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14 November 2006 Issue 650 The newspaper of the LSESU
Prospects for peace in Palestine
Jet
interview
'f wrr.'/ •
PartB4-5
mCnJUfOO C&S by-election I	results annulled
^ ^ Saddam: the final a ¦ > verdict?
O Naylor drills ] W* V/fm I ^ 10 teammates
^ Beer versus wine
China and LSE: hand-in-hand?
CHINESE LEADER WHO OPENED LSE INSTITUTE UNDER TRIAL ACCUSED OF TORTURE, GENOCIDE AND CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY
eHooie
Sidhanth Kamath
Executive Editor
The senior Chinese leader who opened the Confucius Institute for Business at the London School of Economics (LSE) two weeks ago is currently under trial in Spain for genocide, torture and crimes against humanity.
Chairman . Jia Qinglin, member of the Standing Committee of the Political Bureau of the CPC Central Committee and chairman of the 10th National Committee of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference was served in Madrid in September 2004 for allegedly committing torture, genocide and crimes against humanity and is currently being investigated by the Supreme Court of Spain for his role in the prosecution of Falun Gong practitioners in China.
The Falun Gong movement, a peaceful spiritual practice based on traditional Chinese self-cultivation techniques, has become vastly popular In China in recent years evoking concern among Chinese leaders.
Atrocities committed against I^lun Gong followers have become increasingly commonplace in recent years with shock therapy and the prising out of fingernails, being among other torture methods used. Accusations of 'organ harvesting' targeting the Chinese government have also resurfaced this year, after the publication of reports highlighting the vast disparity between the number of legitimately sourced organs and the number of organ transplants carried out.
One such report published in July this year by David Matas, an international human
PartB: TheDrin Cup
rights lawyer, and David Kilgour, the former Canadian Secretary of State for Asia-Pacific, finds that 40,000 of organ transplants that took place between 2000 and 2005 have inexplicable sources. The revelations coupled with the Chinese Deputy Health Minister, Huang Jiefu's acknowledgment in 2005, of the fact that organs of executed prisoners were sold to foreigners for transplant, has caused many to call on the Chinese government to further explain the source of the vast numbers of organs available for sale.
Jia is also a close friend and protegee of former Chinese president Jiang Zemin, who initiated the prosecution of the J^lun Gong movement in 1999. He was also among the prime accused in the corruption and bribery scandal involving the Yuanhua group that hit China in the mid 1990s. Jiang's support during the time ensured that Jia was cleared of any wrongdoing and also elevated him to the post of Party chief in Beijing in 1996, when most of his crimes were allegedly committed.
Publications such as the World Organisation to Investigate the prosecution of P^lun Gong (WOIPFG)'s report on the so-called'610 Office', the government body that is responsible for prosecuting Falun Gong offenders in Beijing, implicate the city as having one of the worst records of oppression in China.
In a similar case, Jia's direct subordinate and successor as Secretary of Beijing's municipal CCP committee and former Mayor of Beijing, Liu Qi, was >^0 served with a subpoena charging him with Editorial Comment: Page 7
Photo.^;ra
LSE Director Howard Davies unveils statue of Confucius with Chairman Jia Qinglin
'Racist' research ridiculed
Patrick Graham News Editor
An academic paper recently published by Dr Satoshi Kanazawa, a Reader in Management and Research Methodology at the LSE, has been widely condemned and criticised.
In his research paper entitled 'Mind the gap...in intelligence: Re-examining the relationship between inequality and health', published in the British Journal of Health
Psychology, Kanazawa claimed that with the exception of sub-Saharan Africa, the average IQ of a nation's population has a "very strong and significantly positive effect" on all measures of health and life expectancy in that country. In the sub-Saharan nations that he investigated, he found that income inequality was a significant factor in the general population's life expectancy.
The abstract for Kanazawa's paper notes that "the data collectively suggest that individuals in wealthier
and more egalitarian societies live longer and stay healthier, not because they are wealthier or more egalitarian but because they are more intelligent."
The research paper states that greater educational opportunities do not increase the average IQ of a country and that "80 percent of variance in general intelligence is genetic." Statistics contained in the paper also imply that of the 126 countries investigated, Hong Kong has the highest national IQ, at 107, while Ethiopia, at
63, has the lowest.
Kanazawa would not comment directly on his findings to The Beaver after having been asked to do so on a number of occasions. Instead, he focused on an article published in last week's edition of The Observer newspaper which was highly critical of his research. Kanazawa claimed that the article, written by Denis Campbell, was "largely fictional" and that the jour-nalist had in fact
Editorial Comment: P.vje 7
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News; C&S
Features: Kosovo
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PartB Pages 6-
02
IBeaver|i4 November 2006
NEWS

3
C&S by-elections Unconstitutional election practice leads to nullification
Davies at UGM LSE Director speaks to students and answers questions
RISE Week RISE Against Racism week hailed a success by students
Question-Time Society holds event; Claire Short MP discusses Iraq
Oxbridge Applications use the LSE's Clement House
Roger Lewis
Oxbridge Applications, a company that focuses on training candidates for entry to the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge, is using the LSE's Clement House on the Aldwych as a venue for its training days.
An LSE undergraduate who passed by Clement House last Sunday, informed The Beaver that the front of the building was "plastered" with Oxbridge Applications' posters. The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, was concerned that the School's facilities were being used by its competitors.
Oxbridge Applications, founded by Oxford Graduate James Uffindell in 1999, states it is "research-led and uses a sophisticated network of undergraduates, recent graduates and ex-Oxbridge admissions tutors to significantly improve our clients' chances of success."
The training days claim to offer an introductory presentation on the benefits of the Oxbridge 'experience', an explanation of what candidates should be aiming for in their interviews and an intensive mock interview with a former admissions tutor.
A senior consultant at Oxbridge	Applications
explained to The Beaver, "The company works with the LSE and Imperial College since in central London they are the only institutions that are big enough and have the right facilities."
The consultant went on to say that he found it "a little odd" that the LSE were allowing their facilities to be used by the company given that the
"a little odd" that LSE allows its facilities to be used by rivals
School is competing for the same students.
A spokesperson for the School told The Beaver, "The school hires out rooms commercially to various educational institutions - and other organisations - when classrooms and lecture theatres are not in use by LSE staff and students."
"The LSE is seeking to attract the brightest students, yes, but we would encourage people to apply to universities generally. Perhaps by coming to the LSE we might even have tempted some more students to
apply to us directly," they continued.
The spokesperson added that the arrangement the School currently has with Oxbridge Applications was similar to the one in place with Birkbeck College and the Open University. Both institutions hold evening classes across the LSE campus.
But these, critics have argued to The Beaver, are purely for educational purposes and do not relate to admissions activities.
Reaction to the news among LSE students was mixed. Fiona Lam, a second-year undergraduate, told The Beaver, "I have no objection whatsoever Opposing their use of Clement House would be pedantic and pathetic."
However, Kate Egan, a masters student, argued, "I object on moral grounds. Such organisations distort the admissions process and the School should not be endorsing them by allowing them to use our facilities. It doesn't seem like a good idea."
The Sunday Times newspaper's University League Tables 2006 ranks Cambridge first, Oxford second and the LSE third among UK universities. However, the LSE's research and teaching quality are rated marginally higher.
Parish Hall opens doors to LSE students and staff
Chris Lam
Managing Editor
Parish Hall Building, which was previously home of the LSE Nursery, will now be open to student and staff use. Parts of the building will be available for booking through the LSE room bookings service. The Nursery moved out of the building at the beginning of September.
A small working group chaired by Chris Connelley, Head of the Staff Development Unit, will be meeting over the next few weeks to decide how the space will be shared. Members of the Students' Union (SU) Executive will be attempting to 'bid' for space at the meetings.
It has been reported that the Staff Development Unit intends to use some of the space for yoga classes. There will also be space dedicated for bicycle storage and a floor with changing rooms for cyclists.
Director of Estates, Chris Kudlicki, said that at the meeting at the Hall last week "everyone had expressed an interest to use the space. The Hall should be in full use from next term, all that needs doing is a lick of paint and some dec-
niotograph: Liam Chambeis
Parish Hall at night
oration."
SU General Secretary, Jimmy Tam, told The Beaver, "The SU is delighted that we will have access to an extra venue for societies and sports clubs. The meeting, at Parish Hall last week was an opportunity for the SU to view the space and survey its suitability"
"A working group is being set up between the interested parties - the SU, the Staff Development Unit and the Chaplaincy - to discuss how to renovate ttie space so it is ready
for use next term. We will keep everyone updated," he continued.
It is uncertain how much the building will help to alleviate the overcrowding issues at the LSE. As reported by The Beaver earlier in the year, the LSE has over-recruited this year, putting a strain on the already crowded facilities. At this week's Union General Meeting (UGM), LSE Director Howard Davies confirmed that the School had over-recruited by 270 students.
Sir Nick Stem reports on "Report"
Rajan Patel
Senior Reporter
Sir Nicholas Stem, former Professor of Economics at the LSE and former Chief Economist and Senior Vice-President of the World Bank, gave the first Gurukul Chevening lecture in the Old Theatre last Tuesday.
Stern's lecture, entitled 'The Stern Review on the Economics of Climate Change', consisted of a one-hour summary of his highly influential 500-page report on climate
Stern defends the economics of his climate change leport . .
change that was published last month. It had been specifically commissioned by the British government.
Stem's findings have been discussed and analysed at length in the British press in recent weeks. Certain statistics about the impact of climate change, such as the forecasted five to 20 percent reduction in global output over the next two centuries, have been derided by some as alarmist and extreme, while others have praised Stem for using new scientific data to adapt and improve existing climate change models.
Stern was at pains to point out that his report relied on "the economics of risk" and making forecasts about the distant future. He said, "When we look a long way ahead we cannot say anything much vrith certainty."
His report attempted first to identify the "disaggregated impacts" of climate change, diHerentiating between consequences for developed and developing countries, and considering the range of possible outcomes that may result from different levels of emissions and rises in temperature.
Based on these findings. Stem then provides policy suggestions for "mitigation" of climate change and "adaptation" to its consequences.
Importantly, the models he uses take into account the extreme scenarios that modem science suggests may occur
from temperature rises of five to six degrees Celsius. The higher end of the five to 20 percent reduction of global output figures, therefore, represents these extreme scenarios and examples of what could result from neglect of the issue in coming years.
Atmospheric carbon dioxide levels are currently at 430 parts per million (ppm). Stem suggests that stabilising these levels between 450 and 550 ppm would result in average warming of about three degrees. Stem claimed that this would be "risky, but far less risky than from higher concentrations" and would be achievable through "modest investments on a regular basis."
Stem argued strongly for the "externality of climate change" being given a cost and makes this the central strand of his recommendations for policy. He identified taxation, regulation and market-based approaches, such as carbon trading schemes, as being of paramount importance and emphasised the need for "credibility, flexibility and predictability" in their implementation.
He claimed that global funding for research and development needed to reach $20 billion, while the process of development for poorer countries - who Stem notes will suffer disproportionately from the costs of climate change -must be "carbon clean".
In his conclusion, Stern claimed that his model is a means of "illustrating risk". His report does not state that any particular outcome is certain, and that given the timeframes in question and the massive range of variables such pronouncements would be irresponsible. -	~
Continued from
front page
when travelling to the Winter Olympic games in the United States, primarily under the Alien Tort Claims Act and the Torture Victim Protection Act. He was subsequently convicted by Judge Wilkin of the United States District Court Northern District of Califomia of being guilty under both Chinese and intemational law.
The plaintiffs in the case filed against Jia in Spain included Zhao Ming, a former student at Trinity College in Dublin, Republic of Ireland who was arrested when he travelled to Beijing during the Christmas holidays in 1999, and held in a labour camp for "re-education through labour" because of his membership in the F^lun Gong movement.
Zhao commented: "It is good that Confucius is being recognised at the LSE, but the Chinese communist government has always damaged Chinese culture instead of promoting it. The current mainstream culture taught in Chinese schools is communist culture that has lost the original ideology and is not traditional Chinese culture."
"This regime is trying to seek recognition and intemational approval through cultural and other means. They are doing this every day. What I wish your institute would do is to help find out the truth about what is happening in China at the moment, especially [with regards to issues like] organ harvesting."
Zhao, who was held between 1999 and 2002 at the Tlian He Farm Labour Camp and was only released after extensive campaigning by humaft rights groups, and -the
LSE Director Davies and Jia Qinglin
Irish government, went further saying: "It is the government and the police system who are selling organs. More investigation needs to be done and once it is proved then the intemational community will stop befriending China. At the end of the day, the organ harvesting, killings and tortures...no government would consider it a benefit to make friends with such an evil regime which is much worse than the Nazis ever were. It is shameful and damaging of your own reputation if you do."
The School has seen a surge in demand for Chinese language classes in recent years, which led to the set up of enhanced Mandarin and Cantonese teaching facilities.
An LSE spokesperson said: "The Confucius Institute for Business, London, based at LSE, will have a particular focus on business language teaching. LSE is forging many links with universities and organisations in China, especially with Peking University and Fudan University in terms of double degrees and joint academic programmes. There are no formal links between LSE and the Chinese government and none are planned."
They- - continued, ¦- ".The
School will not comment on any legal matter, if it is still ongoing. The lawsuit filed by Falun Gong against Chairman Jia in Spain appears to date from September 2004. It is unclear what the current status of this lawsuit is."
Yet with the LSE's website continuing to state that "it remains central to LSE's mission to seek closer ties with the Chinese Government," many prominent students have ques- ' tioned the School's motives.
SU Postgraduate Officer James Caspell commented, "The visit of Jia Qinglin is just ' the latest example of the ' School's administration under- • mining our historic commit- ' ment to supporting social justice and human rights across ' the world."
Meanwhile SU Treasurer Joel Kenrick added, "While LSE's engagement with China should be welcomed, we must be extremely careful not to lose ' our objectivity. In uncritically ; welcoming someone indicted for crimes against humanity many will conclude that LSE's ¦ stated mission of seeking closer > ties with the Chinese ' Government has come at too ' high a cost."
J
NEWS
leaver] 14 November 2006
03
C&S by-election results annulled
Returning Officer rules society endorsements as violating election procedure Allegations of election fraud leave doubt over validity of results
Ali Moussavi Patrick Cullen
The by-election for the LSE Students' Union (SU)'s Constitution and Steering Committee (C&S), held during last week's Union General Meeting (UGM), has been invalidated.
The decision was made by the interim SU Returning Officer, Helen Roberts, and the SU Executive Committee, in conjunction with the former, no-confidenced C&S committee acting in an advisory role.
The nullification of the by-election was due to evidence supporting the claim that it was unfair, resulting from an endorsement email sent out by an SU society. The email in question was sent out prior to the election and endorsed three candidates.
Due to this endorsement, the election was declared unconstitutional under section 9.13.6 of the SU Codes of Practice which state that "campaigning shall not take place outside the UGM."
The Chair of the implicated society told The Beaver were completely unaware that any form of endorsement by a society was not allowed and at no point were we informed of this by either the Returning Officer or the Societies Officer. Had we been aware that it was not allowed according to the constitution, we would certainly not have sent out any such email and no further emails were sent out during the week of the by-election."
The Chair also stated his belief that "the importance of this email has been greatly overstated. Considering it was sent out over a week before, it is unlikely to have had a significant impact on the outcome."
Roberts contradicted the claim however, saying that although she decided to continue counting votes after having been initially told of the
endorsement, she had no choice but to invalidate the election results once she actually saw a copy of the email.
She told The Beaver, "When finally getting hold of a copy of the email [at 10:30 pm], I decided it was a clear endorsement. In addition, when looking at the results after finishing putting them in the computer, I could clearly see that these endorsements had affected the results of the election and so decided to declare it invalid."
However she did note that, "the endorsement appears to have been sent with no intent by the society or by the candidates."
Roberts and the Executive also decided that society endorsements will be allowed in the upcoming C&S re-election, scheduled for this Thursday's UGM. This is in contravention of the Codes of Practice. However, the decision overrides them and was taken "in order to create parity between all candidates."
Last week's count of the by-election votes was also dogged by several problems. The count, which took place in the Underground Bar, had to be held three times before being annulled due to the issue of the endorsement email.
The first round of counting resulted in the election of eight of the candidates to the C&S committee, which only has seven posts.
Roberts told The Beaver, "We did not have the electronic Single Transferable Vote (STV) licence...so I decided to do the count by hand. When we did the count by hand, there was obviously human error when eight people were elected for a seven member committee."
This led to a re-count using a computer, with a member of the Executive obtaining a license for electronic STV counting. However, following the accidental switching off of the computer the second count
also failed to produce reliable results.
During the subsequent third count, Roberts said that the computer program began to generate results that were "obviously wrong".
Meanwhile, The Beaver has also learnt of alleged fraud during the by-election. An anonymous source has claimed that they filled in six ballot papers which were lying around on the floor of the Old Theatre following the UGM. The source claims that their motivation for doing so was to find out whether they would be caught in the act or if not, "to show that the whole of the UGM and the C&S elections were a complete farce." The source also claims that they witnessed several other persons filling in extra ballot papers.
According to the source, SU Societies Officer Arthur Krebbers approached them
when they were filling out the additional ballot papers but did not stop or question them as to the nature of their actions. The source notes that it was "highly unlikely" that Krebbers could have not noticed that they were filling in more than one ballot paper
Krebbers categorically denies any knowledge of such electoral fraud. He told The Beaver that he left the UGM immediately after the proceedings - the time at which the source claims the incident took place.
It was also revealed that one of the candidates in the University of London Union (ULU) by-election, which was also held last Thursday, had subsequently lodged a complaint with the Returning Officer with regards to the multiple votes. The nature of the complaint supposedly concerns both the C&S and ULU by-elections. The complaint
was scheduled to be discussed at a C&S meeting yesterday and a decision will be made on whether to annul the results of the ULU by-election.
One of the candidates, who stood in the C&S by-election later commented on the election and the responsibility for its failure, "I think it was a tad shambolic but hopefully they'll be improved next time. I'm not going to put blame on individuals because I think everybody's worked hard to try and make it work, but I do think that its important that everybody involved learns the lessons of this time for next time."
These developments echo recent problems faced by the SU following the recent successful vote of no-confidence against C&S and the consequent constitutional problems following the resignation of former Returning Officer Wil Barber.
C&S candidates at the UGM by-election
Continued from
front page
"made up most of what he said."Kanazawa did say that he believed and trusted his paper to be accurate.
However, much of the criticism directed at Kanazawa's paper has concentrated on the data that he used to measure a country's general intelligence. Professor George Gaskell, Head of the LSE's Methodology Unit, a department in which Kanazawa teaches, told The Beaver, "Dr Kanazawa makes some very strong causal claims regarding the role of intelligence in longevity and argues that these challenge the current position in epidemiology and public health. In my opinion there are serious methodological flaws in the paper. For instance, the causal claims are based on cross-sectional data without adequate controls for other plausible explanations and the measures of intelligence are highly suspect. How should others treat the paper? Take it with a bowl, not a just a pinch, of salt."
Phillipa Atkinson, a Tutorial Fellow in the LSE's Government Department and
Chair of the LSE Students' Union (SU)'s Africa Forum - a society that promotes discussion and analysis of contemporary issues in Africa - told The Beaver that she also thought the figures Kanazawa relied upon when comparing national IQ's were highly problematic. She said, "I wonder how these figures can be calculated, and how they can be nationally comparable, although presumably there is a literature which addresses these issues. He does point out that the figures have been criticised on the basis of bias, but I would raise further issues about calculation and comparability."
"I would have thought that cultural, historical and other major differences between say Kenya and Vietnam would make valid comparisons fairly difficult. I find this method to be quite spurious, especially given that it hinges on this national IQ measure which as I say is not examined in detail in the article, and on which the entire argument really rests."
An LSE spokesperson repeated comments made by the School to the national press when they told The Beaver, "People may agree or disagree wjfll [Kan4za\«^'slfjndings,4nd
are at liberty to voice their opinions to. The School does not take an institutional view on the work of individual academics."
Megan Gaventa, Chair of SU People & Planet Society,
"In my opinion there are serious methodological flaws in the paper...How should others treat [it]? Take it with a bowl, not just a pinch, of salt."
Professor Gaskell
described the School's reaction as "disappointing." She said, "Although I respect academic freedom, with that comes responsibility - the responsibility to present valid research and to take into account the ppssiW?, pQlLtjc|Uimp9Qts .pf
conclusions drawn. Kanazawa seems to disregard both."
LSE Director Howard Davies, was also questioned on the issue during his speech at last week's Union General Meeting (UGM). Masters student, Eri Park, asked Davies what the School's position was on the issue of academic freedom and rights versus obligations. She noted that Kanazawa was being described in media as an 'LSE academic', bringing the School into disrepute.
Davies replied saying that "it has certainly created some unpleasant publicity for the School." But he said that there was nothing the School could do at a corporate level, given that the article was already published in a respected, refer-eed journal. He stated that the appropriate response was to contest the findings in the "columns of that journal".
"I don't think that it's something where the School can easily intervene. We can't unpublish something that's already been published," he continued, claiming that he was not competent to judge whether the report was "good or not."
The LSE SU is also actively campaigning against Jtbe,,
report's findings with SU Postgraduate Students' Officer, James Caspell, and Chair of LSE SU RESPECT Society, Laura Paskell-Brown, drafting a letter condemning the research.
The letter notes that "such 'research' is a clear contributing factor to a climate in which racism is still seen by some as acceptable. As representatives of the London School of Economics Students' Union we wish to challenge this 'acceptability' by voicing our disgust and condemnation of a paper published by one of our own lecturers."
It goes on to question Kanazawa's past record of publications and states, "Despite such a hideous record, those who employ Dr Kanazawa at the LSE have defended the lecturer's 'academic freedom' rather than renounce such flawed methodology and racist research. LSE's 'neutral' stance lends credibility to his study, a credibility that even his fellow academics at the LSE have privately questioned."
The letter is expected to be signed by the entire SU Executive Committee before being made public.
Union Ja^
In light of recent complaints
about Jack's conduct the
pressure has been mounting for The Beaver's premier anonymous columnist to become more accountable to the student population. Bearing this in mind Jack was momentarily tempted to present this week's column as a blog. However the fleeting inclination faded when Jack impressively realised that you can't hold yourself to account.
As encouraging a prospect as this might be for Ali Dewj-Bag, for he is the only one who finds himself even loosely tolerable (Jack's heard that even Dewj-Bag's right hand won't go near him now) he just can't do it!
Bearing the above in mind, Jack was disappointed to see that 'Death to Democracy Dewji' was not in action at this week's UGM. He urges all however	to	visit http://www.lsesu.com/main/re presentation/sabbs/comms and mock him mercilessly next week.
Fortunately for Dewfj-Bag however, the protagonists of this week's UGM managed to slump to his manure-like popularity levels and his communication (or lack of it) was obscured from public view.
Sir Santa Davies was a long way from his best and his mono-syllabic muttering was insufficient to satisfy a 'Not-always polite' Cesspit. It seems to Jack that perhaps Howie might benefit by introducing to the LSE, Bible Studies 101 -'Do unto others as you want done to yourself.'
Talking of keeping the faith, Christianity Krebbers popped his gimpish-urchin like little nose into the metaphorical political dung heap this week. Krebbers' accusations resulted in the annulling of the re-election of C&S this week. Acne Arthur callously pointed his grubby little digit in the direction of one society this week. Jack suspects that this may be a politically motivated slur owing to a lack of nomination on their part. Either way it's the fight of the century.
Last but by no means least, was the fantastic fascist feast presented by our UGM's temporary dictator, Role-Play Roberts (Well, an anonymous columnist can dream). Her Public School etiquette lessons were pushed to their limits as the AU roused the proletariat in rebellion with a raucus chorus of 'Who are you?'
Marxist overthrow or not. Jack was not disappointed with the drivelling detritus that passed themseleves off as candidates from C&S. Very few of them could manage a coherent thingy let alone an analysis of Old King Cole's Constitutional handy-work. The only nominee with a centilla of respectability was [censured]. At least we are guaranteed the joy of dismissing him once again if he gets elected.
With Roberts politely requesting the AU desist in their decibellery, the C&S by-election descended into a paper throwing frenzy - Jack feels this is good training for the road ahead.
However Returning Roberts was the target of the day: Next week Jack recommends throwing flowers and chocolate, - -.......- ------
+
04 flBeaveri 14 NdvSriber 2006
NEWS'

Sir Nick Stem reports on "Report"
Rajan Patel
Senior Reporter
Sir Nicholas Stem, former Professor of Economics at the LSE and former Chief Economist and Senior Vice-President of the World Bank, gave the first Gurukul Chevening lecture in the Old Theatre last Tuesday.
Stern's lecture, entitled 'The Stern Review on the Economics of Climate Change', consisted of a one-hour summary of his highly influential 500-page report on climate change that was published last month. It had been specifically commissioned by the British government.
Stem's findings have been discussed and analysed at length in the British press in recent weeks. Certain statistics about the impact of climate change, such as the forecasted five to 20 percent reduction in global output over the next two centuries, have been derided by some as alarmist and extreme, while others have praised Stern for using new scientific data to adapt and improve existing climate change models.
Stem was at pains to point out that his report relied on "the economics of risk" and making forecasts about the distant future. He said, "When we look a long way ahead we cannot say anything much with certainty."
His report attempted first to identify the "disaggregated
impacts" of climate change, differentiating between consequences for developed and developing countries, and considering the range of possible outcomes that may result from different levels of emissions and rises in temperature.
Based on these findings, Stem then provides policy suggestions for "mitigation" of climate change and "adaptation" to its consequences.
Importantly, the models he uses take into account the extreme scenarios that modern science suggests may occur from temperature rises of five to six degrees Celsius. The higher end of the five to 20 percent reduction of global output figures, therefore, represents these extreme scenarios and examples of what could result from neglect of the issue in coming years.
Atmospheric carbon dioxide levels are currently at 430 parts per million (ppm). Stern suggests that stabilising these levels between 450 and 550 ppm would result in average warming of about three degrees. Stern claimed that this would be "risky, but far less risky than from higher concentrations" and would be achievable through "modest investments on a regular basis."
Stem argued strongly for the "externality of climate change" being given a cost and makes this the central strand of his recommendations for policy. He identified taxation, regulation and market-based approaches, such as carbon

