^he -v. . .. . , THE NEWSPAPER OF THE LONDON SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS STUDENTS' UNION Issue 407 ___31 October 1994_^ "I seriously believe that had I been on my own they would have killed me.' Racist attacks on students continue Dan Madden Last Monday evening two over seas LSE students became the latest victims of a racially motivated attack. The two Silver Walk residents were attacked as they were getting on a bus for an evening out in central London. On entering the bus a group of four youths started hurling racial abuse. The gang followed the pair onto the bus and seriously assaulted one of the students. Throughout the attack the bus driver did nothing to assist the pair. The assaulted student suffered several blows to the face and a suspected fracture to his cheek bone. The severity of the attack has left the student badly shaken and fearful for his life. He told The Beaver: "I seriously believe that had I been on my own they would have killed me." This is the second racial attack over the past week and has caused the Student Union Equal Opportunities and Welfare officer, Vini Ghatate serious concern. He has been in contact with the Anti-Racist Alliance and is organising a series of speeches in Halls of Residence. Ghatate feels that some responsibility must be taken by the School for the safety of students in Halls. Possible solutions for student safety include a walk-back scheme and a chartered bus which would run from the halls to the nearest tube station. Southwark Police Race Relations officer, PC Watts, commented that the area is a "bad place" for racial harassment and violence. He and his officers are organising a tour of the halls to . give lectures to students on safety in London. Watts was "very sorry" that such an incident should have occurred to LSE students and hoped that the organised lectures will be "a good and productive event to arise from this unfortunate matter." Mike Reardon, Silver Walk resident advisor, warned students to travel in groups "whenever possible" and was "very disturbed" that the attacks had taken place. The Students' Union has contacted the Member of Parliament for the area, Simon Hughes, voicing its concern for the safety of students living in the Southwark constituency. The LSE Director, Dr John Ashworth, informed The Beaver that it is "an inevitable fact that students new to London do take some time to become streetwise." Ruling out the suggestion of a minibus service for students because of lack of School funds, Ashworth agreed that student safety was a priority, but said: "you cannot give an absolute guarantee on safety." fl s Surrey Quays, the area close to Silver Walk which is recognised as a racial troublespot. Photo: Mark Baltovic Rosebery race attack victim speaks about his ordeal - page 2 Latest election results - page 5 2 - News 31 ¦ - 3^!^ T#te ^eaver^ October 1994 Eye to Eye with Hislop 1 - Ian Hislop shamelessly promoting his magazine at LSE last Tuesday Photo: Hania Midura Nicola Hobday Ian Hislop, editor of Private Eye and self-con fessed "bad-humoured romantic", spoke last Tuesday to the Bachannalian Society. Arriving slightly late Hislop apologised, claiming he had been reading the gossip on Angus Deayton in the Sun. Hislop's second apology came when he admitted that he had not prepared a speech on the press and privacy at all, prefering a simple question and answer session. This turned out to be a successful idea, as the packed room was quite forthcoming with lively questions. Thankfully there were none of the embarassing silences that usually follow a request for questions. Mr Hislop touched on many of the popular scandals in the press at the moment, particularly those involving the Royal Family. Hislop's opinion is that Charles had "blown it" with the publication of Dimbleby's biography, and that: "it looks like Prince William will become the next king." Princess Diana received even less favourable treatment; when asked about the possibility of her moving to the US, the Private Eye editor claimed he'd rather she did, as then he would not have to read about her any more. Hislop divulged his technique for deciding which stories to print in the Eye. If everyone knows the story, it is probably not true; if he has just enough material to substantiate a story, then he puts it in. The rumour regarding Michael Portillo and Peter Lilley is therefore, as far as Ian Hislop is concerned, "bollocks" (unless anyone has any evidence to the contrary in which case he would be very happy to here from them.) Hislop is the first to admit that he often makes mistakes - the last one being the assumption: "Mrs Sutcliffe will never go to coiut", before being slapped with a law suit costing hundreds of thouands of pounds. One of the most entertaining questions posed was by Hislop himself. After being thanked by Chairman Martin Sprott, he turned to him, and to loud applause, demanded to know why, as a student, Sprott was wearing a suit. Student booked at Economist in tlieft incident Beaver Staff Thefts from The Economist Bookshop in Clare Market have risen sharply this term. There have been several incidents this term in which shop lifters have been apprehended. Last week an LSE student was caught as he left the store with two books that had not been paid for. The man was taken to Southampton Row Police Station where he was held for four hours before being released having received a caution. Johnathan Peters, The Economist's manager, insisted there would be no let off for those caught offending. "We will always call the police in such situation, whether those involved are LSE students or not. People are