c o t Tde 'Beaver 9th9/(arch, 1992 Tfu. Students' Union 9{ezvsvaper of the London ScfiooC of 'Economics Issii£ 358 Bomb scare at the LSE By Hans Gutbrod Part of the LSE was evacuated last Tuesday following a bomb threat by the IRA. The fire bells went off at 2.50pin, causing immediate disruption to all lectures in the Old Building and Connaught House. Students, lecturers and all other staff moved into Houghton Street, which was then evacuated shortly before 3pm, by about a dozen police officers, when everyone was asked to move on down to Portugal Street. Kingsway was complete^ blocked and traffic was at a stand-still for several hours. No cars were allowed into the road, which stood totally empty apart from the police cars and a few buses. After having evacuated the Old Building, the porters blocked all the bridges from other buildings.The doors of the St. Clements building facing Houghton Street were locked and students walking out of the East Building were asked to leave the area quickly. According to the police, a coded warning had been given concerning a bomb in St. Catherine's House, a building adjacent to the Nat-West Bank. Another warning had been given for a bomb at the Law Courts which are located about five hundred metres from the LSE. The inclusion of a code word in the warning, confirmed that it was an IRA threat which the police "took seriously". The caller had specified that the bombs would go off at 3.15pm, but police waited before several sniffer dogs were brought in, in specially designed police cars. The sniffer teams searched St. Catherine's House but it was said that no bombs had been found. "It seems to be part of a big IRA-blufT was the comment by one police officer. Throughout the alarm, most students waited in Portugal Street. The amused interest shown towards the whole incident was reflected by the comment by Rosalyn Higgins, lecturer in the Law Department; on seeing the sniffer dogs she said "they look happy, don't they". After the 'all-clear' had been given, life at the LSE went on as usual. It has since been pointed out that some basic 'mistakes' could be avoided in the future to reduce potential risks. One of the mistakes mentioned by experts was that many people looked out of closed windows to watch what was happening. This increases the potential risk of injury as the glass might be shattered by a bomb blast. The incident was not mentioned in the press. 3 XT Last Tuesday, students were evacuated £rom some of the LSE's buildings after the police received a phone call that a bomb in St. Catherine's House would explode at 3.15 pm. People in the Old Building were sent into Houghton Street and then Portugal Street. Although the police brought in sniffer dogs, no bomb was found, and the buildings were reopened at about 5 pm. Photos: Thorsten Moos Date rape increasing By Hans Gutbrod Following rumours alleging an incident of a rape following a disco in one of the LSE halls of residence, evidence has emerged that this was not an isolated incident. According to different reliable sources several incidents of the kind have taken place involving LSE students over the last few months. The occurrences of "date rape", a term which is controversial because it implies that there had been some form of commitment by both persons in the first place, have up to now always gone unreported for several reasons. Victims fear the stigma that still is attached to being a rape-victim. Another fear is that of undergoing the ordeal of being a witness in legal proceedings against the attacker. Most of the incidents that have emerged involve the pattern that has been reported by a series of articles in the Independent at the end of last year; victim and rapist usually know each other before the incident so the attack then comes as a heavy shock to the victim as the attacker normally has shown respect for the woman's integrity before. Across the student body many feel that there is a need to report on those incidents as it has to be made clear to everyone that such incidents can happen anywhere. It has been said that "female students have to understand that the principle of 'It won't happen to me' just does not apply". Reactions to the reports have suggested that very little can be done externally to prevent such at- tacks from happening. An academic warden in one of the halls of residence said that as it was "impossible to keep the guests out of residents' rooms" it was very hard to prevent the rapes. Social and Services Secretary. Fiona MacDonald has suggested that the policy of bar-sub-sidies at Discos should be brought under scrutiny. It is felt by many that the bar subsidy encourages students to get drunk early as long it is cheap to drink. "It seems unnecessary to me to subsidise excessive drinking habits" was one of the comments by a mature student. When contacted concerning the incidents, doctors at the health service said that "at the risk of sounding prudish" they had to warn students to be "very careful" both with alcohol and with sex. They feel that the warning has special imp>ortance due to the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Dr. Fender pointed out that this did not only mean HIV, but also other diseases, which can lead to infertility. She insisted that such incidents of date rape 'wouldn't happen without alcohol". Another point which was specifically stressed was that students should on all accounts come to the health service if any incidents occurred. Any reports would be treated with the utmost confidentiality and every effort would be undertaken to help the victim. Several proposals are being considered to raise the level of awareness. Nevertheless, MacDonald insists that in the end it was "up to every individual male and female student to make sure that such incidents do not occur". Party poster causes 'offence' By Beaver Staff In a letter to the Vice-Chancellor of the University of London, the General Secretary of LSE Students'Union, Michiel van Hulten, has expressed his "serious concern" over a poster advertising a Connaugh t Hall party. TTie poster described the party, held on the 28th of February, as a "stomach pump party" and carried slogans such as "party till you puke!". Van Hulten suggested that the advertising at LSE was "particularly offensive" since it coincided with Alcohol Awareness Week, and felt that there was a danger of the party itself turning into a "health risk to students". The LSE Director, Dr John Ash-worth, and ULU President, Aye Aye Win, supported Van Hulten in the endorsement of his letter. In response the Vice-Chancellor, Mr Sutherland "sympathised" with Van Hulten's concern and has passed the complaint to the Warden of Connaught Hall for "comment and consideration when organising future events." The Sabbaticals and candidates have their say, in 9{ezus pages 2-4 Joe Lavin's day of tourism is disrupted by a bomb scare, in Campus page 5 Third World inhumanity continues, in Peru and Burma, in features pages 8-9 If you've ever wanted to know how bands are named, it's here, in Music page 11 "A relatively straightforward bit of porn, oops, sony, art" is reviewed, in J^rts page 14 The 'Beaver, 9tfi 94arch, 1992 General Secretary candidates: Fazile Zahir, Antonia Mochan, Kenneth Fisher, Razia Shariff and Louise Ashon. Photo; Steve East Candidates for Gen. Sec. Louise Ashon. Socialist Worker Student Society Students are now living £500 below the poverty line according to the Citizen's Advice Bureau. Over half the students in this college are already in debt. But what has our union executive done to combat this poverty? It's spent all its time in backroom "negotiations" with the management which have delivered noth- ing but insults to students. The way to win real gains was shown in the mass action of students in occupations, rent strikes and canteen boycotts around the country. These won concessions in the colleges and raised the issue nationally. We should have been part of this fightback. Many students are very angry about the conditions they have to live and work in. But at the moment this anger isn't being chan- Kenneth Fisher, International Mine's a Pint Committee Let's face it, less than half the students at the LSE vote in elections, the winner of any fxjsition usually gets less than half of those who vote. Therefore anyone elected has less than a quarter of the vote. This is not a mandate by any stretch of the imagination. I have no specific policies except that a university is, or should be, for students. Ashworth thinks otherwise and 1 think we should tell him where to get off My only mandate will be from the Union. The RCP have claimed that I am looking backwards. Bollocks, 1 want to let people know what we can do, to give them the bottle to do it. The apathy at the LSE in recent years has been caused by inef- Antonia Mochan, Democratic Socialist Group The LSE is a great place to be a student. We have an outstanding mix of cultures, nationalities and per-sonalities. This Union needs someone who can bring together all aspects of the Union. I have been involved in the multicultural (Mauritian Soc), athletic (AU Rep), political (DSG, Women's Oflicer) and social sides of the Union. Furthermore I have experi- ence within the Students' Union. I am on the Executive, the Administration, the StaflingCommittee and the four School committees, including the Court of Governors. This year has seen great changes within the LSE^U. Not only has the new constitution redefined the workofthe sabbaticals, but the student body has shifted its emphasis. The sabbaticals need to be people who are in touch with what the students Razia Shariff, The Umbrellas Group 1, Razia Shariff and the Umbrellas Group believe that the only way to truly open up the Union is by electing committed representatives from diverse cultural groups. As a key representative my ethnic^ly divided heritage has given me the challenge of asserting myself as an individual in my own right, rather than just being "one of the crowd". Having spent a year in Strasbourg on the Erasmus programme I discovered the weakness of the Union: It just didn't truly represent the student bcxly and focused on the interests of students. The outdated attitude of the LSE academic body (the way exchange programmes are handled and the examination and teaching system is designed) have convinced me that an assessment is due. I will change this. A requirement for the job Fazile Zahir, Independent Michiel promised "imagination (and) creativity", instead he proved a formidable bureaucrat but hardly an inspiring leader. As General Secretary I will also be pragmatic, mature and hardworking, but I shall couple these qualities with ideas, concern and integrity. As an indep)endent I represent those students who aren't affiliated and who feel the union does not represent their views. I'm not a hack but I believe in student rights. We need larger grants, more welfare, reductions on our travel costs and better facilities at school. Our policy must be one of co-operation and constructive campaigning. I want Task Force to become a permanent Student Povert Committee, I want a Campaigns Co-or-dination Group and a new student review body to make the executive accountable. I want a fresher's 'adoption' scheme, more postgraduate events and more multi-cultural events to encourage integration. I want to encourage more student participation and consultation through questionnaires, a sabbatical's 'office hour', a UGM stall at fresher's fair and personal contact with the student body. I want our union to be more accessible and more accountable. Choose a strong General Secretary. I have the ability and the ideas, let me put them into practice. Entertainments and Societies candidates nelled into effective action. It is directionless and this leads to demoralisation. Before coming to college I was a Trade Unionist for many years. 1 know that people look to their unions to organise them at grass roots level and to bring national unity in the fight for better conditions. In the end it is only this united action that brings about change. Vote for a fighting Union. Vote SWSS. ESO Candidates: Jonathan Bradbum, Stephen Daryl Prince, Michiel van Hulten and Neil Andrews. Photo; Steve East feet ive sabbaticals giving students the impression that committees are the only solution. I think the only committee which can be a solution is the International Mine's a Pint Committee. Let's set the agenda rather than accept Ashworth's. Let's return to the spirit of'68. Let's have some action, not words. It's our university and we CAN take it back! Neil Andrews, Independent There is a need for a re-juvination of student involvement at this college and it is likely that you'll be offered numerous Vote for me" promises by each candidate. But the term 'student apathy' needs defining, because it is misleading. An emotive term, it is often used to explain low attendences at dismal events. Fiona MacDonald's insulting post-script on Rag Week illustrates the way in which poorly co-ordinated and alienating events are passed off as victims of this 'apathy'. My priority as Ents Officer will be the promotion of well-researched events which are prepared with thought and efficiency. I hof)e to offer some of the top names around in comedy and music with at least one major feature each term, but I also believe that it is important to continue smaller, established events. Entertainments like drama and multi-cultural events will be maintained, while new concepts like Postgrad intro week and regular bar extensions in the Underground on Friday nights will be introduced. These events are crucial as they involve participation from all corners of the student body. This is the only way that LSE Entertainments can be re-animated - Create a precedent on March 12th. want. I am standing on a DSG-ticket because 1 believe in what It is trying to achieve. This year's sabbaticals have done a lot, in the public sphere and behind the scenes, but there is still much to be done. Student hardship is not going away. The Union services have great potential and need to be developed. My experience and my ideas show that I am capable of leading that development. Jon Bradbum, Umbrellas Group/Inde-pendent My vision as an entertainments and societies officer: After only one societies forum meeting we have already organized various events. The week of foreign comedy films and comedy live performances have once again convinced me that I do not understand the German sense of humor - but then who does? From a foreign comedy film festival it is a logical step to have a foreign "serious" film festival. No, Terminator 2 will not be shown during that festival. Exhausted from three films I go down to the Tuns and the Underground (at 1 a.m.!! since both have late extensions) because I am still Jon Bradburn who fancies a good drink. Next on my agenda is the karaoke night. Then there is the international beer festival. The soft toilet paper I now also use to -ah- blow my nose?! Unfortunately I have to part with my girlfriend who takes the minibus back to her hall of residence. I will see her though tomorrow at one of the gigs of the bands that now regularly play at the LSE. Ups - its just a vision. Do you believe in dreams? I do and I want to see it happen at the LSE. of the General Secretary is to work with a team; with the executive. Yet, at the same time the General Secretary must stay impartial, be objective, be able to administer and above all stay cool, calm and collected. From my experiences as president of Amnesty International, chair of the UGM and vice-president of the Bengali National Student Network I feel and believe that I fit the above criteria. Stephen Daryl Prince, What's Left? Put some character back into the Student Union. Bouncy castles! Why have there not been any bouncy castles at any of the parties of the LSE? I promise a bouncy castle! Wien was the last time that a wet or a Tory showed anybody a good time? Vote "What's Left?" ! For 10,000 "What's Left?" ideas. Vote "What's Left?" against racism, against sexism, against homophobia. Vote "What's Left?" for student rights. Gigs from all cultures for all cultures. Let's have a good time. Comedy nights. Bar extensions when we want them, until we want them. Extensions until midnight? Why not until 3am? Bouncy castles! Films, films and more films. What do you want to see. From all cultures for all cultures. Vote "What's Left?" for funky times, fun and freedom. The LSE has to compete with the centre of London for entertainments. If people want a Rag Ball then fair enough. What about a Rag Rave? Party city until 6am. Freak deal^ funky freedom. Vote "What's Left?" supported by the Left Society. I've just got two words to finish on... Bouncy castles! Michiel van Hulten, Boring but Competent Some students think that I am a joke candidate. And I am, which proves that there are students at LSE with an IQ higher than the average Entertainments and Societies Officer candidate. Being Ents and Societies sabbatical is about more than just liking music and putting on bands; it involves membership of the Union" Administration and Stalling Committee (em- ployer of 23 full-time staff), the Executive (respKjnsible for implementation of Union policy) and the Finance and Services Committee (which alocates Society budgets and runs the Union's services). This year, the Democratic Socialist Group sabbaticals and Fiona MacDonald (as Indejjendent Ents sabbatical) have brought the Union back from the brink with boring but competent policies. If that is something you would like to see continued, don't judge candidates by their prom- ises, but by their actions. The DSG and Fiona have worked together to open the new Underground Bar. We are setting up a permanent minibus service for safe transport. We have continued to support societies which promote equality of opportunity. And we have created the new p>osition of Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer. All this, with the encouragment and financial support of the School. Vote for more boredom and competence on Thursday. The 'Beaver, 9tf. f\farcft, 1992 3 Candidates for Finance and Services Officer Larry Bradshaw, Socialist Worker Student Society The Tories are attempting to turn back the clock on eduaction. They would like a return to the era when education was a comp)eti-tive rat race in which only a select few were given the opportunity of a decent education. As a Socialist I have the opposite view, I see education as a liberating an ennobling right that should be available for all. The right to an education is something that had to be fought for in the past and its something that we'll have to fight to maintain and improve. This Union has continu- ally accomodated itself to the cuts and commercialization of education. Any Finance and Services Officer can devise a budget for the Union which essentially manages the Tories lack of funding for education. All this does is turn the Union into a charity, having to devote more and more of its resources to welfare spending in order to make up for what the government is not providing. As a self-financing overseas student 1 am particularly concerned with LSE's decision to raise the already exorbinate overseas tuiton. Vote "NO" to any fee increases for Home or Overseas Students. Vote for a Fighting Union. Vote for the SWSS. Graham Bumby-Crouch, Labour Club While it cannot be denied that the present sabbaticals have done a good sabbatical job, something very important is missing. The DSG with their dominance of the executive have failed to provide any focus for the Union and instead have become a bureaucracy. 