Stern defends the economics behind his climate change report
trading schemes, as being of paramount importance and emphasised the need for "credibility, flexibility and predictability" in their implementation.
He claimed that global funding for research and development needed to reach $20 billion, while the process of development for poorer countries - who Stem notes will suffer disproportionately from the costs of climate change -
must be "carbon clean".
In his conclusion. Stern claimed that his model is a means of "illustrating risk". His report does not state that any particular outcome is certain, and that given the timeframes in question and the massive range of variables such pronouncements would be irresponsible.
Peter Hain affirms leadership challenge
Erica Gornall
Peter Hain, the Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, spoke of a government that had tended to "listen less and lecture more"in a talk at the LSE last Wednesday. During the speech, Hain also outlined his reasons for contesting for the post of Deputy Leader of the Labour Party.
In the speech to the LSE Students' Union (SU) Labour Society, and earlier in an interview with PuLSE FM and Loose TV, Hain felt that the direction of the party needed to be re-established and renewed if it is to stand a chance of winning in the next election. Hain admitted, "Yes, we've made mistakes, yes there have been arguments about some of the things we've done, like on Iraq."
However, he was also quick to add that despite "the mistakes and the differences and the divisions that may have been created around some of our policies", the majority of policies that Labour had taken forward "is a fantastic record."
Hain is one of many to announce that he will be joining the race for the position of Deputy Leader of the Labour Party, along with confirmed candidates Hilary Benn, Alan Johnson, Jon Crudders and Harriet Harman.
Speaking about Labour's attitude over recent years, Hain said, "the longer we've been in power, we have tended to listen less and lecture more." On the decision over the Trident, a
proposed new nuclear weapon for the UK, Hain argued "that decision should have been taken, not by a couple of cabinet ministers in private but through open debate in the party and in wider society."-This criticism comes at a time when the race for change in leadership of the Labour Party is in full swing.
Talking about his own vision for the future of the party, Hain wanted to renew the party into a "progressive party" and one that includes more of the members in a more inclusive manner. "I think," he said, "that's the way in which we should take the government in the future, by renewing the whole of the govemment from top to bottom and operating on a basis of partnership."
Global issues as a hot topic in the political sphere permeated his speech and he criticised David Cameron for his policies on cutting emissions. "It's easy, as David Cameron has proposed, to stick £20 or so on an easyJet flight," Hain argued, "but does anyone think there are going to be fewer passengers on those flights? Course there won't. It will still be pouring out the same emissions."
Questions over the Living Wage Campaign at the LSE were greeted enthusiastically by Hain, who felt that the implementation of the living wage was only the start. "We built a floor on the minimum wage, but we need to build on that," he said, adding that the Labour vision of a university also includes the people that work there.
MPs visit LSE for Question Time
+,
Danielle Priestley
The LSE Students' Union (SU) Question Time Society's first debate of the year took place last Thursday. The panel included Labour MP and former Environment Minister, Michael Meacher, Conservative MP, Peter Bottomley, Director of the New Politics Network, Peter F^cey, and Editor of the Islamic political magazine New Civilisation, Sajjad Khan.
The opening question invited the panellists to sh3re their views on the recent American mid-term elections, which led to analysis of the performance and resignation of former US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and comments on the future of US involvement in Iraq,
In response to a comment made by a member of the audience on Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses, the broad consensus among the panel was that free speech has to be tolerated until the point at which it begins to incite hatred or violence.
The issue of the British govemment's recent appeal to universities to "monitor" Muslim students brought some fierce criticism. Meacher claimed that the UK was "slipping" towards becoming an authoritarian state at the cost of civil liberties.
However, Bottomley was more sympathetic to the idea of L--i5 i'vi"". Srv"-."'
Russell Group appoints Director
Micliael Meacher, Peter Bottomley, Peter E^cey, Sajjad ^an and others prepare for questions
teachers "intervening" when they suspect students of breaking the law, in the same way that neighbours are expected to "monitor" one another. In order to illustrate this point he produced a whistle from his pocket, which he said he blows whenever he sees anyone acting in an anti-social or illegal manner, such as "standing on the wrong side of the escalator on the underground."
On the subject of the impending execution of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, the panel was divided. Strong objections to the death penalty,
misgivings about the trial itself and a general abomination of Hussein were shared.
For example, Khan claimed that although the trial process was not carried out in the correct manner, the verdict itself was right. Facey said that although he disapproved of the death penalty, he would not "shed any tears" if and when Hussein is executed.
Meacher pointed out that because of the way in which the former	dictator
"sadistically... tortured, maimed and executed" ordinary Iraqis and committed .
genocide on a massive scale, the situation surrounding his trial is "utterly different" to any other.
Chair of the Question Time Society, Alex George, admitted that although the audience turnout could have been better, he expected this to improve in future. He said, "I was pleased with the flow of the debate and the way in which the panellists interacted with the audience. I think a large part of this stemmed from the fact that we had a very diverse panel." He also praised the society's new committee members.
Doug Oliver Senior Reporter
The Russell Group, which represents Britain's top research-led universities and includes the LSE, last week announced new management changes and the expansion of its membership to twenty-
The changes were, according to Russell Group Chair Professor Malcolm Grant, "evidence of the determination of the Russell Group to lead in the representation of the interests and values of the large research-intensive universities in the UK."
The organisation, whose members also include Oxbridge, UCL and Warwick, is aimed at improving the research activities of Britain's top universities. As such, it has been one of the leading voices calling for the introduction of top-up fees as a means of tackling university finance problems.
For the first time, the organisation will have a Director General, who was announced as Dr Wendy Piatt.
Piatt, a former head of education at the Institute of Public Policy Research (IPPR) and current Deputy Director in the
Prime Minister's Strategy Unit,; will take her post in the new year. During her time working for New Labour think tank IPPR, Piatt, a former Labour local election candidate, helped produce an influential 2001 report calling for the introduction of higher fees to tackle higher education shortfalls and to assist universities seeking to widen participation amongst under-represented groups.
It was also announced that Queen's University Belfast would join the existing 19 members of the group. Queen's, according to a statement by the Russell Group, has a "long and proud tradition as a major civic, and research-intensive institution."
Professor Peter Gregson, Queen's Vice-Chancellor, announced his delight, commenting that membership would provide "recognition of the outstanding achievements of our staff and will enhance Queen's experience for future generations of students."
Grant concluded that the changes were important steps toward the creation of a "proactive organisation seeking to, create important policy leads in key areas of relevance to, higher education,"	,
NEWS
leaver] 14 November 2006
05
RISE week cooks up a storm	™
Doug Oliver Senior Reporter
Last week's LSE Students' Union (SU) 'RISE Against Racism' week, was widely hailed as a success by both students and SU officers. The annual campaign week, aimed at promoting tolerance and cultural understanding, represents one of the key campaigning initiatives of the SU year.
The highlight of the week, the RISE Food F^ir, was celebrated as a particular success and much praise was given to SU Anti-Racism Officer, Shanela Haque. Twenty-eight national and cultural societies sold a range of international food, representing a variety of international delicacies and customs, during the event held in the Quad on Monday evening.
The event was described by SU Treasurer, Joel Kenrick, as "without doubt the most successful in my time at LSE", and participating students were also generous in their praise. Second-year undergraduate Massimo Ungaro of the Italian Society said that it was "great...and very crowded - we made lots of money. I strongly believe that inter-cultural dialogue can be achieved through	gastronomic
exchanges."
F^dhil Bakeer-Marker, SU International Students' Officer, congratulated Haque for the success of the event which he said "showcased the diversity we celebrate at this great insti-
tution", adding that he looked forward to a similar event during Global Week next term.
Some who worked on stalls claimed the event was not just a success for culinary reasons. Ziyaad Lunat of the Palestinian Society argued that "the general impression was that the motivation of people visiting our stall was mainly related to what is happening in Gaza at the moment," and that the number of people eating their food "acted as a barometer to measure LSE public opinion towards the Palestinian cause."
The event was overshadowed beforehand by the SU's controversial decision to ban alcohol during the F^ir. Several students queried the move, which some believe contradicted the stated aim of promoting tolerance and understanding of different cultures.
SU Education and Welfare Officer, Alexandra Vincenti, explained the ban was agreed on after complaints. Haque said that most societies were understanding when they were told that alcohol was not going to be allowed and were "more than willing to concentrate on just selling food."
Other events held during the week included an inter-society painting session held in the Quad on Wednesday, where different societies were asked to create an image defining their respective cultures. The work will he finished on Wednesday this week.
The week concluded with a showing of Roman Polanski's 2002 Oscar-winning film 'The Pianist', which charted the fortunes of a Jewish piano player

Erica Gornall
.. iiM
Food li terved In the Quad for RISE Food Fair
during the Nazi occupation of Poland.
Haque concluded that the week, and the Food Fair in particular, "helped to build bridges and increase under-
standing between different cultures as well as celebrate the fantastic diversity that we have at the LSE."
Claire Short MP discusses long term implications of Iraq War
Rajan Patel
Senior Reporter
Claire Short, Member of Parliament (MP) for Birmingham Ladywood, delivered a lecture entitled 'The Long Term Implications for Development of the War in Iraq' in the Hong Kong Theatre last Monday.
A former Secretary of State for International Development, Short is widely known as a vocal critic of the war in Iraq and the subsequent occupation of the country by the US and the UK.
However, she did not choose to explain at length her recent decision to give up the Labour whip in the House of Commons, instead delivering a lecture that focused heavily on concerns about the development and the consequences of modem Anglo-American foreign policy.
•Short claimed that the world now faces "existential challenges and crises" such as global warming, overpopulation, and the spread of disorder that could threaten to bring an end to human civilisation.
In order to address these problems, the former Minister called for an end to unilateral approaches and claimed that a "new model of what it requires to live in a developed countiy".
is required. Short prioritised the building of multilateral consensus on how best to deal with, for example, environmental issues.
Expanding on this theme, she argued that Western ideas of development have traditionally been based on overcon-sumption and unsustainable practices, and that China and India's industrialisation is a response to this Western model.
However, the former Minister reserved her most scathing remarks for Anglo-American foreign policy, criticising "incompetence in policy making" in Afghanistan and lamenting the role played by "pre-emptive unilateralism" in Iraq in undermining the authority of the United Nations (UN).
She claimed that the Sudanese government's perception of the UN as a tool of the USA was the main reason behind its reluctance to accept peacekeeping forces to administer Darfur.
It was also asserted that, prior to the war in Iraq, US Vice-President Dick Cheney had described regime change as a "side benefit" to the real purpose of invasion, which was "the establishment of permanent military bases in Iraq."
With this in mind. Short said that she was unconvinced by trans-Atlantic talk of exit
'^lotograph: John Philpott
S' •

Short voiee8 eone«m over reeent
strategies, suggesting instead that the USA's desire for a military presence in the Gulf necessitated a long-term involvement in Iraq. Short said that the situation in Iraq was now exacerbating "the endless suffering of the Palestinian people" by further destabilising the region.
Anglo-Amerlean foreign policy
However, reiterating her earlier emphasis on the need for a new, multilateral approach to global issues, she said that she was hopeful that this new way could properly address some of the crucial issues that the world faces today.
Dr Anne Bohm, a distinguished former LSE staff member, recently passed away at the age of 96. Born in Germany, Bohm arrived at the School in 1942 as a research assistant and later became Secretary of the Graduate School.
During her time at LSE, the size of the Graduate School increased dramatically. However, Bohm is remembered as having gone to great efforts to ensure that the needs of each student were met.
Bohm, who later became a 'roving ambassador' for the School, was described as being more "sympathetic to the student than the students' advocate" in an obituary published in The Guardian.
Even after retirement in 1977, she devoted her time to the LSE, becoming an honorary fellow in 1978. Additionally, she became an OBE in 1991 and was awarded the Brazilian Order of Rio Branco in October 2002.
Perhaps the most enduring memory of the contribution she made to the School is the founding of the Anne Bohm Scholarship, established in the summer of 2000. The scholarship consists of an alumni-

Anne Bohm
supported fund for Masters students taking a full-time one-year course who would otherwise have been unable to paj their tuition fees.
In a tribute to Bohm Emeritus Professor Basil Yamej remarked: "The increasing pressures on the uncomplainini Anne were evident to her colleagues from the piles of green-covered student files on he) desk and around her chair. Anne always had ample time for thost with real problems, to advise intervene, encourage and helj them, if necessary with candic criticism."
Yamey	continued
"Wherever she went, she wa: warmly welcomed by many she had helped and befriended a' the School."
In memory of George Goetschius
Erica Gornall
George Goetschius, an influential sociologist and former LSE teacher, died at the age of 83 last month.
Well known for his work with the English Stage company, his work at the LSE was also significant.
The LSE was Goetschius' focus later in his career, where he took up a post from 1960 to 1973. While at the School he published two influential books. Working with Unattached Youth: Problem,
Approach, Method, in 1967 and Working with Community Groups in 1969.
Goetschius was known in his early years for campaigning on behalf of the poor throughout the USA and Europe. After his education at New York University, he became programme director of Hamilton and Madison House settlements, a charity designed to help those living in Manhattan's less affluent East Side. Later imder the wing of Danilo Dolci, a prominent social activist, he campaigned further for the poor in Europe.
He was nominated for a Nobel Prize on two occasions.
Polly Courtney holds book signing
Vishial Banerjee
Polly Courtney, who featured in PartB of The Beaver earlier this month, held a book signing at the LSE last Thursday.
The Cambridge engineering graduate spoke passionately about her experience in "the bubble of the city", revealing the truth behind the fast paced lives that top graduates are often part of in investment banking. Her audience was largely composed of LSE undergraduates, many of whom confessed a desire to work in a similar field.
Her book, 'Golden Handcuffs: The lowly life of a high flyer', chronicling her
Courtney at her book ligning
work at banking firm Merrill Lynch, has already sparked controversy but received praise from many critics. It documents the lives of Abby and Mike, two ambitious youngsters in a fabricated investment bank in London. Polly, now 26, is the author of another unpublished novel, Fourplay.
COMMENT&ANALYSIS
06 IBeaverl 14 November 2006
COMMEN

