28F[B 2000
"'\i' "1 S<?
BRITISH LIBRARY OF POLITICAL
Ferbruary 21st, 2000
blished May 5,1949 wspaper of the LSESU Executive Editor: Daniel Lewis E-mail: d.iewis@lse.ac.uk
Benazir demands the Truth
Tomos Livingstone
B
Truth
enazir Bhutto last week used a speech at the LSE's New Theatre to call for a South African-style and Reconciliation to be formed in
Committee Pakistan.
The former Pakistan premier told the packed meeting '1 want officers to apologise to the Pakistani nation...! have been the victim of inhumanity.' Referring to allegations of corruption she added 'Benazir Bhutto is not the criminal -those who arrested businessmen and bureaucrats and tortured them are the criminals.'
The call came after Ms Bhutto, removed from office in 1996, had kept LSE's finest waiting for almost an hour, as rumours of forgotten speeches and gridlocked traffic circulated amongst the audience. Many were turned away by what some saw as overly-heavy handed security - 'there was a bit of a lack of organisation,' said one second year IR student. 'Claims that we would be trampled to death if we didn't get out of the way were a little melodramatic.' Others, perhaps more accurately, bemoaned the use of a comparatively small venue for such a high-profile speaker.
Those who did make it to the Grimshaw-club organised event were told that 'to those who have fought for democracy in Pakistan, democracy died long ago.' Pakistan's problems, Ms Bhutto claimed, were caused by a military concerned that they could lose control of security policy. The military fostered 'blue-eyed boys' like Nawaz Sharif, who subsequently grew 'too big for his boots.' Mr Sharif was removed from office in a military coup last October.
The choice for the country lay in a move away from the politics of the past - security was now an issue of access to markets. The time had come to bring down the 'Berlin Walls' of South Asia, to open up economic barriers to prosperity.
But it was on the twin issues of Kashmir and corruption allegations that the People's Party figurehead was most forceful. She joked that on Kashmir 'it will take some time for India to come round to my
A

Benazir Bhutto addresses a packea meeting m tne New Tneatre
Picture - Neha Unia
position,' before outlining her belief that, while final constitutional solutions were a matter for Kashmiris, it was for India and Pakistan to come to an arrangement on containment of the conflict. Bhutto added that one of her regrets from her time in office was that she had not visited New Dehli to discuss the situation in Kashmir.
Short shrift was given to the notion of Islamic extremism - 'there are plenty of extremists in the West' claimed Ms Bhutto to cheers from sections of the audience. She also took the opportunity to deny all allegations of corruption against herself and members of her family. 'I gave up money and privileges to serve my country,' she asserted before adding that her husband had not, as is alleged, taken a single dollar in government loans while she was Prime Minister.
The call for a reconciliation committee came amidst claims that the former Prime Minister could still gain the support of the Pakistani people if there were a return to democracy. 'We had good economic management while I was in charge; we doubled the revenues of the country - if I have
to blow my own trumpet then I will.' Pakistan has been under military rule since October last year, and with the dismissal of one the country's most senior judges earlier this month for refusing to pledge his allegiance to General Musharraf, the chances of an early return to democracy, as many in the audience conceded, look bleak.
Ms Bhutto concluded her trip to Houghton Street by officially opening last week's global festival.
7 want officers to apologise to the Paldstani nation...l have been the victim of inhumanity... I gave up money and privileges to serve my country,'
Apathy Strikes
Last week's UGM had a distinct aura of anti-climax - following weeks of frantic letter writing and leafleting by element s within the union, the feared mass mobilisation against the proposed Union 'diversity statement' failed to materialise. There were only two questions asked, one of which concerned a technicality, and only four people could be seen voting against the move to enshrine nondiscrimination in the constitution. None of the Beaver's erstwhile correspondents saw fit to take to the stage, and the motion passed to the evident excitement of the Sabbaticals.
Global Week a-go-go - Page 3
rfteBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000
©ws
Ims^

Fixtures and Fittings Included
The Union's sporting facilities have been further improved with the re-opening of the changing and shower rooms. A not Inconsiderable sum of £60,000 has been spent rendering the rooms a pleasant environment to accompany the new sports areas.
The project was initially intended to be completed in two years, but after significant pressure from the union it was moved forward to be completed over the Christmas holiday.
Jonathon Black, General Secretary of the Student's Union, suggested that "the old changing rooms were a major blight on the Union's state of the art gym facilities" and expressed his pleasure that the refit had been carried out successfully and quickly.
1. ^

Even Jan would approve of these showers Picture : Neha Unia
Brace yourself for Gay Week

* ¦^1


In a week that has seen the gay rights issue rumble on, the LGB society is preparing itself for its annual LGB Week.
This years' events will have the added importance given the flood of comment that has flowed from the Union's plan to incorporate an Equality Statemen. This very newspaper's own pages will bear witness to the comment that has been unleashed. Letters, articles and news leads have.all been written en-masse and in length. This has prompted perhaps the biggest debate on this issue for some time within the LSE.
However, against this backdrop the LBG intends to have as much fun as possible, and opens ts arms to all, and for your delctation is a list of the events as planned.
Monday 28th - Screening of queer as folk + party in the quad. Free shot of vodka for all that come.
Tuesday 29th - "A Boy's Life" in room A141 from 7.30pm. 3 tales of coming out.

Blue and Black is sooo last season
Wednesday 1st - "Wilde" in room E304 from 7.30pm. Story of Oscar Wilde with Stephen Fry + Jude Law. Followed by Soho bars and Fruit Machine at Heaven.
Thursday 2nd - "Go Fish" from 7.30. Room TBC. Tale of lesbian love.
Friday 3rd - "High Art" in room E304 from 7pm. A poignant story
Picture : Archives
of lesbian attraction in the world of New York high art and cocaine abuse. Followed by Vespa + Baby Lotion (500 women in Islington, 10-4, £6, house + garage) for girls and Edge + G.A.Y for boys.
All are welcome, sexuality.
regardless of
PuLSE Radio is now broadcasting 24 hours a day!
You can hear PuLSE by either using your computer (connected to the LSE Netv/ork / Internet) or by visiting the Quad or SU Shop
Not only are PuLSE providing a massive bar subsid at this week's Crush, they're also giving a goodie bac full of CDs and other gifts to one lucky person.
Just e-mail beaverfgjpulsefm.co.uk with the answer t( this question:' What is the web address for i^LSE
FM?'
¦News
TheBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000
Globalism @ the old theatre

Ramez Mikdashi
Last week saw Global Week come and go at ttie LSE. as over 20 student societies participated m various cultural events. Monday kicked off with a global quiz night in the Tuns, the Scandinavian Society s Viking Party hit the Quad on Tuesday and Wednesday was the Indian Society's Millenium Dhamaka. Thursday brought the Asian food festival to the Underground Bar. with participation from 6 different Asian student societies.
The highlight of the week was Thursday evening's Global Show held at the Old Theatre and organised by the Ensemble Society, the self-styled successors to the now-defunct Global Society.
At dress rehearsals for the show on Wednesday, Ensemble co-chairs Aparna Maroo and Unnati Patel told TheBeaver that their society was created to bring cultures together at the LSE and that they wanted to build upon the success of their International Grooves party last term. The show was introduced by former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto and included guitar-accompanied ballads from the Malaysia Club and several traditional Greek dances from the Cypnot Society, with other performances including the Filipino, Hellenic, Hindu, Indian, Swing, African-Caribbean, Drama, and Music societies. The show was free to all and in addition to organising the event, the Ensemble Society provided direct

"1^
Global Show in the Old Theatre: long needed expose Pics: N. Unia
creative input by staging a humorous Goodness Gracious Me-style sketch, complete with "innit" references.
According to Entertainment Sabbatical Officer Alan Hatton, the


tmo
idea behind Global Week "is to celebrate cultural diversity - which is present at the LSE, more so than at most British Universities." Global Week has two goals, Hatton told TheBeaver: "it serves as an