1 believe I have the ideas to provide a strong basis for the future of the Union that is essentlial. We will campaign for the principle of free eduaction for all, which has been dangerously undermined over the past decade with the poll tax, student loans. loss of benefit and falling of grant levels. Labour Club is alive, committed to opposing the rising threat of "top-up-fees" and any suggestion that LSE should become a graduate school only. It's clear that if effective opposition is what is happening in education then as many students as ]X)s-sible should be drawn into campaigns. This has not effectively happened this year at LSE, and Labour Club are committed to opposing student apathy. Labour says the Union needs a direction not a bureaucracy. Candidates for FSO: Graham Burnby-Crouch, Ian Prince, Jon Spurling, James Larry Bradshaw. James Pearson, The Umbrellas Group Money, money and money again. That is the theme usually associated with the post of the finance and services officer. Of course, the main Job of the officer is to present the annual budget but I see many more fields on which the finance officer must concentrate. Existing services must be expanded because their margins cover the shortfall in the block grant and thus have a considerable affect on welfare spending. Profits from the shop, the cafe and the increasingly successful print room are vital for the working of the Union. I will realize the entire potential of the services. Societies and entertainment events need external finance. Societies spending is approximately £20,000. This is only 6% of the block grant thus not reflecting the high student participation in societies. Increased funds through sponsorships will enable the Union to continue to support equal oppx)rtuni-ties, racial, aids awareness and sexual equality campaigns. By working together with the equal opportunities officer 1, James Pearson, can ensure that the money goes where it is needed most: to you, the LSE student. Teamwork, such as demonstrated by the Umbrellas Group, means financial flexibility thus benefitting all students. Ian Prince, Conservative 1 am standing for the post of Finance Officer because I believe that I am best suited to the role. For the past year I have been on the Finance Committee, and seen how it works, and on the Executive, and seen how it doesn't work. I have also been on the Court of Governors and the Buildings Committee. The Conservatives are calling for choice. Choice in voluntary membership of the NUS; choice in drinking with longer opening hours for the Three Tuns; and finally choiche in studying, with more books in the course. The Union should be Pearson, Ron Voce and Photo: Steve East putting pressure on the school for improvements in administration, particularly registration and timetables. We want more student say in Academic Affairs and we will support any move to County Hall. As Finance Officer 1 wish to cut sabbatical pay by £3000. Most importantly money should be allocated according to societies and services depending on student membership and usage not because it is this week's politically correct cause. I promise to look after YOUR money carefully and to allocate it fairly. A vote for me is a vote for choice. Vote Conservative on Thursday Jon Spurling, Independent I feel that I am best for the job, because not only am I experienced as a Junior Treasurer during which I have formed clear ideas of what the Union must do for students but also not being tied to party or alliance allows me to represent all the students. 1 will be accountable only to students, my only goal is improving student welfare. Details of service and welfare issues can be seen as uninteresting. However, they are vital and as such I shall actively campaign on these issues. The shop at present is hampered by lack of space but still contributes £11,987 to the Union. With some action it will do better. A more Integrated use of the Cafe can make it an even better service, better use can be made of the Underground as well. We can Eilso generate outside income through the use of advertising and sponsorship. With prices kept low and services expanded the Union will have more money to spend on the most important service. Welfare. In conjuction with new sabbaticals I hope to increase campaigns and make a real difference. At this time of change I will be a strong voice for student interests. Ron Voce, Independent (P.F.E.) I am 27, a 2nd year student.I have been involved with SU politics including NUS London, NUS National. General Purposes Committee and Vice Chairperson of the UGM. I have a job background in management tiiat could prove useful as FSO. The S.U. is a major provider of service to students. These are more beneficial to Students than politics althoughs campaigns are still necessary, ^rvices need space. The cost of space in St Phillips is prohibitive and moving to County hall looks a long way off So I will be talking with the Adminstration about expansion, but as cheaply as posible. This is because I do not wish to take away funds from the welfare budget. Most of the block grant is fixed and what is left has to be well targeted. I will ensure that the hardship fund has a minimum of a 25 % increase. Last years money was all taken up and next year looks worse. Independent, means I do not have to follow a dogma. I can make descision that will benefit all students here. It also means I Ccin work with anyone. I will do the job openly with drive and enthusiasm. Finance is the key to all things. That is why I would appreciate the chance to do the job. Equal Opportunities and Welfare E/Opps Candidates: Peter Harris and Daniel Godfrey. Photo: Steve East Daniel Godfrey, What's Left? I'm in the first year at LSE and one thing's obvious - the things which concern students are not necessarily the things which get discussed at Student Union Meetings. Immigration remains top of the agenda in many ways -which is great. But when you speaktoblackstudents at LSE the whole debate begins to sound academic. Piacism here can be felt in a more direct way. Ifl want to read racist literature, I just pick up a library book. This makes the grafllti on the toilet walls superfluous - is there no escape around here ? Welfare begins and ends with people. I've worked with prisoners in Hackney and schoolchildren in Africa. The first thingyou leam is, you can't tell people what welfare means to to them. You have to ask. Hopefully an Equal Opportunities and Welfare Sabbatical Officer can make the bridges between real f)eople, real students and the chimps tea-party called UGM. Vote for me - the work is bloody hard but rewarding and I'd enjoy it. But more importantly, whoever is elected should have the support of the Students' Union. Let's raise the whole profile of Ek}ual Ops because we have a lot to gain. Peter Harris, Democratic Socialist Group I am a member of the DSG because 1 refuse to sit on my politically correct backside. 1 want to put our principles into effective practice. The DSG are students who have demonstrated real commitment to our union, working hard, gaining experience and addressing your agenda. There are four comer-stones to this job: First, the equal opportunity policy that makes the union a wise and fair employer. ^cond, our support of student opportunity, e.g. if they experience hardship, disability, pregnancy or prejudice. TTiird, our accommoda- tion service which is so vital to student life-quality and financial circumstance. Fourth, effective campaigns that work for the kind of wider world we would like to see, free of racism, full of opportunity. We must continue to promote welfare over the cosmetic public-relations measures the School seems to prefer. Growth in student nu-mers must be met with resources and must be a balanced expansion involv-ing postgraduate and undergraduate, home and overseas students. I am currently Union Welfare Officer. I have the experience, commitment and common sense to not only succeed in this new job for a year but also to define its future priorities. Tfie. 'Beaver, 9th O^arck, 1992 What it takes to be a... General Secretary Being General Secretary at LSE still has a mythical quality about it. The job conjures up memories of 1968-and-^l-that, and of course it looks nice on your CV. But the perception of the General Secretary's Job as primarily a campaigning role is a mistaken one. According to the new constitution, the General Secretary is responsible for "the overall coordination of Union activites, liasonwith the School administration, student representation on school committess, academic affairs, external affairs, contacts with the media, staffing matters, campaigns and publicity." How much time the new General Secretary will spend on each of these will first and foremost dejjend on the composition of the Executive Committee. I benefitted from working as a team with my fellow sabbaticals and with the rest of the Exec. Thus staffing matters, which last year could take up as much as half the Gen See's time. was reduced to somewhere around one tenth this year. The Union has only just begun to emerge from a chaotic five years, which were marked by internal conflict. If the new executive manage to work together, there can be scope next year for more campaign work, better representation om school com- mittees, and better publicity. It is inevitable, however, that most of. a General Secretary's ^ime is spent on routine and committee work. Committees and meetings take an average of 15 hours per week, and the whole of Thursday morning is taken up by pref)eration for the Union Finance and Services Officer The position of Finance and Services Officer is probably the most important in the Union. This is because the position leads to involvement in all the Unions facilities and events. The Job primarily involves the allocation of budgets to all Union activities - from welfare through to campaigns. It also over- sees the finances of all societies, the overall running of the Services, and deals with staffing matters through involvement on the Administrative Sub Committee. The Job also involves negotiating with the School (asking for more money), dealing with the banks (asking for more money) and the organisa- tion of Freshers Fair. But most importantly of all, you are there as a student representative, ensuring that student interests are protected on subjects as diverse as scholarship schemes through to catering standards. It is difficult to say what makes a good Finance and Services Officer. Undoubt- General Meeting. Finally, being General Secretary requires having a thick skin. The winner will be open to abuse - no matter how good or bad the work they are doing. Gratification, if any, will come from accomplishments, not from people giving you credit. Michiel van Hulten edly it is a Job in which it is difflcult to be accessible to students, and an open and pragmatic approach is required. At certain times of the year (ie Freshers Fair, Budget week etc) long hours and weekend work are required, and there are periods where the Job can be stressful and physically demanding. The hardest part of the Job, however, is being able to say no to the constant demands for expenditure that are received. A clear sense of direction is needed in order to prioritise these demands. Also, the Finance and Services Officer needs to be tactful, or else a lot of resentment can build up. Finally, it should be remembered that the Finance and Services Officer is part of a sabbatical team. Whoever you vote for on Thursday, remember that the sabbaticals have to work with one another for a year, and more will be achieved if they work together well. Toby Johnson Entertainments and Societies Officer Running for Sabbatical last February, I had grandiose plans. Like most candidates, I had hard criticisms of my predecessor; their lack of commitment to the diversity of students; no new ideas: ents focused around the Tuns; general laziness. I would change the world of I^E with my spirit. It took five months to get to grips with the workload and hand in my resignation. This Job requires the most dedication of all of the Sabbatical posts. It's time consuming (even with contractual hours from 10am-5; 30pm) and demoralising. There are quite a few students who consider entertainment to be Just a sweaty, beer laden snog. With the post of Social Secretary having overall responsibility for societies next year there is a real opportunity to reach a lot of students through their immediate social groups. Societies provide the diversity of activity at the LSE. A Societies Forum is in the cards next year to set an overall agenda for social activities and ensuring the pursuit of equal opportu- nities within the services (i.e. making the Tuns, Underground and Cafe more attractive for ethnic, racial, sexual groups). The Ents Officer is often seen as number 3 within the sabbatical structure, when in fact their contact with the general student body, rather than with hacks, makes them a valuable asset to the function- ing of the services, running of campaigns, and the allocation of budgets. The School also needs to be constantly reminded that students want to have a "good time" at the LSE. This means allowing us to have late night or even all night extensions within our premises. The Ents Officer is responsible for a budget of over £9,000. With this money, you then have the autonomy to create entertainments as you see fit. The Joy of this Job is surely in the good time had by the students you represent. Good Luck to all of the candidates. Fiona MacDonald So you'll know who else is running... Executive Officers Women's Officer (1) Nor'Ashikin Omar Ingeborg Bleken Jamsheda Ahmad Tesher Fitzpatrick The Umbrellas Group Conservative Democratic Socialist Group Independent Feminist Overseas Students Officer (1) Louise Grogan Democratic Socialist Group Sara Collins The Umbrellas Group Filippo Osella What's Left? Eric Steeves Conservative Postgraduate and Mature Students Officer (1) Caroline Osella What's Left? Chaudhuri Reza Zulfigar Mahmud The Umbrellas Group Vini Ghatate Democratic Socialist Group Six Members elected Thomas Aubrey Dave Jones T.P. Vosa William Derbyshire David Mason James Brown Gavin Blackburn Phoebe Ashworth Martin Lewis Dominique De-Light Quinn Morgan on a slate Independent/Campaigning for a Free Higher Education Independent Anti-Racist Liberal Democrats Labour Club Independent (Anti-Racist) The Umbrellas Group Democratic Socialist Group Conservative Democratic Socialist Group What's Left? The Umbrellas Group Mark Denny (Frank), an Independent candidate, is running for Entertainments and Societies Officer. The Beaver regrets that his candidacy was not announced earlier, and that his platform could not be included on page 2. Constitution and Steering Committee National Union of Students Seven Members (who can't hold other Union offices) Ralf-Yves Zurbrugg Liberal Democrats Jonathan G. Fenton-Flscher Oijan Helland Democratic Socialist Group Timothy Lewis Pedro Miguel E.M. Fernandes Democratic Socialist Group Syed Afsor Hassan Udin Emma Bearcroft Jonathan Teacher Shokat Akbar David Rein Geoff Robertson Democratic Socialist Group Finance and Services Committee Three Members Patrick Fietje Adrian May Ian Pleace Hassan Ali Imam Alexia Vasssiliou Andy Baly Mark M. Phillips Democratic Socialist Group The Umbrellas Group Liberal Democrats The Umbrellas Group The Umbrellas Group What's Left? Conservative