ANALYSIS
What the UGM does for you. Or not
Election Candidate
Last week, The Beaver Editorial suggested that the UGM was doing nothing for Joe Student, so I went and interviewed Joe about his views on our weekly Union meeting. This is the transcript:
EC: So. Joe: the UGM -what do you think it does for you?
JS: Honestly, I don't think it does very much. I mean, I drink occasionally in the Hins, I'm a member of a couple of societies and I go to the Quad Cafe every now and again, but I don't think the politics side of the SU really has anything to do with these. I went to the UGM a couple of times this year, and, to be honest, I
thought it was a shambles.
EC: Shambles? Come on, at worst it was controlled chaos...!
JS: Well, you UGM regulars might think it's controlled, but it seemed almost ungovernable to me.
EC: Erm, ok. So who do you think caused all this?
JS: Difficult to tell, really. But as far as I could see, the room contained about three different types of people: the hacks...
EC:... people like me...
JS:... yep, the guys on the balcony, and there were a few mildly interested students like me.
EC: Pair assessment. What do you think the hacks did to cause this "shambles"?
JS: Honestly, I think they took the whole thing far too seriously. Some of them - especially those guys down at the front - just need to get a little perspective.
EC: I think you're talking
about C&S, and that includes me.
JS: Er... Sorry. No offence.
EC: None taken. So what about the guys on the balcony?
JS: Well, I think they have the opposite problem. I got the feeling that there was some stuff in the UGM that was important, and it just got completely overlooked because of all the seemingly drunken heckling and paper throwing.
EC: Ah, paper throwing. I vowed never to write anything else about it, but I guess it'd be ok to ask your opinion.
JS: Well, first I think it's been made into a mountain from its mole-hill beginnings. I see that there are a few people who love to throw paper, but I sat up on the balcony the second time I went to the UGM and - as far as I could see -there were only about six or seven people actually throwing paper. If these people staying away will kill the UGM then I have to say I think it's
already in trouble.
EC: Ok. Leaving aside the paper, a lot of people have been talking about methods of improving the attractiveness of the meeting. What are your thoughts?
JS: Hmmm. <pause> Well I was there the week the arms trade motion was debated. That was really fun. And it's something I think a lot of students would have an opinion on around campus - so that was a case of the Union really being the main forum of debate about policy in the Union. But then there was also that motion on the use of the word "gay", and it fell without even a speech against. How is that sensible debate? So, yes, I suppose my suggestion for improving the UGM is to get more decent debates going.
EC: Some have suggested that the Media Group have a role to play in promoting the UGM to students. What do you think?
JS: Well, I haven't seen a huge amount of stuff about the meeting in The Beaver, or while heard very much while sitting in the Quad and listening to PuLSE. But then, if the UGM got sorted out and was actually a decent forum, it might be easier to promote.
EC: Ok, thank you. Is there anything else you'd like to add about the UGM?
JS:Yes. I can't help noticing that a lot of our executive are second years, and I think they might be a bit worried about causing a stir. It'd be nice if more of them stood up and debated motions; especially since they're the ones who are supposed to be aware of the issues and representing student opinion.
EC: Thanks Joe; look forward to seeing you at the UGM on 1pm on Thursday.
JS: Yep. I'll be the one shouting you down.
This interview was completely fictional.
LSE's Bloodied Hands ftapKrivisT
^	(M'ihe/nvnionthe07:iwdi€ni.
huMufJi
Leeshai Lemish
Director Howard Davies probably didn't know he was shaking hands with a man charged with torture and genocide. Now he knows, so the question is what the LSE will do with this knowledge and how should the bloodstains be washed off from the school's palms.
It seemed innocent enough - a top Beijing official posing with Davies in front of a statue of the Chinese sage, celebrating a new Confucius Institute. But what's wrong with this picture? First, the official is the defendant in a torture and genocide lawsuit. Second, the Communist Party Jia representatives slandered Confucius and smashed his statues - now it's giving the LSE a Confucius statue? And third, the LSE's wooing a foreign government is unbecoming of an academic institute.
In September 2004, torture victims filed the lawsuit in Spain, claiming Jia has been a leading advocate of the campaign against Falun Gong. Spain's Supreme Court is now investigating his case.
A paper trail of Jia's speeches leaves little doubt of his guilt. In 1999, former Communist Party head Jiang Zemin launched the persecution of the popular Falun Gong, a peaceful spiritual practice based on traditional Chinese self-cultivation techniques. Jia quickly demanded that cadres at all levels enforce Jiang's campaign. In 2002, he made eradicating F^lun Gong one of Beijing's top five priori-
ties.
Jia was Beijing's Party Secretary from 1999 to 2002. The scenes of women practicing Falun Gong's soft exercises on Tiananmen Square and being kicked by policemen, of a man's head being crushed under a policeman's shoe, and of foreigners like myself being arrested and beaten in Beijing all occurred under Jia's watch. Under Jia, reports of Falun Gong deaths from torture streamed from Beijing. This, Davies and the LSE shoiild have known.
P^lun Gong is probably the largest group tortured in China. Two thirds of the U.N. Special Rapporteur on Torture's report on China, for instance, consists of Falun Gong cases. The torture methods are extreme: shocking sensitive body parts with multiple electric batons; hanging people from their wrists for hours or prying their fingernails out with sharpened bamboo shoots; raping women and shoving cleaning brushes up them.
Genocide is generally more difficult to prove than torture, but the case for calling this persecution genocide is, unfor-timately, becoming stronger. In March, a former Chinese hospital employee revealed that
practitioners I were being ¦: carved up for on-demand 1 organ trans-plants. She V , ' 4 said that in one hospital alone, her husband removed the corneas from the living, anesthetised bodies of 2,000 Falun Gong practitioners.
Two prominent Canadians have since corroborated her claim. They couldn't account for 40,000 transplanted organs which they suspected came from Falun Gong prisoners of conscience. The "Kilgour and Matas Investigative Report," available online, includes items like phone transcripts of Chinese doctors admitting they have healthy Falun Gong practitioners ready to be killed for their livers.
Now, assume Jia were an innocent Chinese official not responsible for atrocities. Still, the Confucius Institute is a bad joke. Not that there's anything wrong with studying Chinese. I wouldn't have spent five learning Chinese without deep respect for the Chinese language, culture, and people.
But under Mao Zedong and the Communist Party, Confucian scholars were killed, books burned, and statues smashed. Then, perhaps the best show of appreciation for Jia's gift would be for LSE students to, in Communist Party tradition, take a sledgehammer to the new Confucius statue.
Some argue China is no longer communist and the Cultural Revolution is long gone. Market economy aside.
Hacktavist has received news that will blast the next year's race for Gen Sec out of the water. After finally realising that he is, in fact, one of the least popular members of the student population, Korporate Krebbers is not going to run in next terms elections, choosing instead to do a Masters (MSc How to hide Financial Korruption). Perhaps he thinks another year will provide him with a new supply of Eacebook friends, after so many deserted him shortly before Michelmas elections. Even though he wasn't a candidate in last weeks farcical by-election, Korporate Krebbers still managed to get himself in trouble over vote rigging. His record would make Jeb Bush look like an amateur
Administering last week's by-election was our very own KathenneHams^hougM^^ai^
China is still run by a Leninist, one-party system that tolerates no rivals, censors the press, and locks political prisoners in labour camps without trial. Chinese students still join the Communist Youth League, and cadres still swear allegiance to the red flag with their fists in the air. China has changed, but the regime still treats millions of innocent people brutally - ask Falun Gong practitioners, Tibetans, or House Christians; ask workers who have no pension, villagers who have no land, and AIDS patients who have no hope.
And, finally, why is the LSE courting this regime and playing its game? LSE's is the 80th Confucius Institute established since 2004, and the Communist Party aims to establish 1,000 by 2020. What's the rush? What's the real agenda?
And why is it "central to LSE's mission to seek closer ties with the Chinese Government"? Why would an academic institute seek closer ties with an authoritarian
Harris had more success in preventing black people from voting than "Racist" Roberts could ever hope to achieve, although she did manage to annul the elections to gain some more attention. Like Harris, "Racist" Roberts also failed in her assigned mission, since she is still labouring at a 100 friends on F^cebook.
Hacktavist has been given information which suggests Deliver will be back to claim his crown of Returning Officer in time for the Lent elections which are already looking like the grand finale in the series of stupidity, that this union has come to expect from its elected officials. Looks like there is no-one who can stop Zoe 'Illegally Blonde' Sullivan dumbing down the union.
Do you love free speech too? hacktavist®telli^thegossi
regime? Is the LSE also seeking closer ties with the governments of Pakistan, Cambodia, and Zimbabwe? Is the LSE selling its soul?
I'm no expert on removing bloodstains, but here are two ideas: How about announcing on the LSE homepage that the school didn't mean to warmly welcome someone on trial for genocide? Or, how about a letter to Jia Qinglin, also posted to the LSE Website, saying that the persecution of F^lun Gong runs completely counter to the values of freedom and tolerance the LSE espouses?
It is my bet that, in our lifetimes, the Communist Party will no longer rule China and the campaign against Falun Gong will end. By then our apologies for inviting genocidaires to our school will help no one.
Leeshai Lemish, who recently completed an MSc in International Relations at the LSE, warmly welcomes feedback from Davies, Chinese students or anyone interested in discussing this at: L.S.Lemish@LSE.ac.uk.
•A U iJ i> )1 It I. 1 J
EXECUTIVE EDITOR
Sidhanth Kamath
MANAGING EDITOR
Chris Lam
SECRETARY
Lucie Goulet
BUSINESS MANAGER
Ismat Abidi
NEWS EDITORS
Patrick Graliam; Tanya Rajapakse; Tim Root
FEATURES EDITORS
Ben Biggs;
Fatima Manji
PART B EDITORS
Kevin Perry;
Daniel B. Yates
SPORTS EDITORS
Joey Mellows;
Laura Parfitt
GRAPHICS SUB-EDITOR
Aditi Nangta
PHOTOGRAPHY SUB-EDITOR tiam Chambers
C&A SUB-EDITOR Simon Douglas
Editorial Assistant
Christine Whyte
THE COLLECTIVE:
Chairperson: AlexTeytelboym Raihan Alfarldhi; Ross Allan; Andhalib Karim; Sam Ashton; Sancha Sainton; Fadhil Bakeer-Markar; Wil Barber; Alex Barros-Curtis; Rothna Begum; Ruby Bhavra; Neshy Boukhari; Clem Broumley-Young; Sam Burke; Andy Burton; Sumit Buttoo; Ed Calow; James Caspell; Claire Cheriyan; Simon Chignell; Dave Cole; Chris Colvln; Laura Coombe; Richard Coopey; Owen Coughlan; Peter Currie; Patrick Cullen; James Davies; Michael Deas; Laura Deck; Ali Dewji; Kanan Dhru; Jan Daniel Dormann; Matt Dougherty; Sian Errington; Michael Fauconnler-Bank; Aled Dllwyn Fisher; Alex George; Ben Gianforti; Rupert Guest; Steve Gummer; Andrew Hallett; Charlie Hallion; Chris Heathcote; Josh Heller; Phil Hutchinson; Stacy-Marie Ishmaei; William Joce; Lois Jeary; Laleh Kazemi-Veisarir Joel Kenrtck; James Ketteringham; Arthur Krebbers; Sanjivl Krishnan; Ben Lamy; Charles Laurence; Roger Lewis; Shu Hao Don LIm; Elaine Londesborough; Ziyaad Lunat; Clare Mackie; Rtshi Madlani; Kim Mandeng; Jami Makan; Joey Mellows; Jessica McArdle; Ju McVeigh; Sophie Middlemiss; Daisy Mitchel-Forster; Ali Moussavi; Chris Naylor; Doug Oliver; Erin Orozco; Aba Osunsade; Rob Parker; Matthew Partridge; Rajan Patel; Keith Postler; Mark Power; John Philpott; Joe Quaye; Prashant Rao; Gareth Rees; Louise Robinson; Olivia Russo; Jimmy Tam; Alex Teytelboym; Angus Tse; Molly Tucker; Vladimir Unkovski-Korica; Louise Venables; Alexandra Vincenti; Claudia Whitcomb; Greg White; Amy Williams; Yee To Wong; PRINTED BYTHE NORTHCUFFE PRESS if you have written three or more articles for The Beaver and your name does not appear in the Collective, please email:
thebeaver.editor^!se.acMk and you will be added to the list in next week's paper.
The Beaver is available in alternative formats. The views and opinions expressed in the Beaver are those of the contributors and not necessarily those of the editors or the LSE Students' Union
ti-.i.-1-u. J	o (i e n 7*. u
COMMENT&ANALYSIS
IBeaver |14 November 2006 107
COMMENT
"O
GL
ANALYSIS
leaver
Established 1949 - Issue 650
It's Africa's Gack of) intelligence that makes it poor...
...is a morally dubious opinion for any academic, however outspoken, to pose
This newspaper has always placed a strong emphasis on the recognition and promotion of free speech and academic freedom. Yet, it feels compelled to stress that the ideas and insinuations posed in a recent research paper by Dr Satoshi Kanazawa of the LSE's Institute of Management are highly controversial and potentially dangerous. There is a compelling need for the issue to be urgently addressed by the School.
Kanazawa's claim that intelligence; as measured by IQ tests is the most important factor on an individual's health and ".. .individuals in wealthier and more egalitarian societies live longer and stay healthier, not because they are wealthier or more egalitarian but because they are intelligent," gives rise to the suggestion that the underdeveloped nations of the world are personally responsible for problems of ill-health in the population.
Other academics at the LSE have rightly been critical of Kanazawa's findings; both for being methodologically dubious and for his lack of consideration of cultural and historical factors when conducting comparisons of different coimtries.
More concerning is the social impact of the article in question. Kanazawa goes further to claim that Ethiopia has the world's lowest national IQ of 63 and thus the fact that the average Ethiopian only lives up to their mid-40s is proof that intelligence is the main determinant of health. Such a view is dangerous firstly because it bears close resemblance to eugenic and racialist theories of the past, which have been used to legitimize racist regimes from that of the Nazis as well as to supporting and supplementing acts of genocide. Secondly the implications that such research could have on the international commimity's attitude towards Africa is worrying.
In light of this, the School needs to adopt a clear policy to deal with the controversial ideas Kanazawa presents. Suppression of an academic's freedom to voice his research and findings is not the answer. It is vital that all academics are able to present and criticize ideas freely in our community. Certainly it is crucially important that alternative research attempts to discredit such controversial ideas.
However, there is a certain amount of credibility that Kanazawa is currently gaining, being associated as he is, with the LSE brand by default, thus making it imperative that the School distances itself from the comments made.
Furthermore as a university, founded on socialist principles, it is important the School also highlights its own commitment to recognising that global economic inequality; produced both by colonialism and the dominance of negligent multinational corporations of the free market era and coupled with the rampant corruption in the continent, is the real reason for poor health of many African nations.
Inviting a controversial Chinese official over...
...to open an institute at the School leaves too many stomachs feeling queasy
The School's decision to invite an official from an authoritarian government, who has been repeatedly accused of torture and genocide to open the new Confucius Institute is highly confusing and deeply worrying.
In the first place, it seems strange for the School to seek association with Jia Qinglin; a man who is allegedly responsible for a stupendous number of deaths, through extreme torture methods conducted by the Chinese government.
For a representative of a party that has long gone on the rampage against Confucius' ideologies and resorted to smashing the scholar's statues outright, the smiling inauguration of a similar effigy by Jia, is even more puzzling.
Jia's torturous legacy to the great city of Beijing, his close friendship with the arch-nemesis of Falun Gong; former president Jiang Zemin and the conviction of his direct subordinate Liu Qi for the same allegations that are levelled against him, is surely enough to disqualify him as a candidate for opening institutes anywhere in the world, forget the LSE.
The question arises as to whether the School were aware of Jia's appalling record of torture. It is vmlikely that an institution of such high academic repute could be so naively ignorant of the Chinese government's activities. If the LSE was aware of the appalling facts, is it then appropriate to knowingly invite such a man, at an event where Chinese students were also present; some of whom may well be Mun Gong practitioners themselves or have been affected in the past; directly or indirectly by the Communist Party's brutal torture and suppression methods?
The insinuations are alarming; on the one hand a case of extremely poor research on Jia, on the other, an extremely poorly made decision to invite Jia. Hardly an attractive choice.
Not only is this a public relations disaster for the LSE, but it also underlines the hypocrisy exercised by an institution which claims to espouse freedom of speech while associating itself with a regime that believes in suppressing fundamental human freedoms.
Letters to the Editor
The Beaver offers all readers the right to reply to anything that appears in the paper. Letters should be sent to thebeaver.editor@l$e.ac.uk and should be no longer than 250 v/ords. All letters must be received by 3pm on the Sunday prior to publication. The Beaver reserves the right to edit letters prior to publication.
I'm not horrible
Dear Sir
Last week you printed a slew of petty, false and misleading allegations about me from anonymous sources, which painted me as a horrible Sabbatical Officer. You mentioned the Students' Union Handbook, without mentioning that I have added new sections, radically improved the design and had its distribution increased to 6,000 copies; that I have done the same for the International Students Handbook and the Women's Handbook; and that I helped create the first ever Societies Handbook. You blamed me at length for the failings of the SU Website that I inherited when I took office, without mentioning that I am the person who launched and is leading the redesign to fix these problems. You mentioned the Global Email, without mentioning the fact that I have radically improved it's content and design this year and added a new section at the top, while generating enough revenue from it to fund 10 society budgets.
Most irresponsibly, you only printed comments from those Executive Officers who were willing to comment negatively on my performance. You didn't even mention the fact that several officers refused to cooperate with your 'investigation' because they realized you were not interested in printing anything positive. You even wrote your editorial before asking me for my response to the allegations! I have worked enormously hard for this Union, regardless of whether you measure that in hours spent working or results achieved and I deserve better from your newspaper.
Ali Dewji
LSESU Communications Officer
"because it pleases"
Dear Editor,
Rosamund Urwin's article ('Reiss in the Middle East', Part B) shocked me with its appallingly outdating and restrictive views of 'feminine' and 'masculine' dress. While her send-off line asserted that women should 'dress for themselves', the main body of the article was a polemic against women wearing trouser suits. She argued that the dark colours equalled sobriety, while stiffness was conno-tative of moral decency, while tightness symbolises self-control. Urwin then made the audacious claim that these characteristics constitute a stereotypical image of masculinity. Ah, so women, being the opposite sex must in turn be slightly frivolous, morally indecent creatures without self-discipline. That sounds about right, doesn't it? What about the darkness of women's other clothes, both historically and of the present day? What about the tightness of corsets? What about the stiffness of whalebone, high heels and belts? How exactly are these any different?
Ladies, 'dress for yourselves'. Wear whatever makes you feel good- whether that's a result of someone's admiration, respect or acceptance for what you wear or simply because it pleases your internal aesthetic judgement.
Sophie Knight
"danger to society"
Dear Sir
Having observed some of the characters that unfortunately run our union I would like to express my concerns on their opinions and attitudes. There seems to be a lot of
hypocritical single mindedness spreading through our exec which is slightly worrying, especially since we are meant to be reasonably intelligent individuals here. Those who preach human rights are exactly those who use intimidation and aggression to get their points across. They speak with such self righteousness that anyone who is slightly timid would be petrified at expressing an opposing opinion (and of course if you do you are branded a sexist, racist or diasab-list). So desperate is their quest to protect anyone hard done by that these fighters for the planet will over exaggerate the tiniest situation.
To make observational fun at someone is "disgraceful" and "appalling". There is no point in naming names as they would feel that I am being slanderous, but actually I don't seem to have to name names. They are of course so important that we all know who they are! It is people like this that are a danger to society. Their "with us or against us" attitude scare people into applauding them and their constant anger makes them seem like they really care. At the end of the day all they care about is scaring off the opposition when they run for sabbatical positions so they can waste more time thinking up ridiculous one sided arguments for their causes. If they actually used their brains that got them into this university maybe they would achieve something.
Carol Smith
"nothing in Marx"
Dear Sir
The article entitled "The Environmentalist Agenda" is utterly self-contradictory and makes bizarre assertions about "socialist enviroiunentalism", or eco-social-ism.
The writer conflates eco-socialism with Leninist Soviet Communism. However, there is nothing in Marx's writings, which inspire eco-socialists, on aspects of the Leninist system such as bureaucratic planned economies. The author claims that "state regulation" is the "cornerstone of socialism" - while this may be true of inflexible Leninism, it misrepresents democratic socialism.
Eco-socialists see capitalism as the cause of environmental degradation and inequality and believe that infinite growth is impossible on a finite planet. Corporations, compelled to pursue profit, ignore the 'negative externalities' of their avarice, with untold impacts on society.
Eco-socialists want to build a society that values equity and sus-tainability over abstract exchange-values, where people are reengaged with the means of production (including the planet!) and have a participatory role in decision-making. Eco-socialism goes beyond the market and the state, seeking grass-root, creative ways of building a decentralised society.
The writer is completely contradictory, stating, "you can't make a company care more about 'green' issues anymore than you can make atheists believe in... God", before going on to suggest that we should "channel [our] efforts in educating people". This misses the point - we need to radically challenge the underlying assumptions of capitalism, not hope for individualistic or corporate generosity.
Eco-socialism has nothing to do with authoritarian Soviet Socialism, and I doubt anyone would take issue with its main tenets - sustainability, social justice, peace, and participatory
Ah gets the paper...
f
democracy.
Aled Dilwyn Fisher
LSESU Green Party Male Co-
Chair
LSESU Environment and Ethics Officer
"loan would go"
Dear Sir
The statistics demonstrate that students have been deterred by the introduction of top-up fees. Personally, I am lucky to have been part of the last year to avoid top-up fees, and I still had to really consider my finances and how far my loan would go. I marched against top-up fees so that future students may be offered a legitimate choice, and I'm proud that I did.
Louise Robinson LSESU Residences Officer.
"also being denied "
Dear Sir
In response to the letter from Benjamin Epstein, there are several inaccuracies in his rejoinder to the views expressed by the Palestinian Society that need clarification.
The letter queries the value of an election of one candidate running against RON, yet should remember that Margaret Thatcher ran for position under similar circumstances and lost. In Huda's case the electorate provided majority support for her cause, informed by an abstract attached to the ballot paper LSESU democratically confirmed their support for her cause.
The real issue is that of Huda's innocence as a victim of an illegal occupation. The rights of Israel's Arab population are also being denied. Israel's interior minister Ophir Pines-Paz termed the country's policy toward its Arab citizens as "institutional discrimination" in 2005.
Dismissing terms such as atrocity, apartheid policies and ethnic-cleansing as "nonchalant" or even "slanderous", in the context of Israel's illegal occupation and annexation of occupied land is deceptive and misleading. PalSoc is always careful to use terms and concepts that are accurate in order to avoid slander Ben's reference to "Israel's right of self defence" and the "naivety" of the Stop Arming Israel Campaign should consider
the UN Charter Article 51, (The Right of Self-Defence) which defines 'irresponsible discharge of weapons against unarmed civilians' as a 'violation of international law'.The deaths of Huda's innocent relatives in Gaza is one of many examples of irresponsible use of weaponry on civilians, indicating the need to impose an arms embargo on a state that cannot act with restraint.
Palestinian Society Committee
"vacuous words"
Dear Sir
I read with amusement the inane, vacuous words of the Palestine Society Committee (PSC), which essentially levels the serious accusation of government orchestrated genocide directly at the Israeli administration. I would like to point out to the people responsible for such a shockingly misinformed and outright ghastly comment, that if killing Palestinians were part of Israeli government policy, there would be no Palestinian people left. The very fact that the Israelis withdrew from Gaza, and allow Palestinians Israeli citizenship, as well as autonomy in Palestinian-populated cities within Israel (notwithstanding any threats to Israeli national security) points strongly to the opposite notion of "genocide" and "apartheid policies." Only Israel is responsible for defending itself from terrorist attack and will and should undertake all measures necessary to mitigate the sickly suicide bombings perpetuated by Palestinian terrorists against the Israeli citizen. The PSC therefore seems to contuse the common Palestinian with the terrorists themselves, a laughable notion .
In their zest to aid in the alleviation of the plight of these ex-Jordanian nationals, they not only condone all forms of terrorism, not only accuse the Israelis of heinous crimes they have never committed, but they overlook the real source of the troubles of the Palestinians: their corrupt, and now terrorist (Hamas), leadership.
The PSC only taints its reputation and goal by such comments, and in future should think through their words before publishing.
Daniel Jason
osl leaver I 14 November 2006
FEATURES:POL/r/C5
FEATURES
In this section:
Politics/Business/Careers / Society
thebeaver.features@lse.ac.uk
Pale^ne
Is it tie iewl
Saddam
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Eyes to the Left
Williams
I'm sure you, like me, will be waiting in anticipation for the Queen's Speech. This is the
Government's chance to outline the next twelve months - usually in nothing more than hype and spin, with the odd morsel of fact floating about somewhere. Luckily for her (and us I suppose), the Queen doesn't have anything to do with this process other than reading the speech out. It is in fact the Prime Minister and his band of merry men who write the content. In light of that, this year's speech will take on a new significance. With this being Blair's last year, he will be looking to outline his so-called 'legacy,' entrenching the ideas that have shaped Blairism into the political system. It seems that each politician is in desperate need of a legacy, something that the electorate can remember you by, almost as soon as they come into office. Your legacy as a politician and particularly as Prime Minister should come from the work you carry out while in office. Blair would do well to bear in mind that it is your mistakes that you are remembered by and not the good things you have done, no matter who you are. In that sense, he is fighting a losing battle in trying to create refreshing thoughts for the Queen's speech.
Blair's greatest legacy was to introduce the concept of winning to the Labour party. But it seems to have been forgotten that we take part in politics to do more than win. So we are told that those proposing anything other than further privatisation are left wing nutters, who should be kept at bay. We have stifled debate to the point where all of the Deputy Leadership candidates of the Labour party are focusing heavily on how we can change the constitutional layout of the UK to force ourselves to listen to people.
Funny then, that in the midst of all this legacy searching, certain ironies have emerged. Just this week,, a bill has been proposed in Parliament, which plans to reintroduce the link between earnings and pensions, a proposal that was just ten years ago dismissed as left-wing dogma, unpractical and out of date. Truth is, some ideas never go out of date and the Labour party would do well to remember that the ideals that the party was founded on; those of socialist principles, are timeless and workable in any society. We see reports that council tenants across the country are repeatedly voting against private housing companies taking over from council-run services. The people have spoken and finally they have been heard. People are not interested in the bright ideas thought up by policy wonks, but are interested in what works best in the community.
Leaders can tinker at the edges of their party's philosophy, but they cannot destroy the underlying ideology completely. In the case of Labour, New Labour have introduced a raft of legislation and policy documents that aim to distance itself from the left, from the ideas expressed in the policies of pensions and housing. But, ultimately we have seen that the party's traditional stance has been readopted- because it's the right policy.
So who is to say that this same phenomenon won't occur vrith the Tories this time? They are still in dire straits due to the ruminating after the Thatcher era. She has cast a shadow over the party for the past fifteen years, which despite the arrival of Cameron does not seem to be fading. They propose new ideas now, but that won't stop the natural reaction to turn to old favourites when times get tough. I welcome this process in Labour, because the end effect is to produce many of the policies that I want to see. Problem is, if we get a Cameron government any time soon we may well see the same process resulting in the vile Thatcherite policies of the past.
I want new ideas and approaches, but I want to see them carried out with the traditional values of the respective parties at heart. I hope that the further leaks from the Queen's speech show us a set of policies Which can be built on by the next Prime Minister and not turn out to be another set of policies which avoid the real decisions that need to be taken.B
iEditors' Bio

This week, we saw the end of two long-running spectacles of entertainment in the UK, parliamentary democracy as we know it and Footloose The Musical. In 1976, Lord Hailsham memorably described the British Parliament as an elective dictatorship. This is because the legislative programme of Parliament is determined by the government, and government bills are virtually always passed by the House of Commons, because the governing party can always command a majority. Two weeks ago we saw opposition MPs fail in an attempt to force the government to allow an inquiry into the Iraq war. While soldiers representing Britain ram democracy down the throats of others around the world at the point of a gun, their representatives in parliament are unable to perform democracy's simplest ritual, that of challenging the executive.
In the us. Congress was shamefully slow in scrutinising the decisions made by the president on the Iraq war. Ruled by the President's 'yes-men,' it gave President Bush a carte-blanche to invade and, with the scent of victory, treated the absence of plans for the occupation with utter diffidence.
"	~ That began to change after Abu Ghraib in spring
2004. The Silberman-Robb commission looked at the issue of missing weapons of mass destruction. Congress's armed services committees began interviewing administration officials in charge of strategy. High-ranking officials such as Paul Wolfowitz and Douglas Feith were interrogated with increased savagery. Returning commanders from Iraq including Generals John Abizaid and George Casey were examined.
While these hearings have arguably done veiy little to change policy they have at least fired up a debate over the necessity of the war. And the culmination of such a debate is the Baker/Hamilton commission. The commission, chaired by former secretary of state, James Baker, and former congressman, Lee Hamilton includes retired politicians, intelligence and judicial figures. It is talking to everyone, and its conclusions, essentially on how to leave Iraq with dignity, will carry weight with the US government and people. George Bush was forced by the sheer importance and respectability of its membership to give it his blessing.
Britain has seen no indictment of the pre-invasion mentality or of the lack of post-invasion planning. The , :	!-, /¦ ,1	Commons has'interrogated'returning generals and diplo-
: . .....^	\ ; .ii: V. r mats with embarrassing deference. British MPs act all
'high and mighty,' congratulating themselves on being better behaved and more effective than the 'other lot' from the US. But we only hear the real story of what is going on in Iraq from gossip, websites and the occasional figure from the armed forces risking his job by speaking to the press.
But wait! We've already had two official inquiries on the Iraq war Those of Lord Hutton and Lord Butler The first, on the death of Dr David Kelly was by a judge selected by the Lord Chancellor for his ability to whitewash. The second, managed to examine in detail Downing Street's spin machine without once mentioning Alastair Campbell. In the Commons, the intelligence, defence and foreign affairs committees are chaired by Blair's own 'yes men'; Ann Taylor, Bruce George and Donald Anderson. The intelligence committee does not even report to Parliament but to the Prime Minister Agree or disagree with the Iraq war; it is beyond belief that a democratic body can be part of the war for three years without ever inquiring its conduct. Even the failed attempt from Scottish and Welsh nationalists was done in the teeth of the establishment.
And then there are the Conservatives. Despite the disquiet, gleaned from looking at opinion polls, on the Tory backbenches, the opposition front bench has given weak assent to Blair's war policy. When David Cameron voted against the government he was voting to request an inquiry in a year's time, after the troops have supposedly been withdrawn. Parliament is not able to discuss an exit strategy until it has exited.
As it's often said, the most important decision a Prime Minister can make is to take a country to war. There cannot be a more serious moment for democratic scrutiny. This is all the more urgent when troops seem trapped. There is nothing to stop MPs debating what they like. There is nothing to stop a commission being appointed to inquire into the war It would be able to demand "persons and papers" and subpoena anyone it likes. Select committees are too scared of the whips to act, but in Britain, Parliament is sovereign. It does not need the permission of Downing Street to scrutinise. Parliament even has the House of Lords, though it is too scared for its future to do more than rap the government's knuckles.
Britain's debate on the Iraq war is taking place in the media. It should be in Parliament. Parliament's job description is to "legislate, deliberate and scrutinise." Parliament no longer legislates independent of the government, except on hugely important matters such as hunting, and its debates are hardly attended. Parliament regards Iraq, much as the cabinet does, as an American problem which America must solve before Britain is able to do so. I

LOb
THE FINAL VERDICT
"1 vvokome tliat Snddatii and the othur df-'fcndfints h;ivc faced j\istiro und liavi' hupii held to account foj- llipir crimp."
Margaret BeckeU, UK Forpign Spi;rp!;ii-',
"Tlip Iraqi people hrive roplaocd tile ruU of a tyrant with the tulc of law."
t'ienijJe Bu.'th
"l,oi!g live Iraqi fjong liv« the Iraqi puopjf! Dowti will) tho traitor.=^r"
Saddam
Haugitig Sriddnm will only ptiliaiire Iraq's Kpctarian and ethnic divisions
Kgv'i.itian Pi'esidenl Uo.'stii Mubarak
"The tiniing of the verdirt i."! deeply .suspect." Malcolm JJifkind, Consen'atiw MP
The Right Approach
Sam Burike
We live in a world where the international community has procrastinated whilst 400,000 have died in the continuing genocide unfolding in Darfur, where 70,000 child soldiers enforce the Btormese junta's wishes and where thousands of women are raped; such instances amongst countless abuses resulting from manifest societal breakdown across the world.
We can no longer plead ignorance. We cannot turn aside. These words of William Wilberforce couldn't be more pertinent. As we approach the bicentenary of the abolition of slavery, which William Wilberforce brought about through courage and prayer, we need to ask ourselves how we might best address the injustices of our fellow man today.
It is a question the Conservative Party is asking itself. The Conservative Party has not always defended human rights in the way it ought to have done. David Cameron symbolically recognised this when he said "The fact that there is so much to celebrate in the new South Africa is not in spite of Mandela and the ANC, it is because of them - and Conservatives should say so clearly today", calling Nelson Mandela, "one of the greatest men alive". It is right and proper for Mr Cameron to humbly admit the mistakes of Thatcher and reflect upon lessons from history.
However, one need not go too far back in the history books to discover the proud heritage which the Conservatives have on the issue of human rights. The essays of Tories such as Edmund Burke and the actions of Sir Robert Peel that brought about Catholic emancipation and efforts to repeal the Com Laws, which were so rabidly exacerbating the Irish famine. William Wilberforce was also, after all, a Conservative -as was his abolitionist American counterpart, Abraham Lincoln.
It is a heritage the Conservatives are reclaiming. The Conservative Party's former Shadow Foreign Secretary, Michael Ancram MP, was amongst the first in recognising the genocide in Darfur, a fact the Labour Government are shamefully still to recognise. It was his successor, Liam Fox, drawing inspiration from the approach of American colleagues who established the Conservative Party Human Rights Commission, which monitors the situation in 18 countries and is due to publish its first annual report in December It is the Welsh Conservative back-bench MP, Stephen Crabb who has been calling on the UK government to close a loophole that allows companies to use Britain to invest in Burma via British-dependent territories.
The Conservative party champions freedom, democracy, the rule of law, freedom of thought and expression, freedom of religious conviction and worship, an adequate standard of living and bodily integrity - amongst other fundamental expectations that guarantee human dignity. When dealing with human rights abroad, the cherished principles of human rights tend to become more distorted amidst the art of compromise that is politics. But if we tone down our rhetoric on Darfur (let alone our pathetic actions) because of strategic assistance in finding Al-Quaeda suspects, our inconsistency will render dismantle our credibility in upholding fundamental rights. When commitment to human rights is subject to political and strategic interests, that's no commitment at all.
The Conservative Party must hold the Government to account. LSE students must hold the LSE to account. We need to be bold and courageous in how we apply this dignitarian approach embracing financial methods of undermining regimes, speaking the truth when nobody wants to listen. There is a need to be proactive and creative. Only in this way will we as a party and as individuals have a leadership worth remembering and a legacy to be proud of. It will sometimes require that we forgoe perceived economic interests, political interests or otherwise. But, ultimately, it will always be in our national interests to respect the dignity of man.BI
FEATURESiPOLITICS
leaver! 14 November 2006
.^hcr	-f
09
Uncertainly in Kosovo
Laura Kyrke-Smith suggests the international community needs to re-evaluate the Kosovo situation and begin building local capacity
At the start of 2006 hopes were high that within the year the pieces would finally come together in what Joachim Rucker, head of the United Nations (UN) mission In Kosovo, termed "the last bit of the Balkan puzzle." The post-UN protectorate status of Kosovo would finally be determined. In light of Serbia's adoption of a new constitution, however, optimism decreased. Kosovo is declared an "inalienable" part of Serbia, while Kosovo's Prime Minister Agim Ceku remains adamant that "nothing less than independence will be acceptable." UN Secretary General Kofi Annan admitted last weekend that the United Nations "might not stick to the deadlines as we had originally planned;" by most accounts, we will wait until at least mid-2007. The puzzle of Kosovo's seemingly perpetual state of political limbo is far from completed.
Serbia's latest move has put Kosovo back in the news, unleashing another wave of despair among jaded commentators. They have been holding out for a settlement on the future status of this province for almost seven years, since the 1999 NATO intervention. "It was always going to be hard to work out what to do. The latest news from Belgrade may make it harder," warned the Guardian. But this media attention on the international political process neglects the underlying reality on the ground in Kosovo. In fact, I would argue, the international negotiations over Kosovo's status are of minor impor-

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International intervention can provide the backdrop and the stimulus...can pro\dde encouragement - but only Kosovars can make post-conflict reconstruction a realitv
tance in comparison to locally oriented progress towards reconstruction and reconciliation in the province itself.
Regarding the process of negotiations, there is no doubt that the UN's initial neglect of and delays in resolving the status issue have been damaging. The divided international community have increasingly brought their own interests to the negotiating table. Russia is ever more obstinate in its backing of Serbia, fearing repercussions in Trans-Dneister (Moldova), South Ossetia and Abkhazia (Georgia) if Kosovo gains independence. Great power considerations feature at the expense of recognizing the unique nature of Kosovo's history and politics, which deserves consideration in isolation of global political concerns. More significantly, the climate of uncertainty has hindered reconciliation on the ground, sapping the willpower to implement long-term
sustainable strategies in the development of the economy and of civil society
But we have known from the start what the outcome of the UN-led process to determine Kosovo's status will be. Martti Ahtisaari's International Contact Group will advocate 'conditional independence,' which the 2000 Independent International Commission on Kosovo recommended from the outset. With the reputation of the international community at stake after NATO's controversial intervention, and the $1.3 billion pumped by the UN into Kosovo every year since 1999, the province will not now be returned to Serbian administration. Given the determination to keep Bosnia united, partition is not an option either. And full independence would be a liability in a region that remains prone to ethnic violence, as the 2004 killings showed.
The European Union will take over control of Kosovo through an International Civilian Office. Its major role will be to put a peace settlement into operation, and especially to protect minorities. Economic development will be a priority: per capita income remains just over $1,000 a year (according to United Nations Development Programme figures) despite the 2000 Commission's warnings that"econom-ic recovery is a precondition of societal tranquillity and communal coexistence." And it won't be easy - the international community will remain heavily involved, and the province's 'status,' be it 'officially' and internationally undecided or confirmed, will locally and regionally remain disputed. All in all, then, not much will change.
The international community has
mate' NATO intervention is now widely acknowledged to have sped up the ethnic cleansing. United Nations Mission In Kosovo then failed to recognise or deal effectively with revenge attacks perpetrated by Albanians against Serbs. Riith in the international community remains weak. Moreover with 16,000 NATO troops on the ground and as many as 11,000 civilian personnel (contrast this to 7,000 African Union troops covering Darfur, an area 45 times the size of Kosovo), the internationals have swamped the locals and encouraged a dependency culture that severely reduces local capacity for reconciliation and development. Decisions that affect the province's future are distant and taken without due consultation: symbolically, Albanian and Serb leaders are flown out to Vienna for talks.
Ideologically, the approach of the international community has also been problematic. Framing Balkan society in terms of absolute ethnic categories - rather than focusing on other potential commonalities - has hindered reconciliation. It has allowed Serbs to look back towards Belgrade for self-identification and socio-economic development, rather than engaging with their fellow Kosovars. Belgrade has more easily assumed the role of protector of Kosovar Serbs, further distancing them from Kosovar Albanians. The privileging of ethnic identity has resulted in the growth of ethnic enclaves across Kosovo. There have been some efforts to bridge these gaps: Etika camps have encouraged multi-ethnic dialogue among young people. The Chamber Theatre of Music from Novi Sad has brought musicians of all ethnicities together, and IREX and the Balkans Investigative Reporting Network
aged dialogue between Serb and Albanian journalists. But too often the solutions have been dispassionately institutional, attempting to rectify complex differences of identity with ethnic quotas in schools and government, or by proportionally broadcasting in Serb and Albanian language according to the percentage of the population who speaks each one. The distance between interna-
made mistakes and will continue to do so. The initial 'illegal but legiti- among others have effectively encour-
./.a:;;-./.:.
The initial 'illegal but legitimate' NATO inteivention is now widely acknowledged to have sped up the ethnic cleansing
tional and local which creates these defects looks set to continue.
Evidently, there are the limits to what the international community -as outsiders - can achieve. In the end we could not deal with Milosevic - he was removed from power only when the locals voted him out in October
2000. International solutions to the Middle East puzzle are proving equally problematic. Ultimately prosperity and stability, in the Balkans and elsewhere, will come only with local initiatives to bring the perpetrators of former crimes to justice, to promote economic development, and to foster the growth of civil society. One example of this is the work of the Humanitarian Law Centre; a local initiative to monitor human rights in Serbia and Kosovo. The indigenous media has also proliferated and increasingly fostered reconciliatory dialogue. International intervention can provide the backdrop and the stimulus, and international attention can provide encouragement - but only Kosovars can make post-conflict reconstruction a reality.
Martti Ahtisaari admitted earlier this year that a genuine agreement on Kosovo's final status was not on the cards,"at least not in my lifetime...the parties remain diametrically opposed." Even if a decision comes in 2007, resolving Kosovo's international status will not settle Kosovo's instability. What is needed for lasting peace is a debate for reconciliation within Kosovar society; the terms of which are not prescribed by the international community, and the outcome of which does not involve this extra party to the previous conflict. This is not a novel idea: the 2000 Commission report recognised that "the international community's long-term objective should be to build local capacity and do itself out of a job." But almost fifty years on from the start of decolonisation in Africa, the selected and selective international community is still too slow to act upon it - to relinquish control and genuinely empower others. I
^.4
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FEATURES:.
Palestine Special: A plec and a tale of two Aparth