risking throwing everything away for nothing." The increase in crime has also been noted by the Students' Union shop. Racial attacic victim spealcs out Beaver Staff The student involved in last week's racist attack outside Rosebery Hall has spoken out about the incident. The first year, who had only been in this country for three weeks prior to his assault, described how he was now "scared to go out. I'm always looking over my shoulder and try to be back in my room by five in the evening. "On other occasions people have thrown potatoes up at my window from the street." But he added: "Despite the incident, I want to say that I still like the LSE. "To any student who faces a similar situation in the future -which I hope won't happen - I advise them to come to the Students' Union Officers. They have been of great help to me, especially Vini Ghatate." He explained that by speaking to The Beaver, he hoped to get the i ssue pulicised and sweep away any complaceny that may exist either amongst the student body or the School authorities. In Thursday's UGM an emergency motion was passed on the security at School halls. The meeting mandated the Sabbatical officers to pressurise the School into the creation of a student security working party. The Sabbatical Welfare Officer has also been mandated to liase with Halls committees with a view-to the setting up of a minibus service. Benn bares it all Teresa Delaney A large crowd assembled to hear Tony Benn deliver a speech last week. Benn is infamous for his backbench oratory and diaries, as well as being Labour MP for Chesterfield. He began by asserting that democracy is increasingly a "spectator sport", where media concentration on personal image and the continuing convergence of party ideology is leading to public alienation from the political process. Benn argued unemployment is essential to the present government to "keep people under control." He compared contemporary society to the 19th century, in which unrepresentative bodies claimed authority. He went on to discuss some of the vocabulary introduced by Conservative governments which he found unacceptable. In par- ticular he took issue with the usage of "customer." His argument was that to be a customer, a person must be able to buy something, and therefore have money, which he felt depersonalizes the poor. The main point throughout his speech was that all political reform, from the suffragettes to the abolition of apartheid in South Africa, was not granted but fought for. He stated his annoyance at the "excuses" used to promote apathy, such as claiming that there is no working class in existence any more. Benn asserted the working class has simply evolved. Benn questioned why state control of industry, which he claimed was "accepted and worked well during wartime," was not accepted during peacetime. He ended his speech by ques- tioning the mass acceptance of the current state of affairs, as the Labour movement had begun to struggle for change. He stated that his intention in speaking was not in order to court admiration but to inspire his listeners to do something. Finally Benn answered questions from the floor. Asked about constitutional reform in the future, he felt it depended on voters but would like to see a Charter of Rights. He also felt full employment was achievable as there was "useful work to be done." He was not in favour of Proportional Representation as it led to government through "smoke-filled rooms." Interestingly, he said the Labour Party has not changed much through the years, as there has always been a strong left-wing movement but leadership from the right. Labour MP and ardent socialist Tony Benn, speaking last week. Photo: Anastasia Shorter ^he Reaver 31 October 1994 News - 3, Beaver polls Amnesty Laure Beaufils ^'OH, DON'T WORRY! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF HERE. WE LIVE IN A CIVILIZED COUNTRY." Fiona Maharg- Bravo 71% of students reported feeling reasonably safe at the LSE campus, according to a survey conducted during the second week of the term in which 87 students participated. The purpose of the survey was to get a sense of student views on personal safety and suggestions for improving the level of security on campus. Despite the high number of students who felt secure, some felt that it was important to be aware of the existence of potential problems on campus. "While we want everyone to feel secure, we must encourage awareness of potential threat, particularly from theft," Harry Edwards, Facilities Manager for Sites and Development, said. Due to its location in central London, LSE is subject to problems particular to large urban cities. Yet some students, especially those from abroad who are accustomed to more dangerous neighbourhoods, feel secure at LSE despite the urban surroundings. Daniel Ginsberg, a General Course student, said: "I feel very safe here. Coming from a large city in the US with a good amount of crime, London feels much more safe." During the day porters have the main responsibility for security although access to the buildings are currently not monitored. "I suppose anyone could walk in and cause trouble, but it hasn't happened," John Coan, a first year, said. Students were also asked in the survey if they though ID cards should be worn or carried on campus, a strategy considered by other colleges and actually implemented by some. 74% responded negatively to the suggestion. Another possibility entailed using swiping cards to gain access to buildings, but 54% of the students were against this, and only 36% thought it would be a good idea. According to Edwards, if the LSE was to pursue this, a lengthy