opportunity for one or more groups to hold an event and get closer [to each other] - or more importantly to hold an event which targets non-members and is inclusive in nature." He confirmed that even the School authorities had been involved in Global Week, with the Brunch Bowl, the LSE's standard-bearer of culinary excellence, serving international food throughout the week.
However, the organisers neglected to use all of the publicity opportunities available to them on campus. A possible criticism comes from PuLSE Radio. Clare Taylor, Programme Controller of PuLSE told the Beaver that she had received no requests for shows or advertisements from any societies regarding Global Week. It is notable that no student group took advantage of PuLSE to promote Global Week. By broadcasting directly into the Quad from the peak times of 11 AM to 4 PM, the societies involved could have directly reached many students.
The week ended with a specially themed Crush party featuring R'nB music in the Underground Bar, courtesy of the African-Caribbean Society. At the time of going to press, the Beaver cannot confirm if the night was a success; however, it seems that Global Week's ethos of bringing people together was validated by the cooperation between the Salsa Society and the Malaysia Club in bringing Latin music to the Quad on Friday.
Was the Global Week publicity campaign adequate? Pic: N. Unia LSE students:- Lords of the dance?
Pic: Neha Unia
Union Jack
s It Jack, or is the SU turning into new Labour? We were finally led into a brave new worid of equality (one could almost hear a whining American voice adding '..and justice for all..' after every speech) fay a slightly anally-retentive guy clutching a ring binder, and a big fat chap who just makes jokes and shouts, seeing off a bunch of weird right wingers who think the most important policy issue is how many transexuals there might be lurking behind chairs in the Shaw Library.
Oh, and Beks was realty hungover. Can't think of an alcoholic politician to compare her top, Thatcher seems a bit harsh^ and Blackwell tells me Beks doesnt have a sufficiently matronly pose. Alan Clark? He wasn't really into Equal Opportunities, but neither was Beks on Wednesday night. Allegedly.
Fat Bob seems to have a network of gophers to go and get him food. Finally - a use for Global week! Altogether now 'Who ate all the Thais?'
Bob's food also provoked a mass outbreak of target practice from upstairs. Jack is intrigued by the evolution of the projectiles from the balcony boys in recent times. The missile of choice now resembles a Beaver-based Molotov cocktail, which spins through the air like a rugby ball. Ah. Causal link. Someone did try and kill too birds with or\e stone by chucking at football at Beks and Charlotte, while managing to hit none of Fat Bob.
Unfortunatley someone is going to get hurt sopn. So make sure it's someone unpleasant, or someone running for election. Preferably both. Or a member of the newest and strangest alliance within the SU. Bravely putting aside the traditional emnity between Thatcherite gimps and multi-biJlionare Argentinian landowners, Biackwell and Bernado were seen getting chumy on the Balcony. Whether this marks the incorporation of either as 'one of the lads' remains to be seen. Jack expects an anti-Blackwell revolt in the near future, with Blackwell body surfing off the balcony back to the welcoming arms of Tory Spice and Steven 'thousand yard stare' Topping.
Disturbingly, an unwelcome aspect of the promotion of greater access to the UGM has been a greater preponderence of pedantic and self-interested weirdos. What has been going on? A secret cloning project? (perhaps that's why Blackweil and Bernado were locked in negotiations). The new lot seemed to be pushing the line that you have to wait for discrimination to happen before you do something about it. Jack agrees. He always waits for people to get onstage first, before dismissitig them as tot£i| wankers. .	'i;
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iEditorial
belters
so LONG Y'ALL
So here it is, my last editorial in the world... ever. After 3 years hard graft my time is at an end. For various reason which I can't, nay, shouldn't go into now (that Returning Officer is a observant one) I'm standing aside to allow fresh blood to re-invigorate The Beaver.
Over the last year The Beaver has undergone a myriad of changes, evolving into the pristine organ you now nurture in your hands. The change to blue did cause a bit of acrimony at the start of term, but now ask yourself could you imagine The Beaver in any other colour? Exactly.
Throughout the year The Beaver has been there breaking the stories the LSE needs to know about, from controversy at Freshers' Farye to the latest swathe of goings on in the Union.
Features has been going strong, with fresh opinion and comment on global events and matters closer to home.
Sports has come on leaps and bounds, expanding in size, quality and humour. It, has managed to stay fresh (well, apart from the same picture of Netball girl every week) without resorting to any of the -isms of previous years. Essential reading.
Bart is now coming into its own. Regularly cutting edge and thought provoking, Jan Sagan's eclectic Fine Arts continues to amaze and entrance. Music stays at the forefront of the scene, whilst Clubbing continues to keep people up to date on the latest Superclub wars. Lit, Film and rest continue to provide the LSE's populous with the latest news and views on all matters cultural.
On the financial side. The Beaver is growing more self-' sufficient. Sorry to all you chaps subjected to a deluge of job offers and entertainment promotions, but the revenue helps us to push the quality of The Beaver to new heights.
1 sincerely hope that next year's staff can build on my work and continue to make The Beaver the essential reading that rt is now. Ian and Muks, it's over to you.
Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Daniel Lewis Executive Editor
PS My mum has been harassing to mention her for 3 years now. I guess I'd better succumb.
Hello Mum.
JOBS FOR
Dear Editor,
I am writing in response to last week's articles •concerning the UGM. I take offence at being termed 'radio rental'. I am not in the least bit mad.
Both the front page article and the column, Union Jack are simply further examples of the sexism and double standards prevalent at LSE and in society. The 'balcony boys' are seen as a bit of harmless fun despite their intimidatory heckling and catcalling of women, and despite the fact that their antics disrupt the democracy of LSE, but putting off many students from attending or speaking at the UGM. On the other hand, any woman who stands up and gives as good as she gets is seen as mad. Women are still expected to act demurely, to do the 'I'm cute and fluffy, and thoroughly harmless' act on the UGM stage.
The status of the Equal Opportunities Officers (a.k.a. Women's and Men's Officers) are important. However the Neanderthals who dominate the UGM had already decided to vote down the amendment 1 spoke on, before I even opened my mouth to speak, hence all the unnecessary booing!
As to criticising the executive; I made the point that the women on the exec, do not speak up and are almost apologetic to represent students at LSE. The men on the exec, have no qualms about dominating meetings, albeit even if unconsciously. Jonathan illustrated this point quite beautifully when he stood on the stage to say; 'Well 1 think Becky can speak up for herself,! This is why it is so important to have a Women's Officer and not a Men's Officer - to ensure representation of women in an already gender-biased Students' Union. As to those people who say we need a Men's officer for men to consult concerning welfare issues (i.e. depression / testicular cancer etc.); you do not understand the nature
THE GIRLS
of a Welfare Officer. The most I could do last year as a Women's Officer was direct women to the appropriate body for help. 1 could not perform an abortion, or look after their children. 1 was there to give support, raise awareness, to voice those women's concerns, and to have an input into Student union policy. Men do not need the same input into policy (they have it already). They do not need extra representation of their concerns. And the Education & Welfare Sabbatical is responsible for awareness-raising campaigns. Which leaves support, and here I think you will find that men will not be queuing up for support. Men's Officers have been introduced at other right-wing universities and they are simply not made use of. 1 think Jonathan Black has the best of intentions in introducing this position, but frankly he appears to be overly concerned with the symmetry of the constitution. Women and men require equal but different treatment.
With regards to Jonathan Black's comments about the regret/ability of me speaking at the UGM, 1 did bring up the topic of the Equal Opportunities Officers at the exec, meeting. However, this mysteriously did not appear in the minutes and the exec refused to restore the remarks I made. This is because Jonathan dislikes any dissent or variation from his own bland opinions (which he likes to call being "consensual"!). The constitutional reforms are long overdue, but could have been more radical. The LGB Officer, and Anti-racism Officer proposed will not be full - executive officers, but Council Representatives, which I think is a shame.
Equality and support of diversity are all very well on paper, but if they are not actively supported within the Student community, then this constitution is a sham!
Yours sincerely,
Fleur Donnelly-Jackson
AFRICA-CA-CA
Dear Sir,
I am writing in support of the article 'Africa Anonymous' by Gachulia Nyaga, which appeared in the February 14 issue of the Beaver. Like Mr. Nyaga, I too am critical of the claim that the LSE is one of the world's leading academic institutions when Africa is not represented in its courses of study. How does the institution expect its graduates to operate in this time of globalisation without an international knowledge base? Offering no courses which focus on politics or economics in Africa means no such global knowledge base can be developed. As such the LSE perpetuates an outdated, backwards, and, 1 believe at base, racist mindset which diminishes the importance of Africa, or excludes it, from the international agenda. That no courses on Africa are offered because the school tries to specialise is a poor argument for three reasons. First, Africa is the ONLY region not included in the curriculum: Latin America, South and East Asia, the Middle East, Europe and North America are all represented. Second, that including courses on Africa would mean the LSE curriculum overlaps with other University of London schools is invalid, like the LSE: SOAS covers Asia, there is a Latin America Institute within the University of London, and Kings covers Europe. Third, if the LSE is supposed'to be an international and leading academic institution, it should reflect that and work towards such an end by including all regions of the world in its curriculum.
If I am successful in my aspiration and get a position with an international organisation after I graduate 1 will unfortunately be working without any significant knowledge of politics or economics in Africa, which limits my capacities in my job, and the effectiveness of the institution for which I work. Ultimately it reflects badly on the LSE. If Africa is to be given respect internationally, it must be respected academically. The LSE has a responsibility.
Sincerely, M. McMinn.
MSc Government.
EYE DONT BELIEVE TT
7/7eBeaver
Issue 516 - Februar/ 21 st 2000 5
77)eBeaver
EXECUTIVE EDITOR
Daniel Lewis
DEPUTY EDITOR
Mukul Devichand
PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR
Neha Unia
ADVERTISING MANAGER
Ian Wise
Sectioni
NEWS EDITOR
Ian Curry
POLITICAL EDITOR
James Corbett
INTERNATIONAL EDITOR
Claudia Junghwa Kim
FEATURES EDITOR
Neelam Verjee
SPORTS EDITORS
Anna Foster Nick Wogan
Section 2 -BART
LITERARY EDITOR
Anna Yacoub
FILM EDITOR
Owen Matthews
THEATRE EDITOR
Linda Morris
MUSIC EDITORS
Shilpa Ganatra Charlie Jurd
STYLE EDITOR
Tola Soleye
CLUBBING EDITOR
Jo Serieux
FINE ARTS EDITOR
Jan Sagan
Collective
THE LAST OF THE SUBJECT - HONEST
Sir,
I am writing to correct certain erroneous representations of my views and statements that were made in Jan Fischoeder's article in issue 515 of The Beaver.
Firstly 1 did not call homosexuality "unnatural and immoral" nor did 1 refer to a homosexual "camp", as Fischoeder's use of speech-marks implies. Nor did my statement that HIV/AIDS is 'commonly perceived as a gay disease' imply that I considered that it was exclusively homosexuals who are afflicted with it. I freely acknowledge recent statistics that show 50% of those in the London area with AIDS are heterosexuals. In referring to a 'common' view 1 implied that it was alien to me.
Nor did 1 "put fonward a claim in the UGM meeting [sic] two weeks ago to vote against the Annex A" - although 'what he means thereby I cannot say' (Wife of Bath's Prologue). I support 90% of the Annex and do not hate or dislike homosexuals. I would not 'love to' discriminate against them. The bit of the Annex that really troubles me is the enforcement policy - the 'kangaroo court'. My support for the statement is shown by how I tried to amend it (although C&S rejected the amendment on rather dubious grounds) rather than just trying to defeat the substantive motion.
On a minor note 'external form' in my last letter should have read 'internal forum'. I look fonward to reading in your pages a well answered response to my concerns. All 1 have received so far is misrepresentations of my views and physical intimidation (as Jack seems strangely aware, since his first mention of this went to press before the event occurred).
Yours faithfully,
Michael Blackwell
Dear Sir,
The thought of the writers of 'Secret Eye' one day holding a position of importance is enough to make we want to curl up and die. Suffice to say that Secret Eye's view of the railways is not the only one. There are those out here who use the system and have not found it as bad as they say it is.
Yours
Edward Crowther
SECRET EYE PAGE 22
iKul wrni ottitudt
Amir Absood, Nanus Aga, Anton Sebi Ahmed, Shaista Ahmed, Mark Antony, Shemna Anuwar, Shama Aslam, David Bal<stien, l\/larl< Baltovic, Anne Beade, l^ure Beaufils, Christina Beharry, Matthias W. Benzer, Jonathan Blacl<, Hannah Bryce, Naomi Coivin, Liz Chong, Peter Clegg, Michael Collins, Jonathan Cooper, Amit Desai, Ritesh Doshi, Michael Epstein, Lee Federman, Shailin Ghelani, Helen Gibson, Deborah Goldemberg, Laura Hales, Shabnum Hasan, Sib Hayer, Katherine Jacomb, Helen Jamieson, Dana Johnson, Kristen Karlstad, Tasha Kosviner, Philip Lam, Becky Little, Tomos Livingstone, Fredrik Ljone Hoist, Kenneth Lo, Dan Madden, Gattjrielle Menezes, Linda Morris, Sinj Mukherjee, Ben Newton, Daniela Ott, Gareth Palmer, Mateo Paniker, Mari< Pallis, Neel Patel, Alison Perine, Chelsea Phua, Claire Pryde, Mannan Raja, Zat Rashid, Loretta Reehill, Silvia Santoro, Susannah Sava, Rob Sellers, Ed Sexton, Sunil Sodha, Tola Soleye, Graham Stevenson, Matthew Stoate, Chris Sutclitfe, Jamie Tehrani, Damian Thong, Gulshan Verma, Julia Vowles, Julius Walker, Amy Williams, Nick Wilkins, Matthew Wilkins, Christina Yap.
ThdBeaier is published by the London School of Economics Students' Union and printed by Newstax, of Unit 16, Carpenters Road, Bow Industrial Pari<, London El 5. They can be contacted at 0181 986 3130.
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¦A\
Far Flung
A Weekly Roundup of Student Life fronn Across the Country with Ian Curry, News Editor
At last students have found a justifiable reason for missing lectures. Attendance can damage your health. Brushing themselves down and dusting themselves off, the second year dental students told ^ of their brush with death.
A six foot pole smashed into the lecture theatre, with the construction company responsible blaming the 'adverse' weather conditions.
However, it was only the luck that the lecture was postponed that prevented the accident from becoming a tragedy. One member of staff was quoted as saying "the only reason that dental students were not in the dissection room was because there was a problem
setting up a video. Otherwise,_
students could have been killed or very badly injured."
It was luck indeed that prevented a lesson in practicle-drilling literally becoming a practicle' drilling for the students!


m
Glasgow
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Durham

N
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More news of corruption and intrigue from the North. Once again we turn our attentions to the hot bed of vice and scandal, Durham University. First up is the scandal that one of the leading fund raisers on Durham's charity week, named DUCK, and managed to take £1,940 from the communal bank account. What for, you may ask, equipment, a fund raising event? In actual fact the selfish b'stard had travelled to Amsterdam on a bender, prompting his worried parents to put a missing persons ad in the Big Issue. So the net result; prison, community service, purgatory. No, the Police felt that 'it was not necessary to press charges' and so let him off with a caution.
At the same time the president of the DSU has been absent from duty for a month. Although many detractors of our own Jonathon Black would dearly wish for-a month's leave from our illustrious Gen Sec, for the good students of Durham are getting _worried. The President has been absent with exhaustion and depression, which contrasts amazingly with the boundless energy of our own Sabbs. However, all is not lost because the rest of the Sabbs have taken a very British mentality, saying "we would like to reassure everyone that we are managing to cope without Dave ... things have to go on."
xmsm

WARWICK
Two Warwick students managed to gain access to a top Union event posing as an FHM Writer and the Spice Girls PR.
The pair, who chose to remain . anonymous, managed to gain access to the National Student Music Awards. From there they managed to confuse staff and gain backstage access and interview Dodgy, the lead band at the event.
They suggested that "a routine evening proved to be one of the best nights of our lives". Naturally the Students' Union have been pressurised into taking steps to prevent such abuse of power again.
Warwick
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-O^Uege LONDON
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Cardiff
UNIVERSITY
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PRIFYSGOl
CAERPY(§I
Work from Cardiff this week shows that the University of Wales is using its research budget to good end. The University of Cardiff acknowledged the medicinal properties of the curry. It was shown to be an effective cure for the common cold.
The national media attention this statement has received has given curry sales a huge boost during the Winter flu epidemic. Apparently the stimulation of mucus glands by spicy foods acts as a good defence against bacteria and helps flush germs out of the system.
However, the University has been careful to reject approaches from various curry houses and spice producers. It has suggested that no formal clinical trials have, or will, be formulated. That is until the University is renamed the Shanwood's International Baiti Studies Centre.
Dj,. ' II News from across the Strand. —t^ing S wQliCgS shock horror. King's students are -,.w	practically paupers. The news
. ^	has emerged that King's, once
London's very bastion of rah-dom, has slipped significantly behind its London rivals in the rah-tables produced recently by the government.
Although skirting around the issue of a possible cause (the sad decline of the King's academic reputation maybe?), it does reflect that being God's chosen college within the University has not brought fortune and fame. Indeed it is perhaps ironic that across the Aldwych a University devoted to secular studies in such un-Godly pursuits as Economics, and built on the site of London's most infamous homosexual brothels, should be doing so much better. As always, Satan often makes a much better bedfellow.
Features
TheBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000
BEYOND THE TOURIST RUSSIA
Sergey Radchenko examines whether the Cold War is over in the Russian regions?
It is early morning at the soutliern tip of Sakhalin Island. Snow-covered road snakes through the deserted coastal hills, occasionally catching the sight of the frozen sea. First sun flashes in the driver's mirror, blinding unaccustomed eyes. I reach for the Soviet-era radio, but only tune across the dull sound of wind, interrupted sporadically by Japanese	broadcasts.
"Re-transmitter is too far" -comments Valeri Osadchy, the mayor of the region, - "Sakhalin isn't America, is it?" I smile. Ever since I left the island in 1995 to study in the U.S., I've become an "American" for those who have known me here, though I've lived in China and now in England as well.
But for Afghanistan veteran Osadchy, just like for most other Sakhaliners, hardened by years of life in what formerly was one of the militarily-vital Soviet regions, off limits to ordinary Russians, there is only I, us and them. "And 1, too, used to see the World in black-and-white, but the end of the Cold War blurred the colours. Not here.
"There was an earthquake yesterday," - says Fyodorych, the government chauffeur, - "Did you feel it?" "No. Slept through it," - I reply, yawning. Fyodorych grins: "Americans sleep through earthquakes, eh?"
What am I to say? The earthquake of new thinking is reshaping the World, but Sakhalin, like most other regions of Russia, is left intact.
The sun isn't up yet, but we have arrived already, and Fyodorych pours vodka into shot glasses, but spills some. "Stop wasting the precious liquid," says the government aide Filippov, joking. Fyodorych blames Moscow: "too dark, can't see a thing... why has Yeltsin decided to change our time?"
A couple of years ago, Moscow policy makers moved Sakhalin one hour behind in time, and Sakhaliners still do not understand why. But most people here are used to Moscow's diktat, as