Benjamin Romberg argues strong parallels can be drawn between Apartheid South Africa and the Israeli situation
Racial differences and segregation in the occupied territories draw parallels with the South African Apartheid and the intentions of both regimes are starkly apparent. But many refuse to see the similarities between the two regimes. Israel, a seemingly democratic state, bom out of the Balfour Declaration and the Zionist determination for Jews to return to their holy land holds on to the idea that its sovereignty is under threat. Each new government, initiates tougher restraints to keep track of its segregated underclass of Palestinians, due to'the apparent threat of suicide bombs or terrorist attacks.
Travel permits and state authorised identity cards are required for travel and movement through checkpoints -even if the journey will last no more than an hour. Jerusalem; a city split by three religions and two territories sees only cars with Israeli number plates drive into the inner city, preventing Palestinian transportation or commerce to enter the vicinity of the city centre. These restrictions are a culmination of security measures and bureaucratic limitations designed to prevent terrorism, but covertly intended to create unnecessary hardships on the Palestinian people.
The largest problem facing Palestinian occupants is the repossession of property by the Israeli state; it is her.e that the biggest parallel between the South African Apartheid and the Israeli occupation of the West Bank and the Gaza Strip can be drawn. What has been dubbed the 'Apartheid Wall' more formally known as 'The Separation Fence,' is the construction of an 8-metre-high wall surrounding the West Bank which gained momentum during the al-Aqsa Intifada. This barrier divides the land defined as the West Bank and the state of Israel in defiance of international law, using similar methods of annexation employed in South Africa during the 1960s and '70s by the then Apartheid regime.
During the major resettlement of black tenants in South Africa; over 3.5 million people were resettled into areas designated 'black-spots' that were ghettoised according to skin-colour. The most famous case is of the township of Soweto (an acronym of South Western Townships) where 60,000 black residents of Johannesburg were forced to move by the ruling white authorities.
Similarly, the West Bank town of Jenin had nearly 34,000 Palestinians living in the town
in 2002, but since the second Intifada nearly 13,000 refugees have been displaced to a nearby refugee camp which was under direct control of the Israeli military until earlier this year. In that time, residents of Jenin have been subject to impositions of extended curfews (over 150
Since the second Intifada nearly 13,000 reiiigees have been displaced to a nearby refugee camp which was under direct control of the Israeli militaiy until earlier this year
days). Several suspected Palestinian militants and nearby civilians have been killed by the Israeli Defense Forces, which terms these actions 'targeted killings.' During this time UN worker Iain Hook was also kiUed by an Israeli sniper on
November 22, 2002. The segregation of roads in the West Bank by the Israeli military has been described as an 'apartheid method' by an Israeli Human Rights Organisation.
The General Assembly of the United Nations condemned the South African Apartheid as illegal and immoral under international law and established the text of the International Convention on the Suppression and Punishment of the Crime of Apartheid in 1976. The convention allowed member states to employ sanctions against South Africa for crimes against humanity and eventually forced the regime to change its policies towards the black population of South Africa. In 1980, the United States and the UK passed sanctions on trade to South Africa. Ironically, at this point in time Israel allegedly assisted South Africa in the production of several nuclear weapons which have since been destroyed.
Chris McGreal, a journalist who has covered both the South African Apartheid and the Israeli occupation of the West Bank and Gaza Strip claims that as far back as 1961, Hendrik Verwoerd, the South African prime minister and architect of the 'grand apartheid' saw a parallel. "The
Jews took Israel from the Arabs, after the Arabs had lived there for a thousand years. Israel, like South Africa, is an apartheid state," stated Hendrik Verwoerd.
Many in Israel refuse to come to terms with this comparison. Despite the lack of overt segregation that existed in South Africa; such as facilities being cordoned off and designated areas for 'whites and blacks,' the Arab-Israelis are considered a 'demographic threat' and Avigdor Lieberman, the extreme right Israeli Minister of Strategic Affairs, defends a policy of transfer of the Arab population from Israeli territory to the West Bank, a trait from the Apartheid Era.
It is, however, from the main intention of the South African Apartheid and the Israeli occupation that a striking similarity can be drawn. The Apartheid was an extension of the"colonial project to dispossess people of their land," said the Jewish South African cabinet minister and former ANC guerrilla, Ronnie Kasrils, on a visit to Jerusalem. "That is exactly what has happened in Israel and the occupied territories; the use of force and the law to take the land. That is what apartheid and Israel have in common."®

meets a
The walls were decorated with posters of kids learning the Torah (Hebrew for the did Testament). In the porch, bagels with humus and borscht (An eastern-European cold soup made of beetroot) were served during the screening of a video, showing an Israeli and Palestinian peace groups protesting against the occupation. Inside sang three young men, in Arabic:
"Who's the terrorist?-I'm the terrorist? How come I'm the terrorist? You've taken everything I have, while I'm living in rhy homeland. You're the terrorist! You kiU, you oppress. Your countless raping of the Arabs' soul finally impregnated it, and the child's name is 'suicide bomber'... When will I stop being a terrorist? When you hit me and I turn the other cheek. We fight for our freedom, but you've turned it into crime. I'm not against peace, peace is against me."
The three. Tamer Nafar, Suhell Nafar and Mahmoud Jreri, are DAM - the pioneering Palestinian rap band from the city of Lyd in Israel. The group landed in London a week ago for the first in a series of visits here and in other European cities, as part of a tour to launch their newly released
SOUR MASH
12 PAGES 100% Vol
PL HQ-THE DRIN CUP BEER VS. WINE THE BEER GURU
IBJlwo
Contents
tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
The Drin Cup
Cocktails are good. Lots of cocktails are better. But which cocktail is best? We use science to find out.
Literature
Lessons learnt from the Beer Guru.
Film
Sofia Coppola does Marie Antoinette.
Interview
Jet drink rock'n'roll for breakfast. We sup from their verbal dregs.
Travel
Musical medieval
meandering around Europe.
C-n^/ards Flinch? A I Canoon Histoiy ofthe
1906-
:00
. f JO-
iT A •
Behind the Headlines: Afghan Lives
Photographs by Nick Danziger, taken during a five-year project commissioned by the Department for International Development. Some hard-hitting documentary narratives imlike ones we generally get to see.
Where: HOST gallery UntiL November 18th Price: Free
.eaible London
Using 'digital journey planning technology' this exhibition offers new ways to navigate our city. If you're one of the 45% of people in this city who try and use a tubemap to find their way around above ground, then this exhibition, or a lobotomy, may be for you.
Where: New London Architecture UntiL January 25th Price: Free
Lots of high-brow slagging matches in cartoon form. From Kier Hardy's teenage mutant ninja turtle phase, to Roy Hattersley's sinister scrib-blings of Garfield being beheaded, it's all here in two drawn dimensions and just up the road from campus.
Where: Political Cartoon Gallery UntiL December 23 Price: Free
Biomedical Innaae Awards
Microscopic images of the insides of people. A gallery of pictures of cells with commentaries by the scientists that captured them. Gross but free.
Where: Wellcome Library UntiL December 23rd Price: Free
rant conrptroHer joshheller
music comptcQiier samashton
visual arrs coreptrdter daisymltchell-forster
film coiaptrblfef angustse
iiieratufe connptroter erinorozco
The demon drink has haunted us both all our lives. Kevin had his stomach pumped at the tender age of 6, when he drank a bottle of lighter fluid, mistaking it for vodka. He has had his stomach pumped 34 times since, and is on to his 8th liver. He hopes to take George Best's record before his 21st birthday. Dan served five years in Strangeways for punching a barmaid into a coma in an alcohol fuelled rage, simply because she suggested that he might like to put his trousers back on and stop pissing on the customers. He had drunk 3 cosmopolitans. This pales into insignificance next to the time he was buggered by a wilderbeest followdng a misunderstanding regarding the contents of a 'Frisky Bison'.	steady
V Daniel B Yates & Kevin Perry
theatre comptroiier mollytucker
style comDtiolier abaosuhsade
traveLcomptroller jessicamcardle
food & dr-inkinc coraptroiier ktmmandeng
cofne<^ comptroller christinewhyte
Music
Live reviews of Sufjan Stevens and Graham Coxon

Brit Art is now in retrospective territo ry at the Hajward
tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
three
beer vs. wine
jthomson tells us why wine drinkers, have neither souls ambergarrlson confesses to being an
nor friends oenophile,without telling us what an oenophile is I
MtewuHKT,
The argument over whether beer is better than wine is trivial and one-sided. Beer, made from the fermentation of hops, barley and yeast, is one of the oldest beverages humans have produced. For thousands of years we have enjoyed this delicious beverage with its crisp carbonation and incendiary flavor. Wine, made from sour grapes, is a bland and boring drink. There are no riotous drinking games associated with wine. No one downs bottles of wine and goes out and makes friends and gets laid. Wine is for the "man", the seemingly sophisticated elitist snobs of our culture; the political pundits, religious leaders, etc. Wine is the drink of the boring, it is representative of the most asinine and soulless aspects of human life. Philosophically beer is about the passions, the soul, and vigor for life. Beer and its consumption helps break down the walls of social conformity that governments and religion have built around human lives for the last 6000 years. Beer helps people strip themselves of the absurd rules and doctrines we are all forced to follow. After a week of learning what we're told to, listening to the people we're told to (in school, in the media,
and from governments)
beer helps us return to the people we should be;
fun lov-i n g ,
happy,
friendly and sexu-a 1 1 y aggressive. Wine merely re-enforces that which strips us of our humanity.
Wine turns us into foolish goal oriented robots. Wine is used, for example, by Christians, as a tool for conformity, convincing the plebeians of the world that it is indeed the blood of a man who may or may not have been God and died 2000 years ago. And people call beer idiot juice? Wine, thought by many to be superior to beer, is about conformity, sadness, and empty hollow evenings. Beer is the antithesis of this. Beer is a slap in the face of those who tell us what to do. It is youth and joy. Wine-tasting events turn alcohol drinking into a science- wine destroys what alcohol can be. Not to say that one does not need some science and knowledge to understand beer; we have lagers, stouts, bitters, dark light, etc. Beer though is not defined by the science behind its variations, its essence is about something totally different.
Benjamin Franklin used beer to present the only solid argument for the existence of God, "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Damn right. Beer does taste fucking great but it is so much more that. Beer drinking games play to our competitive side more than any other sport. The amount of beer a person is capable of drinking is more an indicator of their greatness than any intellectual or physical test. Wine is pathetic, disgusting and flat. Not dissimilar to those who drink the beverage. Beer is crisp, lovely and delicious, like the people who drink it. People that drink wine have no soul, no emotions, and no

real relevance to the world. They exist only in self-imposed prisons, jailing any real human behavior or happiness, convinced that by drinking wine they have achieved some sort of status in life. There are no aged beers and, besides obvious reasons, this is because beer tastes too good to allow it to sit around for years. Wine drinkers don't love wine; they love the idea of wine and what it represents in their simple, meddling little minds. Wine drinkers have to force and teach themselves to enjoy wine. They don't like to accept the idea that humans are merely animals, beautiful animals, capable of so much that is natural. They use wine to disguise who they really are with the fagade of something higher; it does not exist. Fuck wine and the people that drink it, they destroy everything beer drinkers love above all else, truth.
For me personally, beer has made life much better than it used to be. Before drinking beer, I was, like many people I know, an introvert, a nerd, a loser, a boring antisocial piece of trash, I might as well been a wine drinker.
Beer changed all that. I made some of my best friends while playing drinking games and going to pubs. Beer enlivened my soul with all that life and this universe should be about. Metaphysically and epistemo-logically beer changed me in a profound way. I am a different being now than I was before. You make friends, get with the hottest chicks, have the most truthful and profound conversations all under the influence and company of beer. During these hours of socializing and living life to the fullest no one was in the corner drinking wine with their legs crossed rambling about the sailing team and their new Brooks Brothers jacket. If they were there we would not notice them anyway because wine drinkers are not even close to being worthy of recognition as entities. They are slugs, polluting the planet with their attitude of superiority and their compromised morals and beliefs. Fuck them.
So, in conclusion, beer, obviously, is not only the better tasting liquid, but, unequivocally, the more practical drink. The utility and benefits of drinking beer are mind-numbing and capable of infinite glory. Beer tells God and the man and universities and everything else that sucks the soul out of man to fuck off. Wine is just so full of hate and it places that hate in the heart of the people that drink it. The physical qualities of beer and its metaphysical juxtaposition in this world place it closer to the higher truths and the idea of a deity than anyone or anything else, including religious prophets. Beer represents truths because it brings out the best in man. It brings out the basic and natural and pleasant feelings in life and erases pain and agony. It always has. Wine is awful and based on pain and oppression. When it comes to it though, all this rambling is unnecessary. Beer is ' great without explanation. Beer just tastes so great.
"O
h my. love, you came to me like wine. Comes to this mouth, grown tired of water all the time..." (Dave Matthews)
It's no coincidence that love and wine are so often evoked together in poetry and in song. Just as love is more than a feeling, wine is more than a beverage - it's a sensory experience. My first taste at 17, champagne on my birthday, was the beginning of a beautiful love affair, full of exotic flavors and heady memories.
Wine snobs would have you believe that wine is all about attacks and finishes, tannins and robes. You could spend a lot of time, and even more money, trying to sound well-educated about the stuff, reading weighty wine tomes and studying topographical maps of the Cotes de Beaune and Cotes de Nuits. You could easily invest in more paraphernalia for wine than for golf - Riedel glasses, mathematically perfect laser-etched decanters and sophisticated machines to uncork a bottle in myriad ways. If you were really obsessed, you could spend summer holidays on the back roads of Spain and Italy in search of the perfect merlot and then fly south for the winter to do the same in South Africa, New Zealand	or
Argentina.
Unfortunately,
savvy entrepreneurs realized they could charge more for tours and courses if they attached an elite cachet to wine. Wine has a reputation as something exclusive, and people shy away for fear of making a mistake, worried that it's anathema to serve a red with fish or a
white with cheese. But that's not the point.
Wine is simply about pleasure: the pleasure of taste, the pleasure of good company, the pleasure of discovering something new.
All is the rest is a marketing-driven hoax. Ask any true wine connoisseur, and while he'd be delighted to give you a tour of his state-of-the-art climate-controlled cellar, rattle off the differences between Bordeaux and Barolo or debate the merits of cork versus screw top, the most important thing he knows is what he actually likes to drink. In wine, as in life, what's crucial is discovering your own preferences, not bowing to public opinion. Even wine guru Robert Parker would admit it's all a question of personal taste.
My passion for wine started with a revelation: I don't really like beer. As a teenager growing up in Texas, I tried to drink the stuff, even though it smelled rancid and tasted even worse. Super Bowl commercials promised that an icy Budweiser would hit the spot, but even in the depths of a Houston heat wave, no Bud could match a chilled Brouilly. Over the years, with a great deal of patience from my friends and a trial-and-error process that frequently ended in error, I've learned to appreciate lime-spiked Corona or a spicy autumn ale. At a beer-only
party, I can play nice now, nursing the home brew with nary a grimace.
But when I try to remember a single great beer, only one comes to mind, my first Guinness overlooking the rooftops of Dublin. The others fade into the background, bit players in the story of my life.
The great bottles of wine, however, are characters just as memorable as the people who shared them. There was the smooth Meursault I drank at my 20th birthday party, seated in a candlelit garden in Provence with friends. There was the bottle of Laurent-Perrier my roommates and I opened on the morning of our university graduation; it tasted like tears. At my first job, a colleague and I had a Friday night ritual involving a isweet, fizzy California wine called Obsession; when we reunite now, she hunts down a bottle and we pick up right where we paused.
Wine is also the elixir of revelation. In vino Veritas, right? If you're more interested in the wine in your glass than "the person sitting across from you, that's the signal to note the producer, buy a case and cut your losses. Conversely, if you're drinking what should be a great wine and hardly notice its nuance for the charms of your fel-1 o w oenophile, stick around. People, like wine, improve with time.
A s much as wine is
about people, it's about places, too: Tokaj in Budapest, Lacryma Christi del Vesuvio in Naples, a South African shiraz in Paarl. Instead of cheesy t-shirts or snow globes, all I have to show for my travels now are mangled ticket stubs and a few leftover corks.
I've been very lucky to drink some extraordinary wines, some of which were pricey and worth every penny. The best meal I've ever had included a Puligny-Montrachet and a Pommard, the latter of which stunned us into silence. But wine isn't, and should never be, about price or provenance. Go to a village in France or Italy to be rid of this erroneous perception once and for all. The house wine comes to the table in an unmarked jug, no pretentious paraphernalia here. Ask what it is - what grape, what year - and you'll only get a shrug. Press and you'll learn it's from down the road, though by then you won't care anymore. You can conduct the same experiment at a picnic - a few bottles of plonk and some cheese on a summer evening are about as far as you can get from Michelin stars but every bit as satisfying.
I love a meaty Gigondas or a silky Aloxe-Corton, but ask me what my favorite wine is and the answer is always the same: the next one that we'll drink together.

B.
four
tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
GigaraiiKS and
jet have come a long way since we told thenn, politely but firnnly, that we weren't gonna be their giii. samahuja talks to lead singer nic cesfer about living the rock'n'ro lifestyle, without the trashed hotel rooms
"Wl
'hat people don't realise is that if you trash a hotel room you still have to spend a day in it. Unless you trash it upon exit. And you've got to pay for the fucking thing. If you're gonna trash something, I'd rather it be someone elses responsibilty."
So there is at least one rock star cliche that Jet don't replicate. On the other hand, judging from the cartons of Marlboro Reds that are sat open, nestling amongst a sea of fresh, empty and half-drunk bottles of Jack Daniels it would seem that they are aren't afraid to make good use of their rider. Nic Cester, the lead singer and founder of the group, lounges easily amongst the signs of excess that clutter the band's dressing room at the Brixton Academy. He's been living this lifestyle for going on three years now, ever since Jet's debut album. Get Born sold 3.5 million copies and made him a bona fide rock star, with all the trappings that that brings with it. He even has a house above a bar.
"When I'm in Melbourne I live on top of a pub, and I go down there and have a drink with all the locals."
There is an obvious connection between Jet and drinking. Their breakthrough single, 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl?' can still be heard in karaoke bars up and down the country, being belted out by the drunken lads who have almost got tired of hearing 'Wonderwall'.
Whilst it brought them massive commercial success, critics were less than kind to Get Born, and 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl?' in particular was quickly identified as largely apeing Iggy Pop's classic 'Lust for Life', whilst the rest of the album showed more than a passing acquaintance with The Rolling Stones' and The Beatles' back catalogues. Whether plagiarised, or bom out of an acute case of cryptom-nesia, the criticisms were shaken off by the band and their fans who heralded a feel good summer hit. Perhaps tellingly, however, Nic stays clear of the obvious names when I ask about the artists who have inspired Jet.
'Anything that's a good tune really. Not really genre specific or era specific, its just good songs. We like - even just moments of bands, rather than whole albums or even whole songs. I reaUy like some Neil Finn songs, I think he's a great songwriter. The Zombies. Our collective music tastes are quite eclectic. We really liked that album Z by My Morning Jacket. We listen to Supergrass. Everything you'd expect, and some things you wouldn't expect."
At this point, the rest of Jet tumble into the dressing room.
"We're like flying monkeys," smiles Nic's brother, Chris, on their sudden entrance. They take their places around the dressing room, but say little for the time they are there, clearly happy to let Nic be their voice. It shouldn't be surprising. Nic has led this band from an early age.
"I started the band in high school. Cameron, the guitarist, joined when we were about 14 or something. Me and Cam started writing songs together. Then Chris joined on drums two years after that. It was the three of us for ages. Just playing around Melbourne and writing songs. Doing more rehearsing than performing. That's how we started. Then when we started getting all this interest from record labels we started looking for a bass player. Before that, we were a three-piece. Me and Cam used to just swap. I'd do one song then we'd swap and he'd play bass on one song."
"I just love getting to play music every day. We always listened to music, and we always played it and always attempted to write it. I
mean, we all had other jobs, but we kinda had to have other jobs just so we could buy all the guitars."
I ask about their first gig, and while Nic searches his memoiy. Cam prompts him.
"Probably the Town Hall shows."
Nic continues, "We used to put on our own shows. Just get other bands from high school."
High school life is something which Nic seems to constantly refer back to, particularly when asked about who are his closest friends.
"My friends now are people from High School who I've stayed in touch with, but I don't really get to see them much. I haven't been home in about a year. There's a guy whos coming to the show tonight who I met when I was backpacking around Australia, who lives in England. I've stayed in touch with that guy, and I mean, that was about five years ago. He's coming tonight. But most of my close friends, I mean...the guys in the band, I spend every day of my life with. I see them, when you add up all the hours, I've spent more time with the guys in this band than I have my own family, probably"
Fall outs are of course inevitable in such a close environment, but Nic says that living in each others' pockets soon becomes routine.
"You kind of adapt, everything becomes normal after a certain amount of time."
So as he mentioned, despite retaining his Melbourne accent, Nic and the band haven't actually been home for a very long time.
"We're going to Australia in a few days, for work. I mean, I don't live there anymore anyway. It'll be nice to go home though. We're going to Melbourne for about seven days and then Sydney for two. It'll be interesting to see whats going on there. It's been a long time."
Time oft, I discover, is rare for Jet. But Nic is having to take it easy. He's a sick man.
"I've been fucking plagued by illness for the last three months. I had laryngitis, then I got nodules and now I've got this chest infection. We had to cancel a week 'cos I got laryngitis, so we cancelled shows in Canada. Then I got nodules and we had to cancel a week of the European tour. But thankfully, we have a break when we get sick. So I got sick and I got to go home for a week. When I got laryngitis my girlfriend came over and we got to spend a week together, y'know. It's kinda like...getting sick isn't such a bad thing anymore."
While they've been out of the public eye, the band has been working hard.
"We haven't been around for a while, but for us, we just started this tour and we're exhausted already. You know, we were living in LA for a year while we were doing this record. It was pretty stressful, we put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves, to do something good, to write good songs. We knew the second album is always 'make it or break it'. You can either go up, you can go down or you can stay on the same level."
I wonder just how stressful living in LA for a year playing music could be, and whether Nic Cester has ever written an economics essay at four in the morning in the foreboding silence of the British Library of Political and Economic Science. I decide that he probably hasn't.
"We lived in LA for a year, but we're used to being on the move all the time. To be stuck anywhere for a year, that's not home, is incredibly frustrating."
Nic makes it clear that life on the road is a passion for himself and the band.
"One of the good things about getting to tour is going to different parts of the world. You get a unique perspective on the world. When we were living in America you watch
i've been fucking plagued by illness for fhe lost fhree months
there's a new
greatest band in the world every ten minutes in england
CNN, then here you watch BBC, and just to see how the same news story is interpreted in different countries is interesting. Different political perspectives on things. I mean, I live in Italy and, um, although I've only had the opportunity to be in my house there for one week so far. But just being there, you start to get a feel for a place. I've gained a lot of confidence from that, because you see how similar people really are."
Recording the album was a frustratingly long process, then.
"We wrote like forty songs. We kept working on them, you know, until we thought they were good. We kept workshopping them until the best 20 kinda became obvious."
"We thought, 20 of these could be really good, the other 20 are good ideas, but they need a chorus, or whatever. We recorded 22 songs, and we've ended up with 14 on the record. So now we have a new album which we really, really believe is pretty good"
Nic seems to have been wary of the critical reaction to Shine On, having been unimpressed by his experience of the British media.
"Our first shows in England were fun. A lot of our favourite bands came from England, so we were excited to come here. Listening to The Kinks in England is a different experience to listening to The Kinks in Australia. When you can see all the....everything looks so British. All the houses look exactly the fucking same. It's just fits how you imagined it. It was a bit disillusioning as well coming here. When you grow up on an island detached from the rest of the world things ...your perception of other countries is based on what TV shows you've seen, or your idea of what is English comes from the songs that you hear. It was interesting to come here and see that, particularly in London, the press seem to cultivate a industry that was more fad-orientated and fashion based. I mean, theres a new greatest band in the world every ten minutes in England. It's a bit ridiculous."
He says that the Australian music scene is quite different. "Australia's a weird country. I think Australia lacks confidence as a nation still. I think the quality is high but we don't realise it. You romanticise about overseas, before you accept that what you have in your own backyard is good. So it's weird, the standard is incredibly, incredibly high. There's a really strong live sense that you have to be good live to make it. Whereas here you've got to have a cool jacket and a cool haircut."
This is said without any irony, depite the fact that Nic is dressed in an expensively retro jacket, and flicking an immaculately coiffured hair cut out of his eyes.
"There's bands I've seen recently, or I've been reading about, they don't even have an album out and they're the best band in the world. What the fuck is going on here? It's weird. But whatever."
Nic is more optimistic about tonight's show.
"We've been having a reaUy good tour. This whole tour has been...I mean, every...that's how it should be, I suppose. Every tour you do you should be getting better and improving. We're having a lot of fun at the moment. So I'd say the shows since we finished this album have been our best, every show we've done has been good, because I've really enjoyed being able to play these new songs."
And with those words, he's whisked off to do just that at two sold out shows at Brixton Academy, and all I'm left with is my complimentary ShJne On lighter. It's just a shame I don't smoke.
tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
B.
six	tuesday the fourteenth of noven
vX-i - '¦