consultation process would be needed to assess the majority opinion on campus and the feasibility of such measures. "One of the problems we have is to balance security and imposing restrictions," he said. Edwards mentioned that the School was taking measures to improve security, including reorganizing the porters and expanding the existing closed circuit camera system. A Students' Union spokesman said: "In addition, we need a high security lighting system, espe- cially in the back around the St. Philips' building and the Library, which is very poorly lit at night." Catherine Bevan, a Masters student, feels that although she feels reasonably safe, "just the presence of any security person in uniform would be nice. I haven't noticed any around." LSE does have night security staff working. The Amnesty Interna tional sixth national youth conference was recently held at ULU. Dubbed "a conference of personal testimonies" by the organisers, people from all over the world came to give their accounts of the state of human rights in their countries. The all day conference was split into two parts: first a series of speeches and then workshops discussing themes including racism in Europe and political killings and disappearances. The most gripping speech came from a Uruguan prisoner of conscience, who had been arrested and detained in atrocious conditions because her trade unionist husband had fled to Argentina. The woman described some of the tortures she had to endure - including having all her teeth pulled out, after failing to answer questions - and how after several months she began receiving messages of support from strangers across the world until the authorities freed her, because of the pressure organised by Amnesty. Brian Phillips, from Amnesty International, spoke about the coming Beijing Conference on Women. He suggested this was not a suitable location given China's appalling record of human rights violations. Also discussed was the concept of gender specific human rights violations, such as the systematic use of rape as a military strategy. The situation of human righs in the UK was considered. This country ranks high up the list in terms of the number of asylum seekers in detention here. A1971 Immigration Act allows these people to be detained without charge or trial. Amnesty refers to them as prisoners without a voice. Amnesty is often criticised for being a white, middle class. Western organisation. Governments, such as the one in place in Indonesia, argue that the notion of human rights is a Western one, and hence Westerners must accept "cultural relativism". Those individuals present on Saturday were there to argue the opposite is true. Amnesty LSE holds a letter writing stall in the Quad every Thursday, and a weekly meeting on Wednesdays at 12 pm in A142. World Banks on LSE book ^ j \ Dr Nick Barr of the Economics department, who has co-authored a book about Eastern Europe. Helena Mcleod The fall of the Berlin Wall signalled a colossal change in the political makeup of Central and Eastern Europe, and a collapse in their economies. In the transition to a western style, mixed market economy, millions of people have found themselves jobless. Yet, with unemployment technically non-existent under communism there were no systems of benefit or relief. It was with this background in mind that Nick Barr, a member of the LSE Economics department, brought together a team of authors. After an intensive fortnight in Brighton the first draft of their book entitled "Labor Markets and Social Policy in Central and Eastern Europe: the transition and beyond" was complete. Written to provide practical information on reforms within the fields of labor markets, income transitions, education and healthcare, it is aimed specifically at policy makers in Central and Eastern Europe. The 15 authors - made up of both LSE and World Bank staff-come from widely differing backgrounds. From the LSE Nick Barr was helped by Iain Crawford from the Press and Information office; Stanislaw Gomulka and Richard Jackman both from the Economics Department; Alexander Preker with a PhD in Social Policy from the LSE; Saul Estrin an LSE lecturer since moved to the London Business School; and Michael Rutkow from the Centre of Economic Performance at the time. The book was launched in Prague between 19-21 October, an occasion which Barr calls "absolutely magic." Not only because it was attended by Vaclav Havel, the Czech president, who also significantly wrote the foreword, but also present were parliamentarians to whom the book was aimed. The conference organised by the Council of Europe was not a typical champagne and hot air affair. One Eastern European parliamentarian said to a colleague of Barr they were finding the conference exhausting because there was so much substance. PhotorStephen Hau. Barr concludes that although the book is published, "it now needs a major dissemination effort." This involves a summary of the book published in 6 different languages to be sent to top university faculties in the areas concerned. When asked what the book could achieve Barr replied: "The hope is that with the quality of the authors and the quality of early information.. .that it will be important. "But important means making a difference to the lives of hundreds of millions of people who are going through an awful time." The book is published by Oxford and on sale in the Economists' Bookshop. 