b V
Imperialist Russia? But what of the Provinces?
Russians are used to despotism in general - nation-wide and in the regions.
I climb to the back of the jeep and throw the fishing gear on the ice. It is twenty below zero, and naked fingers stick to the metal hook as I struggle to attach a worm. After a few moments I pull out a small fish, but, unwilling to hassle with it, kick it back into the hole. Fyodorych mocks me: "Why are you wasting a fish. Look, it'll go and tell the others that we are here, and we won't catch any more!"
I am surprised to see him care about the little fish, and recall my father. He, too, has the most personal attachments to trivial things. Many Sakhaliners, including my father, are open-sea fishermen, for whom ships are closed worlds in themselves, where every trivial thing has a great meaning. The more bizarre it is to see abandoned farms and looted factories all over Sakhalin -symbols of Russia's present-time wastefulness. Such may be the
Russian nature in general: concern with small things - one's family, a pair of trousers, a fish - and neglect for things as large as the society, things, that, formerly attended to by the government, are now falling into disarray.
Sakhalin economy is fishery-supported, and those who work in other fields - teachers or doctors -struggle to make the ends meet in the face of Moscow's constant failure to pay their wages. Recent American investment attempts to boost Sakhalin's off-shore oil industry are running into mounting difficulties due to the apparent U.S. inability to live up to the Russian government's "procedural" requirements. Indeed, I am afraid American investors know too little about how to "proceed" anywhere with the Russian bureaucracy - in Sakhalin or elsewhere in Russia.
Fyodorych was right: the fish stopped coming, and I strolled on to drill another hole a hundred meters away. But halfway there I stepped on thin ice and dipped one leg thigh-high into the freezing
Picture: Archives
water. Feeling the ice crack below me, I instinctively fell flat on the thin surface and crawled my way back to safety. Back on the shore, as I watched Fyodorych prepare the ukha - soup from freshly caught fish, I thought about Russia's political future: once again the country is walking on thin ice, but will the instincts work this time?
I had a couple of bowls of soup, but it made me feel dizzy. Fyodorych explained that he added a few shots of vodka for the flavour. Vodka is a sacred drink here - a sure medicine against all illnesses. Tampering with vodka through prohibition laws cost one of Russia's prominent politicians,
Michael Gorbachev, much of his support among the people! Now Vladimir Putin, a health advocate, issued a directive to raise the minimum vodka prices - much to the dislike of people like Fyodorych. Mr. Putin may just be walking on thin ice.
The sun was setting. Murky shadows of the silent trees seemed to defy the laws of time, creeping in around us. Sakhalin - a frozen fish amidst unchanging ocean - drifted without a purpose. I wondered what holds this society together. An ideology? No longer so. A common religion? Only superficially. We, four lonely fishermen sitting around the fire, were bound by a common desire to survive. Between us glowing coals spread warmth and revealed colours. Out there, in the blackness beyond the trees, was Russia - the ancient motherland, unimpressed by our human weakness. The state defines the Russian thinking, it has built a wall between us and them, but the wall is not eternal. Behind the Russians' tough appearance and uncompromising rhetoric hides understanding and reason, which, when helped by adequate knowledge about the World, can bring the Russian people into the international community of nations, sharing mutually compatible values. The question is not 'if but 'when' will this global awareness come within the grasp of the Russian regions.
As the darkness set in, I asked Fyodorych for a shot of vodka, but the mayor stopped me: "You shouldn't. Our Russia has passed away, and we drink to her former glory. Yours - has not yet been born."
Recent American investment attemptsi to boost Salchalin's off-shore oil industryl are running into mounting difficulties] due to the apparent U.S. inability to livel up to the Russian government's] "procedural" requirements\
r/j^eaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000
Features
GAY A SIN?
Anders Vethe rejects the claim that Christianity undisputedly condemns homosexuality
A
re gay people perverts? Well, Cardinal Winning, the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Glasgow seems to think so. And various persons at the LSE seem to fall just short of expressing the same views, labelling homosexuality "unnatural and immoral". One of the saddest things about these statements is how their proponents claim to have the Bible unambiguously on their side. In fact, there are good grounds to assume that the Bible does not condemn homosexuality at all. Many protestant churches in both Canada and Scandinavia for example, not only allow gay people in relationships to be priests, but even perform blessing ceremonies for gay couples. How is this possible?
Before reading the passages concerning homosexuality in the Bible, one first has to decide how one actually wants to view the scriptures. Should one accept the Bible as inerrant and assume that God prevented the authors from making even a single mistake? Or should one leave room for interpretation and understand the texts also as relating to customs of a long-past era that cannot be applied in today's society? Examples of practices that are condoned in the Bible but which are generally rejected today include the acceptance and regulation of slavery (Lev 25:44) and quotations regarding the subordinate status of women (1 Tim 2:11-15). Instead of reading every passage literally, it seems just as plausible to read the Bible in the context in which it was written, and rather focus on the basic teachings of Jesus and the way he stretched out a hand to outcasts and those marginalised by society.
So what exactly does the Bible say about homosexuality? The fact that God created human beings "male and female" (Gen 1:27) is an argument often used against homosexuality. However, throughout Genesis there is. an underlying duty to reproduce and secure the existence of God's chosen people. Thus, in a time of

' - is 'i'"
Swifc
Christian 'ethics': a question of interpretation.
high infant mortality even masturbation becomes a sin (Gen 38: 8-10). To follow these prescriptions in today's age of overpopulation becomes ridiculous, especially as the argument implies that sex is only meant for procreation. Even the church now agrees that sex is just as much about binding together two people who love each other as to make children.
However, what about the story of Sodom (Gen 19), from which the word sodomite comes? There are good reasons to believe that this passage does not condemn gay relationships. When "all the men in the city, both young and old....wanted to have sex" (19:4-5) with Lot's two male guests, this was most likely to disgrace them. This becomes particularly clear looking at the hostile mood of the crowd. What one is talking about here is not a consenting sexual act, but pure rape, which is indeed abhorrent. Moreover, when the prophets later on are describing the sins of Sodom, they are not referring to homosexual behaviour. Rather, they explain how Sodom
was punished because of the violent, abusive, inhospitable, greedy and unsympathetic behaviour of its citizens (Isaiah 1, Ezekeil 16: 49-50, Jeremiah 23:14). Thus, as Norwegian bishop Sigurd Osberg puts it, to use the story of Sodom against homosexual relationships is "a grave theological abuse of the scriptures".
It also seems absurd to condemn homosexuality from the prohibition in Leviticus 17:22 and 20:13 that "no man is to have sexual relations with another man". These passages are part of the so-called Holiness Code which permits slavery (25:44), but forbids shaving or getting hair cut (19:27), having tattoos (19:28) or charging interest on a loan (25:37). If we reject all of the other codes of conduct then why on earth should we only keep the ones concerning homosexuality?
But what about Paul's apparent condemnation of homosexuality? Surely, Christians would find it harder to ignore statements in the New Testament? Paul speaks of how "men give up natural sexual
Pic: Archives
relations with women and burn with passion for each other" (Rom 1:26-27). Yet the way in which the same men are performing pagan practices (1:23) indicates that he is probably talking about either Greek or Roman society. There, bisexuality was regarded as quite natural, and people in some walks of society were in fact expected to engage in bisexual relations. But as most of ahem were heterosexual, bisexual activity would be against their personal nature, hence the condemnation. Homosexual identity as such was not anything one had heard of. This is illustrated by how Paul believed those who engage in homosexual activities could be "purified from sin" (1 Cor 6:11) and thereby again direct their sexual desires towards people of the
opposite sex.
To use the passages where Paul speaks of "homosexual perverts" (1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:9-10) against gays seems even worse. The terms used in the original Greek texts are "malakoi" and "arsenakoitai". Malakoi means "soft" and does not have direct sexual connotation, but is rather used in the meaning "effeminate". This is probably just a reflection of the macho-society that existed in Biblical times, where being called effeminate was one of the worst insults against a man. Arsenokoitai most likely refers to "young male prostitutes", not consenting gays, and is probably just- a condemnation of the Greek type of homosexual activity that was common at Paul's time of a sexual relationship between an adult man and a young boy. Sadly, with the advent of the notion of homosexuality at the end of the 19th century all of this was put in the same category and laljelled "homosexual perversion". To use these passages against gays who want to live in a stable, loving relationship thus seems to be misinterpreting the Bible.
Maybe the most important thing to bear in mind when looking at the question of homosexuality from a Biblical viewpoint is that Jesus himself actually never commented upon homosexuality. And Jesus was not afraid of giving advice on sexual conduct. From this one cannot automatically conclude that he would have supported gay relationships. However, what seems certain is that he did not find it important enough fo include it in his ethical teachings. This is perhaps something that certain individuals at the LSE should consider more carefully before they automatically condemn gay people as sinners on Christian grounds.
Maybe the most important thing tol bear in mind when looking at thei question of homosexuality from a I Biblical viewpoint is that Jesus himselfl actually never commented upon /f|
-Features
TheBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21 st 2000 9
PARADISE TURNED TO
HELL
Maidah Ahmad examines the plight of Kashmir, what can and should be done for this country of beauty and sorrow
Next month Bill Clinton is scheduled to go on a five-day visit to India. His mission - perhaps IVIission Impossible - is to persuade India to sign the Comprehensive Test Band Treaty (CTBT) and urge it to settle the long-running dispute over Kashmir with it's neighbour, Pal<istan. A peaceful end to the conflict is more urgently needed now than ever before in the highly volatile region. This summer's border dispute in Kargil was history's first ever direct combat between two nuclear powers. Despite 1000 deaths, the Kargil infiltrators achieved their goal; to put Kashmir in the international spotlight. India refuses external involvement, stating that the solution has to come locally, and the West is pleased to be excused. However, the prospect of nuclear warfare makes the Kashmir conflict too dangerous to ignore.
History
To understand the dispute, we have to go back 50 years, to the partition of India and Pakistan, in 1947, India gained independence from Britain. In addition, it was decided to divide the 560 states to form two independent nations. This division was primarily dependent on religion and geography. Areas predominantly populated by Hindus became India, whilst largely Muslim populated areas, Pakistan. Kashmir, however, was not as straightforward. Under British rule it was governed as a semi-autonomous region. With a Hindu king and a majority Muslim population, it became a hotly contested area. The king, Hari Singh, in an attempt to create an independent state delayed the signing over of Kashmir to either side. In October 1947, Pakistan tribesmen invaded Kashmir, which forced Hari Singh to seek help from the then president of India, Nehru. In return Nehru demanded Kashmir, and so Kashmir was handed over to India, a decision which has resulted in the deaths of, on average, 300 people every month, and the beginning of a potentially escalating nuclear arms race.

The tranquil lal<e in Kashmir, now polluted by the stench of war
Why is Kashmir so Important?
Although being referred to as 'paradise on earth' by numerous Mughals, Maharajas and writers, the importance of this majestic Himalayan region as viewed by both nations is a lot deeper than admiration of its outstanding natural beauty.
One thing /sj certain though neither side can\ afford to ioosel Kashmir,] politicaiiy,\ economicaiiyi and cuituraiiyl
To India, Kashmir is a key strategic location acting as a buffer against another Chinese invasion. Pakistan maintains that the people of Kashmir should be given their right to self-determination (as long as this involves unification with Pakistan) as promised by Nehru when he agreed to the 1948 UN
Security Council resolution which called for a referendum allowing the people of Kashmir to decide for themselves. Since then, India has refused to allow the referendum to occur. A broken promise coming from the world's second largest democracy appears highly ironic. One thing is certain though -neither side can afford to loose Kashmir, politically, economically and culturally. Kashmir is central to both countries' identities. Jinnah, the founder of Pakistan argued that two communities defined by religion could not share the same land, whilst Nehru envisioned a mosaic nation consisting of numerous religions, languages and cultures all living in harmony.
The dispute has become a grave political issue. No party can afford to be conciliatory if it wishes to stay in office.
Is Independence the Answer for Kashmir?
In spite of both nations' attempts at religious polarisation, the 13 million inhabitants of Jammu & Kashmir will not let go of their multi-religious identity. Many observers believe that if a plebiscite were held today, residents of Kashmir would vote for
Picture: Archives
independence, rather than opt for either of the governments.
Kashmir's economy is virtually non-existent, and what little industry present is completely dependent on the war, i.e. military and garrison. Prior to the recent escalation, Kashmir took advantage of its greatest resource; natural beauty. Tourism flourished
What Kashmir^ desperately] needs is an\ awareness andi condemnation ofl human rightsi abuses]
and was the greatest contributor to the economy. Unfortunately, it is an industry particularly susceptible to terrorism, and as a result has suffered greatly. A vicious circle has resulted, whereby terrorism' and war shut down tourism, leaving young men with no alternative ^employment other than
as soldiers.
What Kashmir desperately needs is an awareness and condemnation of human rights abuses, a willingness to hear the desires of the Kashmiri people rather than impose policies and significant economic investment to build industry and create jobs.
Whichever one of the two governments is able to meet these demands has the trust of the Kashmiri people. Realistically, however, neither of the governments have the capacity or the knowledge of satisfying the respectable demands.
Corruption	and
mismanagement within both countries has led to the virtual draining away of national funds. Human rights abuses are paramount in both countries, especially in Pakistan where Taliban-style theocracy is beginning to penetrate into mainstream society. Both governments lack the stability and leadership skills required, not only to develop their own nations, but also to begin the development of Jammu & Kashmir.
The West's Ignorance
The conflict has caused the deaths of more than 50,000 people, injured and maimed further hundreds of thousands and left more than 40,000 people homeless. Innocent civilians have been tortured and raped. Buildings and homes looted and burnt to ashes with people inside. Kashmiris are facing dispersal, disintegration and extinction, and yet the West continues to turn a blind eye. What is the difference between this ethnic cleansing and that which occurred in the Balkans? Or between this border dispute and the one which started the Gulf war? Maybe it comes down to the common proverb 'money makes the world go round'. To America getting involved in the Gulf war was in their own interests, as oil was involved. Kashmir may . have nothing to do with oil, but something far more precious: human blood.
TrteBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000 10
IMPERIAL COLLEGE'S 'NEWSPAPER': RUBBISH?
Mark Campbell takes a look at 'Felix', student newspaper at Imperial College

Cats like Felix like Felix. But would we?
Pic: Archives
In light of the recent reports of an unlikely marriage between Imperial College and LSE, (think Dr. Spook pursuing Will Hutton) I thought it apt to see which elements of their weekly rag Felix (pseudonym for Trekker's weekly) may attempt to beam into the mighty Beaver.
Firstly, let me begin with the title. When I think of the word Felix, I think of cat food. Would the students of LSE prefer their weekly paper to be named after gristle ridden gunk used to sustain the life of the most indolent beasts on the planet, or stick with the cuddly yet intensely industrious uber-rodent, deft in all facets of CDT?
Beyond this deeply uninspired name, the second aspect of Felix which cries 'Without my white coat, I am nothing' is the format. Felix is a pamphlet rather than a newspaper, not altogether dissimilar to a leaflet confirming a poor soul's fears that he has contracted genital warts. This prostituting of any modicum of
journalistic integrity is due to these backward, buck-toothed lab rats lacking the capacity to produce anything out of the noddy confines of A4.
So what is within this misconceived foray into the strange and foreign world of English language? Two page spreads of thought provoking, cutting edge kiddies' computer games reviews by wanton individuals mysteriously lacking surnames, just Dave, Imran and Flic (this guy's parents really were taking the piss). One can only imagine that by employing these inconsequential titles, these 'writers' will not be recognised and ostracised for daring to stray from
their sacred tongue of Al-ge-bra.
The remainder of this elaborately printed toilet paper comprises of items plagiarised from other publications. 'Spot-it Win-it' is a 'Spot the ball' rip-off and is still inane. 'Blaggers' guide'- I've never heard of that before. The sports headlines reflect the passion of Imperial sports teams-zero. Try to get excited and fail when reading 'Archers on target!' (I added the exclamation mark) and 'Skiers go to the dogs' (strange inbreeding between the skiers and Imperial women).
If LSE and Imperial merge, feel very afraid and then return to the lab to check the results.
Beyond the deeply uninspired nameA the second aspect of Felix which\ cries 'Without my white coat, / am nothing' is the format. It's al pamphlet, not a newspaper.]
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OFFICIAL WARNING:
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LITERARY
COMPLETE PANTS
MARK CAMPBELL reviews the rock and roll novel POWDER by Kevin Sampson. After waiting for three months for Sampson to return his calls for an interview, Mark takes his revenge by trashing the book. Completely.
POWDER follows the life of a rock 'n' roll band with an appaling name, "The Grams". The cover of this tawdry and overly long tale is based on the image of a packet of washing powder.
RIGINAL