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^nUHNB^VMIQURi O
-	2 oz Light Rum
-	1 oz Lime Juice
-	1/2 oz Triple Sec
-	1/2 tsp Superfine Sugar
-	1 cup Ice
-	5 Strawberries
Like drinking a rummy's slush puppy, this is the cocktail equivalent of eating yellow snow. For variety, replace the strawberries with heroin. Or a heron.
Infant Regression Index; 3


¦	2 oz Vodka
• 1 oz Light Cream
¦	1 oz Kahlua
This reminded us of alcoholic breast milk. A wonderful experience that bears repeating. Who's the Oedipus now daddy?!
Infant Regression Index: 5


...................
-	1 part Jack Daniel's
-	1 part sweet and sour mix
-	1 part triple sec
-	4 parts lemonade
Like rose water perfumed with market-stall cologne, stirred with Right Guard.
Mid-West Americana Historicity Measure: 5

NIISKVBISON O
Infant Regression Index: 5 (1+1) /1 = 10
The pleasure of returning to the pre-rational state of total abdication of responsibility can only be matched by the pleasure of returning to the state of a horrific little bald animal who can sit there, gurgle, and point at things all day without being taken away by authorities. And you get stuff just by shouting. The moment that you feel you might possibly want something, just holler like a bastard and people run and get it for you. When you're a baby; everybody can hear you scream.
Mid-West Americana Historicity Measure: 1 (5+1) /1=6
Pretending to be a cowboy is generally quite fun. You get to talk in a ridiculous voice, enjoy superior imperial weaponry over the Indians, have sex with your male friends out of physiological necessity and spit. However, as Westworld shows us, robot cowboy Yul Brynners may sometimes try and kill you for no reason.

tVNCHBURailM8NniE{>
-	2 parts Zubrowka Vodka
-	1 part apple juice
Like apricot yoghurt seasoned with itching powder, strained through a bed of lavender.
Mid-West Americana Historicity Measure: 2

^^^^'GOSMOPOIITAM
"le chan*"'^' ^ % our c^i ^^^11 a mL ^
"7 c/a.co ^ to
-	2 oz vodka
-	1/2 oz Triple Sec
-	1/2 oz Cranberry Juice
-	1/2 oz lime Juice
This is like drinking crushed Manolo Blahniks straight from your handbag. It made me want to wear high heels on my teeth.
Sex and the City Score: 5


you
be
3ble
90 to. 'ca//y to '
GOSMOPOIITAN
-	1 oz. Tequila
-	3 oz. Sweet and Sour
-	Orange flavored liqueur
-	1 cup ice
-	Salt
-	Lime wedge
An extremely versatile cocktail. A good accessory for your uptown bulimia, equally good for waking up on Venice Beach with some pooled in your scrotal sack.
Sex and the City Score: 3
-	1 1/2 oz light rum
-	1 tbs superfine sugar
-	Lime wedges
-	Club soda
-	Mint sprigs
Like being bum-sexed by a Cuban gangster in a field of fresh sprigs, it's teeth-clenchingly minty.
Cuban Gangster Calibration: 5
Sex And The City Score: 1 (1 +1) / 5 = 0.4
Cocktails are like men, because if you put thirteen in your mouth in a row, sooner or later you're probably going to throw up and people are going to stare at you in the street. Later on, I got to thinking about drinking myself into oblivion to block out the endless malaise of my vapid consumerist lifestyle. That's the thing about cocktails. Sometimes when you drink one, you have to have some more.
Cuban Gangster Calibration: 1 (1+5) /1 = 6
Grasiento, of an pleasant way, and with a little money. They have some heels, they chascan them. Castro killed to you most of. Possibly. They drive the old American cars like the extinguished one of the announcements of the SAGA. Desemejante of geriatria the' holidays of the SAGA these individuals deal in tortazo, cracks, anti-aircraft fire and vagan around with the massive arms. This stereotype, because it can be that you have conjectured, eludes me and it does not wish me to is. Unfortunately science says that I have.
-	1 1/2 oz light rum
-	Absolut Mandarin
-	Orange Juice
-	2 tsp. simple syrup or 4 tsp. sugar
-	Mint Sprigs
Mouthfuls of flora with every suck. Arcane, possibly neurotoxic, herbs confused the issue. Good if you're a paralysed vegetarian witch with a taste for poultice.
Cuban Gangster Calibration: 4
The White Russian was i from North Dakota whi that all Russians are in man made from pure me fictional man's honour named.
The Mojito, meanwhile, ancient Cuban warrior cl tied naked with his subje strength, and often, his s finally defeated every oi with nobody left to beat but not before he instn drink this minty beverag if he was some kind of bi
Fascinating stuff, but in Cup, all that bullshit cc about regressed adults v ing the walk in a Cuba We've had 14 drinks by r means we can't go to any
Rambling lunacy aside, i' cold science, and with vomit inducing accuracy us. Like sex, it's been p stand and some would i less. However here it is :
White Russian: 5 (5+1) /
Mojito: 1 (1+5)/5 = 1.2
So the White Russian is best ever grand champio cocktails. According to t Lebowski its the only inside of your mouth, takes the edge off breakf of clinical, brutal scienc
J
NIMI

th of november, two thousand and six
seven

HOW IT WORKS:
My recent superscience paper on cocktail studies shows a clear formula for calculating the exact relative value of an alcoholic drink, based on 'Molotov's Cocktail Algorithm'. My formula is based on four base indices: the Infant Regression Index, the Mid-West Historicity Measure, the Sex and the City Score, and the Cuban Gangster Calibration. The value of a drink is equal to its Mid-West Historicity Measure added to its Cuban Gangster Calibration, multiplied by its Infant Regression Index and finally divided by its Sex and the City Score. Each drink is placed into one of the indices categories, and then given a score based on how well it fits the criteria. This score is then inserted into the algorithm, and the winning drinks then play off against each other, absorbing the scores of the drinks they beat along the way. The logic may seem difficult, but after a few drinks it soon becomes clear. Mix some up with me and push the boimd-aries of mathematical genius.
IHiTERUSSIAN
! Russian was named by a bar owner th Dakota who mistakenly believed ussians are in fact negro, bar one, : from pure methanols It was in this i nan's honour that the cocktail was >
:o, meanwhile, was jiamed after an iban warrior chieftan God who wres-I with his subjects to ^demonstrate his md often, his sexual j)rowess. Having Eeated every one of his citizens, and dy left to beat, he took his own life, efore he instructed his followers to minty beverage in memory of him, as iome kind of boozy Jesus.
g stuff, but in the final of The Drin hat bullshit counts for fuck all. It's :essed adults wearing nappies walk-alk in a Cuban gangster's paradise. 14 drinks by now, which statistically can't go to any of our classes. Ever.
lunacy aside, it's time for some steely ce, and vrith sickening rigour and icing accuracy the final result is upon iex, it's been painful, hard to under-some would say dementedly point-ver here it is :
sian: 5(5+1)/1 =30
1+5)/5 = 1.2
lite Russian is crowned the world's ;rand champion king of kings don of A.ccording to the Dude from the Big its the only drink worth putting i^our mouth. He likes it because it idge off breakfast. We like it because brutal science.
«'!
THE LSE IS HOME TO SOCIAL SCIENTISTS AND ACADEMICS OF THE HIGHEST CAUBRE.
ONEOFTHEM,ORMOIIITOV, WHO IS HEITHER A RACIST NOR A WAR CRIMINAL, HAS RROKEN NEW GROUND IN THE FIELD OF SUPERSCIENCE. WE ARE ARE PROUD TO RE ARLE TO PURLISH HIS FINDINGS HERE, AS HE APPLIES HIS METHODS IN THE FIRST ANNUAL DRIN CUP.

%
Bl, eight	tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
¦- -51
black and white and (red) all over?
abaosundade waxes colourful on that communist colour of choice
m
As another Remembrance Day passes by, I glance at the red poppies gracing many a lapel and reflect on what this signifies. The flowers blanketing the fields of Ypres where over a million fallen soldiers lie, the blood shed over quarrels too troublesome to be settled within mahogany walls, and the patriotic love that drags sons away from their mothers and lovers. So much more than simply the colour of the flower - red communicates a certain passion. And as the summer sun fades ever more from our memories, and what little warmth remaining is swept away by icy winds, poppies are not the only objects that embrace this emotive colour. Winter wardrobes, as indicated by catwalks and high street windows, will also be dominated by this hellish hue.
The popular poppies you've been noticing are produced by the British Legion, the UK's leading ex-servicemen charity, in memory of the men and women who have given their lives in order for us to have the peace and freedom we often take for granted. The period of "Remembrancetide", during which time the poppy should be worn, starts from the 2nd November until the Sunday of Remembrance Day itself. But like Christmas decorations, it seems that poppies come earlier and earlier every year, and linger on even after their big day. Fundraisers of the British Legion, however, do wear them all year round - and as long as your own flower resists its "faded and wrinkly" destiny, I suggest you keep
m
yours on for another week. Hopefully by then, those clueless few who, until reading this sentence, mistakenly believed they were being worn simply as the newest winter accessory,.will realise their true significance. And I shall be more lenient on all of you than a local Kent council was to taxi driver Robert HoUetnd. He was banned from displaying a car poppy on his cab as it might distract from his registration plates. I, on the other hand, support the freedom to stick your poppy wherever you like.
Speaking of scarlet-hued, do-gooding fashion, the (RED) Campaign to combat AIDS (the illness which has claimed this season's key colour as its trademark tone) appears to be making great progress. If you've taken the tube recently, you've probably noticed an eye-catching poster of the model Gisele posing with a Masai warrior. No, this isn't the latest cover of
Vogue's special Africa edition, it's an advertisement for Bono's latest 'save-the-world' scheme. It seems that the big bad businesses of our capitalist consumer market have finally decided to help tackle the growing HIV epidemic by working in conjunction with the U2 front man. The (RED) campaign is not a charity - it's a business model. According to its manifesto (www.joinred.com) we, as first world consumers, have the ability to make an impact on the course of world history through the purchases we make. By buying (RED) products or services, at no extra cost to us, (RED) companies will devote some of their profits to buying and distributing anti-retroviral medicine to AIDS sufferers across Africa. The aim of the campaign is to get all shoppers buying (RED), in order to pressure leading firms to join the movement. This would lead to increased availability of essential medica-
tion to a multitude of AIDS patients. There are (RED) phones, shoes and fashion brands currently available (though not all are red in colour). (RED) products include Converse's 'Make Mine Red' trainer collection, which allows buyers to customise any Chuck Taylor All-Stars with a range of colours and patterns. You may have already noticed the new (RED) Motorola RAZR phone, and Apple has just this week launched a new (RED) iPod nano. With GAP stores across the nation already decked out with (RED) collections, and an entire (RED) Armani collection featuring fragrances and jewellery on the way, it seems there's no excuse to not get involved.
The colour itself is certainly unavoidable in terms of winter wardrobes. From coats to scarves to gloves, red appears to be the popular standout shade for most designers and high street retailers. A red coat draws attention and easily spices up a dreary grey day, so ladies might be interested in heading to Zara or Monsoon for chic and cheap jackets and macs. And for the fellas who prefer to have some practicality when fashion is involved, Muji's nifty red "scarf in a tube" might tickle your fancy. But fret not if you're not feeling the whole red thing. If you're of a pale complexion, or live near a bull pen, this season's trend may not be for you. You'll be pleased to know that black and white also feature prominently in winter's style scene. From stripes to solids, there's a little something for everyone.
/•
'3)
If you hate getting crammed into a
metal tube with wings, filled with
screaming babies and people in oranges blouses, that has to, improbably, fly - there is another option. As your mum used to say, when there was nothing on TV 'make your own entertainment'.
This is the story of a folk duo from Glasgow, two girls who took that way too literally, and exported their own peculiar medieval style to the streets of Europe to make some f, cash (pledging to surivive and move only on the revenue made from busking) and see some sights. This intrepid duo . eschewed the time-hon-oured VW bus mode of ,
transport, and instead (as one was a sawbones) got themselves kitted out with an actual ambulance. Very cheap and runs <7^ on diesel. Sling in a couple of beds and a cooker, and it's a home ?
from home.
First stop was York, where the combination of 13th century clothes, 19th century accordions and the sight of two skinny girls shivering in the snow inspired the usually'careful"Yorkies to part with around 30 quids. Not so rosy in Nottingham, shame on you, who garnered only a pound. But Europe beckoned with its lovely cheap diesel and rich tourists. With only costumes, instruments and attitude to protect them, the girls mounted the metal fish to France.
French petrol stations were the first problem, working on a system of magic card machines, which spat out the girls' inferior Anglicised cards with a con-

temptuous, ptew! noise. The next hurdle was actually having any money, as they hadn't yet done any French busking... The first busking session in France netted an astonishing €120. Which is more than I make doing proper work. Organising a gig in a local "Oirish" theme pub got another €30. Astonishing .. , considering the audience was , almost outnumbered by players. ^\jThis bounteous booty from the V '" -^gods was marred by the van's ¦ incapability of moving. J - Anywhere. The time-honoured ^ techniques of WD40, kicking, y screaming and swearing all, amazingly, failed. And if you think garages in the UK are ? intimidating, try French mechanics. They all studied ¦ philosophy at school.
Andorra was avoided due to an earlier bad experience when €80 was stolen from by customs officials searching the van for contraband lutes or something. Never leave a man in a uniform alone with your gear (Eh-hem). The uniform breeds insouciance towards other people's belongings. Heading for Spain instead, the girls discovered to their delight that there was NO border control.
Roll on the freeloaders. At this point in the trip the close proximity (and wearing increasingly smelly medieval garb and having to sing to strangers) can bring on madness, and a secret half-French, half-Spanish tongue. This turn of affairs necessitated a welcome break in a campsite; only €25,
including electricity, laundry and van parking.
City driving in beautiful medieval towns does not suit lumbering ancient breakdown prone ambulances, thus sticking to country roads seemed to be the answer. Though sleeping in entirely deserted areas does up the 'when exactly wiU we be abducted, and how many pieces will be found in?' conversation quotient.
Day 55 saw the entry to Portugal, like Spain but better. One eagle-eyed troubadour spotted a poster for a medieval fair in Almodovar and it seemed a great opportunity to find out if anyone else jjBjH actually did stuff like this, and why? The fair turns out to be a whirl of courtly romance, blue-eyed dev-ils dancing the night away, and slight misadventures with the "^pisspot. All in all, a successful evening and the girls were able, finally, at last, after 27 years, to .... run away with the circus.
They join the group adding a touch of Celtic glamour with their unwashed hair, scabby van, and lack of toilet facilities- it couldn't last forever, despite the temptations of horses, fire-jug-gling and Portuguese men, the final leg of the journey had to come. They returned to France, then passed through Germany and Belgium before a triumphant return home on Day 143. When almost immediately the van got clamped... Welcome to Britain.
Three best countries:
Austria, Germany, Italy
Worst country;
Netherlands
Five best towns;
E Moraira (Spain), Osnabruck (Germany), 8 Monserrat (Spain), Feldkirche (Austria), w	Hebden Bridge (UK)
S,
I
Five worst towns:
Nottingham (UK), Arles-sur-Tech (France), Granada (Spain), Bergen (Netherlands), Mazere (France)
Longest busk:
Pamiers, 3 hours, 50 minutes, earning €121.83
Most home-made produce consumed 1 ^	in one session:	|
^	42, Prades (France)	: |
8 stopped by authorities (while busk- 5 P	ing/whiie driving):	¦'
ji;: Spain (2/1), Netherlands (1/1)
Q Most forms filled in for single busk-ing session:
7, Austria, Feldkirche
f Total number of times we busked in; our normal clothes: 2
¦f-.V
^jjaisy and Jude have written a book abouti ^their experiences, look out for it soon , ait •^www.daisy.abbott.me.uk	1

christinewhyte follows glaswegian folk-duo loci around europe
on a winged-tube and a medieval prayer
c
tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
nine
the beer guru's guide
paullatheron has converted to the church of alcohol, but questions whether the beer guru is really his best guide
1'
¦must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's" -was a thought from the legendary head of William Blake. Observing organized religion, Blake's heaven viras depicted as a dark confined space, and the devil was a being of revolutionary energy and light "burning bright". In The Beer Guru's Guide the pint is revered as the ultimate good, and drinking it is a sacred ritual. Author Chris Street attempts to build a spiritual system around those beliefs.
'Finally! Booze is a religion!' you might think. But beer and spirituality are not strangers. "Some of the most lethal alcoholic drinks imaginable have been created by men of God in places of spiritual reverence," says the Beer Guru. During the middle ages, the book states, the biggest brewers were abbeys and monasteries. Chapter Four is called Monks, Drunks and Holy Men. The way of the Beer Guru is here to lead you on an astral journey out of your body, and off your head, on the quest for the Holy Ale. On that quest, the puns will be shameful. So be warned.
The book is set out in a series of verses, each extolling a particular part of the guru's wisdom. Finding and becoming one with the beer equivalent of your soul mate seems to be the first step. Then you can leam more. More about seeing the aura of your Beer. More about meeting invisible friends from the spiri-
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BEER eURU'S GUIDE
to/.

Mum:h (iyJB ?£ mUHOjS. V/H<J
imci'm, iim'mjO'i
CHRiS STREET
tual realms. More about imaginary ale.
Allegedly, the ways in which your life can benefit from the guru's path are infinite. With quantum physics [as well as Morpheus and the popular song, 'Row, row, row your boat' telling us that every
solid object you see is actually 99.99% nothing, real ale is not really real." Lifted directly from the book, this is how you meditate for imaginary ale, allergen free and potentially ten thousand times better what we know as real:
"Sit in your sacred beer circle [that you made earlier, using eight pints of your soul mate and a compass] and Meditate on the 9th Bottle upon your Altar
Visualise yourself pouring that beer into a glass.
In your imagination, lift the beer to your lips and savour every drop.	•
Imagine you can smeU its aroma.
Imagine you can feel the cool, sparkling liquid tantalisingly trickling over your taste buds.
Imagine you can feel it bursting refreshingly on your palate.
Imagine swallowing that first wonderful mouthful. Imagine the glow of pleasure it spreads throughout your body."
Now my granddad taught me that its much better to have a bottle In front of me than a frontal lobotomy but it's hard not to see the limitations in the system Mr. Street has ere- p,
DRAUGHT
ated, the holes in the beer guru's path, and that's why it's hard to praise this book. The ideas conflict and I'm not sure it's meant to reveal the enlightened state of the Guru. It's just lazy system creation.
The reason why I didn't like this book is because it is vmsatisfactory. Just like a horoscope it repeats itself while professing mystical wisdom, and has more to do with superstition and egoism than anything more exciting. The idea of the book is funny, but the book itself is messy.
If there's anything in your life that separates you from ¦	the average it's a good idea
to celebrate it in some way. If you respect something more than other people do then it will be important to you to place it on a pedestal. And if you find yourself awakened to the mystical properties of beer, H and feel others could bene-
¦	fit from your findings, then
¦	at least decide if you want I everyone to drink them-f selves to death or not. I For the price of four
beers, the Beer Guru's Guide hopes to be the bloke's perfect present this Christmas time. It represents manly respect, will sit on a shelf happily, and may i entertain you. Give it to some-' one else.
Many otherwise quite intelligent people quiver and lose all sense of self in the face of the cryptic clusters of letters, glass phials and tiny spatulas of powder that denote the most dreaded of the sciences - chemistry. Physics can be transcendental, biology earthy-warm, but chemistry rarely fails to induce a feeling of total incomprehension in all but the most brilliant of scientific minds.
In Ben Jonson's The Alchemist, two astute entrepreneurs spy profit in this peculiar ability of chemistry to confound. Subtle (Alex Jennings) and P^ce (Simon Russell Beale), professional con-men, reckon that introducing the promise of untold wealth into the equation by claiming they can chemically manufacture gold will induce the kind of mental surrender which reduces grown men to helpless infancy.
People will believe anything if they want what it promises badly enough, and Jonson's Londoners want gold very badly indeed. They would "willingly be gulled" for it, and in Subtle and Face they meet two men ready to oblige.
The unscrupulous twosome understand the power that language has to confound. Subtle clarifies the alchemical process: get jar E, distillate D, then begin the 'putrefaction,/ Solution, ablution, sublimation,/ Cohobation, calcinations, ceration, and / Fixation'. Their dialogue skips forward so quickly and twists and turns so smoothly that you are barely aware that you don't have a clue what they are saying, and so the eagerness of a succession of dupes to believe this stuff would be touchingly naive if the self-
seeking motor of their credulity - unadulterated greed -weren't so remorselessly exposed in Jonson's farce.
The devious duo tug in their !
wake a veritable conga line .
of people desperate to get hear "the happy ,
word, 'be rich'": ,
Epicure Mammon, the mercenary voluptuary whose every sense craves satiety, austere Dutch pastor Tribulation Wholesome and worryingly pretty young widow Dame Pliant are just so much fresh meat to the hungry deceivers.
Wriggling through the dense thicket of lies of their own making, our shape-shifting heroes pilot us through endless plot complications and gaspingly-fast costume changes. They suss what each victim wants to see and give them it, changing identities in a chameleonic

show of marketing	savvy. RusseU-Beale is masterful in Face's many guises - colffed Captain Face, bellows-man Lungs, Jeremy the butler Just when you feel a pang for the sensitive, dignified butler who deplores the merest suggestion of impropriety, Russell -Beale morphs into Lungs, the hunched, scurrying ball of mischief who cooks up 'gold' behind the scenes in a gas mask and grubby overalls. He is gleefully and infectiously grotesque.
J ennings does a great turn as the dour Scots accountant with a glimmer of Gordon who handles Subtle's more discerning clients. His Americanised New Age guru is a more obviously faked-up transformation, so wincingly unconvincing when performing rites and rattling off incantations you wonder how anyone falls for this stuff.
Jennings is visibly tempted to overdo it here, contorting his features into stage-y comic squeezes. Fine support performances from the sweetly silly, lovelorn Abel Drugger (Amit Shah) and stamping, pawing Spanish stallion Burly (brilliantly bad national stereotyping from Tim McMullan) ratchet up the comedy.
Director Nick Hytner knows a farce needs a flexible set. This one rotates (the Olivier's party trick), and the shell of a house where the action unfolds boasts the requisite number of entrances, exits, hallways and stairways to service a stream of guests in overlapping, looping confusions. The gutted house exposes the vice within; when Face's master Lovewit returns home at the end of the play, the stage swdvels to show us the house as it ¦. presents to the world, all fagade respectable, glossed, pristine and totally '' convincing.
Lovewit's return brings us as close as we get to a moral lesson. With judicious distance and a critical mind, he weeds out the lies, leaving us in two minds whether we want our engaging duo found out. This is emphatically not a morality play, for all that its satire of certain timeless human weaknesses is just as relevant now as it was 500 years ago when Jonson was writing it. At heart. The Alchemist is a bit of fun. Just as the deceptions the pair so magnificently pull off captivate their clients, so this production leads a beguiled audience a merry dance. And it's definitely the most fun you'll ever have vrith chemistry!
sophiemlddlemlss witnesses theatrical gold
nemist
tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
; 'M


sufjan stevens
ioisjeary witnesses the troubadour's live extravcgonz':
The tone for the one-off London show on Sufjan Stevens's world tour was set when the nine-piece band, dressed as acid-tripping butterflies, took to the stage littered with inflatable Supermen and Santas, and launched into the first of many mind-blowing, freewheeling musical extravaganzas of the night. Stevens stood at his microphone, equipped with flapping eagle wings as psychedelic patterns were projected onto the glittery backdrop. It was, quite simply, too beautiful for words and the perfect visual accompaniment for the multi-layered musical masterpieces that Stevens constructs.
The exuberant folk troubadour is \not a man to do things by halves, and 1 quite fittingly for a musician who has /'pledged to record an album in honour of each of the 50 states (granted, he's only managed Michigan and Dliros so far), the whole evening had a sense of theatrical extravagance. As the band launched into 'The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts' Stevens started to throw the inflatable Supermen into the audience and later he told absurdly epic tales of childhood adventures as an explanation of 'The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us' and the gentle 'Seven Swans'. The inflatable Santas got their bit of action when they were bounced around the audience like Yuletide beach balls to the ironically uplifting'That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!' taken from one of Stevens's annual Christmas- albums, which he apparently gives to family and friends as presents, whether they like it or not, in order to save a bit of money.
Most of the set was joyfully riotous and complex, constantly shifting between tempos, melodies and rhythms.
IL
although the presence of certain motifs, especially through the horn section, ensured a unity, not just in each song but in the set as a whole. Yet in some songs the lyrics were so poignant that Stevens duly held himself back, allowing the words to speak for themselves without any musical overload detracting from them. The stories and images communicated through his songs are remarkably powerful, flowing from innocent observation to dark realisations about the world, often in a single line such as in the heartbreaking 'Casimir Pulaski Day', a melancholy tale of a friend's death from cancer. Stevens's voice is light and melodic, which works well with the themes in his songs and provides a simple counterbalance to the complexity of the
instrumentation. He was perfectly complemented by the vocal presence of T h e Polyphonic Spree's Annie Clark, who opened the evening with her electric anti-folk tinged solo act, St. Vincent and then acted as a member of Stevens's butterfly band.
To his credit, Stevens does not try and preach a message in his music, and although his songs are challenging they are never uncomfortable. He simply presents his way of looking at the world and invites us to do the same. The lasting effect of which is a stupid grin, countless riffs and lines playing incessantly in your head and the feeling that if everyone dressed up as butterflies then the world would be a lot happier.
graham coxon
coGosunsade see^ the geek-
':hsc	+ne astona
The atmosphere is of relaxed excitement as a group of eager fans wait for Graham Coxon to come on stage. The most notable of the opening acts, Essex's Switches, did little to excite the devoted fans of the ex-Blur guitarist, despite their best efforts. Yoiing and hip, but predicatably so, Switches' songs seemed to sample styles from all the bands of "now"-from Franz's jittery pop stylings, to the punk-like drawl of The Paddingtons.The one standout point of their set was an over-excited audience member bellowing "RAWWWWWWK N ROLLLLL!", to which the the frontman Matt responded unimpressed, "yeah... rock'n'roll." By the end of the set it appeared the feeling of discontent was mutual, as Matt played the final note of the closing song, chucked his guitar into an amp, and sauntered off.
It was clear that this seasoned crowd had paid to see one man only -and they don't call him Graham Cock-son for nothin'. With a confident geek-chic swagger that could transform Steve Urkel into a bad ass mofo, he skipped the small talk and went straight into the set, opening with 'Escape Song'. Arms went flailing and beers went spilling as the crowd reacted, enjoying the energy and crisp chemistry Coxon and his bandmates radiated. With a setlist dominated by songs from new album Iojb Tcavds at Illegal Speeds, the gig was one of fuzzy melancholia dotted with bursts of explosive chords and vocal rants. Consistency was the word of the day as each track was executed with the same spirit and dedication. Treating the audience to an impressive eight-track encore, Coxon that night was truly a trooper.
V
ii
Every project must have its starting point, a morsel of inspiration that goes on to define and determine the end product. For Sofia Coppola the spark behind her third feature film reportedly lay in a plate of pastel coloured macaroons which she showed to her costume designer. Adorned with a palette of pure sugar, a soundtrack crammed with Eighties punk and armfuls of specially designed Manolo Blahnik shoes, this affectionate portrayal of France's young queen, a film so utterly delicious in its opulence, was bom.
Marie Antoinette is based on Lady Antonia Eraser's sympathetic biography of the Austrian princess who was married to the Dauphin of France at 15, became Queen at 19 and was beheaded at 38. Some of the key moments and ^themes of Marie's life at Versailles are shown, such as the tedious official rit-^uals, invasion of privacy and problems in her marriage, and the film also champions the book's argument that Marie was a misunderstood historical figure. However, Coppola rejects all period filmmaking conventions and instead turns the film into a hedonistic sensory delight, which reminds the audience more of a teen chick-flick than a piece of serious historical accuracy. The result, where the Parisian elite dance to Siouxsie & The Banshees and Marie's angelic daughter talks in French whilst her mother retains a Califomian drawl, may well annoy historical purists, but it is tackled with such uncompromising and unapologetic determination.
Kirsten Dunst, as Marie, is in the words of one on-looker at court, 'delightful... she looks like a little piece