4 - News TIte l^eaver 31 October 1994 Union ^ack Sometimes Jack finds herself sitting alone and pondering life's rich tapestry. What is it, Jack wonders, that makes the perfect Union General Meeting? Over the last few weeks as Jack has been compiling her regular despatches to the world she knows MUST exist outside of the UGM, there have been many ingredients that would have to be included in the Danny Baker compilation video of'101 Great Garan's and UGM's' that is bound to follow last week's televisual extravaganza. This week, however, is what Jack considers to be the finest UGM so far. We got off to a flying start, with Martin Lewis moving a vote of no confidence in the Vice-Chair, Garan Goodman. Not, as we may expect, for Garan's lack of foresight in choosing such an appalling hairstyle, but because Mr Goodman was unfortunate enough to have lost the minutes of last week amidst the great Cyprus motion paper chase. Garan angrily spat back, he was only doing the job because Mr Lewis had asked him to, and (the ultimate primary school teacher threat coming up here) "if you can do any better, then do the job yourself." In the event, Garan obviously came to the conclusion that perhaps Martin would not be so bad, because he left so Mr Lewis could take over. After the opening of personal rivalries, came the 'serious bit' which the UGM needs on occasions. This arrived wdth a fine motion from Vini Ghatate after recent racially motivated attacks on LSE students outside Halls of Residence. Jack can only offer her fall support to Vini, but wishes that Martin Lewis did not feel he had to speak on absolutely everything, especially when the subject is vdthin the remit of another sabbatical who is perfectly capable of doing it himself. The perfect UGM needs some good politicking and eccentric chairing. James Atkinson, the current UGM chair, has obviously been watching (repeat watching, not doing) too much sport, and fancies himself as the next John Motson. Declaring it to be "a bumper week for sabbatical reports, Brian" , and calling the motion of censure against "Birmingham" Mahal "the main event, Trevor" (it is perhaps this preoccupation which explains his ending the meeting at bang on 45 minutes, "no injury time here, Ron" The censure motion itself was something of an anti-climax, as Jack for one would have preferred to see some fireworks. Then again, perhaps that is more appropriate for next week because Editor Ron Voce "needs to spend more time with the Collective" after Baljit offered a type of apology that one comes to expect fi-om the driver of a licensed public hire vehicle; "I'm sorry that I took you fi"om Aldwych to Butler's Wharf via Birmingham, but somebody has put my A-Z inside the newspaper, it's not my fault. I blame the government." 'Twas at this point that the next vital part of there UGM came in, the vitally important farce. Garan decided to leave, to allow somebody with a better hair cut to take over as Vice-Chair. Imagine Jack's alarm, then, when only Nick Kirby put himself forward. James Atkinson had the sense to re-open nominations only for all the candidates to be ineligible to speak promoting themselves. In the end the irrepressible Martin Lewis sat in the chair next to Atkinson, a step closer to the glorious dictatorship Lewis so obviously craves. There was just time for the final ingredient, a motion. A financial motion concerned with the Criminal Justice Bill, illegality, Baljit Mahal, leaflets, posters and money. Jack could not really keep up with it, and to be quite frank, does not care. The only point worth noting was that Baljit lied to the UGM. Baljit's behaviour did seem to be rather strange. It must be all the rumoured nights in a four door saloon car on your own....... Can Labour win? Respected MP talks of Labour's "background of failure" Tony Blair, leader of the Labour Party. His colleague Radice envisages a tough election contest ahead. Viv Mackay Giles Radice, MP, admitted to LSE students last week that the Labour Party had a background of failure. He did not view the next election as in the bag for Labour. An enthusiastic supporter of Tony Blair, Radice refuted the national press view of the Labour leader as Tony "Blur." He emphasized Blair's willingness to confront core Labour ideology on trade unions and Clause 4 - which he thought outdated. Also on the agenda for Radice is a need for Labour to appeal to the "haves" in society, as well as the "have-nots". Keen to find out the views of the "haves", Radice participated with the Fabian Society in an in-depth attitude survey to discover the views of floating voters in Tory-held marginal constituencies in the South of England. The results were depressing. They revealed distrust of Labour among these voters, a belief that Labour is controlled by unions, and a feeling that Labour will tax them too harshly. It is also clear how internal Party rows reduce the standing of the Party in the eyes of voters. Radice drew a distinc- Photo: Scott Wayne tion between rows and disagreements. In response to questions, Radice was clearly committed to Europe, and viewed the Labour Party as the party of Europe. He went so far as to suggest that there might be a case for consulting the electorate about more integration with Europe. On funding higher education he thought that the Australian system of repaying student grants through taxation was worthy of consideration. He put his pennyworth into the sleaze debate by suggesting a Royal Commission. He spelled out Labour policy on an electoral pact - no consideration before a general election. Students' Union; Opting in or out? Sarita Khajuria The ongoing battle between the Gov ernment and unions has culminated in the eradication of the 'last closed shop in the country' - that of the Student's Union. Having made a variety of attempts to 're-organize' Students' Unions, (ideas having included voluntary