Entertainments Committee Three Members (elected) Robin Jouglah What's Left? Christine Fritsch The Umbrellas Group Dowshan Hunzah The Umbrellas Group Returning Officer (1) Bernardo Duggan Indejjendent Steve John The Umbrellas Group Chris Short Independent David McAlonan Conservative Spring Conference Five Delegates, three observers Mubin Haq Socieilist Worker Student Soc Bob Gross Democratic Socialist Group Mandy Turner Libertarian Socialist Ron Voce (Ves, What a Surprise, I'm) Independent Fazlle Zahir Independent Erik Mlelke Conservative Robin Chhaabra (Independent) Jonathan Solomon Red Hair Appreciation Fiona MacDonald Indep>endent Razia Shariff The Umbrellas Group John S. Hobson Labour Club Dave Rich Vote For Me (Please) Suke Wolton Revolutionary Communist Party Michiel van Hulten Democratic Socialist Group David Mason Independent (Anti-Racist) Robin Jouglah What's Left? Thomas Aubrey Independent/Campaigning for Free Higher Education Ian Pleace Liberal Democrats Neil Andrews « Bobby Charlton's Busfare Home Alison Slaven Liberal Democrats James Pearson The Umbrellas Group Raymond Anthony Yates What's I^ft: "Look Left" Toby Johnson Democratic Socialist Group National Union of Students Women's Conference One Delegate, three observers Fiona MacDonald Independent Razia SharifT The Umbrellas Group Louise Grogan Democratic Socialist Group Jamsheda Ahmad Democratic Socialist Group Ifie 'Beaver, 9tf. fMarcH, 1992 cyiMPUS 5 Busy Beaver Who rodgered the rabbit ?? Personally, I don't think that it was the IRA who tried to blow up the LSE last Tuesday. Exams are drawing closer, tutors are desperately chasing their tutees who they have not seen since last October, all your essays are due in yesterday...let's face it, it had to have been a distraught student trying to get out of a meeting with his/her tutor. You had an appointment to see your tutor, you had to bring the three essays he has been asking for since the beginning of term, you were going to do them the night before but you got pissed, so you phoned in a bomb threat and hey presto all your troubles disappear for another week. Go on, admit it, it was you. Of course, the police may not see things from your point of view. But just in case you are thinking of bringing Hol-bom to a standstill again, 1 have an appointment with my tutor next Wednesday afternoon... Fancy making some easy cash?Agroup of lads down at Passfleld have hit on a money making scheme. They get paid £17 a time to make a donation at a bank, a sperm bank that is. BB isn't going to name any names but he wouldn't be surprised if one baby bom in the near future ends up talking with an Irish accent and a great desire to study l.R. One of the gentlemen involved was heard to comment that it was the first time that a certain part of his anatomy had made him money rather than cost him it. At Grey Haired of Balham's party last week, McMuffln surprised both male and female guests by asking them to give her a love bite. The Social Secretary wanted to make her boyfriend, JP, jealous. The Mad Queen Beaver steadfastly refused (she has prin- ciples you know, she wouldn't do something like that in public). Chancellor Tubby had a go but he just couldn't sink his teeth into it. Luckily, the American Beaver saved the day and chewed merrily away at McMuffm'sneck. Somehow I do not think that JP will be all that jealous. The competition question for this week is what exactly has been going on in the East Building elevator? The other day a condom was found in the lift and a day later a can of grease (of>ened) was spotted on the floor. Two days after that a bag of flour and a snorkel were caught travelling be- tween the first and the third floor. These mysteriously disappeared and were replaced later that afternoon by a bag of cherries and a Mickey Mouse hat (complete with ears). Something fishy is definitely going down (...and up and down and upand...). If you have the answer (or the photos) send them in and maybe you could win a copy of all the back issues of the Beaver since 1967. At last we have found out where the Mad Queen Beaver hangs out in her spare time, a nightclub called 'Samantha's'. This is a genuine Essex girl club, we are talking white stilet- tos, handbags, bleached hair, the works. MQB was spotted by BB's spies on the dance floor sandwiched in between two guys (presumably Essex men). Now the truth is out. She might as well give up the pretence, get that bleach out, and buy a Capri. That's it for, this week. BB will return next time with more slander, lies and muck than you find in your average British tabloid. Come on, send your gossip in, we'll print it every time. See you soon, bombs permitting. B..B. John Major: Wax Dummy Joe Lavin on bombs, wax, and electrocuting Michael Jackson This Just in. Rock Circus bomb scare ruins London weekend. Thousands of Londoners planning to visit the world renowned Rock Circus were forced to change their plans as downtown London was closed off many, many days before the date at the top of this page. This just isn't fair." One eyewitness exclaimed. "I wanted to see Ringo, and the IRA had to screw it all up. It was one thing when they were shutting down the Tube but Rock Circus, that's serious." Yes, I was one of those thousands of people trying to see Rock Circus, as was a friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous. There are a couple of reasons for this. Obviously, she really doesn't want it to be known that she tried to go to Rock Circus, and also she likes "the power" of remaining anonymous. Because of this, she will be referred to only as "a friend of mine" as part of my ongoing quest to prove to readers that I do actually have friends. In our defence, I must say that this Rock Circus thing wasn't serious. We were not going there to enjoy the thrills and delights of Rock Circus. We were going there to laugh and make as much fun as possible of Rock Circus. It was to be a day of tacky tourist spots, and Rock Circus seemed to be the ultimate in tacky tourist spots. Unfortunately, thanks to bomb threats, it soon became a day of little public transportation, lots of walking, and no Rock Circus. A friend of mine was greatly disappointed. But after an hour and a half of trying to go to Rock Circus, we were not about to give up on our quest. We were going to find something tacky and touristy even if we had to starve-trying. Luckily, around Oxford Circus, we found a Pizza Land that seemed tacky and touristy enough. As a friend of mine pointed out, the name implied that the restaurant was an American style pizza theme park with all sorts of pizza related rides and characters such as Peter Pizza and the Hot Oven ride. Unfortunately, they only had pizza, so our quest was not over. Finally, after a long walk to Regent's Park, we found a suitable replaieement for Rock Circus — Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. The building itself was quite impressive. One would never guess that the entire building is made of wax. The admission of six pounds was also impressive, although not in the fun and cheap way we would have preferred. Being in a happy joking mood, I wanted to pay in wax money, but a friend of mine didn't think they would appreciate the humour. The highlight of the whole museum was at the beginning where there was a model of Andrew Sachs nodded a lot when I began spouting on about Manuel. I guess she liked Kojak better. Anyway, after Manuel, all sorts of wax models popped Patil Hogan is immortalised inwax at Madame Tussaud's.but this is just a regular photo of him. better known as Manuel from "Fawlty Towers." Granted, it didn't really look like Manuel, but L was excited. A friend of mine wasn't, mainly because she had never seen "Fawlty Towers," so shejustkindof up, from Mr. T and Michael Jackson (They hadn't quite kept up with his latest adjustments.) to John Major and Ronald Reagan. I must say that while from a distance the models looked kind of artificial, when you got up close to these models, well darn it, you just couldn't help but notice that you were just standing in front of a pile of wax. There were a few highlights, 1 guess. The Pope was pretty cool, and I have a picture of a friend of mine genuflecting to him. Gandhi was also interesting, although he did look a bit thin. And all the dead royalty looked amazingly embalmed. Downstairs, things got even more exciting, because that's where the Chamber of Whores is located, and boy what a show that was. Madame Tussaud sure didn't get her first name for nothing — Oh, excuse me, a friend of mine has just informed me that it was the Chamber of Horrors and not the Chamber ofWhores. Never mind. Actually, the Chamber of Horrors is definitely not be missed, because if you do Vinnie Tussaud, Madame's great grandson, will track you down and try out their new guillotine on you. But all kidding aside, the Chamber of Horrors is a fun filled, educational section for the whole family, where young ones can learn what happened when serial killers were caught in the thirties. (They were shot by firing squad, as the museum shows in an exciting display in which a wax model of an evil p>erson slumps down at a key moment.) The Madame is also quite keen on beheading, another fun and educational topic for the whole family, "Now, Billy, if you hit your sister one more time, what happened to Robespierre here will happen to you!" Personally, I think that during special times, they should move the wax models of all the famous celebrities like Michael Jackson, Cher, and Mr. T down to the Chamber of Horrors. "And now ladies and gentlemen, here's what would happen if Michael Jackson were electrocuted." Itwould be really exciting. A friend of mine concurs. And that was about it, except that a friend of mine wanted to put a wick on a couple of models and light a flame. She was convinced this would make an excellent candle. We were hoping that the gift shop would have some wicks on sale, but I guess they haven't expanded into the candle business yet. The only things they had were a bunch of tacky shirts, mugs, and px)stcards, all believe it or not made completely out of wax. So in conclusion, we definitely recommend Madame Tussaud's, although if you do go, you should probably try out the wax money trick. Of course, I'm sure it's not nearly as great as Rock Circus. You know, I've heard Rock Circus has a model of Ringo. 6 OTMIO. Ifie 'Beave.r, 9tf. March, 1992 'Beaver Even those amongst you who permanently have you heads in the clouds could not fail to notice the small inconvenience of bomb scares everywhere. However, the Inconvenience is not the real issue here. The Northern Ireland question is a problematic one. Yet, the solution is not to Inflict inj ury upon the lives of those who have nothing to do with the issue. Norwill inflicting injury or death on those who are involved achieve anything. Violence and terrorism makes people angry and determined not to give in tho those who are wrecking their stability. The people of Northern Ireland have been putting up with bomb scares and violent outbursts and explosions for years. We, on the other side of the Irish Sea, have breathed sighs of boredom when there has been news of yet another person injured or killed in a sectarian attack in Northern Ireland. Now, it is happening to us and it has suddenly become different. Problems take on a completely different manner when they are loser to home. Whether we fully understand the issues behind the spate of London bombs is largely irrelevant. There is obviously a large campaign continuing in earnest on the mainland. How long it will continue for, no-one knows. However, instead of moaning about the inconvenience that the many bomb scares cause us every day - on the tubes and the trams etc - we should Instead turn round and be thankful each time that people escape tnjuiy or death. Or course the many bomb threats are an inconvenience. No one can deny that. However, the odds being played here are far more serious than missing the right Tube home to be able to see the News. Let us hope that, one day, the politicians from both sides of the debate will be able to come to some sort of compromise and put an end to all the violence - here and in Northern Ireland. Executive Editor Managing Editor News Editors Campus Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Music Editor Sports Editors Photographic Editor Financial Director Production Assistant Madeline Gwyon Monica C. Neal Emma Bearcroft Hans Gutbrod Jerome Harris Paul Bou Habib Navln Reddy Neil Andrews Andrew Graveson Ian Staples Steve East T. James Brown P. Andrew Nugent Staff: GeorgeBinette,Nigel Boyce,Simon Bradberry, Paul Cann, Thomas Cohrs, Andrew Cox, Sarah Eglin, Frank Eich, Patrick Eyre, John Fenton-Fischer, Nick Fletcher, Gavin Gilham, Leo Griffin, Peter Harrad, Daniel Harris, Justin Harper, Becky Hartnup, Rob Hick, Eduardo Jauregui, Thomas Jepsen, Sahr Johnny, Toby Johnson, Scott Kelly, Joe Lavln, Martin Lewis, Fiona MacDonald, Stavros Makris, PemUla Malmfalt, Adrian May, Brett Melzer, Thorsten Moos, Paul Nugent, Sarah Owen, AndrewPettltt, Rodrigo Pizarro, David Price, Ian Prince, ZaifarRashid, Geoff Robertson, Laurence Pfyan, Adam C. F^der, Bella Sleeman, Julian Sykes, Steve Thomas, Slnlsa Vacic, Mlchiel van Hulten, Ron Voce, Stuart Wilkes, Faz Zahlr. Printed by Eastway Offset, 3-13 Hepscott Road, London, E9 There will be an election for the position of Co-Arts Editor at Monday's collective meeting. All welcome to attend. The meeting is at 6pm on the Top Floor of the Cafe. What is STV? Simon Reid gives us an insight into the way we vote and how it works. The Single Transferable Vote (STV^ may at first glance seem to be a horren-dously complex system which nobody could possibly understand. However, this is far from the truth and in fact, unlike it states in the Students Union Handbook, you don't need a degree in honourary bullshit to understand it. The essence of STV is that your vote will count as a full vote no matter what. This holds true even if (as happens in some elections) it is split into fractions of your original vote. The only exception to this os when every single candidate you have voted for has been eliminated (even then, your vote is counted as nontransferable) The principle is best illustrated by an example: If we take an election Post Haste Letters due to El97, by hand or internal mail, by 4pm Wednesday Passfield wants to better itself Dear Beaver. Referring to the article about Passfield Hall published in the last Beaver issue, I would like to clarify the pKjsition of the Passfield Hall Committee. The objects of the committee are to promote the welfare and the interests of the students residents of Passfield Hall. Moving along this axis, we tried to improve certain things in our ha;;. A few of them have been done but many others are still pending, mainly because they have to approved by the Administration (both in Passfleld and the LSE). Below, I mention some of the most urgent ones: 1) Repairs of the electric circuit, painting and covering with tiles of the walls of bathrooms 2) New washing machines and a dryer. 3) General cleaning of the hall and removal of piles of unwanted materials (old kitchen and other equipment) resting in the yard. 4) Replacement of old matresses, pillows and blankets. 