Sadly, rather than charting the comparatively stimulating history of the phrase, "With 'Daz' you can get your clothes whiter than white", this literary bombsite forms a crater in the mind, after one has suffered for five hundred pages under the misconception of finding anything of remedial interest.
I believe one can effectively condemn a book if the print is so large that it is possible to read the text from the other side of the room. My theory is given countenance by the font size in POWDER, where the average word count per page is twelve, of which half are usually "and".
This novel, I mean story ('novel' connotes writing ability), bombards the reader with a barrage of anecdotes of sex and drug taking debauchery. But Sampson being bereft of any writing gifts or imagination confounds the essence of
these activities by failing abysmally to titillate or enthral the reader. The words "Damp" and "Squib" spring to mind.
During what can only be described as a purgatorial experience of reading POWDER,
I believe one can effectively condemn a book if the print is so large that it is possible to read the : text from the other s;ide of the room. My theory is given 'countenance by the font size in POWDER, where the overage word count per page ; is twelve, of which half ore usually "and".
LILLIPUTIAN TRAVELS
AMY WILLIAMS reviews THE MISTRESS OF LILLIPUT by award winning poet and short story writer ALISON FELL. An established voice of feminism, Fell brings a unique perspective to this follow up to GULLIVER'S TRAVELS.
The mistress of lilliput nils
in the gaps left by Jonathan Swift in his original GULLIVER'S travels following the trials of Mrs. Gulliver as she goes off to sea in search of her husband.
The book is written in a similar style to the original and Fell does a convincing job of making the book seem like a contemporary of Swift's. However her style of writing with its poetic flair and complex structure made the book quite a
laborious read at times and some of the clever descriptions and humour were clouded by the overly decorative language.
The book is split in its narrative between diary inserts of Mrs. Gulliver and the narrator who it materialises is Mary, Mrs. Gulliver's doll. The doll, who is dressed in elaborate clothes, wigs and jewellery appears to be Mrs. Gulliver's ego ideal, as throughout her life she had been forced into a plain existence and had to repress her urges to dress flamboyantly to conform to her husband's wishes. Once the initial bizarreness of the narrator being a doll has worn off, her role as Mrs. Gulliver's confidante appears quite natural.
Humour was an important element in this book and once I managed to wade through the language, I did find some parts relatively funny. In keeping with the original, the majority of the humour is based on either eroticism or vulgarity - or a combination of the two. The one image that sticks in my head is when the Lilliputian men hold a competition to see who can build a machine to make the imprisoned
Mrs. Gulliver climax, the victor of the contest being a dead stuffed cow used like a battering ram to penetrate her. I genuinely didn't know whether to laugh or throw up.
Although the style of the book was quite bawdy, THE MISTRESS OF LILLIPUT was could just as easily be read as an adventure story charting Mrs. Gulliver's journey across the oceans and the perils she encounters along the way. Some of the descriptive passages capture beautifully the feeling of being at sea and the exploration of foreign lands.
All in all, the book was quite an enjoyable read although it was undoubtedly strange at times. The elaborate language was the only main drawback because it made the book quite tedious. However, the idea is really interesting so I'd give Fell full marks for initiative but unfortunately the content was a bit of a let down.
THE MISTRESS OF LILLIPUT by Alison Fell is available in paperback RRP £6.99 published by Anchor Books.
the occasional, bordering on bi-millenial flickers of thought passing through my mind led me to wonder; "If they were a real band, what would "The Grams" sound like?" "Cast".
POWDER is a tale with such infinitesimal literary worth that Jonathan Cape the publishers can only employ luke warm reviews of Sampson's first book AWAYDAYS, as a tame gesture of promotion. One always hears of how all the great authors before success.
inevitably are rejected by publishers many times. Kevin Sampson is a living contradiction to this theory, achieving the publication of a piece of writing which ironically abounds with the equivalent creative ability as can be gleaned from the instructions on the side of a packet of washing powder.
POWDER by Kevin Sampson is out now RRP £10 published by Jonathan Cape

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JENNIFER TALANSKY reviews DREAMER by Charles Johnson; a historical novel following the life of Martin Luther King Jr. and King's Civil Rights Movement.
pfower and balance. Thie:
1 intensity of Charles Johnson's novel hooks the reader for a [compeUIng and ernoliorrat reading jexpe ri e n c e. At - the same ti me ^
Johnson reveals his literary prowess with the fine balance he achieves in so many elements of the story - description versus action, detail versus big picture,
and the public Versus the private.
In this fictionalised account of Martin Luthet King Jr.'s final years, Charles Johnson presents us with a pov^/erful novel that manages perhaps the most'
difficult balancing act - educating while also successfully entertaining. 1 use the word "educating" with caution: most people wish only to be entertained in their leisure reading. But Johnson's book does not raise the heavy hand of pedagogy - rather, it engages the reader in its raw examination of a society that so readily perpetuates racism and injustice.
The book is masterfully written historical fiction.
Matthew Bishop, a volunteer in King's Civil Rights Movement, ¦
narrates much of the novel.
Intermingled with this first person account are chapters that bring iis outside the realm of Bishop's knowledge and instead use the third person I ifBited to take ys into King's personal moments.
Martin Luther King Jr. stands in literature, and as pure history as a largerrthan-life figure entertainment. As such, it is a we often hear of his actions and must-read for any that wish to
Movement, and we see glirnpses of King as Bishop sees him. Bish ihus gives us a slight ''insider" perspective on King's public persona. This's inteiwoven with Johnson'i renderings of King's personal thoughts .iiid feelmtis to give us a tremendous holistic pictuie of the man; both hiS| public and private self.
if Johnson gave us nothing more than this well-roundec account of Martin Luther Kins Jr.'s last years, this book would be a triumph. But Johnson aJso creates a superb ^cast of supporting characters, each of wfiom could serve as the protagonist of a fascinating novel.
DREAMER succeeds as a source of information and testimony, as a beautifully written v/ork of
accomplishments, but we bear little about his personal tif(s. Johnson uses these alternating voices to brilliant effect in developing his story. Through Bishop, we experience the events that are going on in the
delve into the life and accomplishments of Martin Luthet King Jr.
DREAMER by Charles Johnson is out on 24th February in paperback published .,,by -Car^ngate RRP £6.99. -
FINE ARTS
A SHAW LIBRARY ROMAKOi
1	He with his budget baguette from Benji's,
She with her Sicilian tomato broth; one complementary item of fruit and freshly squeezed orange juice courtesy of Soup Opera.
2	He with his library copy of A State We're In,
She with her limited edition, gold embellished and insured Hello Wedding's of the year magazine.
3	He with his Lambert and Butler's (ten),
She with her Marlborough Lights 100s (twenty).
4	He with the shiny plastic ashtray (discard after use).
She with the glass paperweight-esque number ("No, you may not borrow it").
5	He a twenty-a-day man.
She a one after every meal girl, ''A cigarette is divine when accompanied by a fresh roast capaccino".
6	He with furtive glances at her cleavage.
She with eyes fixed on adjusting the ring tone on her mobile phone.
7	He with his class at 14.00-Econ. B.,
She with her 19.00 facial at The Sanctuary and then cocktails at Woody's Bar.
8	He with his English accent.
She with her foreign accent and
fees.
U
9 He with a smug grin.
STYLE
T
YOUR WAY SEXY
Amy Williams tries out the latest fitness craze.
ilates (pronounced pi-lah-teez) or 'the thinking persons exercise' as it is often called has been taking gyms and leisure centres by storm as lan alternative to fast paced, energy sapping 'exercises such as aerobics.
The exercise, which has ^been a favourite of actors, ^sports stars and dancers since 'as far back as the 1920's, has been resurrected by celebrities including "Sophie Dahl, Jennifer Aniston, Courten^y Cox and most famously Madonna who all claim to keep their figures in shape through daily devotion to pilates.
I went along to 'Physioworks' which is one of the leading centres for pilates in London. There were only six people in the class which meant that
instructor was able to give a lot of n d i V i d u a I ^attention to ¦k	^those ' who
"needed it to
Top: The founder of the exercise, Joseph Pilates on oe of the machines; Above; stretching does wonders for your spine; From right; Jodie Foster,Courteney Cox Arquette, Kate Moss and Cindy Crawford all swear by the method;
definitve proopf that it works!!
ensure that vital factors such as breathing and posturfe were correct.
The actual session began with gentle stretching and then progressed to erm... more gentle stretching. The speed and complexity of the exercises did increase as the class progressed with some of the positions becoming quite contorted. The last few exercises were complicated sequences of various moves rolled into one which were pretty hard to follow, but ability does improve as some of the more advanced members of the class demonstrated by using more strenuous variations. Overall the class was calm, relatively slow paced and actually quite relaxing. Concentration appears to be the key to performing the exercises correctly as positioning and posture do need to be spot on.
The main drawback is that although classes at Physioworks, while undoubtedly run by professionals, cost a staggering £8-9 a class, furthermore if you want to_
use the equipment^
(which incidentally^
looks like some^
torture rack) the price increases to £25-50 per hour. It's a good job then that ULU comes up trumps on this one offering a basic pilates floor class for just £2.The other alternative is to use a book or video in your own home, but as a member of the class pointed out, 'Its hard to check that you're performing the exercises correctly without being in the class. Breathing and posture are so important that without the aid of the teacher its not very easy to master the moves'.The after effect of the class is one of rejuvenation and revitalisation similar to yoga or t'ai chi rather than the overwhelming exhaustion of an hour at the gym.
Whether pilates would appeal to you depends •very much on if your ideal exercise is more 'body and soul' than 'burn baby, burn', but the firm toned, gently muscular physique of the Instructor was enough to persuade me enough pilates practice really does make perfect.
Physioworks :0171 409 1539
SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL THINGS NICE
Anna Yacoub raids the larder for cheap and cheerful beauty products
0
kay, it is the new year. You have indulged far too much over Christmas, New Year and in fact probably every single day between then and now (even if it is February). Your skin is paying the price for all this bingeing but you don't have any more money left to pay the extortionate prices that Clinique, Decleor et al charge just for some crummy toner or cleanser which probably cost them two quid to make. Well here is your answer. The home made, natural way of achieving perfect skin.
Firstly we should probably start with the basics. There is no point even attempting to attain flawless skin without changing your diet. And for all you foodies out there I am not talking about drastic changes, just the little hanges that make all the ,	difference. That means no more
t	^caffeine - stick to caffeine
I / .	^/ree coffee, cola and herbal
W . J	ito\teas etc. Drink loads and
loads of water - in fact 2 hole litres of water. Expect to spend the next month on the loo but the
'effects are noticeable ____
after a while; and if you can last that long.
vegetables blah, blah, blah, ve probably heard all that crap about fruit and vegetables and it is true but you can't just eat any fruit or veg. Go especially for the red, orange and yellow fruits and veg as they are particularly good for the skin. Eat loads of greens, they'll do more than put hair on your chest. Now not all fats
are bad, especially natural ones - so long as you eat them in moderation. So we are looking at nuts, olive oil, avocado, tuna etc.
Once you have that down we can get down to the.j serious stuff; making you own facialproducts. Those of you suffering the winter months with dry skin; an effective and natural molsturiser is watermelon. Okay so this probably isn't the best way to moisturiser. considering it is winter but come summer you can get, ^ watermelons quite cheaply and they are very good at hydrating dry skin. Just mash up the watermelon and leave it on your face for a couple of minutes, a few times a week. Or If you are too lazy to actually make the moisturiser yourself and have really oily skin buy a water-based foundation. For those of you who wish to practice a little deep pore cleansing well face masks are the way to go. A cheap j very tasty alternative is an apple and^
cinnamon facial scrub. Mash up the apples in a bowl, sprinkle a little^
cinnamon or sugar and the smear^
on your face. Leave for five and|
hey presto! Other mor moisturising facemasks can be'
made up from mashed upbananas or avocado. And a final word o wisdom for those of you with rough'
skin around elbows or knees. Just"
place your elbow or part of your knee into a lemon sliced in half anduse your elbov/
as a lemon squeezer, twisting the^
lemon around your elbow. The astringent lemon and twisting^
action will leave you with softer^
elbows.
Let nature's bounty be you beauty parlour!
Frootie-tootie never had such significance, avocados, apples and bananas will all help with baby soft skin. Peaches will help with achieving peachy-soft skin!
CLUBBING
Charts
Week ending 12.02.00

f-
Blackmarket records
25 O'Arblay Street, London W1V3FH
Top House Sales
I.Tom & Jdyce-Vai Minha Trtsteza (Wave)
Z.Spiller-Mjghty Miami (Dreambeat) 3. Remain & Dawy-The Philly Groove (Metro Trax)
j4.Joey Negro-Can't Get High Without U (AzuU)
S.Sneaky Armada-lUicit (X)
Cool Cuts chart
1 .Soulsearcher-Do It To Me Again (Defected)
i.Sool Providers-Rise (Azuli)
3.	Jersey St-Cried Me A River (Junior)
4.B0X	Office-Just Leave Me (R-senal) S.Oave Banks Project-Good Lovin (Catch 22)
Drum'n'Bass
1.Marcus	!ntalex-How You Make Me FeeM31)
2.Ray	Keith-Something Out (UFO)
3.Kemal-Animatjon	(Architecture)
4.Ed	Rush & Optical-Medicine rmx " (Virus)
5.Ed	Rush a Opticat-Sick Note (Virus) > Hip Hop/R'n'B
1.D'Angelo-Voodoo	(Virgin)
2.Ketis-Caught	Out There (Virgin) 3vReftection-Eternal The Express (Rawkus)
r4.The Outsidaz-Night Life (Ruff Life) S.The Lox-We Are The Streets
London Underground This week's pick of the bunch...
Mitkn2Sugars weekly sessions every Friday at The Annexe. This week, 25th: Feb., Andrew Galea v/ill be joined by residents Miss Jools, Kenny Charles and Alan Jinx Chamberlain.
10-5, £8 before 12am/members and NUS, £10 thereafter, £5 after 3am The Annexe, 1 Dean Street, Soho, London W1
Also this Friday, check out Fabric Live featuring the sounds of the Scratch Perverts, Cattipag Velocet, James Lavelle and AH 8 in room one with drum'n'bass dons DJ Die, Hype,
Optical, Randall and J Majik in room two and a Strut records special in thfe third.
9am-5am, £10 before 11 /NUS, £12 after, £10 in advance.
Fabric, 77a Charterhouse ^ Street, London
Kecim
@ Scala, 12th February 2000
The Slow Motion crew absolutely smashed it last Saturday when they held their Unique Artists event at Scala. DJs on the rota for the night included Too Hot To Handle' DJ Randall, the mighty Andy C, scratchmaster Hype, Bad Company, Darren Jay, Mampi Swift, Zinc, Optical and Shimon. They were accompanied by the lyrical maestros Rage, Fats, Flux, Rymetlme and the one and only MC GQ,.
Scala was packed to the rafters with ravers who were driven to an absolute frenzy by the sounds of dark, naughty bassUnes and manic beats . Bad Company, Andy C and Hype all played T for tremendous sets; Hype absolutely hurting the crowd with his rough jungllst sounds.
It was too jnuch for some who fled in sheer anguish and retreated to the upper floors in search of some light relief from DJs Skitz, Lakuti, Rodney P and Geko Beats.
Wicked atmosphere, nice ravers, baaaad beats, bubbling MCs ; If you weren't there then make sure you don't miss their next unique event.
Bad Company ( right) played a magnificent selection
Slow mmjoH Pttfsmrs
WAMuMMi
w.
Bort beatz