membership and core/non-core divisions), the Government finally passed the 1994 Education Act which deals in part with the issue. Among its other requirements, the Act includes an 'opt-out' clause. This gives the legal ability for any student to choose not to be a member of his or her union without being 'unfairly disadvantaged'. What this means in practice is ambiguous. Consequently, University of London colleges have chosen to interpret it in different ways. The LSE has perhaps taken the most hard-line approach of all the colleges. Martin Lewis, General Secretary of the LSE SU, has made it such that should a student decide to opt out of the Union, they will be opting out of their right to use all Students' Union services, including their right to vote, be represented, or hold any position of responsibility in the Union or on School committees. It also means they will no longer be eligible to use the Athletic's Union facilities but will be charged a pay-as-you-go fee to be decided by the Union. The right to play for an LSE team, or to become a member of any AU or School society would also be lost. Entry to the Three Tuns would be as a guest. The most controversial decision was over Welfare and Housing. A vote held in an executive meeting favoured (7-3) a motion that students who opt out could not expect to reap the benefits of the service and should consequently be banned. But because the School would have to provide an alternative service to prevent students being in a disadvantaged position, a compromise was reached whereby 'opt outs' would be able to use the services if their situation was sufficiently desperate. Martin Lewis has been criticised for over politicising what is essentially a non issue. Kings College has had an opt out clause in their constitution for the last five years, yet no one has ever chosen to use this right. In both Kings and UCL, opting out simply means students loose their voting and representative rights; all other union services would still be available. Lewis defends his position, saying the Union is not simply the Thursday afternoon political forum, it extends to all the services it provides. Consequently, by opting out, you are challenging the Students' Union decision making le^timacy as a whole, and are rejecting it as an entity. The proposals are in a provisional stage as yet, and once implemented there will be a complaints committee to deal with any problems. Dr John Ashworth, Director of the L.S.E, when commenting on his views on the situation stated that at present he considered it to be a largely theoretical issue, and that they would address the situation because "if pigs fly, they need wings." Biacic Panther Thomas Warde Lorenzo Komboa Ervin, 47, a former Black Panther gave a talk on his part in the American civil rights movement, at LSE recently. Ervin spent 15 years in prisons in the deep south of America before an international campaign won his release. In 1970 he hijacked a US internal flight after the FBI put a shoot to kill order on his head. He ordered the pilot to fly to Cuba where he applied for political asylum. From there he was sent on to eastern Europe before being recaptured by CIA agents. Ervin claims he was tortured before being returned to the US for trial. While in prison he stabbed two guards. He told students: "The Government doesn't want you to believe that you can change the world. American students in the 1960s decided that racism was the greatest evil in the world and they fought it accordingly." And he urged British students to fight the Criminal Justice Bill. He said: "You must protest now before protesting becomes illegal." He is now an anarchist back in the US. If you're seeing an iViP, piione tiie news desic now on; (071) 955 6705. Tlic l^eaver 31 October 1994 5 ^ I?!:- Unlock the secret of successful graduate careers. This is the key to the Trading Floor at Swiss Bank House. At Swiss Bank Corporation one of the keys to our success in the financial markets is our investment in exceptional graduates. If you are interested in a career in investment banking, please come to our Autumn Presentation. Autumn Presentation 6pm, Monday 31st October 1994 The Brewery, Chiswell Street, London. Swiss Bank Corporation The key Swiss bank 6 - Politics TIte l^eaver 31 October 1994 Our man in Copenhagen Frank Rogers Owen comes home.... wwm Co IIUI • I All • ^ J, ^ ^ I ^ Martin Lewis Generai Secretary Two racially orientated attacks on LSE students occurred this week. At the Student Support and Liaison committee on Wednesday night, we approached the School about setting up a working party covering all aspects of Security issues, they accepted and as the enabling motion passed through the UGM unanimously, I will be entering into discussions about it membership and remit. However do please remember, there is no need to be scaredl just streetwise Senete House I will be meeting with students interested in reassessing the criteria for access to the University of London library on Friday 28th. OCT. at 1pm. If you want to get involved but cannot make this first meeting, then do not hesitate to call me, and you can come along to further onesO Hizbt Thrir An Islamic extremist organisation have been distributing leaflets and putting posters up at LSE. This is an organisation with some members that have published .statements contravene the Students' Unions Constitution on Racism, anti-semitism, sexism and homophobia. I have received complaints from students about intimidation. They are in no way part of the Students/ Union or the School and they are not LSE students. If you encounter this group or want further information, then