5) Modemiosation of the archaic telephone system of the Hall. 6) A locker for keeping the various equipment of the Hall society (video, games, committee ar- where only one post is available eg the forthcoming vote for General Secretary. Suppose that the ballot paper looks like the example below and that you have made the following choices: Candidates Preference A - / B - 2 C - 1 D - 3 One candidate is eliminated at each stage of the count. Suppose that in the election as a whole, C has come last on the first count. He/ she would then be eliminated and their votes redistributed. In the above example, B was given second preference. This ballot paper would then be redistributed (known as transferring) to B. That is, B would get one extra vote as a result. If B were then eliminated, the extra vote would go to D. This process stops when no more preferences have been expressed. Clearly A has not been given a preference and will therefore not receive any credit from this voter. This process of elimination continues until only one candidate is left who is then declared the winner. . Therefore, you as the voter, need to consider the likely outcome of an election before you vote. If you vote for a candidate that comes last and is therefore eliminated, your second preference will then receive your vote. That means that you will end up voting for someone you didn't originally vote for. However, this is countered by the fact that you are helping to ensure the candidates you want least are not elected. It is worth noting that, in a tumout of over 1200 voters, this year's Senior Treasurer won by only nine votes from his nearest rival. It needs to be said that this is a very simplified explanation of how STV works. The main point to note is that, as the name Single Transferable Vote suggests, your single vote will always count for something even if it is transferred between various candidates. For a more detailed explanation, you will need to read the "Electoral Reform Society's" handbook which will provide you with a, comprehensive insight. However, it is nearly 50 pages long, so be warned! chives etc). We realise that Passfield Hall operates on a limited budget. However, this must not be used as an excuse to raise fees at Passfdield in order to meet the demands mentioned above. We would like to see a plan in capital investment at Passfield Hall to be generated (based on LSE funds) and implemented as soon as possible. After all, considerthatPass-field Hall is the oldest LSE Hall of residence. It is time for renovations. We very much hope that the LSe administration, who seriously considered and solved various student issues in the past, will put into effect the above improvements. It must be stressed that at no time the Hall Committee has held the view that "the LSE does not care about its students", as claimed in the article last week. On behalf of the Passfield Hall Committee Vassilou Diomedes Palestine continues oppression Dear Beaver. Rejecting the charge that the state of Israel accommodates anti-semitism. Dave Rich invites that: "all groups have a right to define themselves and the terms of their own oppression." If that were so oppression would not mean anything but feeling hard done by. Doubtless the South African conservatives think they are oppressed by blacks; National Front supporters think that they are oppressed by Bangladeshis. I hope this does not mean that the NUS or Dave Wch will agree with 'Rights for Whites'. The oppression of the Palestinian people, however, is more than a feeling. Palestinians are denied their rights by the state of Israel. Far from being an expression of self-determination, Israel has served to frustrate the legitimate aspirations of the Arab people's since its inception. It does so, not on behalf of God, but on behalf on the Western p)ow-ers that have supported it since 1948. No Israeli government has ever countenanced national self determination for the Palestinian people -whatever Dave Rich thinks about it. Nor could an Israeli government grant such a right. Israel was established by the Western powers with the express purpose of preventing the Arab people from determining their future. Israel has done nothing to countenance anti-semitism, but worse than that it has been the vehicle for anti-Arab chauvinism in the Middle East, and the main barrier to democracy in the region. Suke Wolton Revolutionary Communist Party. Good guys v. bad guys Dear Beaver, Even though 1 completely disagree with it, I found Hans Gutbrod's comment on the feature article on Yugoslavia very amusing to read. Primarily, the idea that Croatians were oppressed in Yugoslavia is ridiculous. It has as much truth to it as the idea that Shire folk are oppressed in Britain. Gutbrod is really trying to rewrite history in order to ajsologise for taking sides with Croatian nationalism. His argument amounts to a variation on the already well rehearsed Western propaganda that Croatians are "nice guys" ousting "bad guys" (Serbians) from their centuries-old homeland. In fact, Croatian nationalism is the expression of the self-interest of a section of the old bureaucracy of Yugoslavia to gain a bigger share of the resources. Like the other nationalisms in the conflict, it is reactionary to the core and divisive for the people in the region. However, the most amusing thing is the way in which Gutbrod tries to portray the conflict as "class struggle", implying that the cause of Croatian nationalism is progressive. It is a novelty for conservatives to recognise the class structure of society, let alone appeal to the politics of the working class for preserving the status quo. It doesn't surprise me that he doesn't understand what "class struggle" means, but why is he afraid of supporting Croatian nationalism outright? It is probably a reflection of the crisis of Western identity and the fact that Western capitalism has nothing positive to say about itself That would probably explain why Gutbrod is silent about the way in which the conflict has been promoted and used by Western powers. But what can you expect from someone who thinks he's making a political point when he confuses two left-wing organisations with completely different politics. A true testimony of the decrepitude of right-wing ideas today: stand by your true colours. Sinisa Vacic Revolutionary Communist Students The. "Beaver, 9th fMarcfi, 1992 How aware are you of the homeless? Anita Roddick launches a campaign to press home the problem. Madeline Gwyon explains what you can do. Last Tuesday, an initiative was launched by Anita Roddick and the BodyShop to raise awareness of the homeless problem throughout the country. The Body Shop and Shelter have Joined forces to launch the "Key Issue" - a scheme running until the 4th April. Roddick, along with Sheila MacKecknie ofShelter gathered a group of Body Shop store managers together outside Westminster to launch the campaign. On giant keys, they had printed a simple message: "MP: You hold the key to ending homelessness." Customers are being asked to bring old keys into BodyShop stores throughout the country as a way of symbolising the 100,000 homes that Shelter see as vital every year for the next five years to avert the present housing crisis. After the campaign is over, these keys will be presented to the prospective parliamentary candidates in the constituency in which they were amassed in the run up to the next general elec- tion. When the campaign is over. The keys collected from all over the country will be used to build a massive sculpture. You may well take this opportunity to ask what good such a scheme is going to do when it is not actually achieving anything concrete. Well, of course it is symbolic and cannot itself solve the Immediate housing problem that many of the people in this countiy face. However,if sufficient public support is generated, such a campaign could become a vital election issue. Among those there at the launch were a number of people who sell the "Big Issue". The benefits that this paper has brought to them are substantial. It is the Body Shop that has made the production of the Big Issue possible through sponsorship and general funding. As well as initiatives in this field, it is now Body Shop policy that a prospective job applicant does not need to give an address in order to be suc- cessful in gaining employment with them so long as he or she is contactable. It is about time that other organisations jumped on the bandwaggon that Roddick has started rolling so well. She has shown that there need not be a catch 22 situation for those people who cannot find employment without an address, or cannot afford to find somewhere to live without a job. As students, we are all aware of poverty. This is a simple scheme that has been launched and it could be very effective if the right degree of public support is generated. Eveiy student here can play a role in helping the Government become aware of the extent of the problem and actually do something about it. If any of you have any old keys lying around then hand them in to. a Body Shop store and do your bit to help raise awareness of the acute housing problem in Britain today. And Now for the Real News... Tensions Over Iraq's Weapons Capacity Just when you thought it was safe to ignore the old jokes about Iraq and Skud missiles, it seems that there may not yet be an immediate end to the conflict there. Douglas Hurd has not ruled out the possibility of a military strike against Iraq as UN countries, most notably Britain and the United States, are attempting to curb the Iraqi nuclear, chemical, biological and ballistic weapons. Obviously peaceful negotiations are preferred at this stage, especially as Britain is so close to a general election and is reluctant to be involved in a "military action that might be short of success". The question that still hankers me is how Britain and America can be sure that they are aware of all the military capacity of a nation such as Iraq. If they are so sure, then how do they think they can peacefully persuade Iraq to simply give up most of its high power weapons. If they cannot do this, then would another conflict in the Gulf really be that sensible? George Bush could quite feasibly re-live the nightmare of Jimmy Carterwhen his attempts to resolve the hostage situation in Tehran convincingly failed. Bush is on a sticky enough wicket at the moment in the Presidential elections without a foreign policy embarrassment to add insult to injury. The American economy is facing just as many problems as the British economy and many people in both countries feel that an expensive foreign offensive could prove more than counterproductive. If one adds the consideration that the British military establishment is presently "most reluctant" to take the risk of aggression, then it seems that peace is the only answer. Let's hope peaceful negotiations work. Embargoes are likely to be a long and painful process for the Iraqis. However, anything is better than an unnecessary offensive that could prove both financially and morally expensive. BR are the European Bozos It is time to criticise British Rail again. Apparently, fifty percent of the platforms on Network South-East lines are unsafe. Not only that, but BR has the lowest rate of investment of any rail company in Europe. Can Britain not get anything right? We started the rail business in the first place but just like everything else that we seem to invent, we cannot follow it through to a successful conclusion. BR has even had to close some of the SouthEast stations because it cannot find the extra platform staff necessary to ensure the safety of passengers boarding the trains. You mat think this sounds silly, as even the great British public must be able to find the necessary common sense to open and close a train door. However, we are talking about those new trendy electronic ones here. The ones which make the extremely annojTing beeping noise when the doors close which continues for about five hours afterwards. It seems that, until BR can instaD the necessary TV monitoring equipment so that their drivers can have a better view from their cabs of the passengers, problems will continue to arise. It is now only Greece and Ireland that spend less on their rail network than we do, according to the 1991 figures calculated from Department of Transport figures. Even Spain and Portugal are coming up with more imaginative ways of increasing investment in their infrastructure. As forecasts predict that there will be an 80 percent increase in demand for cars over the next 25 years and it is clear that the roads will not be able to effectively handle such volumes and that cdtematives will have to be pursued. It is not just in the last year that BR has been investing less than other European companies in rail. This has been an ongoing problem for more than a decade. Such a situation is quite unusual for rail which is intended to both help the environment and boost the economy. Suggestions to increase investment have included a 'green tax' on road users which could combine with money borrowed from the private sector. Good Old Sir Clive: Boffin or Baffoon Sir Clive Sinclair. Say that name to anybody British and old enough to remember the Sinclair C5 (those of five years of age and over) and it immediately brings great amusement to them. Well, now he's back. Yes, the British Bofiin has done it again -he's come up with another idea that is likely to either take off like a rocket or crash and bum like... a scud, (sorry for the joke) He's come up with a Zike. That is a battery powered bike for all those ofyou who enjoy cycling but cannot be bothered when it comes to peddling up a hill. The problem is that it looks like something that has come straight out of toy town. The wheels are so tiny that anybody who wants to get some serious speed up on their two-wheeler would simpty have to give up out of frustration. The maximum speed of the Zike is said to be twelve miles per hour. Even on my old Raleigh Shopper with the basket on the front and the saddlebag on the back at the tender age of eight, I could manage more than that no a bicycle. For those who wish to take bets on how many of these siUy things he is likely to sell, let me give you a few statistics on the sales figures of the C5 and the Sinclair ZX81. The Sinclair C5 lost his company £8.5 million and had fewer than 20,000 sales. Personally, I couldn't imagine even that many people stupid enough to try the thing out but the British seem to love anything stupid and embarrassing so it is a distinct possibility. There was even the memorable time a British gent was caught speeding in a C5. Stranger things have happened. Like the time a Reliant Robin was stopped doing over a hundred miles per hour down the motorway last week. Anyway, I digress. The C5 flopped in a big way, but the Sinclair ZX81 did not. The problem with that was that Sir Clive could not keep up with the production demands when they started getting really big sales orders, however, in this respect he did much for bringing the idea of a home computer into the living rooms of the public. Sir Clive has promised that he can meet any production demands for the new Zike. A Birmingham firm is ready to start production ready for the mail order launch of them in May. It remains to be seen what happens to these strange things. In the meantime, Clive Sinclair will probably go dow in British history along with Eddie the Eagle Edwards for being a man that we all love to cheer along simply because he makes us laugh so much. Well done Sir Clive! £1 Billion Election Giveaway So, the Government has planned to introduce a new National Lottery. This will raise over £1 billion each year which is planned to be ploughed into worthwhile causes: the arts, charities, national heritage etc. What do we, the consumers, get out of this except for an election bribe to vote Conservative? Well, we could win up to £1 million in prize money if we are lucky. Then again, the pools organisers are concerned that the public will not spend their money on both the pools and the lottery and therefore believe that they will lose a great deal of revenue and ultimately, jobs. The Methodists have voiced their con- cern as they believe that the launch of such a National Lottery is by its very nature, promoting gambling in this country. Instead of looking at all the concern raised by those in this country, though, why do we not look at the success of national lotteries in other countries and see how we can leam from them. In Spain, the lottery draw is a huge televised finale to an event in which most of the country participate. The result is read out (or rather sung out by choirboys) in front of the tearful winner and the screams from the studio audience. France also goes mad during the "pomp and ceremony" of the occasion. Therefore, I do not see what we have to worry about in this country. The tickets are not going to cost that much. It is entirely possible that those who presently play the pools will continue to do so and will also buy a weekly lottery ticket. After all, the lure of £1 million is quite enough to send most people scuttling off to the newsagents. It is also a fairer system than the supposed Bingo, Zingo or Wingo trash the daily tabloids dole out to encourage wider readership. Their winners are fixed from the start. There is one point that is worth raising, however. Whilst the causes that the profits are being ploughed into are worthwhile, there are more pressing demands that Government could consider diverting the funds to instead. For example, the NHS is rather in need of money at the moment. So is education, or for that matter higher education. Madeline Gwyon 8 T'EmURTS Tfie 'Beaver, 9tfi March, 1992 Peru What Have You Done to Deserve This ? Plagued by an economic disaster, an unofficial civil war continues in Peru. Paolo Drinot reports. In September of last year a well known newspaper in Lima published the following warning to its readers; if detained by the police, make sure your relatives and friends know, make a scene, don't allowyour face to be covered. For the last eleven years there has been an unofficial civil war going on in Peru between the Shining Path Maoist guerillas, the government and the army, and the Marxist-Leninist Guevarist guerillas, the MRTA (Tupac Amaru Revolutionary Movement). With each finger of each hand fighting its neighbour half of Peru has been divided into so called "emergency zones" Para Escudo where the army has been granted political control by the President, the only person the army still has to answer to. In the middle of all this is the Peruvian population. Since May 1980, the month in which Abimael Guzman, the leader of the Shining Path, 57 years of age and former professor of philosophy in the university of Ayacucho, launched the "armed struggle", more than 24,000 people have lost their lives. The economy has also been avictim: mining, tourism and the national electricity grid are constantly subject to sabotage. It got to the point where most people expected an "apa-gon", a blackout, at Christmas. The last time I was there, there was no blackout but people got quite worried and even scared: "How could there be no apa-gon at Christmas time ?" It had become quite common and even tolerable if you could buy candles, a gas cooker and could afford to loose a whole fridgefull of food. Of course, quite a lot people in Peru don't even have running water let alone electricity , so the people who suffer the most are the middle classes and especially an already weak industiy and commerce. The damage to the economy caused by the civil war is estimated at 18 billion dollars, which is about 80 per cent of Peru's external TAFOS Social Photography Workshops