EDDVaDUS HIGH LIFE
As DJ mag pointed out In its February issue, clubbing in Croatia is something of a clubber's delight: wild and hot. Thcwgh now based in Paris EddyteDus have kept this In mind when they produced thetr first LP, the groovy High Life. No cheesy trance here. Its all about deep and funky beats, and this album truly lives up to its title.
Zagreb vibes, Mr Funk sav^ the world and the eponymous track aie cinematic cruises that take you thr^ghout the contrasted diversity of 21st century Europe at night. Can you smell the rotten fragrance of war? Phat Bumper is a phunky stomper reminiscent of Daft Punk and Erik Rug's Daphreefunkateerz, but that's for the best,
no pale plagiarlsmjiere! Starllte is one of those deep and funky slices of sexy house music coming straight from Paris. Come on! Go and talk to the models, they won't bite you! Back yn da daze gets you floating in a Brazilian haze, building up
hypnotically aAund a nasty bass Ime. A lovely dreamlike carnival. Wjckedi There are also two vocal tracks .but mentioning since tftey are uninteresting.
This promises first LP will entertain you from dusk till dawn and justify a parting llf^tyle ending in between the sheets with oR!
gorgeous t^bes from Astern Europe, Not the albupi of the year but check it out!
Sebastian^ubert
Hot Saike two<Chliti Funic
If anyone wa^to explain the Importance of the club scene in England, he would have to consider rain and cold winds as key factors. This truth strikes the mind of tne lazy rev iewer even more so when he has to listen to groovy records such as G^I^Bs Hot Sauce Two. Latin beats are everywhere these days, from jazz to that's for the best so far as this second^omoilation is concerned, collection of soulful tracks are the famous Dr Bob Jones and Lofty, providing^jjs with this summer breeze we miss right now, and believe me or not, but Japartfee sure know something about summer breeze. Su-Pakah-Pooh's Kurage {ifeylight Mix) is delicate and delightful as a sunny afternoon in Tuscany. Cool, sophisticated, yet always funky, the tracks on this album range from deep anil garage house to jazz and tribal, and show the class of their producers. Personal favourites are Locarno & Burns' Off and On (Bush Shuffle Mix), DJ Deep's (nner Peace (boy this man lives up to his name!), U.C. Heights' Never Lost Faith (Dtfep Mix), and 0SL and Nate Juan's Loca Blue. So play the music on, have a catpirinha and relax ; the evening promises to be smooth...
Sebastian Aubert
EDOY&DUS. HIGH UF£

hot sauce two
¦	rrrnrj	- -
Coming soon to Bart clubbing;,, albums from LIJ Bukem and,.: Underwotves, plus an exclusive Underwolves interview!
MUSIC
NEWS
JAY NOT WALKING
One of Rock'n'RoUs greatest characters Screarhm' Jay Havykins passed away last week in Paris aged 70. The US musician, who penned the classic "I put a speU on you", often produced startling stage performances such as coming on in a flaming coffin, a stunt set to be recreated quite soon, although almost certainty for the last time. If you get my drift.
THE FESTIVE SEASON NEARS
If any of you have got any rnpney left over at the end of the academic year the inevitable drunken dalliances around fields in godforsaken shitholes awaits. From the loo.k of the lineup Glastonbury looks set to be the shithole of choice this summer as the trirumvirate of David Bowie, the Chemical Brothers and Travis is likely to pursuade many to part with £90 and sleep with the pigsit on Worthy Farm (wear Glasto is located) at the end of June. Or if the August bank holiday is looking vacant the Reading/Leeds and now Glasgow rotation festival is set to host Oasis, and the weather is often better too.
D'ARCY IN CRACK REHAB
Former Smashing Pumpkins bassist D'Arcy Wretzky was told to undergo two months of drug rehab by Cook County Court last week following her arrest for crack possession on the 25th of January. Apparently Ms Wretzky was found by police whilst travelling in a car with three rocks, and we're not talking granite.
Open Your Mind
In desparation for an article Beastie Beaver gets off his hairy ass to write about his feelings on British musical conservatism - no one said he was interesting
<cc^
$e»stt» Writts
people in 'Britain are naturally more conservative than most when it comes to nearly all aspects of everyday life. However, I would like to suggest that this is even more obvious when it comes to
music. Whilst we embrace technological advances with anticipation only analogous with the fat aunt who is about to expunge her menopausal broodings using her poor unwitting four .year old nephew it is ironic that we simultaneously dismiss ambitious attempts at Innovation as non-music crap.
Take the forthcoming single from Max Tundra,
"Cakes" for example, it fails to obey the ordinary "laws" of songwriting,
for the most anal I y retentive music listener the fact it doesn't have words is going to be a problem, but in terms of clashing melodies and non-repetitive chords it is unusual, alien, weird. Most wouldn't even afford it a second listen, something that is sadly their loss. Of course there are a few believers and the success of Aphex Twin last year on the basis of one single, the frankly disturbing "Windowlicker", shows that the media are only too willing to push Britain musically forward, a vision sadly not shared by the general public.
Peel: Musically Liberated
Liking this music isn't about elitism, it isn't about saying "John Peel played It so it must be good" it's all about finding out more about the world, opting out of the London rat race for a minute to reflect on how we view the environment in which we live.
It's a sad fact that we would rather stick with what we know and excuse our musical conservatism because "we're only being ironic", or alcohol "oh, 1 only like that sort of music when I'm pissed". These people have got to be the worst of the lot, not only musically conservative but in musical denial, so fucked up they don't have the confidence to say what they do and don't like, if this country is truly the liberal society it purports to be there should be no stigma attached in walking into Woolworths and buying music whether it be Marilyn M a n s 0 n , Aphex Twin, S Club 7 or even Cliff fucking Richard, but there is. Even Radio 1, paid for by our money, with supposedly no agenda other than public service thinks it has the right to censor what we do and do not hear.
It's okay to listen to S Club 7 for fuck's sake; they make good pop songs something often under-rated in general and frowned on by pseudo-superior fascistic music journps and readers of NME and, to a greater extent. Melody Maker. However, if these artists alone musically satisfy anyone I fear for this country's future.
The problem is typified by the relentless pigeonholing of
music, and those who religiously go to the same sections in music shops just to avoid a listening post where something different might be
Aphex twin:
Twisted Genius
interference and music when used to produce identifiably derivative chord sequences. The perfect example is the mobile phone, a phenomenon

available, for free, out of fear of liking something not within their section.
In addition, the parameters of what is and what isn't music exist only through the reaction to our brain makes to the sound waves our ears receive. If one does not allow t h e s e parameters to stretch beyond the twelve inch radius of any given Beat Ie s release and its subsequent spawn be it Oasis,
Blur, the Stone Roses, or whatever then we limit ourselves. Our generation readily accepts electronica. as sound in
few would have predicted people are forever programming in their ring tones, but who thinks of these as 'music'? Many would say their ring tones are just sound, or music recreated by sound, unwilling to Interpret 'music' in anything other than Its most narrow definition. Use your mobile phones to make music and enjoy it.
Opening up ones mind to the beauty held with what we might ordinarily think of as musically erroneous 1n terms of "Lenno n 1 s t" musical syntax enables us to truly enjoy what it is to live in a musically liberated age. :