please come and see me, or contact the LSE Jewish or Islamic Societies or the Chaplaincy. . If you have any problems, uestions, suggestions, or you want to know how to get involved, then do not hesitate to come and see me, my office number is E205, my phone number is 071 955 7147 (internal 7147.) Thankyou and have a good week. ELECTION STOP PRESS Honorary President Mick Jagger Honorarv Vice-President John Smith Postgraduate and Mature Students Officer Chris Parry Court of Governors Omer Soomio Raj Jethwa Claire Lawrie Cris Parry Ron Voce uluguc Martin Lewis Teresa Delaney Thomas Grey Pamela Keenan Ola Budzinska James Atkinson Results as off 11.00 pm on Thursday 27 October Full list next week. Frank has been back in England on his holidays. Denmark has become a foreign country" and I feel once more locked into the minds of a political revolutionary. Before I boarded the North Sea ferry bound for Newcastle I thought that I had changed. I thought that I had become like "the Dane". I thought that I had purged my perturbed spirit of the small mindedness and conspiratorial villainy of the English. After his own short trip to England Hamlet returned to Denmark commenting that all the English were mad. Hamlet was the Most Royal Prince of Denmark that never was. Frank will, I fear become the "European" that never was. The taint of life in Westminster cannot be removed with a few short week in the company of Hans Christian Anderson. The little Mermaid, Anderson's creation and a tragic figure in Denmark even before Hollywood, would be regarded in the Tea Rooms of Westminster as at most pitiable and at least as an argument for the abolition of the monarchy. Standing on the deck of the ferry as it inched up the Tyne in to Newcastle I knew In 1996 the next elections in Puerto Rico could set a new path for its statusoriented politics For the first time, in about four decades, a candidate for governor challenges the nature of the party system in Puerto Rico. For a long time Puerto Rican political parties have defined themselves according to political status. When we say political status we refer to the form of government, such as, a republic, a state of the United States of America, or a Commonwealth. At this point in time there are three political parties in Puerto Rico. The Popular Democratic Party (PDP), that supports the Commonwealth status, the Puerto Rican Independence Party (PIP) who support independence, and the New Progressive Party (NPP) which supports statehood. This tripartite system has failed to address current issues correctly. It has deviated policy discussion from long-term solutions to short term ones. Mainly, since politically, the short term policies are easier to implement. Some policies are particularly harsh on the economy since each status formula supports different ways of running the economy. For example, the NPP believes that tourism is the that I was doing more than returning to right a wrong and restore my "home" to his rightful state. In my small way I knew that back in England I would have to start to heal the injuries of this nation of ours inflated on us by those who have made politics into a game played by cheats. Where better to start my task than Newcastle, the home of Earl Grey, a man better known for his tea, but important or our purpose as the Father of the Parliamentary Great Reform Act. In 1832 Earl Grey and the Whigs put through legislation allowing middle class householders to vote for their Member of Parliament for the first time. The certainty with which the land owning aristocracy controlled Parliament was questioned and the burgeoning middle- classes were given rightful political representation. Increasing democracy seemedachiev-able and inevitable. Today, I insist, there is a need for more political reformers and a need that they succeed. Frank has discovered an example of political corruption in his home council. North Tyneside, which compares with the worst in Westminster. It may seem unim- industry with the most potential in Puerto Rico. On the other hand, the PIP and the PDP, support industries that would reduce the import dependency of Puerto Rico, such as manufacture and agriculture. This constant shift in public policy is now being challenged by the emergence of David Noriega as a the PIP candidate for governor for the 1996 elections. David Noriega has been a senator for the last two elections. He has proven himself as an honest, capable, non-parti-san character who untiringly fights corruption. He has gained a strong multi-partisan constituency that contrasts with the low support for PIP's past governor candidates. If Noriega's constituency remains loyal to him and on top of that his constituency increases. There is no doubt that a brake in the traditional party system in Puerto Rico could occur in 1996. Regardless that in the past twenty years the Puerto Rican Independence Party (PIP) has proven unpopular. (Typically they receive about six percent of the total votes.) There is reason to believe that Noriega's constituency will increase for the 1996 elections. The other possible candidates do not seem to offer new al- portant to be a small-time local councillor taking bribes to arrange licensing deals for pubs and smooth planning permission approvals. However rank believes that it is still very important that the principal as well as the practice of government is not a betrayal, whether the issue is getting an alcohol license for the new French brassiere- or securing a multi million pound arms deal. In North Tyneside members of the ruling political groups are sharing out jobs and favours among themselves. People who profess to haye