debt. In 1990, more "terrorist acts" (both by the Shining Path and the Army) ocurred in Peru than anywhere else in the world, according to Jane's Defence Weekly. This is not helped by the situation of the economy and Peru's debt. In 1990, inflation was 7,649.7 per cent : Peru owes 22 billion dollars. This situation has been further aggravated by I^esi-dent Fujimori, who having misled the Peruvian electorate, by winning the election in July, 1990 on a populist ticket went on to adopt his opponent, the novelist turned politician, Mario Vargas Llosa's, neo-liberal Thatcherite economic policies, slashing the health budget, and liberalising the buying and selling of medicinal drugs. Not only did the prices rocket sky high but street markets began dealing in the lucrative trade of drugs "imported" from laboratories in Chile. Drugs, which under normal conditions, would have been kept under sub zero temperatures for their safe keeping were being sold in Lima's streets under the scorch- ing sun. This, however, was economically sound in the government's eyes as had been the implementation of the IMF and the World Bank guidelines which led to a massive upturn in unemployment and general hardship. Fujimori's initial economic package, im-plemented on the 8 August, 1990 led to rioting and looting as the implications of what became the first "Fujis-hock" sunk in and angry crowds took to the streets. The police arrested more than 6,000 demonstrators and at least four were killed. The eco-n o m i c measures included the removal of subsidies and huge price rises, ranging between 200 per cent and 500 p>er cent for basic food items and as high as 3000 per cent for petrol. On the 18 August the government announced that the minimum wage was being raised from the equivalent of 12.50 US dollars to 50 US dollars a month. However this does not even get close to covering the cost of the basic basket of essential consumer goods, estimated at 260 US dollars by the government and at 360 US dollars by private economists. By the end of last year the situation was beginning to get worse. It is true that inflation has been dreimati-cally reduced, but this is because of people's lack of money to buy anything. The economic measures of I^esident "Fujimori's government have led to two million of the six million students in primaiy, secondary and higher education to drop out; the cost for a middle class parent of sending his son or daughter to university being higher than his income. The end of last year saw an attempt by President Fujimori to pass a series of decrees which would lead to the partial and eventually total militarization ofPeru. It also proposed the privatization of education and health. Only eight per cent of the active population in Peru hold a steady Job. The few who actually have a Job sometimes have to work up to 16 hours a day for a wage which doesn't even cover the minimum food requirements of a family of three. These sort of conditions have led to a large increase in crime and corruption. There have even been rumours going round in Lima that policemen rent their guns to theives. The deal is as follows : the policeman lets the theif t^e the gun for the night for a small commission. The theif then brings it back in the morning before the policeman goes back on the beat. Taken into cosidera-tion that a policeman earns as little as 50 US dollars a month, this is a measure of survival. In September 1991, La Republica, a Lima newspaper, published a list of recommendations relating to the police : - If detained, make sure relatives and friends know, make a scene, don't allowyour face to be covered - don't obey an order to stop if a policeman acts suspiciously -don't go alone to a police station - don't go to a poice station at night - keep clear of drunken policemen. A large part of the capital, Lima, has been taken over by people coming from the Andes, either looking for workores-c a p i n g from the Shining Path or both. Hundreds of shanty towns have been cesses have all too often met resistance from the government or violence from the Shining Path who oppose any kind of organization of shanty town dwellers, or for that matter, workers and peasants which does not originate from within the Party, calling it revisionist and more often than not physically eliminating the leaders. Guerilla movements have come and gone, but never before has there been anything like Sendero Lumi-noso (Shining Path) . They now control directly or indirectly a third of the country. They adhere to Maoist philosophy and see their leader Abimael Gvizman, nom de guerre Camarada Gonzalo, as the fourth beacon after Marx, Lenin and Mao. They are organized to the extreme, even in prison, they perpetuate their ideology through almost monestary-like readngs of communist litterature and dialectical discourses. Their methods are ruthless, but they respect their own laws to the full. They will kill an adulterer or a theif and prohibit drug consumption in their ranks and in the villages they control. They are self-financed, obtaining their guns from the soldiers they ambush or by simply buying them from corrupt sol- .s'A from sheer TAFOS Social Photography Workshop determinetion and courage diers or drug-traffickers. in the desert which sur- They control the coca grow-rounds Lima. Some people ing regions of Peru and use have tried to organize the this to their full advantage by making the drug-traffickers pay for protection. Cocaine is Peru's first export in revenue. This is where Sendero obtains most of its financing and guns; last month they brought down a DEA helicopter.Sendero started in the mountains of Peru but now they are able to terrorize cities like Lima with two or three carefully shanty towns, bringing sanitation and running water, creating common kitchens and associations of shanty town dwellers. Villa El Salvador, one of the largest of the "pueblos Jovenes" or shanty towns, with 300,000 inhabitants, won the 1987 Spanish "Principe de Asturias" prize for environmental and urban planning. These kinds of suc- placed bombs. It is diflicult to say whether Sendero could win the war and what would happen if it did. The only thing one can be sure of is that nobody in Peru will be surprised if it does. The Sendero phenomenon is not separate from Peru's other ills, it is the manifestation ofthem. Unless Peru creates a system which will take care of the massive poverty and deprivation nothing much can or will change. Furthermore, Sendero has shown us that the problem in Peru is not Just economic but also racial. It would not be wrong to say that there exists a sort of apartheid in Peru, between the rich, white bourgeoisie and middle classes, on the one side, and the poor Indian population, on the other. This machiavellian distinction is necessary to understand the full extent of the problem. One of the main reasons Fujimori was elected was that he was not white. The majority of the Peruvian electorate felt that it could better identify itself with the son of a Japanese immigrant than with a white middle class intellectual, like Vargas Llosa. In spite of the fact that his roots are probably embedded in centuries of Peruvian history, as is the case for most of the class he rep-resents, Llosa, to the majority of the population is no different from the Spanish invaders. The "real" Peruvians did not vote for Fujimori, they voted against Vargas Llosa and all that he stands for and represents. The tragedy is that Fujimori, now, is doing exactly what Vargas Llosa voters were hoping their own candidate would do. It is this, and the disastrous economic situation in Peru, which can help us understand how Sendero can exist and why it will keep growing unless there is a radical change in Peruvian society. Unfortunately, for the moment it appears that Fujimori is doing exactly the opposite of what needs to be done and is therefore rubbing salt into an already veiy deep wound. Ifie 'Beaver, 9tfi ^Xfarcft, 1992 Burma: Only Humans can be Inhuman Sarah SutcUffe describes the atrocities committed by a military dictatorship in Burma, violating human rights At present thre is a crisis on the Burma-Bangladesh border: Burmese troops have been launching new offensives against muslim Rohingyas living in Arakan state. Many thousands of refugees are flooding across the border fromm Burma into Bangladesh. They are telling horrific stories of forced porter service, in which refusal to comply with orders results in an often grisly death. Women are bearing the brunt of much persecution, with most women telling stories of rape and gang-rape by army soldiers: young women claim to have been kept at army barracks for up to three weeks to be continually raped by Burmese soldiers. The reHigees find nothingbut starvation, malaria and disease when they arrive in Bangladesh, but even this is better than what they had experienced under the brutal military regime in Burma. The types of human rights violations described here are also ocurring on Burma's border with Thailand and throughout the whole of the country. On the Thai border, offenses are against the Karen nationality, the Kachin nationality and the students who are now living there. In the centre of the country, students and democracy activists, elected MPs of the opposition party and anyone speaking against the military government is being silenced. These people are all being made scapegoats by a militaiy regime that has lost all credibility and popularity with its people. Burma, which the ruling military Junta has renamed Myanmar, is a country of 41 million people, bordering Bangladesh, India, Tibet, China, Laos and Thailand. Burma gained independence from Britain in 1948, led by National leader General Aung San (the father of this years Nobel Peace Prize winner: Aung San Suu Kyi). General Aung San had the loyalty of the army and had begun to win the confidence of the many different ethnic minorities who live in Burma. However, Aung San and most of his cabinet were assassinated whilst negotiations for independence were still unfinished. The post independence government was unable to develop such good relations and the alienation of the ethnic nationalities grew from this time. The army's loyalty lay increasingly with its commander General Ne Win. In 1962, General Ne Win took power in a military coup to preserve so called "national unity". The perceived enemies of this unity were the ethnic nationalities and the communist party of Burma. In attempting to solve these problems militarily rather than by negotiation, the army inte-sified and extended the civil war which, even now, still provides the main raison d'etre for the military. It is also a major reason for the collapse of the economy, Biirmese soldiers. with the military spending costituting 35-50% of the GNP. In 1974, the army consolidated its political position by bringing in a new constitution which endorsed a one-party socialist system. Every human right, freedom of speech an assembly, was usurped by the need to preserve the state. In 1987, Burma acheived Least Developed Country status at the UN: from being the rice-bowl of Asia, militiy rule had reduced the country to economic ruin. August 1988 saw the last in a series of student-led demonstrations against one-party rule. It was by far toe largest and most wide-spread rebellion the country had witnessed. The army responded with brutal crackdowns, any protesters were shot down in the streets, and hundreds later arrested. Casualty figures from this period range from 5-15,000. Thousands of students and others involved in the demonstrations fled to the "liberated areas" on the Thai, Chinese and Indian border. Here, they forged an alliance with the ethnic nationalities. This was the first alliance between the Burmese political opposition ant the ethnic opposition and is one of the most positive outcomes of 1988. Meanwhile, inside Burma military rule was extended and intensified : the civil judiciary was replaced by military tribunals with only three possible sentences: three years hard labour, twenty years im-prison-ment or death. Schools and universities were closed for three years, only reopening in the middle of last year on the condition that students, their parents and teachers all sign undertakings not to become involved with politics. All schools and universities were once again shut in December of last year, following further student demonstrations when Aung San Suu Kji was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Teachers are reportedly now undergoing "corrective" training. After the brutal scenes of 1988, when Burma's f>opu-lar Democracy movement was abruptly ended with the massacres, followed by mass arrests and clampdowns, the promise of democratic elections in May 1990 delivered new hope to the people. The National League for Democ-racy (NLD) led by the honourary president of this ceeds 2000. Since the constitution was suspended in 1988, thousands of jjeople have simply been detained without charge. Precise condi- _____ Burmese child. students union, Aung San Suu Kyi, won a landslide victory, capturing 85% of the parliamentary seats. Since the, however, the military has refused to hand over power. More than 80 of the 485 MPs elected last May have been "removed" by detention without trial, formal imprisonment, exileordeath. Atleast five MPs have died, some while in military or police custody. Of the 392 elected MPs from the NLD, more than 60 are currently in prison, many held without trial. 17 other MPs most from the NLD, have escaped across the Thai border and are now deemed by the military authorities to have "absconded" to the rebels based there. Overall, approximately 1000 NLD MPs, officials and supporters are currently in detention or serving prison sentences. Aung San Suu Kyi is still under house arrest, where she has been since July 20th, 1989. No-one has been allowed to see her for over a year now. The total number of political prisoners of all kinds in Burma now probably ex- tions in prisons are unknown, but reliable reports suggest that they are inhuman and that torture is reportedly sytematic and often fatal. United Nations delegates have been refused access to Burma's prisons and the International Committee of the Red Cross and Amnesty International have been denied entry to the country. The rapid enactment of seemiingly arbitrary laws to further control of dissent continues unchallenged. If those perceived as enemies of the government cannot be persecuted under the 1923 official Secrets Act, the 1957 Unlawful Associations Act, the 1962 Printers and Publishers Registration Law or the 1975 State Protection Law, then a new law may be retrospectively applied. Since the coup, 15,000 public servants have been either sacked or disciplined for crimes of thought and expression. The latest law against "moral turpitude" effectively ensures that those who cannot be charged under existing laws will be ensnared by this catch all legislation. There are further appalling consequences of this draconian censorship. Tropical rain forests, Burma's major source of : wealth, are being decimated at an incredible rate: teak is sold for foreign curency, which is in turn used to purchase arms for further suppression of ethnic minorities. The narcotics trade is protected through secrecy. The absolute embargo on any semblance ofa free press precludes discussion and action on even non-political aspects of daily life. The spread of life-threatening diseases including AIDS, is exacerbated by denial of information both within and outside the country. The refusal to allow any foreign journalists access to Burma further limits sustained camnpaigning by the international community, which necessarily relies upon the availability of accurate information. The Burmese military is an illegal government which is attempting to exterminate all opposition, including the democratically elected government led by Aung San Suu Kyi. The suffering of the Burmese people will continue as long as the military government exists and can receive arms from China and hard currency from multi-nationals like Pepsi-Cola and Shell Oil. We must support an international arms embargo against the military leadership in Burma. We must pressure our government, the EC and the UN to take action against the military regime in Burma. We must pressure the Chinesie government to stop sales of arms to Burma. We must pressure the Thai government to stop the forced repatriation of legitimate refugees. We must support a teak ban. Write to your MP and MEP, to the UN. to companies investing in Burma and support the work of the Burma Action Group. For further information contact Sarah Sutcliffe in room S504 ( or 071 586 8002) or the BURMA ACTION CROUP, 3rd Leighton Crescent, London NWl 4. nUe (Beaver, 9th O^arcfi, 1992 Contemporary Nomenclature Abba: Derived from the Initials of the Christian names of the four members. Angela, Betty, Boris and Adam. ACDC: After electrical current or bisexual preferences. Take your pick. Alice Cooper: Name given through ouija board sesh. All About Eve: Bette Davis Flick B-52s: Comes from the haircut named after a bomber. Bauhaus: Named after an architectural school in '30s Germany. Beatles: Fab Four's awful tribute to their favourite band. Buddy Holly and the Crickets. Spawned a number of similar mispelt animal names which werejust as bad, ie the Monkees and the Byrds. Beautifiil South: Sarl^ reference to how crap they think the South of England is. Betty Boo: Swiped from an annoying 1930s cartoon character. The Bible: Named after the World's best seller. Big Country: Cowboy film classic. Blow Monkeys: Racist Australian slang for didg-erido-playing aboriginals. Blondie: Swiped from a crap American comic strip. Bridwell Taxis: Named after police vans that take naughty Leeds people to jail. Buzzcocks: Comes from the line "What's the buzz, cocks?". Either that or its a perverse sexual practice involving electricity Carter USM: Named after Les 'Fruitbat' Carter. Celibate Rifles: "Amusing" attempt at sending up the Sex Pistols' moniker. The Clash: Mostfrequant word found in the press when they formed. Communards: French revolutionaries The Cramps: Only band in the world named after period pains. Crispy Ambulance: Fuck knows. Culture Club: Popular '80s phrase "club culture" backwards. The Cure: Formerly The Easy Cure. Curiosity Killed The Cat: Nicked from a home computer game. The Damned: Took their handle from Viconti's top movie starring Dirk Bog-arde. Danny Wilson: Character played by Frank Sinatra in a film. Also the name of a crap footballer. The Darling Buds: Guess where they got their name from? Deep Purple: Crap rockers were named after guitarist Richie Blackmore's granny's favourite Elvis song. Hard or what? Depeche Mode: French The Beaver guide to where bands got their names. Interesting, huh? term meaning 'hurried fashion' Dezy's Midnight Runners: After dexedrine. The Doors: Drug reference! Drug reference! Duran Duran: Milo O'Shea's perv-machine operator in Barberella. Durutti Column: Regiment that fought in the of Los Angeles. Gaye Bykers On Acid: Long lost grebo act named after a joke in a Lowry cartoon. Changed their name to Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds for a while. The Go-Betweens: From the Joseph Losey film. Heaven 17: Imaginary group found on the juke- M m Goon Culture; Ned's are keen 'Highway' £ans Spanish Civil War. Bob Dylan: Robert Zimmerman's mispelt tribute to Dillon, the rabbit from The Magic Roundabout'. 