of candy'. In the opening scenes she plays the role with a perfect mixture of pure childish innocence and boredom. When she clutches her tiny little dog to her and looks wide-eyed at her surroundings she absolutely smacks of Paris Hilton! Dunst's detached, wistful gazes work well in the first half of the film and are reminiscent of her portrayal of Lux Lisbon in C o p p o 1 a's Hie virgin Suicides. Indeed Coppola returns to similar themes present in her previous films, such as that of the young spirit being trapped and oppressed by older authority.
However, as the film progresses,
Dunst's portrayal does not. Marie did not have an easy life at Versailles, yet none of what she experiences in the tilm, trom miscarriages to infidelity, ages or matures her. Indeed a key part of Eraser's interpretation is on how an older Marie dealt with imprisonment at the hands of revolutionary forces. Although towards the end we begin to see a new side of Marie, pledging to stay at Versailles by the side of her husband despite the danger she faces, the film ends too quickly and abortively to fully explore this change. I am not convinced that Dunst would have been able to give further depth to her character had the
film followed Marie's life to its conclusion. Jason Schwar tzman, who has made a career out of playing the 'odd-yet-endearing one' is absolutely perfect as the shy, impotent, stupid and yet devoted Louis XVI. Strong performances also come from Rip Torn as Louis XV and Steve Coogan as the Austrian Ambassador Mercy.
As with her previous films Coppola is light on the dialogue and relies heavily on using design features to create a mouth-watering sense of style. This time around, the sparse dialogue is the film's greatest flaw. I cannot help but feel there must have been some way, any way, that Coppola could have shown the youthful frivolity and decadence of her heroine without turning her in to a dueless-esque air-headed bimbo. Most of the film's dialogue is along the lines of 'oh aren't these shoes, like, completely gorgeous' or 'what does she think she is wearing?' and is so horribly transparent that it makes The O.C look like hard-hitting reality. Indeed, the attempts to show Marie's serious side, such as her quoting Rousseau or enquiring what can be done to help the starving French people are almost entirely negated by the rest of the script. Like Dunst's portrayal, it is fluffy and frustrating.
Thankfully, the dialogue is not the defining feature of Marie Antoinette and it is still thoroughly delightful in aU it's visual glory. It is unashamedly a treat for the eyes but a disappointment for the intellect, which, despite the copious amounts of cream cakes, bonbons and macaroons that fill the screen, leaves you feeling a little empty.
loisjeary is still hungry despite dining on sofia Coppola's •	, • , j_	decadent disli
mane antoinette
tuesday the fourteenth of november, two thousand and six
how to improve the world
sophieknight goes wayward at hayw
eleven
They say the 20th century art world was dominated by a triumvirate of Picasso, Dali and Warhol; it is argued that their influence, both blatantly and insidiously, has stretched its tentacles further and wider than any other artist in the century. Critics assert that the way in which we view, discuss and utilise art is a result of this famed trilogy. Yet they are a foreign trilogy; French, Spanish, American. So what of 'British Art'? Or do you mean brit-art, more specifically?
But hang on. hanging out at the Hayward, it's not just the Hirsts, the Emins, the Chapmans, the Quinns; those alcohol-fuelled attention seekers with formaldehyde fetishes and dirty beds, no, no, no, this goes way back, these are the original enfant terrible; there's Lucien Freud, Francis Bacon, Henry Moore, fast-forwarded to Chris Ofili, Richard Long, Steve McQueen.
It's like a class photo of all the seedlings of British art, along with their fruition; there's the sunflowers, the shy climbers, the lilies, and of course the odd weed. The show has been criticised for being unfocused, a chaotic jumble sale for art collectors - but I rather liked its unordered quality. It means that instead of the common and unrealistic vision of the art world as a cohesive body, you can explore labyrinthine rooms and infer what you wish, without being force-fed a rather obvious 'theme' or a specific era. Freud nestles next to neon, David Shrigley is juxtaposed with a film of Gilbert and George drinking gin, and Anish Kapoor updates the shapes of sculpture arch-grandaddy Henry Moore.
At the entrance I'm greeted by a slashed armchair, the stuffing spiUing out like guts, brutally hung from the ceiling. Its quiet violence seems incongruous with the hushed aura emanating from Barbara Hepworth's ovum-shaped bronze statue, a few steps away. Meanwhile Kapoor's lustrous curved cavity in the wall is hypnotic; a metallic vulva shaped hole that commands your attention. This is a disorientating room; next is Bridget Riley's optical illusion painting of black and white rectangles, seeming to suck you in as if between the twin rotating cylinders of a pasta machine.
Riley fascinates because she is not
If high tea is a bit of an anachronism in the 21st century. The Parlour at Sketch seems endeavoring to add a bit of modernity to an otherwise thoroughly Victorian tradition. If it fails to do so, it is most accurate to say that it delivers neither a classic, nor a post modern experience, preferring to live in some time period in the middle; perhaps the 70's.
With an ultra-chic entrance, a flurry of demure waitresses (French to a lady), and a rad set of avant-garde light fixtures and mind-bending optical illusion curtains, one might expect to nosh on something a little more exotic than finger sandwiches served on fine flowery china. This incongruity was made more obvious by the clientele it seemed to attract. They were the stylish mid-twenties set. Continental Europeans who looked like they were embarking on their fabulous careers in fashion, photography and film, not quite your usual tea-time crowd of grannies in chapeau. But afternoon tea was what we were all here for.
The £18.50 Afternoon Tea Set gets you an assortment of scones, tea sandwiches and pastries, and of course your choice of tea. With regarc^ to the tea, the menu has
interested in representations, but merely the rather primal and intuitive reaction to pattern and monochrome, and the visual disorientation that she can effect with using these in only two dimensions. Unfortunately such optical illusions are now so commonplace her art seems almost cheapened; however, it remains relevant in that it questions notions of how one perceives images, and the 'truth' of them. For example, Escher paintings present logically impossible scenarios, demonstrating that irrealizable imagined shapes can still have existence, even if not within three dimensions. In this world of Photoshop and •
doctored photos,
images are trusted even less, for the possibilities they hint at may bear no relation to	reality.
However, Riley's paintings act directly on your eyes, posturing as three-dimensional objects in order to confound your sense of	depth.
Interestingly enough, the Hayward has started this exhibition within a painting that
suggests images, or art in a wider sense, has a greater power over us than we may care to admit.
The title of the exhibition is definitely optimistic; idealistic, perhaps; ambitious, certainly. Can, or does, art improve the world? And in what ways- by engaging in politics, or by questioning and challenging preconceptions, or may be emotionally affecting the audience, by touching some intuitive and primal sense, by introducing a little beauty into their souls? What the past sixty years of art has taught us is that images can be more about the idea driving them than the actual physical components. The conceptual art movement that exploded in the '60s is credited in the gallery's commentary to a reaction to commercialism. Sol
sophieknight goes wayward at hayward
iriR hilt mprplv Trf»Witt rnmmpnt.pd. 'iHpa hpcomes the	Next to Freud's earnestness is Davie
LeWitt commented, 'idea becomes the machine that makes the art', an idea that is comicalised by Keith l^son's 'Applied Art Machine' a mad-scientist sketch for a machine that randomly creates art works by systematically mixing together different factors and applying contingent processes to them. The anti-commercial-ism in 1960s art dragged the focus from the material of art works and towards the metaphysical realm of ideas.
However, the aesthetic senses are far from deprived. 'Conceptual' art does not have to bore or offend the eyes; Eva Rothschild's 'Heavy Cloud', three enormous and viciously sleek triangles of thin, flat metal with their points nuzzled together, prompts a sense of stunned awe, and admiration for the purest form. Henry Moore's small bronze studies for the larger sculptures	in Westminster and elsewhere are gorgeous; voluptuously organic, tactile and welcoming in their smoothness. Steve McQueen's video 'The Bear', a black and white silent film of two black men boxing and moving with haloes of light coalescing over them, and the jazz rhythm of their movement invites a private and mental soundtrack.
Portraiture is also not ignored. Most notably, an old favourite of mine, Lucien Freud, has a small section, focusing on his muse, the 'heroically lumpish' performance artist Leigh Bowery. The mesmerising and intriguing thing about Freud's portraits is the way in which the sexual repulsiveness of the subject is annulled, and we are made to, as if with raw and innocent eyes, explore the human form and face afresh. The complex web of colour and contour and the carnal folds of fat are all explicitly rendered as if they were uncooked meat; yet infinitely more beautiful than that.
a wide selection from which to choose from, and of course. Murphy's Law being ever omni-present, this reviewer chose the undrinkable one. (Note: Avoid the Chinese black tea, Lapsung Souchong unless you like your tea smeUing and tasting like burnt tyres) The jasmine tea however, was fragrant albeit weakly-brewed.
Blasphemous to thej concept of afternoon tea though, was the fact that neither English Breakfast nor Earl Grey, the old
time were on
menu.
classics, listed the You
could probably get them if you specifically asked for it (indeed the service was certainly accommodat ing enough), but in keeping with its postmodernist twist to the afternoon tea experience, those grandfathers of tea were probably best kept off the menu.
Next to Freud's earnestness is David Shrigley's '6 Paintings', a series of pen drawings that made me let out a peal of laughter in the library-quiet of the gallery. The most memorable had a carefully drawn cage with a scribbled generic 'animal' inside, about a centimetre high, with cat ears andmisshapen limbs. The scrawled caption next to it says, 'see the little creature in the giant cage/rattling around like a pea in drum/we are similar, I think/it and I/until my parents return from their holiday in Cyprus'. It cheered me to think that simple absurdity could still be appreciated and applauded in the grand arena of art.
Such an exhibition- the retrospective of an entire nation over an incredibly prolific half-centuiy or more- provokes a need for summation, for a concise catch-phrase, for a fundamental and enlightening 'point' of some kind. The diversity and idiosyncrasy of the pieces will produce a wide spectrum of reactions and thoughts, but overall I found it exciting, optimistic, emotionally and visually rich. The move towards the visual encoding the artist's ideas or notions, as opposed to strict representations of reality, seemed the prevalent force behind the collection. Contemporaneous artists seem to be concerned with making their audiences aware of the process and conception of their artworks, making the construction process transparent in a similar way to feature films made on a handheld camera.
The finished product is stripped of its gloss, but this seems to democratise it- art is now more directly connected to the familiar ideas of life, whether they be the mundane or smirking and gentle humour of David Shrigley's cartoons, the sniggering innuendo of Sarah Lucas (with her fried egg=breasts t-shirt), to the subdued elegance of Euan Uglow's mathematically precise portraits, the tension in Hirst's He Tried to Internalise Everything, or the fantastically concise shorthand for terror that is Bacon's 'Head VI'. What the Hayward has successfully achieved is a collage of voices, distinct but with similar veins pumping through them. This show is deeply pleasurable to view, to experience, to consider; as much of an aesthetic enjoyment to revel in as it is a condensed history of the changing attitudes and visual inventions of the past 60 years.



The food on the other hand was a delight, both aesthetically and gastro-nomically, flavour being the order of the day. Even the blueberry garnish on my black-forest gateaux was an explosion of taste. The sandwiches were traditional and above average, the scones came with heavenly jam and to be honest, by the time I got to the confectionaries, I was halfway into a diabetic coma. And this is coming from the person who accounts for a significant proportion of Coca Cola's (not Diet) annual profits. Still, while applauding the standard of the fare and the excellent service, this reviewer ultimately feels that one might be able to get more value for money at one of the numerous patisseries around Covent Garden.
With ambient trance music blaring in
the background, and a numerous set of flamingly homosexual bar staff, this reviewer could imagine herself in one of SoHo's trendy lounges as opposed to being round the corner from the Hamley's off of Regent Street. Especially since I had stayed in time for the changeover from tea-time to bat-time (7pm). If not for the exorbitant prices for drinks (£12 martini anyone?), I might have very well stayed on through the evening.
All in all, it was a thought-provoking experience, an example of how a whole might be less than the sum of its parts. Clearly in attempting to find a place for the archaic afternoon tea in our postmodernist world. Sketch fails to achieve either. It is thus stuck in an awkward position of providing you with a WiFi connection, thereby allowing you to check your email, whilst serving your tea in the most flowery teapot I've ever seen. Yet, perhaps Sketch is just a reflection of this generation's desire to have everything at once, the charming nostalgia of the innocent past and the materialist modernity that we've come to depend on.
wonyiweng takes a sip of afternoon tea
what? no earl grey;
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7	changed from the wild; domesticated
8	A relative by marriage
9	to make, do, or perform
10	a set of shelves for books
11	ten tile
13 protection; support
15	made of dovra
16	caring for a child without parent.
18	a surface forming the top of a table.
19	to go out of or away from a place
21	weedy annual grass often occurs in grainfields; seeds considered poisonous
22	to stir up emotions
Down
1	old Turkish coin, 40th of piaster
2	a blind with overlapping slats
3	the ball or globe of the eye
4	golf, a piece of turf gouged out
5	the sound produced by the wheels of a train over tracks.
6	a cross, each arm with a continuation at right angles 12 the first 28 days of life
14 eellike fishes, with mouths and horny teeth for sucking blood 17 pole for walking above ground. 20 inevitably predetermined

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Ooh my! What a marvellous week we have had at the London School!!! Chav Crush went down a treat; you pulled out all the stops!!! I would also like to extend a very big thank you to all those who came along to the book signing last week. If you feel like winding down after a hard day's work, come down to the underground tonight for my (?)th birthday bash. I guarantee to you all an explosion of ecstasy and a chance to drunkenly point and shoot all the SU members we love to hate. We can grind the night away and I'm sure Mr Shaw and Eanny Flirtina would not mind if you hopped into bed with us all later on. The more the merrier!!! So my dahlings, back to this week's questions! We've got declaration of love, sausage inquiries, weight worries and as always, spelling mistakes. Enjoy!
Dear Auntie
One of my balls has become considerably smellier than the other. Is this normal or do I need to see a specialist?
2nd Year
Accounting and Finance
Dearest accountant, it is the same story with hands, feet, breasts and fingers. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Surely the ample size of your dong should make up for this minor obstacle. Once you're in there, she doesn't care!
Variety is the spice of life Auntie Shaw xoxo
Dear Auntie
Aimtie, I hear that Steve Tyler of Aerosmith used to pour Jack Daniels on his member to protect him from getting STDs from his numerous, slightly filthy groupies. Is this a widely advocate celebrity cure all or is it more on the slightly dodgy 'Carol VordemEin says this loan shark is great' side ot the
celebrity endorsement fence?
Anxiously waiting your authoritative reply XXX Social Policy, 3rd Year
Ah yes, the old 'sauce on your sausage' trick works wonders in the bedroom! I'm surprised you young academics have heard of it. lioffee, caramel or maple syrup can work like a charm but speed is essential in order to avoid the traumatic 'hardening syndrome'. Stay away from dairy products as things can only get messy. Alcohol is a safe bet. Why not some raspberry or vanilla ASBSOLUT to kick in a bit of flavour? Come up to the Shaw Library and Mr Shaw and I will show you the ropes, which ever way you hang! Ooh how exciting!!!
Tabasco sauce is a splendid substitute
Auntie Shaw xoxo Dear Auntie
Who are you? Stop stalking me.. .lol C.A
1st Year LSE
Dearest fresher, I can say with utmost certainty that I am not a stalker. Consider me a filthy guardian angel watching over you and your sex life until you graduate. Auntie Shaw is always here to help! Mind you, my peepholes I have set up around campus may indicate a stalker like quality. I will go away and have a think.
Always a pleasure (to watch you) Auntie Shaw xoxo
Dear Auntie
I've recently put on a few pounds. This would not bother me under normal circumstances but I can feel a double chin and with Christmas season arotmd the comer, I can't help but panic. My size 12 dress will be a 16 soon enough. Help!
S.L
2nd Year
The average body size for a female is a 14 and a 16 in some parts of Scotland. Men adore curves and some meat to hang on to, especially when he's taking you hard from behind.
Feel my lovely lady lumps Auntie Shaw xoxo
Dear Auntie
I don't know how late I am, but please print out this message. I saw one similar to this in your column and I thought, why not give it a shot?! I have fallen for this girl, she knows who she is when I say "spiders and chocolate eclairs" I really like you cind I know this is really corny to write to Auntie Shaw but I don't have the balls to come up to you and kiss you. All those ni^ts we have spent up together in the student bar have to mean something and I really appreciate how much you helped me out when I split up with my girlfriend back home. I'm going to be up tn my room on Tuesday night so if you feel the same, come up and jump on me.
Name Withheld 1st Year High Holbom
Ooh how exciting!!! Boy, I hope you get when you want tonight! When you say late nights, chocolate eclairs and spiders, I sincerely hope they have not been used together. Take the spiders out of the equation and you will have a bundle of fun in bed with your lady. Girl, if you are reading this, please do keep Auntie updated and what you have been up to!
Arachnophobia in bed Auntie Shaw xoox
If you want to share (or scare) me with you problems, please do get in touch at thebeaver.partb@lse.ac.uk

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POLITICS
leaver | 14 November 2006 h l
I for peace, recognition
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Ziyaad Lunat says the plight of the Palestinians must be recognized by Israel
poriencf the peace ihey loag fv)'"
The Palestinians, inhabitants of historical Palestine, have been a welcoming nation for many centuries. Palestine was a multicultural society, at the crossroads of civilisations and the meeting point of the world's great religions. At the peak of the Ottoman rule, Palestine was a centre for knowledge, scientific discovery and liberal thinking, at a time where Europe was still lingering behind in the dark ages. Europe evolved and entered the period of Enlightenment in the eighteenth century; which brought with it a thirst for civilising the rest of the 'primitive' world through colonisation. Edward Said, a Palestinian thinker educated in the Diaspora; says that Europeans as well as Zionist leaders, saw their subjugated population as 'nonentities' with no right to own the land. Colonialism was thus based on the superiority of one people in relation to the other, the idea of being 'the chosen one' with a civilising objective, based on race or skin-colour differentiation.
Times have changed, and the 'civilised' world, with a renewed sense of cooperation after the Second World War, 'embraced' the concept of self-determina-tion embodied in the UN charter. However, the Palestinians were to suffer a different fate. In 1948, the year of the Palestinian Nakba (catastrophe) as it is bitterly known in Palestine, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians were coerced to leave their homes, where they'd
lived for millennia. DeirYassin for instance, a Palestinian village outside Jerusalem, was terrorised with dozens of its inhabitants -killed and their bodies paraded in the streets. Deir Yassin is only one example of over four hundred Palestinian villages that were completely destroyed to give space for a new country. Ben Gurion, the first Israeli Prime Minister said, "With compulsory transfer we [would] have a vast area [for settlement] .... I support compulsory transfer. I don't see anything immoral in it." Ironically, the sense of righteousness embodied in Ben Gurion's words persist to this day in Israeli policy.
As I was visiting the many refugee camps in the West Bank, I could not but feel the sadness of the older generation of Palestinians when hearing them speak about their fate. An old man living in Bethlehem's wall-suiTounded Aida Refugee Camp, tells of his exodus from the village where he was bom. When fleeing their home during the war, his mother locked the doors with the hope that one day their family would return. That day never came and his house is today occupied by other people in a territory that is now Israel. He nevertheless symbolically keeps that same key on his wall to remind him of his right to return. Similarly, every Palestinian has their own story of the Nakba and most suffer to this day the repercussions of what happened to them in the past. One may argue that the Nakba was an unfortunate fact in Palestinian history as many
Palestinian rap group who show true Dedication to their cause
album; Dedication. Their visit included performances in front of very different audiences, at varied venues, from the Barbican (as part of'Ramadhan Nights' events), to the dance-sweat-heated cellar of a Moroccan restaurant at the SOHO. I met them for an interview at Hackney Synagogue, where they have been performing at the above-described event, organized by the Alternative Jewish group 'Jewdas.'
Tamer Nafar, the group's leader, commented during the performance he wasn't used to performing for Jews who don't understand Hebrew (the group usually combines Hebrew in their songs). "You're the fakest Jews I've ever seen," he said, laughingly. I tried to understand why it seemed as if he was disappointed...
Do you prefer singing to JeuHsh Israelis?
We're trying to differentiate Judaism from Zionism. Judaism is a religion, it is holy and we don't have a problem with that. Zionism is claiming ownership over the land I live in and on which I have a proven historic and present ownership. In fact, I am not certain that Israelis themselves, as well as people abroad, differentiate between
the two.
Do you suppose, then, that your message is relevant to audiences here in the UK!
Well, it definitely is relevant for the British, since we were a 'compensation' given by the British colonialism to Europe's Holocaust victims. People all over the world today judge the situation with no awareness of the past. It is like a tree which bears rotten fruit; you keep throwing the fruit away, but that just solves the problem for a limited and short duration. The only chance is to go back to the root and fix the problem, and Europeans have to be aware of that, as it is their governments - and the US's - who are responsible for most of the wars in the Middle East.
The video clip "Who's the terrorist?' (available for viewing on YouTube) begins with citing the words of former US attorney general Ramsey Clark, saying: "Palestinians are [after the Iraqis] the most terrorized people on earth". And that is just one of the many voice recordings the group samples in their music.
Back at the synagogue, Ori Shochat, a well-known Jewish Israeli DJ, who has been accompanying the group for several years, put on a vinyl record. The
other nations have suffered similar blows in the past, but that the Palestinians should leam to compromise, accept what has happened and move forward.
A Palestinian lives by gunpoint.
Literally. Any expression of dissent, even democratic dissent, is used as an excuse for collective punishment.
However, the Jews are rightfully not asked to forget their catastrophes and the memories of the Holocaust for instance, are very much alive. Nevertheless, the 1948 Nakba is
a distant memory for the younger generation of Palestinians, only revived through history books and stories from their elders. The Palestinians are prepared to move forward. Despite this, today's youth are living their own experiences of life under Israeli occupation. Israel is making sure they never forget the Nakba. Furthermore, the Palestinians bravely made their biggest concession in 1988, when the great majority accepted Israel's right to exist and ceded 78% of their territory. In return, they were left with continued subjugation on the remaining 22%, in the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.
There is a great imbalance of powers between the Israelis and the Palestinians, the former dominator, the latter, dominated. Every aspect of Palestinian life is according to Israeli terms and will. A Palestinian lives by gunpoint. Literally. Any expression of dissent, even democratic dissent, is used as an excuse for collective punishment. For example, a Palestinian is forced to pass through checkpoints when travelling even short distances, at the whim of the Israeli soldier. If he complains, a gun is immediately pointed at him. Compromise in today's terms, means that Palestinians are meant to keep quiet and accept the demolition of their homes, the settler invasion of their olive groves and the indiscriminate killing of civilians. In other words, a Palestinian may not resist. But Palestinians are reluctant to abandon values that
are the embodiment of their humanity. Accepting Israeli occupation would mean ignoring human rights, denying justice and accepting violent subjugation.
One should not forget that the problems faced by the Palestinians today were brought to them, almost 59 years ago. The Palestinian plight is not the product of its own will but of externally inflicted suffering. Despite this, the Palestinians are expected to succumb to more* humiliation and demands before peace talks can commence.
Ben Gurion once said, "the borders [of the Jewish state] wiU not be fixed for eternity." Expansionist Zionist ideology is a leading force in Israel, as there are almost two hundred illegal settlements in the West Bank today built with the view of making a future Palestinian state "unviable." The Israelis have to realise that if peace is to come, they should first and foremost recognise the Palestinians as the rightful inhabitants of their land and fully renounce the violence shown through the continued occupation of West' Bank and Gaza. Killing of civil- ¦ ians through sophisticated military apparatus, as is now a routine, is certainly not the way to achieve peace. The cycle of violence can only be broken when Israel genuinely recognises it's dominating position, ceases to breach international law, recognises Palestinian rights and obeys the UN resolutions which it has violated more than any other country in the world. Bi
room echoed the voice of the late Taufiq Ziad reading his poem 'Strangers in your own land' accompanied by the rap group.
Taufiq Ziad was a poet and at the same time a leader of the communist party in Israel and mayor of Nazareth. Do you combine your art with activism in your community?
We believe you have to fight for change. No one will just change for your sake. So we're not just calling upon people to change their own realities, we're doing it. We're present in demonstrations for equality and for the rights of the Arab-Palestinian minority inside Israel, and we're involved with social activism in underprivileged neighbourhoods. And music drives us to do all that.
Do you find similarities between a black rapper identity and Arab identity?
A rapper identity is in fact a whole culture we're inspired by; the clothes, the energy, the power and the sharp message. We feel it because it is talking about us and about our problems, as people growing up in under-developed neighbourhoods. It's like a 'copy-paste!' Black identity? We appreciate the black struggle, leaders and writers, we have definitely been
influenced by black culture, but I don't suppose we have a black identity. I think we have a revolutionary identity and we link with everything that reminds us of our struggle, as we fight for our freedom. We were inspired by black rappers and by our Arabic musical world and created a different voice called DAM. I think when you listen to our album you notice how proud we are of our Arab identity and culture!
You do sing, however, about discrimination against women around you.
It is a global struggle. We think women's struggle is just, and we will sing about and criticize everything that is unjust. We believe in equality between the two sexes. It's so stupid men oppress their mothers!
Wiat are your plans for the future?
We're planning to release more albums for DAM, and at the
m
same time we're , working on establishing the label '48records,' in order to help other Palestinian artists get exposed. Palestinian art is one of the most powerful in the world. Even if you don't understand Arabic you'll understand the passion. B
For more information visit: http://www.dampalestine.com
r -
l2llBeaver 114 November 2006
POLJ7V
The showroom trial: false justice for the Iraqi people
-Victor Figueroa-Clark argues Saddam's trial lacks legitimacy
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On Sunday 5 November Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death for the 1982 killings of 148 members of the pro-Iranian Dawa Party in the town of Dujail. President Bush said it was a "major achievement for Iraq's young democracy and its constitutional government". Saddam's trial began in July 2004, seven months after he was captured near his hometown of Tikrit. The sentence was received with joy through much of Iraq, and yet many at home and abroad have voiced criticisms of both the trial and the sentence. Robert Fisk has said it "couldn't be a more just verdict, nor a more hypocritical one."
The critics do not claim that Saddam was not a brutal tjrrant, but rather that his trial was deeply flawed, and motivated less by a desire for justice than by a political one to help Bush through the mid-term elec-•-aons in the US, and to try to remind Iraqi's of a positive aspect of the 2003 invasion. It is now obvious that it did not achieve the former and it is doubtful that Iraqis will show much gratitude given that the situation in their country has worsened beyond recognition since the invasion.
Criticisms of the trial range from questioning the legitimacy of the Iraqi High Tribunal (IHT) to pointing >iOUt the many procedural deficiencies of the process to which the former dictator was submitted. The IHT is accused of being an illegitimate judi-'cial bod'
the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) in a process that Human Rights Watch has claimed, "lacked transparency", and in the period before an Iraqi government was elected. In legal terms, it is therefore the creation of an occupying power. This line of criticism goes further, the Court is illegitimate because the CPA that set it up could not establish a legitimate court, given that the invasion that created the CPA was illegal according to international law. Of course, one could argue that no trial can be perfect, and that at least Saddam has been tried in an Iraqi court and by Iraqis, but surely the point of justice is that the fair administration of it is one of the distinguishing features of a genuine democracy, otherwise neither our actions nor our words set us apart from tyrants.
The criticisms of the Court procedures have also been scathing. Three chief judges resigned during the trial: one was disqualified for being the nephew of the chairman of the Iraq Governing Council (IGC), one resigned after pressure from the de-Ba'athification committee and the last one resigned stating intolerable US and Iraqi government pressure to speed up the trial. The defence team, led by former US Attorney General Ramsey Clark, said that no protection was provided for them in spite of the assassination of two of their number, and attempts on the lives of several others. Protection was also denied
two and a half years before charging Saddam Hussein and the prosecution
The terrible thing is that if Saddam is hanged it will not have been a victoiy for justice. It will mark the day that the US-established court robbed the Iraqi people of the chance to tiy their tormentor
case has been largely based on anonymous witnesses and documents of The defence
also complained that they were given no independent access to the defendants and that administrative obstacles were placed in their way, preventing them from acting effectively. The defence also questioned the impartiality of a court that was set up, trained and financed by the United States. These claims are the basis of the boycott of the trial by the defence team. Few people doubt that Saddam could have been tried for any one of the myriad crimes he committed or ordered to be committed while he was in power. He could have been tried in a few months or year's time, assured of a fair hearing and therefore the sentence would have been unquestionably legitimate (regardless of ones opinion on capital punishment). So the question is, why was this trial carried out in this manner, hastily, unfairly, in a way that removes the satisfaction of seeing him in the dock?
Perhaps the answer is that Saddam's trial was legally defective not just due to the illegality of the 2003 invasion or to problems with the statutes governing the IHT itself, but also due to the nature of the relationship between Saddam Hussein and the US and UK. If he had been tried for the notorious gassing of Halabja and Kurdish villages in the 1987 offensive, then he would have been able to tell the court that it was the US, Britain and Germany that provided him with the ingredients and equipment to make the chemical weapons in the first place. If he had
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been tried for the slaughter of the Shia in southern Iraq after the first Gulf War, then it would have become clear that Bush senior left them defenceless after publicly calling on them to rise up. If he had been tried for war crimes during the Iran-Iraq war, maybe it would have highlighted the shaky legal ground that both Bush and Blair stand on in this matter. If he had been tried for the murder of thousands people throughout his time in power then he could have pointed out that he did all these things with the full knowledge and approval of the western world. So maybe these are the reasons that the court did not try him for these terrible crimes, but for one relatively small massacre carried out a year before the famous photo of him shaking hands with Donald Rumsfeld was taken.
In order for Saddam Hussein's trial to have been free and fair it would have had to have been carried out in a legitimate court, and for this to be the case then the government that set up the court would have had to have been widely perceived as legitimate and this, especially in Iraq, is not the case. The terrible thing is that if Saddam is hanged it will not have been a victory for justice. It will mark the day that the US-established court robbed the Iraqi people of the chance to try their tormentor, by turning him into a martyr, and that may be seen as the greatest injustice of all. I