entered politics to help the disadvantaged and build a society based on compassion, full of hope for the future, have lined their own pockets living up to the creed of naked self seeking that they claim to oppose. T. Dan Smith, an ex leader of Newcastle City Council said that it took only four people trusting each other, and working selflessly for each other, to seize control of the Council. He said with ten such people one could run the world. Of course he was joking in the latter case. No group of ten human beings would ever work together selflessly with a common goal. The thought still sends a chill through my spine as I wonder just how dedicated are the half dozen or so activists currently in positions of influence, enjoying the privileges of power, and prepared it seems to do whatever necessary to maintain a grip on the whole of the Metropolitan administration. Watch this space. To protect the confidentiality of sources and in the light of the vulnrability of the Beaver Politics Page to the libel lawyers I have been unable to say anything more specific than the above about the situation in North Tyneside. I hope to bring you the full story as it unravels, and as it becomes legally possible to print it. I can at least observe that the impossibility of a change in the ruling part has in North Tyneside produced a remarkably similar result to what we see in Westminster. "Absolute Power" it seems corrupts on both sides of the political spectrum. ternatives as Noriega does. Mr. Noriega has stated in his platform for the 1996 elections, that he is only looking for four years as governor. He has stated that he wants to emphasize the development of better agricultural techniques so that Puerto Rico can compete in the world market and reduce its eighty percent dependency in imports. Also, he has a different attitude towards fighting crime. He argues that the crime problem in Puerto Rico is based on the inequalities inherent in Puerto Rico's economic and social structure. He suggests that Rosello's policies to attack crime is limited. Instead, he proposes that through offering more opportunities for social mobility to the lower strata crime can be more efficiently reduced. These innovative solutions combined with the popularity that David Noriega has had as a senator could increase the typical six percent of the votes that the PIP candidates usually get. If this happens, the status oriented politics will be at stake. Hence, a vision of political parties which focus on social issues rather than on political status could soon emerge and transform Puerto Rican politics. Puerto Rico <96 David Noriega's candidacy brings a new vision for Puerto Rican politics, writes Antonio Sosa-Pascuai ? Strat^c Management Consultants Marakon Associates assist top management of major corporations around the world with their most pressing strategic and organisational issues. We are expanding rapidly and are looking for a number of high-calibre individuals to join our team. Vacancies exist at a variety of levels. Recruitment Presentation Tuesday 8th November 1994 7.00pm The Hampshire Hotel, Leicester Square Sign up list - Careers Service - Room E388 For more information contact: Peter Weston, Recruitment Coordinator, Marakon Associates 1 - 3 Strand, London, WC2N 5HP Telephone: 071 321 3604 Facsimilie: 071 930 9716 Marakon Associates 8 - Interview ^ciie l^eaver 31 October 1994 Talking over Currie Edtvina Currie took a Master's degree at LS.E. before hecoming a lecturer in the social sciences. She became a Member of Parliament in 1983 and stood unsuccessjully for the European Parliament this year. Mrs Currie sponsored last February's amendment to the Criminal Justice Bill challenging the inequalities in Britain's age of consent laws and is the autijor of a best-selling novel, soon to be turned into a TV series. What is your most vivid memory of the L.S.E. ? Dirt. I was there in 1971/2 when Houghton Street was still a through road and lorries would regularly park right outside pumping away while deliveries were done. The library was awful. We hear much about education being a privilege and not a right -what do you think ? Education is a great opportunity and a great privilege. Changes to student finance were essential. If we were going to finance a hell of a lot more students we couldn't go on doing it in the same old way - not in a society where the largest competing demographic group is old people. Our system is now closer to that in a number of Western countries; a mixture of a loan and a scholarship ( a grant ).The loans are very generous and the repayments systems are better than any bank would offer - which is presumably why the banks wouldn't touch them with a barge-pole. i ...you don't need brains to be a MP. Should there be increased funding for universities ? We could always put more money into universities and to some extent established universities like the L.S.E. have suffered as the main thrust in the last 5 years has been to new universities. The conversion of poljrtechnics and Higher Edu- cation colleges like Huddersfield and Derby into universities has led to a huge expansion in student numbers. All the subsequent building work that has been going in has led to a tussle ( for a little while at least ) between somewhere to sleep and somewhere to read. That I think will resolve itself pretty quickly. It would help of course if this had been happening in a boom as a lot of the money would have come from industry. How do you envisage the future of the European Parliament ? I think it's going to attract more power. The European Parliament already has powers Westminster doesn't have, such as