808 State: Named after a popular drum machine. Echo and the Bun-njrmen: Moniker suggested by a friend which had con-natations to their drum machine. EMF: Epson Mad Funk-ers. Or Ecstacy Mother Fuckers. Or Eric's Moped's Fucked. Engelbert Humperdink: The side-burned git nicked his name from a dead German composer. Everything But The Girl: Clothes shop in Hull. The Fall: Albert Camus novella The Farm: Named after luxury estate where they all live. Fatima Mansions: Housing estate in Dublin. Fine IToung Cannibals: Dodgy name from a dodgy film. Flowered Up: Drug reference! Drug reference! Frankie Goes To Hollywood: Headline in a book concerning Frank Side-bottom's recent sellout tour box in "A Clockwork Orange" The High: Drug reference! Drug reference! The Hollow Men: When Elliot wrote The Wasteland' with its glum House Of Love: Guy Chadwick and his cronies are actually named after Anais Nin's rude book "A Spy In The House Of Love' and not after Was(Not Wasj's great dance tune. The Housemartins: Fourth most popular bird in HuU. Hue & Cry: Great Ealing comedy. Crap Scottish band. The Human League: Named after the goodies in a science-fiction wargame. Inspiral Carpets: The band's favourite words in the dictionary. Iron Maiden: Nasty piece of medival torture. The Jam: Because they used to "Jam" together in school. James: Thinly disguised tribute to Simple Minds' lead singer Jim Kerr. Jesus And Mary Chain: Named after an advert for a religious trinket. Jethro Tull: Dead revolutionary from the 18th century. Johnny Hates Jazz: A friend of the band called John who hated jazz "inspired" them to greater things. Judas Priest: Euphemism for Jesus Christ. Kitchens Of Distinction: According to their lead singer it was the only name they could think of that wasn't offensive. KLF: Kopyright Liberation Front or, if you read the NME, Kings of the Low Frequency. The La's: Short for lads in Liverpool. Only the La's themselves ever use it Led 2^pplin: Keith Moon Level 42: Long running Joke in "Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy" about 42 being the answer to the ultimate question. Loving Spoonful: Derived from the average amount of male ejaculate. Lush: Because they're always pissed, I suppose. Madness: Took their name from an old song by ska legend Prince Buster. Marillion: From a book by the same author of'Lord Of The Rings' Meat Loaf: Fatty's childhood nickname. Mega City Four: A city in the futuristic comic 2000AD The Mekons: Named after Dan Dare's arch enemy. The Men They Couldn't Hang: After lucky criminal John Lee The Mock Turtles: A particularly revolting type of soup Motorhead: Title of a song written by Lemmy which included the line "moving like a parallelogram/Yeah" Ned's Atomic Dustbin: An episode from the classic '50s radio show The Goon Show'. New Fast Automatic Da&odils: Taken from a poem by Wordsworth. New Order: Often believed to be a reference to Nazism, the name actually came from Pol Pot's geno-cidal reign of terror and death in Cambodia. The Only Ones: Singer Peter Perret dreamt that he had to be in a band of that name. Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark: Named after is 'Furry Rodents indeed...' It's the Pet Shop Boys! refrain"We are the hollow men", little did he realise that an iffy indie group would be inspired by him. Then again, he wouldn't have liked 'Cats' much either. predicted that Jimmy Page's New Yardbirds would go down like a lead balloon. Hence the name, the box set, the awful songs about goblins and spaceships.... one of their own songs. Pet Shop Boys: Either a) named after some friends of Chris Lowe's who lived above a pet shop or b) named after sexual practice involving Hammy Hamster and his chums. Pink Floyd: Named after a jazz singer called Pink and boxer Floyd Paterson. The Pogues: Short for the Gaelic phrase Pgue Ma-hone, which, roughtytrans-lated, means for Kiss My Arse. There are some sad people in the world today who still crack jokes about whether The Pogues are called The Kisses or The Arses. Prefab Sprout: Paddy MacAloon believed this to be a line sung by Nancy Sinatra in 'Jackson'. Unfortunately, the line was actually 'pepper sprout'. The clot! Primal Scream: Homage to hippy psychiatrist Arthur Janov's book The Primal Scream'. Ramones: At the height of Beatlemania, Paul McCartney used to check in under the name of Paul Ramon. Hence the narhe. REM: Deny the claim that they are named after Rapid Eye Movement, the signal for dreaming in sleep. But if this is true, what does REM stand for? Right Said Fred: The rubber-perv trio are named after a song by Bernard Cribbins of all people. The Rolling Stones: Named after a Muddy Water's song. Roxy Miisic: Biyan Ferry thought it sounded good. The Rutles: Derived from the old English county of Rutland Scritti Politti: Italian for political writings. The Searchers: John Ford western starring John Wayne. S'Express: They must be the only group in the world named after Essex Express Minicabs in London. Shakespear's Sister: Named after a Virginia Woolf essay. They tried to avoid any links with the Smiths song of the same name by dropping the e (Drug reference! Drug reference!) at the end of Shakespeare. Sham 69: Some bright spark wrote 'Hersham 69' on a wall in said town and Jimmy Pursey thought it would be a good name for a group. Sigue Sigue Sputnik: Russian punk gang. Silverfish: Little bug that lives in cupboards. Simple Minds: Creates the impression of laddish simplicity. Should've stuck with the name Johnny and the Self-Abusers Simply Red: Because Mick Hucknall, the amazing Fulchester United centre forward, has red hair. Sisters of Mercy: Comes from a really happy tune by Leonard Cohen. Please see Names, page 11 Ifie 'Beaver, 9th Ovfarch, 1992 'You'll Never Believe This One' Doubting Thomas - The Infidel. A review in places Hello, good evening, and welcome to the review of the record 1 know you've all been waiting for. Its been hyped to the skies, I admit, and no magazine, newspaper, or programme has seemed quite, I don't know, complete, without some sort of feature on its imminent release, its prospects for living up to the huge expectations we have, even its miraculous life giving properties. Claims that it improves sex lives, makes meals tastier, even that it does wonders for your Nintendo scores have not been denied. In all respects, this is a big record. Sorry, that should be BIG. Or even BIG!!! Positively H-U-G-E by any normal standards. A record to be in awe of, to be proud to take home to meet the parents, a record soon to be used as a benchmark in reviews. Marks out of ten will disappear, and we'll have 'a moderately good record: I'll give it 0.0023 of a Doubting Tho- mas' type reviews. A record to change peoples conceptions of music, a record that in fact makes the word 'record' redundant. A biggie, basically. Okay, so I'm talking bollocks. I hadn't heard a thing about Doubting Thomas ( not a good name) either till I was given this to review. The press release mention ed Skin ny Puppy some-where along the line, who I had heard of, but never heard, if you get my meaning, so that didn't help. For all I can remember, it may have said 'sounds nowt like Skinny Puppy whatsoever, if you're going to review this record (God knows why I keep mentioning 'record', it was on CD), a knowledge of Skinny Puppy is no help', but I doubt it. So I take it home and give it a listen, and its quite good really, sort of atmospheric drum machines (look, dont ask how a drum machine can be atmospheric, but it can) and moody synths etc. I have scribbled down here the words 'imagine if Slow-dive made a good record with two DX7's, a sampler, and no guitars'. Can't actually remember writing that bit down, and I'm not sure if I agree with it one bit - Slowdive make a good record? Come on...- but .everything is relevant, I'm sure, however disjointed and senseless. Apart from Ray Cokes. Who is he? No. whv is he? Sorry, I'm drifting. I've written other bits down about it (eg they sample the Hitchcock film 'Mamie' among many many other bits) but I think it's time now to hand you over to an expert in these matters. He actually owns some Skinny Puppy records and was going to get this record/CD /whatever anyway, and so he was quite pleased to be given it in exchange for a few words from him about it. So heres my good pal Nik Winchester to tell you who they are and what they're like, etc, etc... A Review By Someone Who Knows Something About Doubting Thomas "Skinny Puppy Have always been one of the most extreme purveyors of the industrial sound. Their songs always threatening to descend into seemingly random bursts of electronic noise bound by an incessant loud drumbeat, only focussed by Nirek Ogre's anti-vivisectionist rant. Skinny Puppy have never been easy listening - no familiar reference points exist - their albums demand constant attention from the listener. They remain original and innovative in a scene which is becoming increasingly polarised into the Ministry / Revolting Cocks copyists and the Front 242 clones. The Infidel is a collection of songs recorded between 1987 - 1990 which were deemed to be unsuitable to be included on Classical Review As some of the readers have expressed a concern about the monopolisation of the music pages by rock and alternative music lovers, I thought it was about time, a little variety was added to appease all you doubters and also to show that the Beaver does actually cater for all tastes, even classical music buffs. IVe decided to have a look at what is happening in the the 'proper' music scene this month and say a few words on a couple of the new releases that I have had the pleasure of actually sitting down and listening to. Well let's begin with something really dear to our hearts. Just when we all thought it was safe to come out from hiding , yet another recording of, wait for it, Vivaldi's Four Seasons has been released. I don't know about you but I'm still recovering from Nigel Kennedy's, shall we say, 'enthusiastic'rendition, for want of a less favourable word. Hie recording was made by Sinfonia di Siena, with Guiliano Badini (violin) on this occasion. This recording does not tend to possess the exuberance shown by ol' Nige, but is competent enough and there is positively no hjrpe surrounding it. There are now over seventy recordings of this piece currently available, undoubtedly a case of overkill. On a more favourable note is the re-release of Beethoven's nine symphonies recorded by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra between 1972-74, with Sir George Solti conducting. It is veiy creditable effort and the ninth symphony. Choral, is perhaps the best performance of all. It does however seem to have something lacking in some respects, due in part to Solti's heavy handed approach which is effective in some of the more intense symphonies but not really suited to the lighter first and eight symphonies. To this end, it does not have the same effectiveness as other versions of Beethoven's sjmiphonies espe- More Names You Never Knew Skinny Puppy albums. What you get is a collection of instrumentals reflecting a subtler side of the band. Layers of textures combine to create an electonic SoundScape of changing moods and provactive images. Individual songs do not stand out as the album moves forward like the soundtrack to some surreal nightmarish movie. The anger that dominated previous Skinny Puppy releases has been replaced by a more welcoming attitude which lets you explore the music for yourself rather than confronting you with an attitude to which you have to react. "Anger and aggression become meaningless without contrast. With this release Skinny Puppy have presented this wider context through which to view their music thus reaffirming their position of one of the most original and innovative bands around." Thanks Nik. I particu- cially that of the Berliner Philharmonic Orchestra under the guidance of the late Herbert von Karajan. (I'm not biased, honest!) This year, as we all know, is the two hundredth anniversary of the birth of Italian of>eratic composer Gio-acchino Rossini of. The Barber of Seville and more significantly William Tell fame. You know, the Lone Ranger, hi-ho silver, and all that. Well I have it on good authority that they are going to be a few new releases of some of his operas over the coming months so we really have something to look forward to. Apart from that it is business as usual. Nigel Boyce Names, &om page 10 The Smiths: Reputedly named after a family related to Moors Murderer Myra Hindley. The Soup Dragons: Clangers reference! Clangers reference! Spandau Ballet: Apparently Gary Kemp visited Spandau Jail in Berlin and decided that for entertainment that they might have a ballet. Stone Roses; Named after a spy thriller book. Now you know. Sultans Of Ping FC: Play on words of an old, and very boring, Dire Straits number. Talulah Gosh: Character from Bugsy Malone. Teardrop Explodes: Bonkersly enough, dearold Julian swiped his name from a caption in Daredevil comic. 10 CC: Named after the creamy love juice stuff. 10,000 Maniacs: A Spanish film. That Petrol Emotion: A line from one of their own songs. Them: Classic Sci-Fi film about giant ants. Honest. Thompson Twins: Pinched from Herge's adventures of Tintin. Thousand Yard Stare: Military term for shellshock. Tom Jones: The man who IS sex pinched his moniker from a Henry Fielding novel entitled Tom Jones', believe it or not. T'Pau: Spock's mum in Star Trek. Tyrannosaurus Rex: Dear old Marc wanted to be named after the biggest creature that ever lived. UB40: A band whose name gets more ironic as time passes by. U2: US sply plane. Chemical equation. Tou too' etc The Velvet Underground: the band that spawned a thousand monikers, including the Primitives. The Waterboys and Squeeze, took their name from a pornographic magazine from the '60s. Man. Voice Of The Beehive: Popular art film from the 60s. Wedding Present: Dave Gedge likes the name and that's all that matters. larly like the "anger and aggression become meaningless without contrast" line. Good one. Of course. I could have told you all that, but not in so many nice words. The "nightmarish surreal soundtrack" translates as 'downright eerie' in my notes. Yeah, I prefer the surreal version, too. So there you have it, two-re-views-in-one. And you lot reckon you're hard done by. You'll be complaining that the trains dont run on time next... Zonker H (the bumf) and Nik Winchester (the smart words. You could guess he knows someone from Melody Maker, couldn't you? And talking of MM, me and Nik and Chris have finished the NME crossword two weeks running!!! Anyone who's tried it will know what a feat that is. Just thought you should know. Its all-right, I'm going now...) Unlawful Killing Cop Shoot Cop's new L.R, 'Whitenoise' matey. Wet Wet Wet: Dour Scotsmen found inspiration form a line in a Scritti Politti song. Wham!: Top Pop Art picture by Roy Liechtenstein. Wire: Art punks named after long thin metal string. Wonderstuff: Doesn't stand for an3rthing in particular. They were going to call themselves the Eight Legged Groove Machine which turned out to be quite lucky when you consider the fact that they have obtained an extra pair of legs. X-Ray Specs: Gadget often found in Science Fiction comics. XTC: Ecstasy. Geddit? Jimmy Young: He was bom James Young, natch. Cop Shoot Cop's latest album is "WHITENOISE" , and an excellent album it is too! Opening with "Discount Rebellion" - "...conformity is sexy..." . it soon becomes clear that this band aren't particularly happy with the world they're living in . Tracks like "Traitor/Martyr" -"injustice is never and accident.....I was a sacrifice to the god of greater good". don't exactly disprove this theory. The album is reasonably heavy, but not excessively so. The most striking aspect of it on first listen is the growled / spitefully shouted vocal content. which is where the heart of the album lies . The album is full of political points, although the band never shove a solution philosophy down your tliroats - they just point out what they don't like around them. The album is fairly varied , from the very slow , bassy "Traitor/Martyr" , almost swlngy "Hung Again" . to the thrashy "Heads I Win . Tails You Lose" . "RelieT and "Where's the Money" are almost industrial tunes -a pretty far reaching mixture . "Corporate Protopop" is worth special mention . as is " If tommorrow ever comes" . The former is the voice of a George Bush impressionist encouraging greed in order to maintain the status quo and thus his power . The latter is perhaps the most striking track on the album , both for musical and lyrical content - "...if tommorrow ever comes : we'll learn to like to be deceived / wonder how we got this far" . Perhaps the most depressing aspect of this album is "Hung Again" . After ranting about all this wrong the lyricist sees around him , he decides to get "hung again [drunk] tonight, 'cos it's the best way to tum out the lights" . Optimistic it isn't. The album has veiy strong political opinions .which may put some people off it. It is very unlikely that you'll agree with all the opinions expressed here. However . it is very good . and very thought provoking , which after all, is something to be looked for in all serious music . By (someone on the) Beaver Staff ACCOMMODATION LSE ACCOMMODATION 1992/1993. Application Fomns for LSE Halls, Flats and houses, along with University of London Intercollegiate Halls are currently available from the Central Accomadation Office (E296) and the Housing and Welfare Office (E297). The closing dates for applications by continuing students (undergraduates and postgraduates) are as follows: LSE residences (halls, flats and houses) 30 April 1992 Intercollegiate Halls 31 March 1992. ACCOMMODATION AVAILABLE. A shared flat at Carr-Saunders Hall. Private bath and kitchen. Available for full-time, male LSE student. Room available from March 21 to July 2. Cost £500 (approx. 