MOBY DICKS ABOUT
Moby
@ Astoria Theatre
First of all Up-ser/ice must be paid to support 'act' Hardknox who, to liven things up a little, as you do, had two leggy brunettes to 'dance' throughout their set. However,	their
interpretation of 'dancing' is more often found on Granada Men and Motors than Top of the Pops. From rubber bondage gear through whips, lesbian sex acts to the finale of prancing round stage in just a thong and taped nipples its hard to remember anything about the music really. As some sort of ironic fatalism I end up standing to a middle aged woman not dissimilar in size and ugliness to Tubbs from The League of Gentlemen as Moby enters the stage.
Moby making a mockery of the Our Price categorisation system, explores and exploits Rock, Techno, Blues, Folk and Hip-Hop in his sonic travels. His reworking of the James Bond theme kicks the crowd into action and from then on, even through ill-advised techno breakouts, in homage to "those who went to raves in the 80s and 90s" and attempts at slapstick comedy, the diverse audience is doing whatever they want to do to show their appreciation. Some mosh, some pongo, some do
high speed hand movements all in approval of the skinny bald man on stage. "Bodyrock" is outstanding with Spinbad scratching away on the stage left turntables. However, one can't'help feeling that with Moby's proficiency in so rnany genres he might be stretching the audience too much, are we at a gig or a rave? Can Moby have it all no matter how much he deserves it?
After an odd folk encore Moby returns for the second time and stands alone, bare chested behind a keyboard as hardcore techno blasts through the Astoria. It's a fitting end to a night of diverse music but somewhat musically schizophrenic.
Charlie Jurd
BOON BOON SHAKE SHAKE THE ROOM
The Clint Boon Experience
@ ULU, London
Clint Boon...you can't put a good man down. What do you expect from a man that was behind the Inspiral Carpets of Madchester? A has-been? A Brian May? Perhaps...
The Clint Boon Experience is nothing far from fantastic. It's a thing you see and desperately want to be a part of. I was scared that I would be disappointed by it, expecting to be dazzled. It was the best. The introduction by lain Lee (11 o'Clock Show) which proved that people who you don't like can like can like good things, preceded a low start that soon built up to something of incredible enormity, of great phantastisism- I am obsequious. Mr Clint Boon jumped on stage looking like a cheap game-show host-all big lapels and dandy shirt. He exuded the aid of a fading pop icon in the self indulgent twilight of his career. The music was a fusion of punk (the^second encore was Iggy Pop's 'I Wanna Be Your Dog'), new wave/mod and a douse of the Fall-
purely British. The Clint Boon Experience has that lively air of the northern British socialist ideal, and was reminiscent of that fresh, exciting music of the early nineties that I grew up with, whose spontaneity has long been forgotten
in today's 'scene' and is sorely missed- the sort of music that the first decade of this century craves. The lyrics has that ever-sought sincere emotion -far from cliche- or alternatively cliche as an ironic veil to sincerity.
Clint is a classic British band-leader-	an
exuberant crowd-pleaser who-impressed without feeling the need to impress accompanied by his music, by his experience, by him self. A true one-off. This gig was truly special- 1 only wish you were there to see it. "I like it white with no sugar"
Daniel Barnes and Michael Elsby can be seen performing their "Dane For Architecture" outside the Barbican in early June.
Daniel Barnes & Michael Elsby
DIP-STICKS
Diphonia
@ The Water Rats
This is the kind of venue where you could spend your weekends : there's a good selection of up and coming bands, beers are not expensive, a charming student crowd, BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE DO PUT THE MUSIC SO LOUD!!! Jesus! Ok, enough said . Let's talk about Diphonia (Cool name isn't it? To find out what it means you should have read the Beaver before, sorry). Sadly there weren't many people to watch them play, and that's a bit of a shame since
Diphonia played a powerful set. They have a good rhythm section that enhances their power chords, and the samples they add are well in place and coherent with their style. They have a potential hit single, but their frontman should .improve his singing and stop moving like Liam Gallagher. Young bands like Diphonia are more interesting than Oasis, that bunch of old farts, and shouldn't be impressed by them. So if you hear about Diphonia , go and see them because they are worth every penny you'll pay for.
Sebastian Aubert
SINGLE
Soulwax
Conversation Intercom A lovely serene affair boasting as many mad quirky bits as middle-of-the-road stuff you'd expect from a single. The special beauty of the song is hidden underneath loads of embellished layers, which means you can listen to it all day (if you're that way inclined) and not get bored. Blinding.
9/10 .SG
Kraftwerk
Expo 2000
Futuristic yet classically Kraftwerk, the Germans' latest track is no departure from their electronic funk vibe but its still a force to be reckoned with. The electronic beats, headfuckingly gorgeous synth-melody which warps in and out through electro-flute and electro-bass, the "Expo 2000" vocal sample, all go to building a
really great track. However, some of the other samples used "The 21st Century", "Men, nature, technology" (in English then German) are tacky and cringeworthy.
8/10 CJ
Slipknot
Wait and Bleed Before you start classing it off as heavy metal rubbish, one listen to it will blow away any preconceptions you may have. At the base of this song is more emotion that Ronan Keating can express no matter how much money he's given for it. On the top, there's' a hook that moshpit revellers can only dream of, all adding up to a bluddy good song. Thumbs up.
8/10 SG
Ninety 9
Willow
This is straight NYC type hip-hop, meaning always with the original beats and innovative sounds. It definitely brought me back some memories of 'pimp & house' parties (i.e. a sort of 'fancy dress' thing here, just much, much cooler and crazier) in S.D., California. Those deep
base lines while everybody's pimping 70's style (fucking A. man I'm starting to feel old at a young age; I guess it is the LSE 'let's get the hell out of here and make tons of money when we are 45' thing that is getting to me.)
4/5 ' SO
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
The Greatest Romance Ever
Sold With this appropriately i n - s e a s 0 n romance single the fomer Prince once again proves himself a master of pop musicianship. Yet in spite of all the impeccable production and arrangement, to me the Artist always comes across as a slightly sleazy wedding singer with a cheesy Arab-funk fusion back-up band. It's essentially harmless though, and for once the obligatory Jasor> Nevis and hip hop remixes are actually more than just a cheap scam to get album-owners to also
buy the single.
6/10 LB
Southern Fly
Maybe It's the Right Time Imagine a really bad Dodgy without the happy pills but preserve the bland pop and voila_you have 'Maybe It's The Right Time'. There's nothing to the Song at all; don't sit waiting for something exciting to happen, because the song will skip by with all the energy of a Northern Line train.
3/10 SG
Groop Dogdrill
Head of Safety/ Simian Kind There are only a few bands whose singles hit the target each time, and Groop Dogriil- (surprise, surprise) are one of them. Effortlessly brilliant, both songs of this double A-Side sound like an amalgamation of the best bits of Therapy? And Nirvana, but with more originality than nearly any band out at the moment Excuse me, I think I've just come.
10/1(3 SG
MUSIC
SMACK MY BEACH UP
Jan O'Corry chills out and lets the soundtrack to the Beach wash over him
The Beach Soundtrack
Various Artists
The Beach. The film that everyone is talking about, has a soundtrack that everyone should be.
Talking about, that is,
and certainly not the lambasting the movie itself has received from some quarters.
The soundtrack does not fulfill its main function, to augment the film. It has been selected apparently on the merits of the individual tracks, almost regardless of the direction of the film. The result is not so great for the film, but great for the listener. The music taken purely as it stands makes for a fine album.
The high point of the album is undoubtably Woby's track Porcelain. Find a quiet, darkened room. Lie down, and press play and let the music flow over you. If one needed a tortured sonic metaphor for the waves gently crashing on the golden shores this is it.
The hit record is undoubtably brought by All Saints, whose Pure Shores single will nodoubt scream into the charts very soon, marking
their return from the musical badlands. They have not diverted too much from a winning pop formula, but it is slick enough to fit in with a much darker, underground album.
The sugary smoothness of the All Saints soon becomes crashing guitar rifts, electronic chords and crashing drum beats. The rest of the album should certainly not be judged on Pure Shores, it is an exception to a much darker rule. Other highlights from the album include Blur's On Your Own and the hi-octane dance floor hit Yeke Yeke. This will no doubt refresh many memories of balmy summer nights of frenzied dance. It is a fine tune, but perhaps has difficulties justifying its place on an album that pulls it in a very differeflt direction.
As an album the CD would perhaps be better placed in the collections of World Music or Trance. It will not be bought by many as a soundtrack, but if you like what you have heard from Moby and the All Saints
????? As a soundtrack ????? As a funky trance / ambient album
Ian Curry
VOODOO: NOT DOO-DOO
D'Angelo
Voodoo
This is a good one for all, or almost all, or maybe not really. D'Angelo style is hardly existent nowardays. A combination of true soul beats with
some portions of contemporary rap topped with East Coast pimp music, this album is interesting. The majority of singing within the songs is real quiet and relaxed; a soul way of making you sink ever so deep into the couch and pass it to the right. Unlike the disgusting concept of what is known nowadays as soul, this music is directly influenced by the musical style of slaves (in the literal sense) in the colonised North America (...in the historical sense, not the political sense...). There are some direct
allusions to the original religious practices of African slaves in America prior to the mass conversion. Hence, the title of the album. The CD contains lyrics, a practice never adopted in regular rap/soul/R&B albums; there is a contentious emphasis here that this is supposed to poetry. But if you would just listen to the music with its soft relaxing vocals, you would ask: 'fucking A, why the fuck did the fuckers put a fucking "PARENTAL ADVISORY: EXPLICIT CONTENT" right in the center of the cover?' Once you read the lyrics it all makes sense. There is just as much (if not more) social criticism of America in this album as in gangster rap albums, yet the harsh words are sang in an ever eloquent type of way. Wow, the English would love this calm approach. The title of the second track entitled 'Devil's Pie' says it all. The third track, 'Left Et Right' feature both the Method Man and Redman. Need I say more? Alas.
?????
Shumi Obrasky
Simpsons Characters	
?????	Homer
	Chief Wiggum
?????	Smithers
?????	Patti and Selma
?????	Mr. Burns
THE BIG BABOU IS GOING TO GET YOU!
Laurent Gamier
Unreasonable Behaviour
Laurent Gamier is 33 years old, he's one of the best DJs in the world and Unreasonable Behaviour is his best album to date. Having said that I could go to the pub and celebrate, but I won't because few DJs have managed to compose such a brilliantly coherent album, and it deserves the treatment due to its rank.
To fight the urban schizophrenia of western societies, where cruelty and indifference are infecting the City Sphere,
where the monstrous voice of Greed can be heard loud and clear,
some people have chosen to stay in the underground.	For
instance people like Jeff Mills, Mad Mike from Underground Resistance and in his own way, Laurent Gamier. Hence the logic of Cycles d'oppositions. Laurent hasn't settled down and he has reached his musical maturity : his sense of composition and of dramatic progression has reached new heights, enabling him to cover the whole spectrum of T-echno music. A diversity every one should keep in mind when one thinks of the multiple roots of Techno. In his own words : "It's a very
electronic album where I worked very much on the colour of the sounds, working on resonance and effects and basically gave the album a lot more energy. It is much moodier and deeper than a lot of stuff I have done before."
Working for the first time with a sound engineer, he has managed to produce an ecstatic techno-jazz fusion number (The man with the Red Face), thundering techno-driven classics ( The sound of the Big Babou, Dangerous Drive) and broken-up cinematic tracks such as Communication from the lab. The final gem of the album is the superb tribute to New York, Chicago and Detroit, Last tribute from the 20th Century, melodic synthesis of his strongest influences.
As he proved it recently when he rocked The End for seven hours, Laurent has that unique ability to take clubbers through the most varied styles of music to a state of ecstasy. It seems he has now found the way to express it on a full album. A must-have. Check also the LP version, for it contains tracks not included on the CD.
?????
Sebastian Aubert
WHO'S THE BOSS?
Boss Hog
Whkeout
Despite the fact that "whiteout" sounds like a porn-industry term for the male ejaculation (disturbing images of American porn directors in flannel shirts with beards saying "zoom in Todd, were approaching whiteout"
spring to mind) Boss Hog,> on the liner notes to this, their fourth LP,
assure us that this merely means "when the light coming from above is e<^ual to the light coming from beloy/". The result of this being "absence of shadow,/invisibility of the horizon,/and the discernibility of only very dark objects", so there.
Boss Hog is Christina Martinez and partner Jon Spencer, of Blues Explosion fame, with a few others who do the rest of
the things a good rock band should do but with a difference. The beats are fresh and the bass, as you would expect from a Joh Spencer project is funky, see "Nursery Rhyme", and the addition of keyboards is drarnatically effective ih turning mediocre tracks into funky body shakers.; From the start on the outstanding "Whiteout" Martinez' V 0 c a t harmonies abound, with Spencer's porn-Elvis impression snarling in chase (check out "Chocolate") and whilst the middle of the album "Fear for You" and "Get It While You Wait" slips into pleasant mediocrity, the punk ending of "Trouble" and "Monkey rescues it a tittle.
????? Charlie Jur<i
I
sinternational
TfteBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000' 19
REFLECTIONS
ON ZIMBABWE
Gabrielle Menezes offers a home view on Zimbabwe, which has lately featured prominantly on the international arena unfortunately due to a seires of troubles such as extreme oil shortages
In my memory Harare, the Zimbabwean capital was a beautiful city complete with Jacaranda trees and smiling people. Ideal it was not, but it was a far cry to what it is today. When I last returned, Harare was a chaotic mass of people, who were on the verge of starving, and queues of 400 cars for petrol which was in short supply. This is perhaps simply, to international observers, the story of Africa. A beautiful country gone wrong, due to corruption and mismanagement. A pity, but nothing new. This may be true, but it is impossible for me to look at the situation in the same way without feeling outraged.
In order to discuss the recent events in Zimbabwe, it is necessary to put them into their historical context. Zimbabwe was formerly called Rhodesia. In 1965, a Universal Declaration of Independence was declared by the white minority, and thus followed years of civil war for black majority rule. The United Nations
condemned this declaration of independence and placed sanctions on Rhodesia. Eventually Britain resumed control before independent elections were held in May 1980. Robert Mugabe was elected Prime Minister, and in 1987, became an executive president when the Britisti-designed constitution was changed. The irony of this little story is that for a few years Zimbabwe appeared to be doing really well. Zimbabweans had a. president who was regarded as a national hero, who WAS in fact a hero, having been imprisoned for 10 years by the white supremacy government. In spite of consolidating his power by brutally crushing an armed rebellion in Matabeleland, (a separate tribal grouping to the one Mugabe belonged too) Zimbabwe under Mugabe was looking really quite good for Africa. Its leader was, all in all, regarded as a good one by the International community.
The troubles of Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe PM. Robert Mugabe
Picture: Archives
really began 8 years ago. Due to corruption and mismanagement of the economy, food prices began escalating and inflation began to take over. In 1997, the Zimbabwean dollar, which had once been on parity with the British pound, devalued by 70%. The government, very sensibly, began to combat this problem by advising people to eat less. Nothing was done to correct the corruption of the economy, except to print more money. The Central Bank is now known as "Bobs Takeaway".
There is one bright spot in the future of Zimbabwe. The political climate, which has for so long been dominated by the ZANU PF party, has finally mobilised some political opposition. The Movement for Democratic Change has been lobbying for support. This fact leads up to the recent events of February 15th, when Mugabe received the biggest blow to his power. 54.6% of the Zimbabwean electorate overwhelmingly rejected the government's draft constitution. This document was designed to give Robert Mugabe another 10 years in office, and grant him the right to arbitrarily seize white-owned farms without compensation. Of course the ZANU PF government, which has convinced itself that its troubles are due to a white conspiracy, once again played the race excuse saying that the hundreds of white voters who turned up made the difference in turning the vote against his constitution draft. From the fact that the white percentage of the population is less than 2%, this is about as plausible as a white conspiracy theory. Bob's logic follows through in saying that Britain should pay any compensation for any farms that have been seized, because they are the farms that were taken away by British Colonials.
One can only hope that the Movement for Democratic Change party will receive the majority of seats in the next election. The rejection of the draft constitution is


