that matter." Favourite singer: "Frank 'What's the Cosa Nostra^' Sinatra, of course." Ali«^m$ favourite Xl: "Nick Ri^dley, Enoch Powell, V^nnie Churchill, Norris McWhirter, OswaJcl Moseley, Geoff Thomas, The Queen Mother, Norman Tefctoit, Me, Dave Wadding-ton, Ken Baker. A nice uncompromisir^ line- Who do you rate In the game now?; "Hon Npades, He's ve/v tactftil, i IhlnH.*' bo you have any plans for the future?; 1 think 1 might nin for Governor of Hong Kong," interview: Oirek Dc»igan "It's Yours For 's men are on course for European and Nat Lofthouse as they talk With only another month to go before the start of the European Championships, Graham Taylor has some tough decisions ahead of him after the inconclusive build up of the last few weeks, like who's going to sing on the official team song. One thing's for sure, its going to be tough out there. In this preview we look at the players who we feel are the danger men of the eight teams competing for the second greatest prize in football. Ability Germany are the strong favourites to take the title for the third time. With their outstanding squad and their ability to play total football, key players are likely to include Lothar Matthias, Andreas Bremhe and Rudi Voller. But a strong challenge has been mounted by Simon Reidler. His ability is obvious. On the field he dictates proceedings with a cool, calm authority on the right wing but is never dull and afraid to speak his mind. His performances for UGM Dortmund were outstanding, although his appearances were limited due to tough competition from outside right Rizla Sheriff, the Irish international. Team mates are quick sing his Praises. Ron Voss, who is unfortunately injured and misses out on the championships, called him "A pain in the arse....for the opposition." Ashy, retiring chap, he should do well this summer in what could be his finest season yet. Cabbage Sweden's hopes of success on home soil seemed to be all but diminished thanks to the injury to MadOueen Beaver. Beaver, who is said to possess a pair of Sweden's greatest assets, unfortunately received a nasty gash on one of these assets during a domestic game or two. His/ her decision to undergo a sex change operation last season has not affected her performance and has laid on some of the greatest balls seen this season. Her place is likely to be taken by teen-pin up, the gorgeous Paul Bou-Habib-Dib-Dib-Dob, who's prepared to sacrifice any game so long as it does not damage his perfectly formed hairstyle. Mine's A Pint Probably the greatest surprise, selection wise, frohi England's point of view, is Graham Taylor's decision to include George McCloud-Castles. Taylor defended his decision by stating "If you don't experiment you don't find things out, do you, Brian?". McCloud-Castles, a veteran of two World Wars (shurly cups? - Ed.), was an outstanding left winger prominent member of Churchill's England Squad of 1939-45. However, fitness worries and his inability to last the full ninety minutes cast doubts over his selection plus his need to take a walking stick onto the field of play. He never-the-less gained 38 caps for England during his George McCloud Castles: Relax, girls. during the 'Thirties for Accrington Stanley, Barrow, Southport and Aldershot scoring 368 league goals in only 128 games and became a eorge mcc;iou sties scores the winner in the 1938 Cup Final career and his knowledge of the game could be vital. The boy should do well. Hancock's Half Hour Another addition to Taylor's squad is the dark-haired destroyer Dr Alan Sked, who recently picked up the European Footballer of the Year title. Sked, an inside right, may also be made captain in order to further Inter-European cooperation between the teams. His inclusion means John Barnes is left out while McCloud-Castles partners Gary Lineker up front. Sked, on his selection, said "It's a game of two halfs, Jimmy, but at the end of I The Beaver, 18th May, 1992 MUSIC 15 ** Your Beaver Guide to Sweden 92*f *Youf Beaver Guide To Sweden 92 The Taking, Graham" Championship Success say Ex-England stm exclusively to The Beaver the day it's being cooperative that matters." George Harrison Yugoslavia have a surprise package in the guise of Andy Kil