15 weeks at £33) More information: call 071-580-6338 Room F3/5 (Kamel) or Room F6/1 (Heba) Postgrads and mature students. FLAT TO LET. A self-contained, fully-fumished flat with 2 double bed rooms. Large lounge and dining area. Security entrance. Zone 3 LT and BR £600 p.c.m., excl. bills. Available now, ring 081-902-7626 (24hr ansafone) PLEASE NOTE THE CHANGE IN NUMBER!! WOMAN WANTED to rent own room and share facilities with 1/2 women and cat. Pleasant, well equiped, spacious flat in Fulham with garden. £70 per week inclusive, from beginning of March. Vegetarian preferred. Call Sally on 071-381-1912 (eves and Weekends). Flatshare for Male. Excellent location, close to Oxford Circus. (20 min. walk to LSE.) Share large room in 2nd. floor flat. £45 per week + bills. Call : 071-636-4053 SHELTER NIGHTLINE For temporaiy accommodation, help and advice on housing emergencies and general housing advice. Freephone 0800 446 441 Weekdays (6pm to 9am). Weekends (24hrs.) LSE DEBATING SOC. This House Belives that Lunch is for Wimps" Wed. 11th March 1pm, Vera Anstey Room CHARTER 88 Gordon Brown MP will address a meeting at Logan Hall, Institute of Education, 20, Bedford Way, WCl. 6.30 to 8pm, Monday 9th March. £2.50 for students. MATURE STUDENT'S SOCIETY. NOW MEETS IN THE TUNS, EVERY THURSDAY AT 1pm. LOST NEAR UNION SHOP: Brown patterned glasses pouch with spectacles and pens in. If found, please return to the porters lodge or lost property. ANTI-FASCIST ACTION BENEFIT. Friday 13th March Starring : Young Disciples, Cookie Crew, Krome, Bush House. Spank. Loads of P.A. and DJ's from KISS FM. DOORS 7.30pm, tickets £4 students. LSE JEWISH SOCIETY meets eveiy Tuesday l-2pm, in the Vera Anstey Room SCANDINAVIAN SOCIETY PRESENTS: "PATHFINDER" an oscar-winning film with subtitles 7.45pm, Old Theatre, Thurs. 12th March. ANDREW PUDDEPHATT GENERAL SECRETARY, LIBERTY, will be speaking on A BILL OF RIGHTS FOR BRITAIN in S75 at 1pm. on Wed 11th March SPANISH TUITION GRADUATE NATIVE SPEAKERS, one to one and groups. Prices and hours to suit. Contact Javier or Salva 071-820-0408 MULTICULTURAL Thurs. 19th March. Would all societies who want to have a food stall, perform national dances, or put up an exhibition, please contact Fiona MacDonald in E206. THE LSE CHAPUNCY Wed. 11th March: WORKSHOP - AIDS : CRISIS AND OPPORTUNITY. A workshop led by Father David Randall, pastoral director of CARA (Care and Resources for People affected by Aids/HIV.) ONLY 20 PLACES. SO ROOK NOW SEE THE CHAPLINCY IN . "Socialists and the General Election" a discussion organised by Workers Power Student Society. Wed. 11th March, 7.30pm in S419. THE HARD EDGE CLUB. Mon. 9th March. "Putting Poetry out of its Misery" with Steve Tassane, Yvonne Houlton, Razz and Mike Parsons. at Old Red Lion, Great Windmill Street, Wl. LSESU PRESENTS: "Feminism or Islam?" (The Future of the Women's movement) Fiona MacDonald vs Hasen Ali Finam. Mon. 16th March, 5pm C120 SCOTCH APPRECIATION SOCIETY End of Term Tasting Session. Thursday. 12th March 7.30pm Vera Anstey Room. HELP JOHN PANNU! John Punnu (Student Governor)is submitting a feedback paper to an LSE Committee on: 1. The need for more effective support from personal tutors for tutees. 2. The need for coursework to count towards degree grades. If you have any comments, please let him know via the pigeon holes outside C422 by Friday 13th March. MALAYSIA SINGAPORE SOCIETY MSS NIGHT 1992. "A Night of Stars" Old Theatre, March 14th. £6. Dinner 6pm, Show 8pm. Ihe 'Beaver, 9tfi Marcft., 1992 A LOOK AT INDIAN PHILOSOPHY III Saturday 14th March, 9am to 8pm. Sunday 15th March, 10am to 1pm A42, LSE. Organised by the Association of Indian Progressive Study Group. For more information, caU 081-574-8967. The South East Asian Journal needs articles and contributions- anything welcome, on economic, political and social issues: factual, controversial, or humerous. Put in S.E.Asian Soc. mailbox, or see Jon Fenton-Fischer by 20th March. PHOTO COMPETITION "Lens genius 1992" All entries should be placed in the folder inside the darkroom, or given to Photo Soc. Exec, members. Entries can be on any subject, but no larger that A4 size. Prizes include subscriptions to "Amatuer Photographer" magazine. Deadline: 13 March. The Shakedown Club with BiU Jenkins and Steve Noble. Improvised Jazz in the Underground, Wed. 11th March, 8pm. £2.50 students,.£1.50 Jazz Soc. members LENT LEGACY End-of Term party Friday 20th March Underground/Three Tuns. Extension to lam. ST. PATRICK'S DAY CELEBRRATIONS Tues 17th March, Three Tuns. Live band HUGE Guinness and Jameson promotion. MEGA MARCH MAYHEM!!!! SAT. 14th MARCH. LSE TEQUILA!!!! extension untill midnight. Tequila £1.20 a double. Massive bar subsidy. Discos/live bands. Tickets from Fiona in E206, stall in Houghton Street, SU Shop, SU reception, or from the Three Tims. Members £2.50 non-members £3.50 School of Slavonic and East European Studies Students Union Society, LSE History Society, and Living Marxism present EASTERN EUROPE TO 2000... Ethnicity and Identity after the Cold War. 2-3.30pm Ethnicity and Identity after the Cold War 4-5.30pm Workshops on Yugoslavia 7-9pm Question Time: What Future for Europe? LSE A86, A44, and the Old Theatre. Tickets £6 (£3 conc.) for the day (£3 or £2 for evening only) Available from SU reception. East Building. The Latin American & Italian Societies invite you to : LATIN CONNECTION III The main event of the LSE social calendar. Thurs, 19th March at the LIMELIGHT. Tickets on sale from Mon 7th March. Alternatively, call 071-497-3127. LSE COMPARATIVE GOVERNMENT SOCIETY PRESENTS: His Excellency Bernardo Sepulveda, The Mexican Ambassador and Former Secretary for Foreign Affairs (1982-1988) SPEAKING ON: The North American Free Trade Agreement Tues. 17th March, 3.30pm, Vera Anstey Room, Old Building. NEW SECURITY GUIDELINES: IMPORTANT FOR ALL STUDENTS In view of the current security problems which are being experienced in central London, the following guidelines are being adopted within the school: 1. No bags or other articles should be left unattended anywhere within the school. 2. Any unattended items may be removed and if necessary passed over to the security authorities for disposal. 3. Anyone depositing any item in the school cloakroom is liable to be asked to produce proof of identification. 4. No-one should accept any item which is not their personal property for storage in offices or personal lockers. 5. Any suspicious behaviour should be reported to the porters lodge in the main building (ext. 2000) 'B'mn^EllCIJlSSIfl'E'DS To advertise in the Classifieds section, please contact James in the Beaver Office (ext. 2870). Alternatively, write down the information, and drop it into the Beaver Office (El97), This service is free to all USE students and Societiess. Please note that copy deadline Is Wednesday noon for the following Monday's issue^ 14 mis *2^ 'Beaver, 9th O^iarcfi, 1992 Life On The Road A new production by the Talawa Theatre Co. at the Cochrane. A motor scrapyard in Lagos provides the setting for the Talawa Theatre Company's presentation of The Road', a play by Noble Laureate, Wole Soyinka. It is a tale about the assortment of characters who reside in this territory under the leadership of The Professor". Samson (Cyril Ike-chukwu Nri), an unemployed bus conductor doesn't seem too concerned about being out of work but rather spends his time making fun of his friend, Salubi (Akim Mogaji), who is in a similarly position. An argument begins when Salubi states that he intends to become a chauffeur and accuses Samson of being too proud to find another job. Samson takes one lookat him and laughs. Everyone understands why Samson is laughing ; Salubi's uniform is terribly dirty and bloodstained ; a fact which coupled with his lack of a driving licence would make it almost impossible for him to be offered a job to drive anything, let alone a limousine. In comes Ben Thomas as The Professor", an eccentric who makes the best forgeries and goes about his 'rounds' dressed up in a tailcoat on hot sunny afternoons in Lagos. He still has quite a lot of influence over the inhabitants of the yard, despite his fall from grace and the fact that they think he is becoming insane; A policeman pleads with The Professor" to give him the honour of arresting him when the opportunity arises. It is very funny to see Salubi cowering under a table and pleading with Samson to stop lying to "The Professor" when only a few moments ago he had been saying he wasn't scared of him. "SayTol^oKid" (David Webber) rambles in dressed as a Texan and begins to explain to his mates why driving a timber truck is P David Webber and Lenny Edwards in "The Road" Photo: Richard H. Smith the best thing in the world. Webber's character undoubtedly provides some of the funniest moments in this production. Having said all this, it would be wrong to leave you with the impression that The Road' was very amusing and interesting ; it was not. Mr Soyinka has written a number of plays, not to mention books, poems etc. and I therefore find it difficult to understand why Talawa had to chose this particular one to celebrate the opening of its new home, the recently refurbished Cochrane Theatre. However, The Professor" and his adopted mute. Murano(Steve Ashton) do give the audience profound insights into death and its rituals, so go and see the play if these topics appeal to you. Benjamin Accam The Road" runs until the 28th of March at the Cochrane Theatre, Southampton Row.WCl. Bum, sodomy, and the lash Thundercracks are go! Following close on the heels of such seminal classics as "Vixen', 'Supervixen', and 'Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens', Passflelds rapid response critic team girded their loins and prepared for an evenings light entertainment at their favourite local late night repertory The Scala Cinema in Kings' Cross (That's a coincidence isn't it? - ed.) Ignoring cries of "you're a bunch of sad bastards who can't get your end away" we donned our macs and joined the mixed crowd of white middle-aged men with facial deformities. "Thundercrack" had it all; actors, a director, a couple of cameramen, and what passed for a plot. In a nutshell, half a dozen social inadequates, all with a common link of above average sized physical appendages, stumble upon a house of a deranged middle aged nymphomaniac with two terrrible secrets - the exact contents of her fruitbowl and a son whose "life has been crushed under the weight of his own testicles." We find out more about the assembled crowd as they take it in turns to experiment not only with each other, but also with a variety of sexually deviant toys, the nature of which surprised even those amongst our number. One of them is dealing with the death of his wife after a particularly nasty explosion involving some non-British Standard Tested underwear. Another has escaped the circus after enjoying the fruits of forbidden love with the star attraction, the gorilla, who was later to play a key role In a shattering climax. As we were preparing for half time pints before re-submerging ourselves in 'Cafe Flesh', and suitably appreciative of the art we had witnessed, we were left with a poignant message from the hostess and heroine, Gert;"People will come, and people will go, but the cucumbers will always remain." To find out quite where they will remain will require a visit to the Scala for a mind-broadening (they can't do it like that), and relatively cheap night out. Windy "Dune" Miller The double bill that is Thundercrack' and 'Cafe Flesh' (a relatively straightforward bit of pom, oops, sorry art) is only available to see at the Scala, cos like they're the only people allowed to show it, and make no mistake it's not for deranged, sad, perverts it's for the broad minded amongst us isn't it cos it's not pom really it's art innit? (Bollocks - ed.) The Final Frontier Last instalment of 'Star Trek' series? Do you know why British and European cinema is such a mess ? Well, apart from the crap coffee and small pieces of cake at "art house" cinemas the EEC just does not make great films like "Star Trek VI -The Undiscovered Country"- Well, boys and girls , it's the last hurrah for the crew of the Starship Enterprise. And what a final mission ! 3 months away from signing off after 25 years of service Kirk, Spock, Bones et al are sent to a peace conference to help the ailing klingons . Of course , like JFK, the military industrial complex of the Klingon Empire cannot take the notion of peace sitting down , so the Klingon ambassador is assas- sinated with the blame falling on James Tiberius Kirk - who in turn blames the Klingons for his son's death (see Star Trek II) . Christopher Plummer forsakes Waterloo to play a Klingon general with an inch-thick eye leather eye-patch . He is fond of quoting Shakespeare in the original Klingon , and his "Let loose the dogs of war" whilst swivelling in his chair is one of the high points of the film . This wonderful piece of celluloid builds on the 25 years ofStarTrek programming to put the characters into a really believable setting . There are some great special effects and this swansong of the Enterprise crew is certainly the best of the six Star Trek films . It definitely makes up for the dreadful Star Trek V . Just before the end credits roll we see the crew asked back to be decommissioned . Kirk decides to sail off into the sun with the actors apparently retiring after two-and-a-half decades of saving the Galaxy and life "Jim" as we know it. With the passing of these characters it seems that all we are left with is Wednesday night on BBC2 , when Jean-Luc Picard captains the Enterprise . So, roll on Star Trek VII ! Go and see this film - if possible, in 70mm at the Empire, Leicester Square. Steve "Trekkie" Thomas El Publico Lorca at Kings' Following the successful production of two plays by Lorca last term by the LSE Drama Soc. some readers may be interested to hear of a production of another work by the same playwright at Kings' College; their Spanish Department are next week staging "El Publico" which is described by them as one of Lorcas' most audacious plays - Lorca himself told an interviewer that he had no intention of producing the play believing that no theatre company would dare to undertake it. He said that the play would outrage any audience and that rather than a play it would be "a poem to be hissed at." As Catherine Boyle, the plays' director says;"This play is rarely performed in Spain or elsewhere... one of the reasons for doing 'El Publico' was because it was a challenge and an exciting play to produce." This KCL production therefore provides any Lorca fan with an opportunity to see a play that they might otherwise not have the chance to see for quite a while. EI Publico will be performed at Kings' College in their New Theatre on the 11th, 12th, and 13th of March. Tickets £2.50 for information ring the KCL Spanish Department on 071-836 5454. Q[ance Theatre The Road at the Cochrane Thundercrack and Cafe Flesh at the Scala El Publico at Kings'College London Film SlarlYekVI: The Undiscovered Country general release Tfie LST. T^rama Soc presents: Oscar WiCde's me Importance of^eing T^arnest" a trixfial comedy for ¦ serious people, Monday 9th and Tuesday 10 tk Ovtarcfi, 8p.m. in the OCd Theatre (Bert/ioh (Brec/it s "Life of Qatileo " "Monday 16 th through Weds. 18 th ydarch 7.30 p.m. in the OCd Theatre for each performance. Tickets: £Z-SO or £2- for (Drama Soc memBers Ifie 'Beaver, 9tft.9v[arcfi, 1992 SVCmtS 15 Eyre tackles ref from behind Photo: Paul Nugent Ingledew breaks both arms in &eak puppeteering accident Photo: Steve E^t Seconds' loss ends 'tragicomedy' Lack of turn out causes lack of scoring LSE2ndXI .................O St. Barts.....................4 Already relegated,the turn-out from the 2nd's regulars was poor.Deprived of the Fergie off-side trap,and with Pettlt unavailable to play in nets,the scoreline was kept as high as possible.Bolstered by the physical presence of Collier and Ryan in defence,and with Hitch refraining from his Hoddlesque back-passes,the 2nd's would have won had they not had just ten men. A comment on the root cause of the LSE 2nd's tragicomedy this season. Without wishing to 'bring the game into disrepute',blame the goalkeeping.Regular keeper Menno's season effectively came to a premature end agily falling down a flight of stairs. Clive Va-cher and Dave Magnusson then produced what could excusably be termed 'sun-blinding' performances.The 2nd's began to have an effect on goalkeepers like that ofthe Scottish national side. Nuttall froze on donning a 2nd's shirl.Pettit,ever the thespian, chose to re-enact the Rene Higuita - Roger Milla scene a dozen times. Menno finally returned for this game, but inconveniently had forgotten how to take goal kicks. Why then has it been Fergie who's consistently LSE All-Stars Team Beaver editors take their pick This highly successful season for the football club has meant that we feel it necessary to put together our LSE Allstar team. Pure merit will not get you in though. You need that winning combination of blatant lack of talent, lardiness, romany ancestors and above all skill out of the bottom draw of the game. We move right along. 