. -Wi .if- -	i

Victoria Falls - Zimbabwe's pride of natural beauty, the biggest waterfall in the world	Picture: Archives
a landmark symbol of the ZANU PF power diminishing. In either case, Zimbabwe faces many difficult years ahead. This is all too glibly spoken by an outsider, but it means extreme poverty, hunger, and hardship for the Zimbabwean people, coupled with rising crime and violence. It is uncertain whether Zimbabwe will ever return to the country of my childhood, where safety and security were
taken for granted in "the Sunshine City" of Harare. On the other hand, Zimbabwe is only 20 years old, only a baby, as countries go. It is to be expected that it would go through some turbylent times, as did Europe. It can only be hoped^ that it will learn the lessons from its history, and not put complete faith in another political leader, who after all is only human, and therefore fallible.
This is all too glibly spoken by am outsider, but it means extreme povertyA hunger, and hardship for the\ Zimbabwean people, coupled with risingl
crime and violencel
sinternational
7/jeBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000 20
A CRISIS OF NATIONALITY
In an age where pundits tout the collapse of the Nation-state, Claire Pryde discusses a shifting paradigm:
the modern concept of nationality
Are you suffering from an identity crisis?" my housemate asked the other day. "Don't we all?" I replied. Now this is not a question of "poor little me, I don't belong anywhere, I have no roots", but rather what do "identity" and "nationality" mean to you? What makes us "British", "French", "Bangladeshi" etc?
This is a particularly difficult question when applied to LSE students. Many of you found that freshers was a nightmare in terms of trying to explain your origins whilst music was blasting in your ears and beer-spilling strangers nudged their way past you. You look like or sound like you're from here or there but who the hell are you really? In my opinion this just goes to show how "nationality" is losing relevance in a globalising world.
Many may dismiss the terminology however, it has to be recognised that the opening-up of frontiers has brought about a rise in regional movements on the one hand and fundamentalism, be it religious or cultural, on the other. The latter comment just goes to show how wide this subject matter is. I have therefore chosen to focus on Europe.
Take definitions 1 and 2 from the Collins Dictionary, for example « {and no, I have nothing better to do with my time!). 1) the state or fact of being a citizen of a particular nation 2) a body of people sharing common descent, history language, etc. If "nationality" is both of the above then surely it doesn't mean anything. Possessing a British passport isn't 'ffie key to feeling British, nor is speaking the same language as your neighbour. What is then? I hear you ask. Well, that's where it gets tricky.
The European Union is a good case study when it comes to the breaking down of frontiers. After a devastating world war and the failure of states swept by a dangerous wave of nationalism, it was widely accepted that a unified continent would meet the needs and demands of its citizens more satisfactorily than if each state stood alone. Since the first European institution was set up in 1952 a great deal of progress has
been made in terms of unifying Europe. Seven years after the Treaty of Maastricht, European citizens, although often sceptical about the degree of democracy, vote at a European level.
Despite the fears of many a politician, undermining sovereignty does not entail loss of identity. The particularity here is that citizens are encouraged to recognise their "common descent". One could ask if regional movements are the best way forward while governments are feeling impotent in the face of transactions beyond state control.
Could Luxembourg and Belgium's adherence to the EU not be explained by the fact that they feel "small"? if states feel threatened by large financial or political organisations, is pertaining to the EU a way of redefining borders, and with it nationality, as "European"? Perhaps borders are at the heart of the problem. The Mayas and Incas were oblivious to borders, and even earlier this year a new tribe was "found" in Brazil that had been living within the territories of three different countries. Similarly Africa has been a victim of Europeans granting independence to territories they had defined; these delimitations did not necessarily match tribal "borders". Could we then give credit to this European integration in the sense that opening up frontiers encourages the formation of cultural, religious or social groups rather than the more dangerous, and artificial if one considers the examples given above, national groups? What does this say about human behaviour?
All humans have a need to belong by nature, be this belonging to a group or nation. However it seems as though the latest trend is to be part of a society, for example the European one or the global one. But is a society just an extended notion of the model of the nation-state? The Dictionary says that societies usually provide "national identity". This is a good reminder of the fact that a nation is different to a territorially-defined state, maybe this is exactly why European economic and social negotiations have gone far better than political ones.
The point is that the day of the
nation-state is nearing an end, as is identifying yourself by saying where you come from. It may be a way of differentiating individuals, an illustration of this being "Hawaiian Claire", "Northern Claire" (obviously in this case it's a regional issue. Please excuse me girls!) and "French Claire" (and don't you dare call me that to my face!).
However when it comes to where that person actually feels they are from, it's a different story. Surely there are better ways of describing oneself. At LSE for example we have cliques (the Swedes, the French, the Italians etc) but at the same time the reason why people hang out together is because they have "things" in common. These "things" are cross-national. You could say that this is nothing new. But it is to some extent. And the reason why is because those individuals who are affiliated to different nationalities try and find a different sense of belonging.
Just as an individual with a multinational or multicultural background may find it reassuring identifying themselves as "European", countries join the EU in order to assert their position and make sure they don't get "swallowed up", especially in terms of sovereignty, by cross-national occurrences. Organizations should be based around what global-speak has dubbed a "region" (Europe, Africa, etc): these organizations have been the most successful, moving fast and achieving real results - unlike their clunky world-wide counterparts.
This could be explained by the fact that although we should preach cosmopolitan tolerance, one still needs to differentiate oneself from others or else there will be no limitations, no characteristics and no identity to distinguish between the masses. I believe that it is especially important in this day and age, while individuals feel hopeless and powerless when confronted by the forces of globalisation for there to be regional solidarity movements and it is up to each and every one of us to find our own sense of identity. Good luck.
H ¦¦ M ^n--
Flagging spirit of nationalism
Pic: Archives
"Although we should preachi cosmopolitan tolerance, one stilll needs to differentiate oneself froml others, or else there will be no I limitations, no characteristics and\ no identity to distinguish between]
the masses.
PuLSE Radio is now broadcasting 24 hours a day!
You can hear PuLSE by either using your computer (connected to the LSE Network / Internet) or by visiting the Quad or SU Shop
Not only are PuLSE providing a massive bar subsidy at this week's Crush, they're also giving a goodie bag full of CDs and other gifts to one lucky person.
Just e-mail beaver@pulsefm.co.uk with the answer to this question:' What Is the web address for PuLSE
FM?'
Hi! I'm Flo, the technical wizard behind PuLSE.
Its really easy to listen to PuLSE on your computer - it doesn't
matter if you have a PC or a Mac: just follow rny easy 3 step
guide and you'll be up and running in no time.
If you get stuck, e-mail me at: help@pulsefm.co.uk
Hear your Beaver favourites on PuLSE:
Jo plays the ven/ latest music sent to the Beaver office every Monday at 11 am
Mr Lee Federman gives his views on the v^orld and plays the best music everi' Monday afternoon from 1pm.
Shilpa has her chance to spin the wheels of steel every Friday lunchtime, at 12
Other highligtits include:
The Bankside Dave's on Fridays @ 4pm -and also through Friday night &. at the weekend
The Sabbs keep us informed as to what they're up to every Thursday @ 11 ami
Laura Taborn broadcasts around campus on a Monday afternoon, bet\veen 2 and " ]rn
Load your mtemet program aiid gp to ^TOT^^.pulsefm.co .uk
2.	Click on the 'Listen' Link (see riglit)
3.	Click on the'Listen Live'Link
Tadal (Don't wony if there is a slioit delay - this is normal!)
If Windows Media Plaj^r complains that it 'Can't Fitid Codec' or if Windows Media Does Not Appear - don't wony -;70u just need the new version of this free software. To download this, click on the 'Get Windows Media' Button on 'Listen' Web Page - it should just take a minute or two to get.
Don't forget you can e-mail help@pulsefm.co.uk if there are any problems
tiiy
¦ J -J	- ¦-
PuLSE is on the lookout for DJs - pop down to the studio for a chat if you're interested (we're downstairs past the Tuns, opposite the Underground) or e-mail radio@pulsefm.co.uk
Continuing with the job advertisements, if there is anyone out there with any computer experience who are interested in becoming part of ourtechnical and/or web team, we'd love to hear from you.
Finally, we are having a big marketing meeting on Tuesday at 5pm. Anyone who is interested in promoting the station and the PuLSE sponsored Crush is more than we I c ome. M e et i n th e stu d io.

Has anjnoiie seen my cup of tea?
Where's Zak?
LSE
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PLUS! Look out for the RAG WEEK ABSEIL

ETEYE
The 14th November 1994 will go down In the annuls of history as a glorious night for Britain. Not only did we witness Prince Charles' 46th birthday but, more importantly, the advent of the National Lottery. The Lottery ddmimistered by Camelot, has offered a chance of a lifetime to many. An opportunity to fulfil their wildest dreams and escape Britain, leaving behind those outstanding cricketers, the smoothly operating transport iofrastructure, the welt-managed NHS and our beloved right-' wing friends, A.BIairi Esq. & Go., all of which are uriquestidnably theienvy of the World. However even if you have not been lucky enough to win the jackpot at least you can go away feeling proud. The reason for this is that a proportion (28%) of every £1 spent goes on "good causes". Fortunately (for Btetr & Co.), such 'gopd causes' have included the 'Doom' and the exquisite new Covent Garden Opera Housie, two thoroughly worthwhile ventures which will provide fantastic spots for the homeless to gather and plead from the more affluent members of our society.
Those living in the North of Britain will also greatly appreciate this spending. After having saved enough for the 'train' fare to make the trek to the South, it will be 'an amazing day' out for all of the! Additionally, it is good to see that the Directors of Camelot (many of whom are ex-employees of StudentLine/CampusLink) have made numerous trips 'up North' (including Scotland) to view the abandoned coal fields (thanks to Thaticher), disused ship yards (thanks to Thatcher) and manifest urban degeneration (i.e. in A.Blair, Esq.'s constituency, Sedgfield), all of which were overlooked as potential areas of funding by the aforementioned bureaucrats. We at SE believe Camelot's administration department should heed some advice from their counterparts at LSE. This way they would cultivate a public image that all is well, even though in truth is rather different.
However, bad news is nigh, for on the horizon the Troops of Doom march onwards towards the Castle of Camelot. Leading the march is Sir Richard Branson, owner of Virgin pic. and undertaker of numerous failed round-the-world balloon attempts. Surely such a character could never hope to breach the castle walls and overthrow the Camelot dynasty? But wait, Branson is not alone... is that... Bill Gates!? Indeed it is! Our favourite capitalist Bill Gates has jumped onto the Brans' wagon, promising to provide the lottery through use of mobiles and interactive digital-TV. Although this is a novel plan, unfortunately those of us who have little financial resources after three years at LSE will not be able to benefit unless any of us are fortunate enough to make it onto the Board of Directors. Moreover, Bill and Dick want to guarantee a 'millionaire a day' through the 'People's Lottery' (excluding Northerners). Luckily this will only require Bill to sell a couple of copies of Windows 2000 and Dick to shift at least one of his new mobile phones (bit of a vested interest there, eh?)
Therefore in light of the many 'faux pas' committed by Camelot and the improbable bid put forward by the Gruesome Twosome, we suggest LSE should take over the responsibility for the Lottery. This would guarantee the maximisation of profits (and hence directors 'renumeration'), additional funds to ensure adequate training for those in administrational positions, not to mention the numerous 'good causes' which would benefit (LSE Charity No. 70527).
CAFE AMO
fully licensed pasta cafe
DOM VIT
sandwich bar
present a
20%
discount to all LSE students
before 1 lam and after2pm Mon~Fri and all day Saturday
Simply show your LSE id card
UPCOMING:
LENT TERM ELECTIONS
• Lent Term Elections will take place in the week commencing Monday 27th February. The following posts are to be contested:
Sabbatical Positions
General Secretary Treasurer Education and Welfare Entertainments
Executive Officers
Siate (4 positions - Societies, Communications, Environment & Services and Residences)
International Students Mature and Part-Time Students Equal Opportunities (Female)
Equal Opportunities (Male)
Union Committees
Finance and Services (4 positions)
Constitution and Steering (7 positions)
Returning Officer NUS conference delegates (5 positions)
Get your free Guide to the Election from Union Reception.
It has information on what the jobs involve, how to stand for them and the election rules. Nomination Forms are available from Union Reception.
Nominations must be.handed in by Wednesday, 23rd February at 5pm. This is your chance to get involved in your Union and take decisions that affect your future at the LSE,
do not let it slip by. If you aren't happy with something or think you could do a better job, here's your chance to prove it. Remember - all students have the right to stand.


ULU
ULU Election Notification
President Vice-President (Finance & Societies) Vice-President (Welfare & Student Affairs) Vice-President (Sport)
Editor (London Student)
These Sabbatical positions and run from 1st August 2000 to 31st July
2001
Nominations open at noon Tuesday, 22nd February Nominations close at noon Tuesday, 29th February Manifesto Deadline noon on Tuesday, 29th February
Elections and Hustings'will take place at the ULU Council meeting on Monday, 13th March 2000 at 7.00pm in Room 101 Nominations forms and Regulations are available from the President's PA, Adrlane Thompson, University of London Union, Malet Street, London, WC1E 7HY, Tel 0171-664-2003 e-mail: a.thompson@ulu.lon.ac.uk
To All Students in the Language Centre:
Teaching Quality Assessment Committee Review of Academic Activity m LSE Language Centre
Friday 17 March 2000 in room A698
The Review Team will be meeting with:
•' Degree course students Cei*tilicate coarse students International students
10 00- ll.OOam 1.15-2.15ptB 2.15 --3,30pirr
This is your opportunity to express youi" views on the teaching and facilities you receive.
efreshments will be provided
UN Society Amnesty Society Grimshaw Society
present
Dr Faluzi
speaking on UN Current developments and Careers Friday 25th Feb Time: 4:00pm The Old Theatre
GEN SEC'S ' COLUMN
Those of you (and probably not very many) who read this column every week, will be used to me ranting and raving about our latest plan to boost democracy, participation, involvement etc. in the Union, Now its your turn to do that.
In two weeks time we elect the ' people who will run your Union next year. We will elect the person who'll be writing this column next year, along with his or her colleagues.
These elections are your best chance to make sure that the people you want are in charge.
There are two ways of doing this. Firstly, make sure you vote on either March 1 or 2 - if you don't vote, your voice won't be heard. Secondly, and better still, be one of those people who students could vote for. Stand for election yourself.
There is no better way of guaranteeing that you voice is heard than being part of the team that ahs to listen and direct the Union based on students' voices.
The commitment needn't be massive. Yes, the four full-time sabbatical positions ar-e being contested, but so are many part-time positions, including members of the Executive Committee (the Union's key function decision-making committee), the new Finance and Services Committee, Returning Officer and fnore.
As somebody who has been through the process, there is little more rewarding than being in a position where you can actually do somethingj-do something that will make a positive impact on the LSE community. And because of the way Students' Unions are constructed it is relatively easy to be in that position, even as a "minor" elected officer.
The Union relies for its legitimacy on yojj, students. The Union can only function effectively and in a representative and responsive way if people take part in the Union, This is especially true with its decision making structures.
If you aren't happy with something the Union is doing or aren't happy
because it isn't doing something, this is your chance to do something about it. If you think you could do a better job this is your chance to prove it. . Nominations close on Wednesday, 23 February at 5pm, You can pick up a Guide to the Election and a Nomination Form from Union reception.
As election fever grips LSE, it is spreading elsewhere - in particular
to ULU and NUS, The University of London Union and the National Union of Students are the two external bodies to which we as a Union affiliate, to ensure that LSE gets its voice heard and is properly represented in the regional and national scene.
Elections for the students who will run ULU and NUS take place in March and April respectively. Although nominations for NUS have now closed,-they are about to open at ULU, Look out for posters for more information.
Whether at ULU or here at LSE,; elections form the core of a Students-Union's democracy, the foundations on which all Students' Unions are built.; They are your chance to have your say. They are the way we can guarantee that Union's are student led and student focused.
Jonathan Black
TrteBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000 24
NEWS FROM THE EXEC
nother exciting week kiddies with hardly anyone playing, Still, at least w6 have something to contribute to BeaverSports. kThe most importants news to report this week is the confirmation of our inaugural AU BAH to celebrate those who have given their all to LSE Sports over the last three years (or four years depending on how clever they really are). This prestigous event will be held at the New Connaught Rooms and tickets cost £25.50, which covers a four course meal, half a bottle of wine, a disco and a late licence. Ticket sales will take place from Wednesday the 23rd February for those with colours (colours to be announced on Tuesday) and on open sale the week after. The event has to be restricted to AU Member because it is heavily subsidised by AU funds and places are restricted. Watch this space.
We would also like to report that nominations have opened for those who wish to fill our shoes next year. The posts to be contested are j^residerrt, Treasurer, Secretary, Events Officer, Communications Officer and Club Liason Officer. Anyone interested who wants to chat to the current EXEC should see Rob Sellers, Charlotte knowles, Amar Vidyarthi, Owain Morgan, Doug Clarke or Jeremy Philips for details or email Amar for the job descriptions.
Finally we would like to wish you alt Good Luck in competition this week and we hope that those lucky enough to be visiting ENSAE don't cause too much damage - go forth and prosper.
SECONDS WIN IN MATCH SHOCKER
FOOTBALL.
LSE 2nd	¦
QMW2nd
Seconds prove football is a man's game