¥EATURES:POLITICS
leaver! 14 November 2006
13

An Eye for An Eye
Chun Han argues that society has a duty to its citizens to use the death penalty
Following the sensational verdict on deposed Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, the death penalty issue has once again surfaced. Pro-life groups and human rights activists cry foul even as a wave of euphoria swept much of Iraq. There is little doubt that Saddam is guilty as charged. Yet the question remains; is the death penalty a viable institution of punishment?
The irony of opposing the death penalty is that the objective is to save those who had perpetrated the ultimate sin, often with vicious intent. Unlike murderers, who usually cause great mental and physical trauma to their victims before death, the death sentence is a common understanding for all in society. It is not a barbaric institution implemented to violate human rights. The intention is to protect the innocent and remove the elements of society that blatantly violate those rights. Today, there are countless of voices for the murderers - the very people who do not respect the sanctity of life. Yet we seldom hear voices for the victims. If turning a blind eye to their plight is apathy, mocking them by crusading for the lives of their tormentors is inhuman. Why are we championing human rights for the worst violators?
An argument that is repeated ad nauseam is that the death sentence is no deterrence, yet this is fundamentally flawed. Deterrence is not the fundamental purpose of the death penalty. A penalty based purely on deterrence would mean a man is not punished for something he had done, but for what others might do. C.S. Lewis summarised the argument, "If deterrence was all that matters, the execution of an innocent man, provided the public thinks he is guilty, would be fully justified." Only the offender should be punished for his own crime; sparing the offender on parole is in fact punishing the public.
The death penalty is a sentence meted out only to the most violent felons whose crime deserves such harsh penalties. In the US, from 1967-1996, there has only been one execution per 1,600 murders. Death by capital punishment is reserved for the worst
Whun a criminal it! coiivicted of his crime, ^ve declare that justice Is sensed. Be it retributive or utilitarian justice, the death penalty meets both ends
felons; it is not wanton bloodshed.
Poet Hyman Barshay observed, "The death penalty is a warning, just like a lighthouse throwing its beams out to sea. We hear about shipwrecks, but we do not hear about the ships the lighthouse guides safely on their way. We do not have proof of the number of ships it saves, but we do not tear the
lighthouse down." It is impossible to conclusively prove the effectiveness of deterrence. It exists nonetheless; the death penalty is the most feared punishment among felons. A study presented in the British Journal of Criminology states that 99.9% of convicted capital murders plead for life without parole, rather than the death penalty during the punishment phase of their trials; the death penalty is feared more than a life sentence. The effectiveness of deterrence is not dependent on the death penalty itself, but with the quality of law enforcement. If all murderers were to be dealt with death swiftly and surely without exception, the deterrent factor would be very high. Yet in the US, for instance, only 6.2% of violent crime results in arrests. Hence it is not the institution itself but the way it is enforced that should be the crux of the deterrence debate.
Death penalty opponents also claim that the death sentence is cruel and barbaric. How conveniently they forget they argue that the death penalty offers no deterrence. It follows from their line of argument that people are more repulsed and disgusted by the act of killing, as death is the ultimate end, yet have no fear of facing the Grim Reaper. By revoking the death penalty, we are saving the lives of criminals who committed cruel and barbaric acts for selfish gains, and shoving dirt in the faces of victims' families. Are we not being cruel and barbaric ourselves? Furthermore, death penalty opponents do not appear to draw the line between murder and death penalty.Yet they do distinguish that imprisonment is not kidnapping, despite both holding people against their will. Killing in self-defence is permissible, yet killing to prevent further harm to society is not. Yet the death penalty, which aims to save lives, is regarded as murder. Where does the logic hold?
We know for a fact that the death penalty has not been empirically proven to deter crime, yet neither has it been convincingly shown to provide no deterrence. The various scientific and economic approaches used are limited at best and are far from complete examinations of the effectiveness of the death penalty. The debate continues even till today and countless studies have gone both sides of the argument. Since the deterrence factor is in doubt in empirical terms, we perhaps should look to what capital punishment is assuredly able to do; prevention of further heinous crimes by known felons.
Many death-row inmates are serial killers, hardcore felons, terrorists; violent individuals who have no inclination of repent and are likely to perpetrate more crimes. In cases of life imprisonment without parole, there is no further deterrent against committing murder in prison, as they will suffer no worse fate than they already are. Criminals who kill fellow inmates will never be punished for their further crimes, and will still be able to kill again. In the US, 6% of murderers paroled in 1978 were arrested for
murder again within 6 years of their release. If the value of life and rights of future victims count for anything in the eyes of death penalty opponents, any figure above 0% should be one victim too many; it could have been prevented.
Murder is immoral. However, we often accept the legal killing of violent criminals. Why else do we have lawful bearers of arms? The police and military are armed with weapons to defend the society and country they swore to protect. The 1980 Iranian Embassy siege resulted in 5 out of 6 terrorists killed by the SAS. The 1995 Air France hijack was resolved by the GIGN with no civilian fatalities; all four hijackers were killed. We condone such killings because we recognise that it is done to save lives. Why is the death penalty not accorded with the same logic we apply to such cases? We recognise that lives are lost for in the struggle for good of humanity. Placing the welfare of the society ahead of the few who absolved to destroy the lives of fellow humans is the pragmatic choice, and the morally upright one.B
Thou shalt not kill
James l^onghofer is less gung-ho when it comes to the state murdering its own citizens

The death sentence for Saddam Hussein has reminded me of my uncomfortable relationship with the death penalty. My home state is famous for many things,, but the amount of people that Texas executes gives it a grisly distinction. Coming from Harris County, which sends more people to the death chamber than any other in the state, I've seen the controversy up close.
To be honest, I don't necessarily have a problem with the idea of executing a person who has committed a particularly grievous crime. I think there are some extraordinary cases where capital punishment is an acceptable punishment. However, there are incredible problems with the way that America uses the death penalty and as long as those problems exist, I don't think it is possible for capital punishment to be considered just.
Since 1976, 1,055 people have been executed with 379 of them being executed in my home state. There are some racial biases in the way that the death penalty is enforced. 66 % of the people on Texas's death row are non-white. According to the US Justice Department, eighty percent of those facing federal capital charges were minorities. Additionally, an African-American who kills a white person is far more likely to be executed in the United States than a white person
who kills an African-American. I have yet to hear a convincing argument supporting the death penalty that takes the extent of the racial disparities into account. While I doubt that the juries in these capital cases are fire-breathing racists, there are clearly some factors that make the system unfair so that ethnic minorities are far more likely to be executed.
In order for capital punishment to be considered a just punishment, the justice system actually needs to work correctly. However, there are too many times where the defendants in capital cases have incompetent representation or other technical issues that prevent them from having a truly fair trial. Indigent defendants are often dependent on court-appointed attorneys and there are horror stories of the callousness and carelessness of these lawyers who literally have someone's life depending on them. The case of Calvin Burdine is one of the most shocking: his court-appointed lawyer literally fell asleep during his trial. Burdine tried to have his death sentence appealed on the basis that he could not have possibly received a fair trial if lawyer was so lazy that he couldn't be bothered to stay awake. Burdine's appeal was denied because his attorney only fell asleep during the less important parts of the trial.
The net effect of this is that those who can't afford a real attorney don't
have a good chance of receiving real legal representation. Because of this, the poor and minorities are far more likely to be executed for the same crime than those who have the means to afford legal service. How can the death penalty be considered moral when it disproportionally targets those in society who have the least? The problem of ineffective representation is only compounded in cases where there is police misconduct. Harris County, my home and the place that sends more people to Death Row than anywhere else in Texas, had a scandal where the local crime lab used contaminated DNA samples, tagged samples incorrectly, and employed people who were not qualified for their jobs. Even worse, there were documented cases were crime labs tailored their test results to. police theories. This resulted in cases where people were sent to prison on the basis of faulty evidence. Thankfully no one was executed on the basis of this evidence, but it does show the potential of the system to completely fail even the age of forensic evidence.
This gets to heart of my problem with death penalty. Since 1976, 122 people have been released from death row because they were not guilty of the crime they were sentenced to death for. The death penalty is a punishment that must be wielded with
the utmost care if it is used at all, and it is troublesome that people who were innocent of a crime were sentenced to death. Capital punishment is clearly an irrevocable punishment, and because of that extra care must be taken in order to ensure that people who are sentenced to death truly are those who committed the crime. As long as there is a chance that innocent people could be executed, it is wrong to employ capital punishment.
I don't think that there has ever been a capital punishment regime that was unimpeachable. However the finality of an execution requires that every aspect of the judicial system must be beyond reproach. As long as the system is biased against the indigent and minorities or there is a chance that an innocent person could be executed, I think it is impossible to morally support the death penalty.®
14 IBeaver | i4 November 2006	FEATUEESiBUSINESS/CAREERS
Ruled Britannia, our sovereignty thrown away?
Roger Lewis disagrees with those who argue for British national champions to be preserved
Glass, plasterboard, airports, ports, banks, water, electricity and, of course, steel. For those non-avid readers of the FT at the LSE, the above is a select list of the .various manufacturing and service sector firms that have succumbed to foreign takeovers over the past year or so. For some the recent takeovers of British companies represent a predatory threat to UK PLC, representing a decline in the strength of industry and the ability of our companies to compete effectively. Others, including the Government, are of the view that (in our age of globalisation) the weak
Our economy is now overwhelmingly geared to the services sector -' •' sk}^scrapers are the new coal mines
should succumb to the strong and that all takeovers represent investment in our economy.
They can be emotive issues. The Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Company (P&O) had been one of the longest serving members of the FTSE 100 Index of leading companies, while its history of taking passage to India and elsewhere meant for many people P&O embodied a British institution. BAA, formerly British
Airports Authority, proved another interesting bid. Taken over by Ferrovial of Spain earlier this year, BAA - at £10 billion the largest transaction this year - fought a lackluster campaign to 'Stay with BAA, whilst minor shareholders were outraged such a prized and (profitable) asset was falling in to foreign hands. The Government also expressed a little dissatisfaction - the group's break up may prove a product of this - but market forces persevered. And now Corus. An interesting point to notice is whenever the takeover bid for Corus appears in newspapers it's, almost always referred to as 'Corus, the former British Steel', as if the fact it was British Steel is somehow significant. Doubt has been expressed of the world's fifty-sixth largest steel company (Tata Steel of India) taking over the ninth largest, as ownership of the entire country's steel industry transfers overseas. Sir Anthony Bamford, Chairman of the JCB group and a respected industrialist, wrote to the FT asking why Corus itself has not been making the takeovers, as the turn around made by the group's management has been so successful. So are takeovers bad? One of the greatest traditional arguments against them is that if a French company buys a British factory, in a bad year it would be the British factory that is closed against the French since French unions have greater influence over where cuts are made. The recently announced closure of the Peugeot factory in Warwickshire provides a good example of this, and the absence of any car-producing national champion (RIP British Leyland) to protect
our domestic industry will in the longer-term be damaging to British jobs and exports. But this sounds very 1970s. The days of the Government nationalising slumbering companies are long-gone (British Steel was nationalised, twice) and if Britain cannot produce a good efficiently then it should be produced by a country that can - the comparative advantage of one company in producing a good or service to a higher standard at a lower cost will result in greater economic efficiency over time. This is perhaps the greatest argument in support of the takeover fashion: in the words of one Times Business commentator 'Our economic destiny lies elsewhere'. The figures certainly add weight to this. Our economy is now overwhelmingly geared to the services sector - skyscrapers are the new coal mines - and manufacturing less and less. Corns' market capitalisation (the value of investments in a firm) is almost £5 billion - for comparison the combined value of Britain's retail and corporate banks (the HSBCs and Barclays of this world) approaches £350 billion. Less-publicised are their acquisitions, like the media's preoccupation with declaring job losses but not job creation. HSBC recently forayed in to Central America with a large acquisition, Barclays re-entered South Africa by buying ABSA last year and Standard Chartered has been snapping-up banks all over South Asia and the B^r East.
Even if banking and insurance ('financial services') now lead the economy our manufacturing emphasis, it is argued, should be on goods with the greatest profit margins.
; UD-c: :'i;- Br;'::,:.	'
Hence the fact our pharmaceutical companies are world-leaders: GlaxoSmithKline and Astra-Zeneca. One of the best examples of a tired giant transforming itself from low-margin bulk items to high-margin goods is Imperial Chemical Industries (ICI, of which Astra-Zeneca was a part until its spinning off in the early 1990s). Out with chlorides, fertilisers and polythene, in with perfumes, starches and paints. As western
industrial capacity transfers to lower-cost emerging markets our lead should be taken in the 'high-knowl-edge' economy. Some even argue the pain incurred in the 1980s, as the likes of Leyland collapsed, has in the longer-term in fact been more beneficial. Given that huge French and American car companies are running in to difficulties today perhaps this argument may have some grounding.
It must also be remembered that manufacturing aside, when utility or infrastructure firms are purchased it is impossible to shift production abroad. That is, Heathrow cannot be picked up and moved to Madrid so jobs are secured and overseas investment is likely to rise. Secondly the amount paid for takeover target enters and circulates in the economy and may either be re-invested in the market or drive entrepreneurial growth. So in some respects, when a poorly-run company is bought by an overseas firms it pays a lot for it ('the takeover premium'), has to invest in it to make it more efficient and benefits the British economy by injection of FDI (Foreign Direct Investment) - an all-win situation?
So as the rump of traditional British industry is sold overseas -Leyland (Rover) lies in the hands of the Chinese, P&O sails off vrith the setting sun and Corus bids the FTSE farewell - we might say we have the best of both worlds: overseas firms owning old industry they are compelled to invest in and enormously powerful multinationals trading in those sectors we are best at. That is British steel. B
I work all night. I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay. Ain't it sad.
Kheng Lim, finance freak, claims that "real life isn't about fun and games." It's about money.
During the first class of one of my Third Year courses, the teacher asked us to describe ourselves and our post graduation plans, in an effort to get people to know each other Examples of things said were: "I plan to work as a trader at JP Morgan" or "I intend to pursue further study." At the very least, students made statements to the effect of: "I hope to find some sort of job." However, one particular girl declared loudly: "I have absolutely no idea what I want to do next year"
This girl was proud you see, proud that unlike the rest her classmates, •-she was a free spirit, unencumbered by the pressure to find a job in the City and join the rat race. She is not alone. Many students at the LSE have similar perspectives, and view the seriousness with which other students at this university plan their careers with contempt. Every term, commentaries appear in The Beaver decrying 'finance freaks', and each time I read such an article, my eyes roll at how ^sanctimonious some people can be. Let me start by admitting that the desire to gain employment with Goldman Sachs does reach ridiculous proportions at times, with every course and extracurricular activity chosen to maximise one's chances of being called for an interview. However, this is not to say that the desire for a career in finance is inherently a bad thing, rather, it is the obsession that is undesirable, not the "ambition itself.
Critics of 'finance freaks' often miss an important point: some people , do actually have a keen interest in
finance, and the high salary, although certainly a significant motivating factor, is not their sole reason behind choosing a career in the City. Perhaps this is not obvious to a Government or Anthropology student, but different things make different people tick, and the world is so much better because of this. If someone studies Accounting and Finance, we can assume that the person in question does have a certain level of interest in asset pricing. Others may be more fascinated by the social and political aspects of finance. How does politics in Iran affect oil prices, and as a result,
HidetomoTajiaka, friend of LSE	hi.^ accounting skills
what should be our position on oil futures? And when you laugh at investment bankers who average two hours of sleep a night, you have to remember that as strange as it may seem, there are people attracted to, and who positively thrive on this lifestyle.
Critics of 'finance freaks' also fail to take one major consideration into account - Britain's tough immigration rules. It is notoriously difficult for non-EU students to stay on in the UK after their studies. Generally speaking, work permits are not freely handed out unless the individual in question is able to fill a 'skills shortage', for instance, if he is a doctor or a nurse, which automatically excludes the bulk of LSE students.
Your average firm must prove to the Home Office that no candidate from the EU is able to fill a particular vacancy before the work permit may be granted. This is a process that involves high fees and mountains of paperwork. The result of these rules is that only extremely large employers, such as investment banks, consultancies or high calibre biotech firms have the time or the resources to deal with work permit candidates. As such, your average LSE Economics graduate from Nigeria or Kazakhstan has no choice but to seek employment with one of these firms if he does not wish to return immediately to Lagos or Almaty. Of course, I am not saying that every student from the developing world who applies to the City does so purely because of visa reasons, but it can be a factor.
Is the desire to have a good
income and to provide for one's progeny necessarily a bad thing? Again, it is important to mention that different individuals have different takes on life. Some care little for material possessions, and are content to pursue a path that they derive pleasure from, such as forming a band or writing poetry. Others are more altruistic and devote their lives to a cause, for instance, helping street children in the developing world or saving the rainforest.
However, there are also others who have the mindset that life is tough, and that real life isn't about fun and games, but rather, about balancing bills, seeing to mortgages and providing for one's children. To these people, student life may seem rosy, but they believe youthful idealism will disappear when the harsh realities of life kick in. As such, these individuals choose a career in finance or consulting simply because the high income stands them in good stead to deal with the difficulties of life.
Again, this is an example of different perspectives on life. Who is to say that one group is right and the other wrong? The asset manager wannabe has no right to mock Government students who take a year out to help the Koryak people of Siberia, any more than the SU hack has the right to laugh at those who desire a career in McKinsey.
The LSE is famous for its diversity, not just in terms of ethnicity and nationality, but also in ideology, philosophy and career paths, and quite frankly, this is what makes us thrive. Long may it be so. H H
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We have a range of opportunities available within our firm for people from all degree types, especially those with a keen intellect, excellent communication skills, analytical aptitude and a demonstrated interest in the financial markets.
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www.isesu.com/whatson
MONDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
17:00 Israel
Presentation by CneVoice Z225
19:00 Austrian
Film shewing: 'Silaitiun', an Austrian Film in Gezman with subtitles D306 South Asia
A screaiing of the iicvie 'Fiml Soluticn' followed ky discussicn with the director of the filjn, Raltesh Shaina A318
TUESDAY
8:30 C U
Prayer Meeting Chaplaincy 12:45
Disabilities Awareness Week Bert lassie, dmr c£ the 'Disability Ric^ts Qzrmissicn, official cpening iraip in frcnt of did building In front of Old Building
14:00 Yoga
Ashtanga Yoga Badminton Court
15:00 Business
Citigrtx^ ^peed D302
18:00 AISEC
Weekly Meeting S421
Disabilities Awareness Week
Talk with Anne tftcQuire, Minister for Disabilities
H216
18:15 Yoga
Intermediate Ashtanga Yoga D002 18:45
Disabilities Awareness Week Panel discussicn on autism Old Theatre
19:00 Debate
Weekly meeting D302 The Beaver party Underground Bar
20:00
Disabilities Awareness Week
Pii? Quiz vdth disabilities thane Three TUns 8:30 C U
Prayer Meeting Chaplaincy 12:00
Disabilities Awareness week Dyslexia and Dyspraxia interest Group H616 Open to all students, Exchange coping strategies, Learning about dyslexia and dyspraxia, Help raise awareness
13:00 Catholic Mass, Chaplaincy Green party WeeJcly Meeting, H104 Hindu
Vedic lunch, D211 Anime & Manga Drawing class, Z129 Accounting
Hcxnewrk help session, G107 Student Action for Refugees Weekly meeting, A283 G o
Weekly meeting, VlOl
Disabilities Awareness Week
Circles: 'PCit ycur tend ip if you're disced' A283
14:00 Pakistan
We^ly meeting, U203 Opera
Wedcly meeting, H104 Yoga
Inteniediate Hatha Yoga D702 15:00
Maths and Stats Hcxneviork help sessicn, Z332 Chess
Weekly meeting, K05 Disabilities Awareness Week Sign Language Lessons S421
16:00 Bridge Weekly meeting.
G107
18:15 Politics
Discussioi forum/meeting H103 20.00
A U Ni^t Quad
Disabilities .Awareness Week Film ni^t: Ihe Oslour of Paradise 8:30 C U
Prayer meeting Chaplaincy 11:00
Australia and New Zealand Weekly meeting D9
13:00 SU
UGM Old Theatre 14:00
Disabilities Awareness Week Sing Language lessens D702
15:00 S ingapore Weekly meeting K05
15:15 Economics
Intervaitim	F^ire, an infomal dis -
cussicn sessicn on free market Z032
17:30 Yoga
Hatha Yoga Badminton Court 18:00
People and planet Weekly meeting H103 Sikh-Punjab Misic class S78 Dance
Intermediat Hip Hpp class S75 Disabilities Awareness Week Film ni^t: A Beautiful Mind .
C U
OJ Central:Passion for Qsd - Shining Stars S50 Come along to CU Central meeting- LSE CU united on campus for dynamic praise and worship and practical teaching. Be prepared to meet many exciting and passionate people. Be prepared to have your heart ready and challenged for God.
visual Arts Life drawing class class D206
19:00 Debate Workshop S302
FRIDAY
C U
Prayer meeting Chaplaincy 12:00
Disabilities Awareness Week Canpus Orienteeringp/Quiz
13:00 Yoga
Intermediate Acrobatic Yoga D702 14:00
Disabilities Awareness Week Poetry Reading
15:00
Apologetics
Public seminar:'Jesus: just a prqphet?' H104
17:00 Hindu
Gita Classes Dll
19:00 Dance
Ballet Class S75
SATURDAY
Skool Disko Crush 11:30
Fight Racism! Fight Imperialism! Study day oi Iirperialian and its effect cn the
SOC NEWS
Congrats to the following societies who have recently set-up: Mexican, Swiss, Venture Capital and Private Equity, SHAFT
Want to be included in these listings? Send your event details to su.societies@lse.ac.uk Friday evening at the latest.
QUAD OFFICE HOURS
Jimmy Tam Secretary Friday, 1-2PM
General
Joel Kenrick, Treasurer Thursday, 2-3PM
Alex	Finnegan,	LGBT
Thursday, 2-3PM (in office of Alex Vincenti) E299
Alexandra Vincenti,
Education and Welfare Thursday, 2-3PM
Ali Dewji, Communications Friday, 2-3PM
Arthur Krebbers, Societies Friday, 1-2PM
Aled Fisher, Environment and Ethics
Monday, 1-2PM
Fadhil Bakeer Markar, International Students Tuesday, 1-2PM
Emma Hallgren
Students with Disabilities Tuesday 1-2PM
Shanela Haque, Anti-Racism Friday, 10AM-12PM
James Caspell, Postgraduate Officer
Thursday, 3-4PM
Zoe Sullivan, Womens Thursday 10-11 in D703
Louise Robinson, Residences Thursday, 2-3PM
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for fulmmc PG in S007 at any univferstey
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Some think
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We think it's about hitting them.