'In one......' is the lad people thought was co-ordinated in one small area of his life, but under-estimated his genious in net. Indeed Neil 'Hopelessly Crappy' Andrews' one outing for the thirds confirmed the success of his talent bj^jass operation. Old 'Boy Blunder' descrbes himself as alternative and having seen him play, so say all of us. At rightback we see anarchist Charlie Peat. He is known for his uncompromising style, I think he should Just stick to the uncompromising bit. To be far to the lad he only really makes the side on account of being a member of a rare tribe, the last of the Mohicans. The other fullback slot goes to the mercurial scouser (there had to be one) Laurie Rj^an. Well known for his play-fair style on the pitch and Mayfair style off it, 'Rentaquote' is much admired for his lardy take no prisoners approach to the game. \\^at the kids really want to hear about is the all-singing, all-dancing centreback duo of Fergie and Gravie. With Fergie leading the way and Gravie never far behind one can only compare them to Dobbin the Rentaghost panto horse. Outpaced by a sleeping policeman, turns slower than the QE2, leaps like a salmon but heads like a fish. Sounds rather famil- iar doesn't it. At least we can depend on Fergies' one man ofiside trap which he reliably performs on his own as the rest of the team play on obliviously. Gravie has a trick or two up his sleeve when it comes to his chosen specialised subject, the back-pass. Have you ever seen his goalkick to comer move, or the head the ball over the keeper technique and his other party piece the old 'Lay it into the path of an oncoming forward'. They mean well. On the right side of midfield is Steve Tongues of Fire' Hitch. He is known for his hatred of goalies (He's not alone .Eds.),to be more specific his hatred of everything. Indeed, the lad is known as the Mike Yarwood of the squad, or is it DusUn Gee, only he still hasn't successfully managed a convicing footballer yet (Fergie does not count. Ed.). After receiving 1000 phonecalls from his friends in LSE, the sportsdesk had to include JustinTitting About'Vir. We decided that has height and his lucky heather were needed to anchor the centre of the park. To his credit, if he doesn't play well at least he can sharpen your garden tools and tarmac your drive. The left midfleld slot was a toughy, but we plumped for the silliest nickname to do a job of work for his honest crust. Shaggy the Scouse Walloon steps up in the form of Nigel Price. All hair, smiles and one more for the road, this prince among lager drinkers gets the n(^ for some outstanding work off the ball, in the Tuns. Our journey through soccer mediocraty takes us to the spearhead of this exciting line-up, the goal-getters. In terms ofgoalscoring there can only be one man for the job, LSE's very own Niall Quinn, Christian Petterson. The lad's eye for goal has meant that he plundered a stunning 0 go^s in '91-92 and one can only hop)e that this rich vein of form continues. Did he ever tell you the one about why the Volvo crossed the road ? His striking partner is none other than LSE's answer to Tom Jones, Julian Stewart. This striker cum soft-raver hypnotises opposition defences with his skills and his medallion. The only thing standing in his way according to an often quoted source are the white bits by the side of his mouth when he plays. With these two outstanding strikers goes the wide 'John Barnes' skills of Hegarty-Hagarty. He's from Leeds, he tells rude jokes and thinks a pint ofGuiness is 'Right champion'. I shall say no more about the lack of culture. Then again I might aswell,so I can mention the fact that he did actually fail to score in a brothel. Finally, on the bench is 'Super-sub' Upindah Mizrah. He gets this well earned nickname for being the only person in the his-toiy of LSE to actually turn up as sub. Known for being unknown, we had to delve deep into the archives to find any record of him, and I still don't think we spelt his name right. We would be more than grateful for any suggestions of people we have regretfully overlooked, but I think you will agree that this initial draft blends style with guile, and p)ace with grace, etc, etc, etc. Thankyou for all your help and support, and a special thanks to Brian for the best pitches in the league. taken the rap? His heading surely rivals Pettit's. Unlike Crowe, this man never falls over the ball. He beats Jules Stewart for pace. He's never missed a penalty, unlike Witts. His sense of humour on the pitch, in contrast to that of the 2nd's Germanic winger Rudi Wurzel, is in great evidence. A modest man who plies his trade with few pretences to glory, as opfKJsed to Ian "next year's 2nd's captain" Staples. An experienced regular ,an asset particularly appreciated by 'irregulars' I^der and Kaplan. A true pro. Against Bart's the LSE had only ten men. The aforementioned failed to appear... Daggers Drawn Captain Marvel takes no prisoners LSE 1st XI................2 ROYAL TREE............7 After Paris it was good to realise what we actually payed our £1 entry fee for, way back in October, namely to play hockey. Unfortunately we only had nine men and no goalkeeper. Sinking to the depths of desperation we were forced to turn to Thomas Jepson, alias AU bigmouth, arsehole and phone-breaker (minding his own business in the bar- actually making a f** of a lot of noise), to defend our pride. Who else would volunteer to have a circular, hard object projected at him at 90mph without a box? To cut a long story short we played brilliantly but lost by a huge margin- as usual. A couple of things bear mentioning however. Especially Jepsons orgasmic performance in the box- but what could you expect from the winner ofthe Danish sex symbol competition (even if he was the only entrant). The other highlight was the recognition , at last, of LSE hockey. Fame thanks to our consistantly stroppy git at centre-back, Jon Ixodes. Evidently Wye College and Royal Hospital, to name but a few, had come to admire Jon's frequent stick and whistle abuse. As I went to shake the hand of the opposing captain I was greeted with the question "So which one of yours is stroppy Tom then?" "Oh you mean Jon." I replied. "Yes that's him ." Came the answer- you can't argue with logic! The Suntan Kid Tfu 'Beaver, 9th iMarcH, 1992 HougfitonSt* 9-Camj Once again The Sun has come up trumps. The last bastion of the brltish intelligensia concerns itself not with the recession nor with the forthcoming general election. Nay. 'tis the scoop of the century. "Maggie and Major are related." Shock, horror, can we really be witnessing the resurgence of the mediaeval vagaries of nepotism? The conspiracy apparently began in 1737 with the Crust family of East Lincolnshire whose respective branches in two neighbouring villages, not content with pig farming, plotted to take over the world. Two-and-a-half centuries later the plan swang into action. Enter the Iron Lady, soon to be followed by the Plywood Man. As Mr Maj or's elder brother Teny said.The possibility of being related to Mrs Thatcher is intriguing. After all they are both great leaders. A sense of authority seems to run in the family." Absolutely. Whilst on the subject of authority a glance must aim towards the Antipodes, and in particular a lovely young man known as Keating. This particular republican has hit the headlines recently due to his treatment of the greatest "Sheila" of them all, HM Queen Elizabeth II. Harry is no subserviant monarchist, but it is a pleasure to report the dignity she maintained In "Yobbo's" presence, a dignity he could leam much from. Recent events In the World Cup Cricket would suggest however that Lizzy had the last laugh. The Empire strikes back" barmer stood loud and proud at the SCG, as the boys did the business. At this point Harry sends out an unconditional apology to Ian Botham for his comments a fortnight ago. Four wickets in seven balls and a blistering half-century are hardly the stuff of, "a fat has-been." Interestingly it wasDermott Reeve (crap name) who first described Beefy as such in a county match last season. Dermott may well become fat but I doubt he will ever be regarded as a has-been. The other major sporting attraction of the week past was the European football matches featuring Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur. Liverpool were unlucky enough to be the victims of two of the best goals of the season. EVen Shaggy and Rentaquote could scarcely feel aggrieved, football was the winner. The most controversial moment of the game was the booking of an Italian forward for ungentlemanly conduct. Rounding Hooper he appeared to be felled by the Liverpool keeper. On closer attention however it became obvious that the player had dived and the ref responded accordingly. Anyway, enough of such seriousness. Lard. Rusty Lee ( TV cook ) . Spot the cormection. Fresh from Illicit product-placing allegations she has hit the papers again. After (allegedly) calling her ex-husbands lover "a slut" the lover got her own-back by daubing "Fat Bitch" across Rusty's house. The Sun reports that in one phone-call from Rusty she said to Karlene Cole," You should be In a mental home. You have been more than a whore. You have whored off me(?). You are lower than a slut. You're a dirty low-down son of a f$*?!ng bitch. F*$£ oflT." Be careful kids. Lard has serious side-effects and may affect your behaviour. The new designer tubs are particularly dangerous as unscrupulous dealers often cut it with pastry and cream-cake residue, a police spokesman warned today. Anyway, Harry is off to the Tun's now. Don't forget all you Americans out there. If Beefy smites a French-cut but fine-leg collects and returns to the 'keepers gloves before Beefy reenters the crease, the short-leg may appeal and the umpire raise his finger. (The third episode of "Cricket for Americans" will appear next week). "My ball," shouts Stewart. "Woof," replies Webber. Photo: Paul Nugent The Ed Floyd Show Not forgetting Debbie McGee Yesterday was possibly the last game for a few members of the LSE rugby club and in order to celebrate there was a match between the 'Leavers' and the 'Stayers' or should I say Ed Floyd and the Stayers. No, to be fair to "Super Ed", not in any way related to Ed the Duck though it must be said there is a striking resemblance, he did past the ball at least once. He must have done! With an abundance of talent in the pack, and a traitor amongst their backs, (the Phantom Poet strikes again), i.e. Ben Wales who played for the leavers on account of their backs being unable to match the devastating attack of the Stayers back line (this is in no way a biased viewpoint), he leavers took to the field with the order and discipline that you would normally associate with a stampeding herd of elephants. The Stayers on the other hand had some problem leaving the changing rooms, apparentfyChidi Ofong was blocking the whole doorway whilst trying to put his boots on. Surprising I don't think sol Well the match got on the way and almost immediately it was case of, "Ed, please pass the ball to me, after all I am on your side" It was notable that Ed became more tolerant of this idea, in the second half after he was tackled by Chidi and quite a few of his own teammates applauded rather loudly. There were moments of expansive play that would made the English Rugby Union Team envious. Not least was the superb try scored by Jason Varnish who ran two thirds of the pitch with Tom Riley in close support after receiving an incisive pass from Gaiy Sweeting. The fact that Gary and Tom was on the opposing team to Jason did cause some anguish among their Stayers' teammates. Other scorers for the Leavers were Paul Jessop, Nick Carter, Ben Wales and Steve Thomas. Paul Man-son was as usual invaluable, he kicked one jjenalty and all but one of the conversions. But that one was right in front of the post, so you could not really expect him to get it! Super Ed did not score but I can assure he did try his best. Special mention must be made of Rich Stringer who unlike British Rail, did actually get there... in the end. Matt "If I wait here, the ball might come back this way" Gushing who we shall all miss next year, honest! and not forgetting Todd "the fastest prop in the US" Johnson whose smooth, siller run nearly culminated in a try and brought roars of approval from team mates and opposition alike. For the Stayers, Chidi and Adrian Surley scored tries with the kicldng duties alternating between Gary Sweeting and leuan Jones. Andrew Wise had a good game as usual and Andy Lloyd was likened to a ferret by one member of the opposing team. I'm not quite so sure was describing Ancfy's rugby pla3rlng ability, I think maybe the fact that he was seen reading Chidi's 'Daily Sport' had some influence on the description. With a final score of 31-14 to the Leavers we would like to offer special thanks to John Bradbum who actually played half a game, to Fiona MacDonald for Ijang on the grass pretending to be a spectator and to Guy Titchmarsh for not showing up, as this infinitely increased the speed of play. Nigel Boyce Stunning Sex Exclusive And Thirds play football match UCL4thXI..................4 LSE 3rd XI..................1 In the last game of the season LSE did themselves proud by turning up with 13 men. Nevertheless, when Fergie stepped of the bus at Bloomsbury with the words 'I'll swing for that f$**%@g Coxy', the lads did not reckon on coming up against man of the match "big Ken". At 6 feet 8 inches tall he struck fear into the pants of LSE. After assault and battery on Justin Vir he said "Who's got the guts to mark me then?"There were no takers. Comments like "Oi Ken, how are Matt and Luke these days?" did nothing to enhance his jo- vial spirit as he hammered home the first of his hat-trick. To LSE's credit they fought back well(-ish) and equalised when Keeble turned well and drilled a right-foot drive in off the underside of the crossbar. At half-time we did get a bit of orange at least before doing what all good teams often do. by taking off the goalscorer and bringi ng him on as refThis. combined with Kean and O'Neil our two left-footed players play-ingwide on the rightallowed UCL to play a little bit. The inevitable goal came when Keeble turned goalmaker by not giving a blatant offside allowing the UCL striker a free shot at goal. As we pushed forward for an equaliser (and to avoid Big Ken) the game really slipped through our fingers. Vir titted about once too often, leaving Ken one on one with keepjer Nuttall. To Evan's credit, he stood up well to the former Bros guitarist and the ball lobbed hopelessly over the bar which prompted a bout of w*»»»r signs behind the man-o-lard's back. This did not stop 'kebab legs' from scoring two more and sinking the not really fighting ship. At least the opposition enjoyed the af-temoon which most of our lads agreed was a Weston-Supermare of a day. For referees Rogerson and Keeble it really was a game of two halves, of£5.50 each. Nevertheless, after some protestation the money went into the players' pool and everybody got a pint (except Shaggy and Gravie who shared half a shandy between them). The season is now history for the lardy 3rds who fought like tigers for the odd game or two. It's a funny old game in which you need the rub of the green on the day. To be honest, I'm sick of cliches aswell. Three cheers for Fat Frank! Ian Staples