Yes, the crazy head of football once again reared its head as the former legends who were such a quality side (I remember the days ...) actually won a game. Unfortunately it could not be matched by an appearance of the second eleven in the Tuns on Wednesday night - but hey, it's a start.
Rickety "I've got two surnames but still cant make the train on time" P-P did his best to continue that pact he's got with Lord G to make the third team the masters of the universe (first LSE football, then the world..) and tried his damned hardest to not get the kit to Berrylands. But the curse of the second team kit was not to be this time as the dimwitted QMW boys missed the very same Berrylands Express as the kick-off got delayed to 9.30.
An inspired performance from Captain Pete, first with his evil e-mails to all involved with the ll's relegation battle and then his storming performance at the back, saw the Two's score not one, but two (what? and no ringers?!!) cracking goals from the wonder horse himself, Che. With new-boy Mark and the Welsh Wizard controlling the midfield, the QMW lads could only resort to
branding the ref a cheat (resulting in the sending off of one of the smarter members of the QMW defence).
Bolu the Boxer scared their defence shitless as he continued his rampant abuse and foul language aimed at his own team. "That boys a nutter" they screamed as the Boxer beat up Raph, head-butted Sham, and stared at the referee (well, it was Valentine's week after all, and Godolphin does look good in black)
PP looking to impress his new found friend, Brian, was scattering passes all over the field like a man possessed and Dave Shuddupperyerface was there to keep any intruding QMW fonwards from getting near Pitt's slippery hands.
Yes, yes, yes, a seconds win, a piss-up in Paris, a possible walkover in the balance, and its all looking so rosy. Promotion is a long shot but definitely a possibility (if we could start the season again). "A furious end of the season relegation battle should be character building," said Pete after the game. Well, anyway, it should be a laugh.
HOLLOWAY LEFT DEAD AND BURIED
ULU MIXED DOUBLES CUP 1st ROUND
				
				
				
With a performance of the highest quality, last Sunday LSE secured a spot in the ULU Mixed doubles Challenge Cup quarter final. The fixture itself looked incredibly attractive, since the team had romped them 9-0 home and away in the League. This match turned out to be as much the same as any other. The opposition lacked both the skill, experience and temperament to come anywhere near challenging LSE. Typically the game was over before it had even begun. Federman played most of the second match with his left hand, while Shaikh thought it would be be funny to play blindfolded. RHUL failed to appreciate the comic value. 'Deadly' Denis Wright too played in spite of being handicapped by an acute back-pain, after forgetting to stretch off before engaging in intercourse with his wife, Sally. However such silly anecdotes mask the true significance of the LSE badminton massive's trip to Eggham. The match itself was marred by a pre-match incident involving LSE's most notorious sportsman and potentially most dangerous individual 'Deadly' Denis Wright.
Picture the scene: The LSE badminton massive on a train to Egham. The price of crack is down at the moment so the crew indulge themselves on a few chugs from ah illuminous blue light bulb, which has been lent to them by their kit sponsors. The strobe lights are still flashing from the night before. The phat bass line from the XR4i has caused irreparable damage to their ear-drums.
Devna 'Queen of the Vora' pulls out a credit card from her kit back and informs the rest of her team mates that she is about to 'cut up some coke and get high before the match'. Realising the importance of being in a balanced and relaxed state before playing badminton. Club Captain Federman endorses the decision of Vora, and tells her that she's looking 'well fit' today.
As the crew become intoxicated on class A dope, in their first class but unpaid for carriage, Ying Ying Zheng turns blue and begins to vomit onto the shoe of 'Sexy' Sharisa, aptly named for her prowess in the bedroom department. As the despair grows over the fate of 15 year old Ying Ying ('Yummy' to her clients) the ticket inspector enters the carriage and slowly sniffs the air in a suspicious way.
After kindly ignoring the stench of crack, he then inquires to see their tickets. 'Deadly' Denis Wright, who had remained silently and double hard up to this point, replies 'you've got to be fucking joking mate, piss off before I break your face!' 'I'm sorry sir,' the inspector replies, 'but you must have a ticket to travel on British Rail or else you may incur a fine of £100.' 'Are you threatening me?' Wright reacts sensing the nen/ousness of his team mates. 'No, sir, but I must see your ticket' was his gracious reply.
At this point Wright removed a Magnum 873 Panther series from his coat pocket and in one fail swoop shot dead the inspector. 'People wanna fuck with we then that's what they get'. He didn't seem to care that the middle-aged
father of three was only doing his job and probably would have fled, had he been given the opportunity. Luckily he had packed a silencer while the speed garage sounds of DJ Luck coming from Shaikh's boom box drowned out most of the gunshots. The body was then placed in Federman's oversized kit bag and prepared for a burial in Epping Forest later that night (Steve Owen is innocent and we must fight for this cause). This story has remained a secret until now but my conscience and responsibility within the badminton club tells me that I must reveal the truth. I'm sorry Denis, but it is for the best.
As the crew becomel intoxicated on class dope, in their first c/ass but unpaid for carriages Ying Ying Zheng turnsl blue and begins to\ vomit onto the shoe o1 'Sexy' Sharisal
www
TfteBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21st 2000 26
aBeaversports
HOLLOWAY WHORES TRIUMPH AS RHUKL UMPIRE PLAYS A BLINDER
NETBALL RUHL2ncl LSE2ncl
Score? Who knows? The ref ceitaintly didn't Knowlsey swallows a bitter pill
Usually, when a team returns beaten, with the excuse that the ref cheated, it is merely a sad excuse for a vast degree of LSE sporting ineptitude. Many an eyebrow was raised at our protestations of injustice and wry smiles exchanged - "they lost because they can't catch," they were thinking. But no, not this time - you must believe me: No one from Holloway could even compete for the honour of most valuable player - the umpire was outstanding for them every which way.
Once again, the Swingers were sublimely dizzy - we left Anna on the platform as the train pulled out of Waterloo and it took us two hours to reach the land of fields and farmers. However our performance in the first three quarters was stupendous - even against the multitude of decisions that went against us which were contrary to sentiments of fair play
and, in fact, the rules of the game. But we kept our cool because at
least we were still in the lead......or
so we thought. When the second half began we were amazed to discover that the other team must have scored in the break, because there was no other way that Holloway could have pulled level with us - our fault obviously -sloppy defending. Though somebody should have told us you can now play without the other teams presence on court. Can you believe it? The shitbag actually changed the score! It was at this point that Bitchfest 2000 really kicked off. Some big. biffer broke the tRuth's foot, the Goal defence resorted to sitting on 7UP instead of marking the ball whilst her ginger minger boyfriend spouted shit from the sidelines. Lay Keng's breathing was adjudged to be contacting the opposition whilst the RHUL GA jiggled her tits in a very irritating manner and had the nerve to
It was at this point thatl Bitchfest 2000 really kicked off\
FOSTER FONDLED IN NETBALL GIRL DOPPLEGANGER HORROR
NETBALL
LSE 1st	¦ V- . . 32
Barts 1 St -^	1 €
Kristie and Taffy (beware footwear) Cath do a lap of honour
complain when Lou and Paula sandwiched her in a tag team type offensive. And there was further uproar from the Swingers defence as both Paula and Lou lost their collective cool when the rulebook was totally thrown by the wayside and the on-court ranting began. As the final whistle tooted all that remained was for us to.call the munter abysmal to her face, decline their invitation to tea and stomp off to the Monkey's Forehead for fat chips and fattoirs.
The biggest thrill of Anna's week (sorry Sharkie) arrived in the final quarter of this the "lethargic" game as her opponent a seemingly "friendly" girl had a fumble between her legs. Not I hasten to add out of pure sexual desire but due to the sheer frustration due to her inability to obtain-the ball. Lucy showed us the way with her floor play and a fine display of "it really wasn't my fault' which unfortunately, instead of leaving us seven on six, resulted in one of their third players being promoted!!
The sometimes phenomenal and interesting defending from Laura, Anna and Kris. And some "creative" attacking play meant that after two minutes we had forged ahead to six-nil lead. (All that is left to ponder over is how good Laura could be if she bough contacts.)
Ralphy fought off the elbow jabs despite feeling under the weather, which was made considerably worse by the threat of dehydration brought about by a team vote to stop her drinking from the water bottle due to fears of contamination. We figured that she should drink Barts water-what they don't know won't hurt them - that is Lucy's job!!
Despite suffering from sever frost bite, the attack left us all amazed Lucy seemed able to judge exactly were those wild passes were going to land. She claimed that her knowledge of physics and the angle of projection was helping her catch the ball with out ever moving. Remarkable. This explanation however does not wear with us. Oath proved that her performance two weeks ago was not a fluke, although Barts didn't seem convinced.
So we can truthfully claim this week to have won convincingly 33-16. We had to let them score sometime, the only question that remains is did we finally encounter the infamous "netball bird" or was she a figment of Lucy's imagination...........?
sBeaversports
TheBeaver
Issue 516 - February 21 st 2000 27
RUMSING SCARED
FOOTBALL
RUMS3rd
LSE4th
Wogan and the boys - going from strength to strength
The Running Man reports... A leisurely Sunday visit to Turkey Street bore fruit once again as the fourths picked up another three points for their inevitable push towards promotion. Organisation may not be the strong point of Weasel Stoate's captaincy, but winning football matches clearly is as the lads strengthened their grip on second place, challenging Kings for the title. The victory was aided in no small part to the performances of temporary loan signings 'The Gob' Mandrekar and Chief Fella O'Shea, who were drafted in for Wells, (at home knitting his cardigan), and Karly, who was electrocuted in a freak mobile phone incident. Not realising that you have to talk into a mobile to communicate, 'Nokia' Leung was caught hotwiring his phone into his brain, with the obvious consequences.
The signing of Captain Caveman O'Shea was particularly important as it allowed the tireless Epstein to take a well-earned rest in the centre circle in an attempt to perfect his chain smoking technique. From the off, it was clear that the Weasel Army had the upper hand. Dominance in the middle of the park formed the basis for impressive wing play from Ross, (drafted in for wing' genius Rabs), and again, the ever
reliable Alfie. The TWAT front pairing of Wogan and Chatterton once again displayed good movement and pace up front, and the back was marshalled well by 'Granny-shagger' Stoate, 'Wank-Tank' Paxton, missile Milko and 'The Gob'. However, clear-cut chances were few and far between despite the pressure, and the only clear opportunity presented itself to 'Woman's Own' Wogan, which produced a good stop from the RUMS keeper. The turning point in the game came late in the first half. A RUMS corner flung into the box found an unmarked striker whose shot forced Antii into a superb reflex save. Despite declaring undying love for his goaline, Antii still finds the time to be an excellent shot-stopper.
The lad responsible for the slack marking shall not be named, but it is safe to say that his head was buried in the problem page of the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. As a result of Antii's save, both sides finished the half goal-less. However, it was the fourths who started the second half fired up, and took the lead from a nonchalant Alfie strike.
'Put clean through, the Spaniard had time to smoke a cigar and finish off his brandy before delicately curling the ball past the keeper into the top corner from the edge of the box. Then
Wogan got the first of his brace of goals with a cool finish to give the lads a clear two-goal advantage. Tommy C, slightly deflated that Turkey Street was a football ground and not an opportunity for some S&M on farmyard animals, took the ball around the keeper for number three and now it was just a matter of whether Wogan could get his hat-trick. He claimed a second from an Epstein throughball and then proceeded to waste two gilt-edged chances for the vital third - proving that his avid following of female publications may give him some much needed advice on wrapping little bottles of vodka, but it does bugger all to teach you about finding the onion bag. O'Shea was practically clean through for the fifth but was halted by the referee's final whistle, prompting the irate Fella to exclaim 'I bet ya a loaf 'a Hovis I would have scored'. Yeah right. There's more chance of a third team match report without the phrase 'Pete Tong', or an overrated 'Hightower' centrehalf scoring a calamitous own goal than a Neanderthal netting for the fourths. The next instalment for the Weasel Army will be Loughborough in BUSA, who should prove to be slightly tougher opposition.
Epstein goesN spastic at th^ possibility of'the cipbr' reading it's ^ cruel revenge.
The TWAT front pairing of Wogan and Chatterton once again displayed good movement and pace up front, and the bacl< was marshalled well by 'Granny-shagger'Stoate, 'Wank-Tank' Paxton, missile Milko and 'The Gob'.

BLOOD SPORT
Continued from Back Page
At the end of the match, despite haying scored four more, there had been so many misses that a frustrated Shri decided to slot one into our goal just to get his name on the score sheet (his second own-goal of the season - doh!).
An easy victory in the end despite the fact we could have had rnany more, but our egos had been restored: a little more is required, we feel, for the ball impression to be taken out of Sharkie's nose.
Beaver

PRETTY BOY LOOKS"
GIVE MINERS A SHAFTING
MEN'S HOCKEY LSE 1st RSM 1st
The Beast and Milstead swap blood for ink
After a two week sabbatical, which was spent drinking ourselves silly and snrioking more than JCYC on holiday in Amsterdam, we returned to the hallowed artificial turf of Battersea to do battle against the incompetent midgets of the RSM (you've got to be small to get through some mineholes - just ask Euroboy).
Despite the questionable fitness of the team, pre-match confidence levels were high, Psycho had spent two hours on the phone to his girlfriend the night before being told he was the greatest	(apparently
Loughborough doesn't offer anything in the same class - oh dear!). Rob was recovering from a night out at Le Scandale with his new lady friend. The Beast had finally pulled and Milsted was
looking forward to meeting Rolf's sister later that evening. A chance for him to act suave and sophisticated in front of a girl who didn't know any better and who...if her brother is anything to go by, would be too pissed to care by 9pm at the very latest.
~At half time, we , were comfortably 3-0 up and cruising, the only point of note is that we should have had ten. Scoring in an empty goal proved to be too difficult for the forwards who seemed content to spend the afternoon aiming shots at corner flags, passing cars and birds flying overhead. Jason won the award for the most impressive miss of the day, hitting the cross bar from five yards as the keeper lay sprawled yards away at the edge of the D.
We went into the second half with guns blazing. About ten minutes into the second half,
Sharkie probably wished he'd stayed tucked up in bed with his young lady F-FF-riend. A sweep shot from Loosey went flying through the air and Sharkie for a second forgot what sport he was playing and attempted to head it past the keeper. There was an interesting ball-nose collision which ended with Sharkie looking like he'd just done ten rounds with Iron Mike.... Blood everywhere and a nose more twisted than Euroboy's fantasies. Rob came to the rescue and Sharkie was whisked to A&E to be met by teary-eyed Anna who'd rushed from her baking with credit card in hand ready to pay for plastic surgery to restore Sharkie's good looks (so sweet).
Continued page 31

........
Sharkie before U alliwent awry