If you're keen to find out whether a career at Credit Suisse is right for you, make sure your applicatim reaches us on time.
Analyst Program -24 November 2006
Easter Internship Program >12 January 2007 Summer Internship Prc^ram -26 January 2(K)7
Working for an investment bank is deinandirig. Which is why we look for people who are ccx>l under pressure, work well in a team and take pride in delivering high qualify work on tinte, every time.
The kind of people, in fad, who never miss a decline Apply online and it coukJ be the start of a h^hly rewarding long-term reiaticMiship. One we think youll enj<^.
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18 iBeaverl 14 November 2006
'leam mates
This week Chris Naylor grills his teammates from the Filthy 4ths FC
Most intelligent: Nail'er; only failed his first year so he could get his four Calella stars. A genius in disguise.
Least intelligent: Ryan; only got his investment wanking job after repeatedly sucking cock at endless careers fairs.
Most skilful: Bachin'ho; after bashing wank after wank over Ronaldinho's skills. There's no guessing where he learnt them.
Biggest moaner: Gav; makes up for his lack of talent and singing ability with his abuse to fellow players on the pitch.
Hardman:
Tenderbender
Joshua
Team mate you would least like to be: Nils. A simple met-rosexual
Most likely to be a raging gay: Ryan (see above)
The joker: Joey Mellows...Who?
Biggest slag-puller: Nick 'ive got a girlfriend' Hammond
Who's the longest in the shower? Adam Aziz; takes him twenty minutes to find his cock.
Cock of the Week:
Take a bow Chris Naylor. Not only is the AU's most infamous and recognisable slag-shagger - continuing to argue that he has turned over a new leaf and is no longer the disgusting, dis-ease-ridden, sex-fiend that we all remember, but he is also attempting to justify his lies by getting a girlfriend. This week young Chris faced the wrath of his team mates as he made the ludicrous claim via email that he would be unable to attend a Filthy 4th team lash-up due to having a special 2-day anniversary night with the new missus. Seriously Chris -you're not fooling anyone, we know you are filth.
What a cock!
Slag of the Week:
Congratulations this week must go to Tbris bar-maid and AU groupie Tasha Marikkar who has beaten off some strong competition this week to win the coveted title. The lovely Tasha was spotted going home with rising AU star Josh Tenderbender on Monday night and thus sparked a row in the Abingdon Whore-house over the rights and wrongs of bedding a boy your housemate fancies. Still hungry for more cock, however, Tasha has been "confirmed to have bedded a T\ms bar-man by the name of Rob just days later and seems committed to becoming a one-woman sex wave.
What a slag!
Men's Football
The Cypriot Express
Nick Quin
Champagne 7ths	3
Queer Maty 4ths	3
Cyprus
An epic tale of a team, brought together through mutual hatred, and hatred forlUrkey, with one' mission: the title. The ground breaking production explores the highs and lows of an LSE team aligned to Greece, fighting against polytechnics, ridiculing Rupert, and in some cases extending their degrees and giving up jobs to make sure the show goes on!
The latest performance received rave reviews, despite a small cast after many last minute altercations and issues. The cast approached south east London to face a team who had swept all before them this season: Queen Mary 4ths, Just like the Greek Cypriot struggle with the Turks, the 7ths have had many encounters in the past with perhaps the pikiest team in the ULU league, and come out on top of some epic struggles with heroism.
The plot is widely considered to be a modern masterpiece. The team went in 1-0 down at half time, and then conceded a dodgy penalty. With nothing going for them many begin to fear the worst, but marvellous goal keeping and shuffles to the pack soon
after the second goal dragged the team back from the brink. K-Lo moved into centre stage to orchestrate proceedings, and immediately set up the Sheriff of Shottingham for his first strike of the season with a beautiful through ball. Soon after, he produced a free kick goal from inside his own half, floating beyond the keeper, but defensive errors pegged the 7ths back again.
The importance of strength of character shines through, however, with three stunning goals after the last setback, left back Samir from 30 yards, the Sheriff's second, followed by an inch perfect lob from Rupert Guest to make it 5-3. The crowd went wild, and the tale of triumph over adversity was complete, many of the sell out audience likening it to the
classical Nick Green masterpiece of two years ago against the same team. The show is rounded off with the performance of a well choreographed dance routine, sending fans wild.
Performances of the Cypriot Express can be seen Wednesdays and Saturdays in South London, Wednesday Nights in the Three Tuns, and Thursday matinees in the Old Theatre at one O'clock, they are definitely not to be missed; especially with the ongoing subplot of the Welsh led battle for the Captaincy next season. Also! Look out for the sideline production of 'Whalehound: The life and times of a successful whalehunter' starring Rupert Guest, premiering at a Walkabout near you.

Ran I
Respect my AU-thority
Rupert Guest
Ever since Jesse Owens stood up to Nazism in the Olympics of 1936, sport and politics have been inextricably interwoven. This tradition was upheld throughout the latter half of the twentieth century by the Soviet Union's rivalry with the United States, and of course the Mighty Ducks' clash with Team Iceland at the Junior Goodwill Games in D2: The Mighty Ducks. It is no surprise that in a politically charged university like LSE, the two mix so potently at the UGM eveiy Thursday.
Interhall football
Louise Robinson
'don't normally enter into the world of sports other .than watching Match of the
The last four meetings of the UGM have been farcical as the hacks and the AU do battle over the divisive issue of paper throwing. This debacle has highlighted the growing schism between the SU and the AU. Every week there is an update on the situation which is presented in such an annoy-ingly patronising manner that it further inflames the huddled masses on the balcony. Indeed two weeks ago, the point was raised by an AU member that the Union need not spend £3000 per hour employing lawyers to advise on the case when the School has one of the best Law Departments in the country. The hacks countered saying that LSE professors were not knowledgeable in that specific branch of law. If this truly is the case, which I doubt it is, then it is truly concerning that such a reputable
Day (supporting my beloved Wigan Latics) but duty called and I found myself organising the Interhall Football tournament for the year. I'd just like to add a little note to all the players and say best of luck and play nice! Because there are three extra halls opened this year, there are three more teams in the competition, and
part of the School's intellectual tapestry has a gaping hole in it.
All throughout this prolonged episode, the UGM ringmasters have failed to acknowledge the function that the AU serves at such meetings. It combats the ridiculous motions that find their way onto the order of business every week. True, the election of a fictitious Honorary President would be apt to lead the gaggle of cartoons resembling the Sabbaticals, but the AU dismissed such an act with a deluge of paper and kept the order of play flowing on to more worthwhile causes. Further evidence of the AU's key role was on display during a rant about banning connotations of the word 'gay'. Even if the motions was passed, what was the Union going to do? I'm not sure a strongly worded let-
so I decided that having two groups and then a final playoff for the third place and glorious winner would be the best plan of action. The first game was this Sunday, and I'll be adding scores to the Beaver in future editions so keep an eye out for your halls to see if they're going to make it into the finals! It's sure to be an inter-
ter would give Chris Moyles enough sleepless nights to embark on a crusade to alter vernacular language . Pure circus.
The only time LSE is truly united is on a Wednesday vidth a unique combination of sports. The Tuns and Walkabout. The AU is perhaps the most cohesive organisation at the LSE. If the SU wants to regain credibility, it should find a solution that will reintegrate the Athletics Union back into Union. So I urge you all to come on Thursday and help prevent the Dewrji dynasty from rendering the UGM a useless forum.
esting competition, and well done to the dedicated teams who are going to be braving the cold Sunday afternoons that are coming up in honour of the beautiful game. Best of luck again, and may the best Roseberians win!
Fannv
The Fanny Report
Hello again my lovelies! I'm back again to name, shame and maim (your reputations that is, you filthy slags.) The AU exec this week took the annual trip to Howie D's Strand townhouse to show him just how much alcohol it takes for them to cause £23k's worth of damage. Livesina TransitVan took the challenge too far and attempted to cause damage to many innocent strangers' faces, demolished a bottle of wine in one, and was then reprimanded by French aristocrat King Louis of the Holy Toss with a couple of royal smacks in the face. Hoey Fellow also set the precedent for future Execs by drinking from an ashtray; Fanny can only assume he was very thirsty.
Repercussions were still being felt from last week's shenanigans after rugby thirds subjected themselves to some self-punishment so extreme that Manual Hen vomited a tooth. Shisha-sha is rumoured to be STILL pulling Mini Pamel, in spite of repeated attempts by sane companions to veer her toward someone slightly less Farquaad-like. r^t Adam should also still be cringeing after his night of steroid-fuelled passion with a German weightlifter, whose shoulders were apparently wider than the girth you'd give to a suicide bomber with a nervous twitch. Her manly ways , obviously must have made Adam feel emasculated, since later that week he ploughed through a boy and into a girl at Gardening Club and penetrated the poor girl with a watering can. Footie 4ths kept up the continental theme; with Victor Meldrew keeping up his pull-a-week record by putting more than one foot in Belgian Micha Shesaweiner's errr... grave.
Regular AU haunt Vodka Island saw some action after The Gash tended to our "Slag of the Week", yet neither party admitted any recollection of the incident. Wednesday night saw the whorehouse whores whoring it up; Whorer Halfwit finding herself cornered by a nocturnal	enuresis
vorarephilic (look it up on wikipedia), Kath With NoNicksOn re-offending with David the Yorkshireman and Snidy Moaner leaving a Swede at the door (makes a change).
Remember everyone; the walls have ears, coconuts have. eyes and the Beaver has Fanny when it's lucky...
Mwah xxxx
SPORTS	^Beaver 114 November 2006 19
Rugby
2nds by name
Mr McGee
I-SE 3rd XV LSE 2nd XV Berrylands
24 5
2nd by nature
There was something different about this Wednesday amongst the Mighty LSE Thirds. This was the moment we had all been waiting for since we filled in our UCAS forms - something glorious was about to happen. On the train to Berrylands spirits were high with Tom "the Tank" Chitseko being quoted as saying, "we're definitely going to win", and having withheld Royal Holloway far better than the seconds could the week before we had a right to be optimistic and the seconds a right to be prepared. Unlike previous Third Teams that graced the LSE this one had a different objective ... winning!
Everything was going according to plan, especially due to the unexpected request from the firsts to change kits with us just before our pre-game warm up - was this a sign for things to come?
The match started in its usual way with the opposition winning the toss but in retrospect I am not too bothered by this, as it was the last thing the seconds would win that day. Controversy over players surrounded the game which made tempers soar and even I was impressed with the, 'once you're a third, you're always a third', attitude that was displayed by my entire team.
The game got underway, and immediately the Thirds attacked. The Seconds looked as nervous and edgy as Barrow does on the dance floor, who through medical difficulties commonly known as AIDS was held him back from playing in the fixture. Get well soon. The hard hitting around the neck tackles from the seconds made life increasingly difficult for the huge back line of the thirds. Within 15 minutes Dan Yuen had broken the deadlock with a superb try and this was shortly followed by one of the greatest solo runs ever made by John Schmitz who scored the second before full-back Konrad slammed home the third. Sameer "I train in the Bar" Daar had his kicking boots with him and put over 2 conversions and that was the end of the first half. Yes that's correct. At the end of the first half it was 19 points for the Thirds, 0 points for the sec-
onds.
The game got progressively more violent, as frustration within the ranks of the seconds lead to them becoming increasingly dirty and therefore many injuries followed which lead to a debate of whether or not the light would last. Sameer then scored what could only be described as a textbook try!
Unfortunately, with only 10 minutes left to play the seconds came back with a solitary held up try.
The game was over, all that was left to do now was celebrate! A common practice of eating a Wright's Bar mixed grill was followed by The Hins where I was monstered for being the first Third Rugby team captain to beat the seconds. It was a great day for all concerned even though most of us are still nursing a few injuries.
An anonymous player of the seconds was asked how this historic LSE sporting result was achieved? He simply answered, "through the commitment, training and heart of the third team. Well done lads".
Final score was 24-5 which could only leave the local press asking the seemingly obvious question,"Would the thirds be giving the first team jerseys back?"
Basketball
The war of wapping
Joe Quaye
LSE 2:1s LSE 2:2s Wapping
50 48
An intensive selection process over the first weeks of term saw over 70 contenders for the Men's Basketball team whittled down to two very strong squads. With the 1st 'Team concentrating on the BUSA league this year, the 2nds are looking forward to fielding two teams against the usual collection of polys, medics and unintelligible acronyms that litter the ULU leagues.
The first match of the season saw the 2:1s pitted against the 2:2s in a fraught high-tempo engagement: El Capitan Ricardo expects the 2:1s to win the league this year and fielded his strongest players in the 2:1s. In theory this match should have been a walkover, but strong defence and big hustle from the 2:2s saw a game that was tighter than Erwin's Dutch accent.
In typical ULU league style, the ref failed to show up.
This prompted Captain Ricardo to inflict his umpiring abilities on both teams. A cautious start saw few points being scored with the 2:1s leading the first quarter 9-4. The 2:1s team talk failed to instil the discipline necessary to add to this lead and the 2:2s took their opportunity like an AU paper thrower. Maximos 'finally got a girlfriend' Theodoridis and 2:2 Captain Brandt sliced through the 2:1 defence, leaving the 2:1s leading by only one point at half time.
The 2:1s perked up in the third quarter and managed to distribute the ball better An 8-0 run with field goals from Wee Chian, Jessie, Erwin and Ley saw the 2:1s beginning to show the type of basketball they will be capable of this season. But a late buzzer beater from Brandt pulled the lead of the 2:1s back to four points. The tension in the air as the fourth quarter began was more striking than Vincent's pink boxers. The heads of the 2:2s dropped as 2:1 point guard TJ Abbonzio shot three huge field goals to extend the lead to 9. Missed free throws by the 2:1s gave Brandt, Bali and Maximos a chance to level the scores at the end of normal at a rather pathetic 36-all (see last week's back page on the First Team's
101-point raping of Essex).
The levels of aggression rose in the first period of over time and Captain Ricardo had to step in to give both teams a very stern finger wagging. David Lee and TJ traded shots from the arc in a manner which typified the massive desire of both teams to win this game. After five minutes of overtime the scores were still tied. If John McDermott was writing this he'd be able to find some apt adjectives to describe the atmosphere in the final quarter. Suffice to say nervous antagonism filled the court as nobody wanted to lose the game for his team. TJ set the pace by hitting a two-pointer only for the lead to be -pegged back by Maximos making two free-throws under huge pressure. With thirty seconds to go the scores were still tied, but TJ stepped up to the challenge and hit the final field goal. The exhausted 2:2s could not retrieve the ball and the 2:1s were victorious. The 2:2s had won two of the four quarters, but in the end it came down to one basket. Neither team was happy with the result but the game showed how badly both teams want to win this season. And that can never be a bad thing.
Golf draw despite Hall loss
Felix Maximus Scheder -Bieschin
LSE Golf	3
Random Kent	3
Golf course	
Last Wednesday the most amazing ball strikers of LSE took on the best that Kent School (a happy place for those less able to read, write, add, subtract and woo women) had to offer. The team was keen to keep its perfect all win record going. However, they knew that this was not going to be easy as the Kent course is world-renowned for eating up LSE golf balls, players, caddies and what not. Also it was kind of cold and windy outside - this however really helped the eager reporter to sober up from late night pint action. He could see Captain Joel Shamash getting ofi to a great start in front of the big crowd, missing the fairway only by about a hundred meters. He took it from there, missing every other fairway as well and only came out of the woods to chip in for par here and there. Nonetheless, he escaped 'The Monster' - as Kent retards like to call their badly kept course - snatching away the win in his match by 2 and 0. Youngster Chris Powell tried to do the same, but his opponent was not as impressed and managed to cheat Chris out of a debut win on the last
hole. Steady Andrew Pluskal taught his partner the ways of golfing to send him home with a 3 and 2 smackdown. The French Connection of the team, Pierre Ferrero fought fiercely hard to do the same. However, the out of bounce came into his path, and took away a surely missed point after an 18-hole drama which was soon washed away by alcoholic beverages at the 19th hole. Behind that group the incredibly wealthy Scott Hall played some truly amazing golf against one of England's U21 national golf team. Scott had the kid on the brink of his first career loss ever only to get struck by lightning on the 18th hole and thus not being able to finish God's work. The incredibly hot (on and off the golf course) German, Felix Scheder, himself did not get distracted by all the Playboy models, photographers and fans following him around and played the match of the day. To the pleasure of his spectators, he blazed away his American opponent Ryder Cup style with huge drives, producing a bucket load of eagles and birdies and was escorted home through the crowds vrith cigar and champagne after an impressive 4 and 3 win. Unfortunately, all this amazing golf only added up to an overall 3 and 3 tie, our heroes thus giving away the first points of the season. However, the LSE all-star golf team is really looking forward to their next trip into warmer regions (Bermuda) where they will be showing Essex School
the ways of excellence at driving, putting and - most importantly - pub golf. Rumours also have it that the long awaited driving range trips to Shanklands for all those interested in hitting it like Tiger will be starting soon...
Football
Unbeaten srds win again
Joe Butler-Biggs
LSE Footie Srds Surrey 5ths Surrey
The Mighty Thirds, still the only unbeaten team in the FC with four wins and two draws, had an early-moming start and a long trip to play Surrey University 5th team on Wednesday. Still missing their leading scorer, ladies-man Will Wilson (who has been off with an unspecified groin injury), it was a chance to consolidate their status at the top of the league. The supreme comfort of the minibus and the smooth melodies of Magic FM must have contributed to the cause of a lethargic first half performance, as despite revealing some flashes of the flowing football that has been so effective thus far, the score-line remained 0-0 at half time with a noticeable lack of tempo to LSE's performance. Credit should be awarded to a massively fired-up Surrey team (most of whom were no doubt on parole) who were being gently encouraged by the constipated curses of the most venomous supporter outside of Portsmouth. Having seemingly OD'd on his team's testosterone pills, he swore and gumed his way through the match aided by his side-kick, a
short, fat, bald man (obviously-)
Talking of short, fat, bald men, the half-time team-talk gave skipper James McGurn a chance to raUy his troops and rid them of whatever speU had been cast upon them since the last match. Whatever was said (I can't remember) it was inspirational and a few minutes of high-velocity football into the second half, a pinpoint left wing cross from Jaymal Amin found the head of Joe Butler-Biggs, who headed goalwards for Dave Dallas to provide the final touch into the net. Celebrations were short lived though, as the troglodyte replacement for the referee coughed his last front tooth into the whistle to signal offside. Not to be discouraged, LSE had finally showed up and were giving their opponents little time on the ball whilst making good progress going forward. Sure enough one of their opportunities turned goal-den. A peach of a free kick from the returning Oil Ursino found the head of Dallas who was this time most definitely onside - cue much delirious (and very manly) hugging.
Yet another goal from a comer consolidated the lead with around 65 minutes on the clock. Tyler Switkay connected with Amin's comer to well and truly knock the wind out of Surrey's sails. It had the reverse effect on the hyperactive beast on the sideline, however, who had apparently worked something out by him-
self for the first time since hitting puberty. The last five goals against them had all been scored from set plays. None from open play apparently. Would you believe it? Delighted with his observa^ tibnal skills, he repeated this with a passion comparable to Archimedes until we won the ball back from kick off, when he commenced with his usual vitriol. Soon after, in open play, McGum fovmd himself challenging for a 50-50 ball in the 6-yard box and winning, poking the ball over the line and maintaining his challenge for the golden boot as the result was put beyond doubt.
The 3-0 lead turned out to be important with fifteen or so minutes left. Surrey not only had a 12th man in the stantfe (well, standing at the side yelling a lot) but they had seemingly paid off th6 referee to make a hash of as many decisions as possible, generally in favour of the home team. At 1-0, LSE's Joe B-B was pulled down for the most blatant of penalty decisions, no surprises to find out the decision was negative, whilst a perfectly timed challenge at the other end was an ample excuse for Santa's evil twin to give Surrey the opportunity for a consolation, their striker sending Ray Daamen the wrong way to deny the back five a thoroughly deserved clean sheet.
Team mates
Who takes one for the team?
Chris Naylor
AU exec meet Howie
And we wonder why there's not goingtobefaBdirel
Fanny
High Holborn hopes
Interhdlffootball Ijeague kicks off
Louise Robinson
		
		
		
		
		
		
sports
Mellows elected: Beaver implodes
Joey "Big Dog" Mellows

Bloody hell.You know the LSE is going to the dogs when a complete bell-end can get a position as prestigious as Beaver Sports Editor. I won't lie to you either. I'll probably fuck it up. At least Sam Jones can suck my balls now I've finally been elected though. In all seriousness, it's been another fucking strange week in the life of Big Dog. I've done all the usual stuff, just in fucking weird circumstances. I've had the ex-missus giving me grief as well on the old emails. The other day she sent me a shit for-^warded message with some crap about sending this email to 10 people or your bollocks will drop off. I made the massive mistake of simply asking to be taken off her group e-mail list so as not to receive such drivel in the future. This was her response:
"I don't want to argue...but don't u think its a bit rude..?
"And yes Joe, I do still think of you as I knew you then. You obviously haven't changed that much - still lying, drinking too much and embarrassing yourself." " Fucking hell! Give me a break love. Just because I'm not around anymore to give you some vitamin J doesn't mean you've got to be mean and stuff. Fucking girls hey. Talking of girls, I've had a pretty good run of it recently. It all started about a month ago when I gave some lucky lady the best 3 minutes of her life back in Camden. I must have been on form that night because I lasted about 30 seconds last week. Even I was
embarrassed but tried to laugh it off by shouting the word 'Banter' very loudly and then pretending to be asleep when she questioned whether I had actually finished or not. What with being so rock and roll and stuff I turned down a threesome last weekend as well. Whatever. I'm 'special friends' with a girl at Birmingham University and she was tiying to get me to send a picture of Joey Junior to her over MSN. Here's what went down:
joey says:
im really not that homy at the mo. so dont think I'm gonna be sending u any rude pics Kate says:
why not think about fucking us
joey says:
i thought about that already Kate says:
or just send a picture of ur
sexy face
joey says:
go on my facebook
Kate says:
No. go on MY face....book joey says:
lol. come dovim to london and i will - happily, as many times as u want Kate says:
Why not come and give it to us both now?
joey says:
no offence. I've turned down threesomes before. Shit-loads. Im more of a one on one type of person.
Kate says:
well we can giv u some one on
one action!
joey says:
maybe,
Kate says:
ul regret it
joey says:
probably. Sorry.
Do you reckon I've got problems? I mean, I've had to change her name obviously as she knows a couple of other people at the LSE but she's an 8.5/10 and her mate probably a
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7. The booze and fragile mental state must be making me go crazy. Speaking about booze for that matter brings me on to last Wednesday.
While you lot were slumming it in The Tuns and arguing over which one of the golf team hasn't taken it up the arse, I was getting lashed up at Howard Davies' house. Normal really. I got properly battered as well and started talking to him about how many fights he's been in and whether he thought I could 'take' Ali Dewji. [I later found out I definitely couldn't as Ali is some karate champion or something bent]. After leaving Howard's r can't remember too much apart from being told I downed a bottle of wine, drank out of an ash-tray and lined up for The Gardening Club before nmning oft and collapsing in a panting, sweaty, blood soaked mess in Passfield bar. Standard.
I often wonder whether I need to cut down on the lash. I mean, one of these days something really bad could happen, possibly even worse than waking up in bed with a half-naked Jimmy Little as I did 3 weeks ago. That stuff is not cool man. Problem is that if I cut out drinking it would leave
more time for my other 2 past-times. Namely the vicious circle that is wanking and crying. At least the drinking makes me forget about the crying. I'm sure it's the same for all of you but a 'quiet night in' for me is having dinner, then maybe either a cry followed by a wank, or a wank followed by a cry, and then 3 to 4 Newcastle Brown Ales down at the bar before randomly poking girls I would like to sleep with on Eacebook. I'm sure that's pretty standard and something we all do but I'm beginning to feel like I need to change. Maybe you should to.
Finding a good girl to look after me would be a start. Problem is I'd probably make the worst boyfriend ever as girls are really nice and don't really appreciate my more 'unique qualities' such as having eczema, dribbling and pretending to be a spastic when introduced to people's 'friends from home'. Plus - I feel like I'm a bit too old to be hitting on the Fresher girls and I don't want to be seen as a perv or some sort of sick sex pest like Chris Naylor or James Hackett. I've seen a lot of really cute girls this year as well. A lot of the ones I've spoken to though either have some
boyfriend 'from home' or are dating the cockiest arse-hole from their halls. At least I've only got 4 weeks left until I go back to Dallas and see my Hooters girl. Yeah - shameless, but thought I'd slip that in. I'm beginning to make myself cry
Photograph: Aditi Naiigia
now though, so had best stop reflecting on my miserable life and just wish you all the very best of TViesdays.
Next week - more news on my proposal for a charity
Laura Parfitt
Times have changed and the first-time all-female sports ed team is no more (enter depressing violin music). The Bainton has moved on to bigger and better things; going out at the weekend, passing her degree... generally having a life outside the Beaver office (greatly debatable). So it's a sorry goodbye to Sancha from me; you will be greatly missed! Sancha's Quark skills, intelligent sense of humour and general Legendness are second to none and she is welcome to inspect my Beaver anytime she feels like. Her love of Tottenham Hotspur will however not be missed in the slightest. Instead I've been landed with an alcoholic, slaggy, self-proclaimed "unpredictable wild-man" to
be my partner in censurable crimes against the Beaver readership. I've been warned that Joey will almost certainly come on to me; if not now then after a few pints of Guinness. Now it's supposed to be Beaver Sports tradition for the editors to hook up, but neither Joey or I can quite remember whether that has already happened back in the day in good ol' Bankside. Knowing both of us, there's a good chance it has.
Despite our significantly differing opinions about which football team is the greatest in the world, and significantly differing levels of relevant background knowledge to support our decision, I'm sure we'll still get along just swell. Nonetheless, we do have similar opinions on one thing: Chelsea. We both fucking hate the cheating scumbags. And we hate Arsenal even more. All in all it makes for the beginning of a beautiful relationship...