co-determination of the budget whereas all we have is the right to walk into the correct lobby! Essentially, the Commons does what the government wants whereas the European parliament is already, in effect an initiator. If it wants something done it is gradually learning how to make sure that it happens. In a few years this will become more explicit. The powers of Westminster have been changed by our membership of the European Union over the last twenty odd years. It has taken a long time for that to sink in, but then you don't need brains to be a MP. Is the crusade against socialism over.' No. It depends what you define as socialism. I was brought up to believe that it meant a policy of government intervention, of government action that would be used to change the workings of the free market. I'm a product of the welfare state, the National Health Service and the state education system -the lot - and I'm very glad we've got all those things. On the other hand, it goes too far. There's a desire to over-regulate and you can't get things done. Europe has higher levels of unemployment than any of our competitors in the U.S.A. and Japan. That is not on the basis of low wages. America's not a low wage society. So socialism goes on? Here at Westminst.er it's different with Tony Blair trying his best to look like a flashier Tory. That's admirable and much to be applauded but it does leave Dennis Skinner at a bit of a loss! Do you foresee a time when there will be an equal age of consent for heterosexuals and homosexuals in Britain ? Oh yes, YES within the next 5 years. We got a huge majority to lower the age to 18 and we would have got 16 if the Labour party had all voted as they were supposed to. A large number of Labour people voted against us, members who would not be in the House today if people had not voted for equality in previous generations. I've no doubt it will come. And it should come in the best possible way when all the fears that have been expressed prove to be unfounded. We don't want to impose social change on Photo: Scott Wayne people. It has been said that your book "Parliamentary Affair" has set literary fiction back 50 years! Can you answer that criticism ? It isn't supposed to be literary fiction. It is popular fiction. There is a distinction and popular fiction is just as difficult to write. Some writers would give their reviews for my sales. By the end of September, we had sold 92 000 copies. If I'd have wanted to write literary fiction I would have disappeared for 3 years and read. As it was I had something to say and I chose the novel to say it. I'm now working on the sequel which has several different themes. You can't keep doing sex and politics but chocolate sauce gets into this one! I went through a lot of cookery books to find something that's gluttonous and nice to lick off - it had to be the sort of thing where people said "I'd like to try that!" Who do you most admire ? Churchill for his English, his vigour and his energy. Macmillan for his foresight. He tried so hard to take Britain into the modern age. He tried to find an answer to built-in inflation and the very rigid trade and labour laws. It took until Margaret Thatcher to put a bomb under all the unions and that was another 20 years later. Margaret I admire for her drive and the way she never forgot her background and the need to keep in touch with public opinion, well.... she did eventually forget it and that's why we got rid of her! Edwina Currie was interviewed at the House of Commons on Monday, 17 October by Pam Keenan. TIte l^eayrer 31 October 1994 Considering a career in an Investment Bank? Goldman Sachs invite you to a Presentation at their European Headquarters on Tuesday, 1 November 1994. For further information and to reserve a place, please call Angela Walker at the University Careers Office on 071-387 8221. Goldman Sachs is an investment banking and securities firm that is uniquely in tune with the abilities and aspirations of its people. High professional standards are reflected in principled everyday practices. The talent of each individual is an integral part of the team effort. Those who choose to accept the challenges set before them grow both personally and professionally. Please join us to learn more about challenging career opportunities in: Investment Banking, Equities, Fixed Income, J. Aron, Asset Management, Operations, Technology and Finance Further information on the application process will be made available at our presentation Beming* Frankfurt Hong Kong London MAdrid* Milan Montreal Moscow* New York Paris Seoul* Singapore Sydney Taipei* Tokyo Toronto Vancouver Zurich * Representative Offices r 10 - Letters Tlie Reaver 31 October 1994 ijeaver ¦ As this is the only chance I've got in this entire twenty four pages to write something, I'm going to start by saying well done to Tiverton Town, who after drawing 4-4 last Saturday went on and beat Farnborough Town 5-1 away to make the first round of the FA Cup for the third time in 4 seasons. Tivvy have been drawn at home to Leyton Orient, and I expect a giant killing. So watch this space.... It's surprising that I've hardly ever seen the Tuns so full as it was lost Saturday, when 700-800 screaming students from Aston, Salford and Bristol Unis amongst others came to the LSE for a Rag conference organised by UNICEF. They partied, had three way drinking competitions and caused no trouble except for one guy who kept asking for the Brand New Heavies. Also on that night was the Chuckle Club, with some of the best comedy in the country in the Underground which attracted around 100 punters of whom 30+ were from LSE. This week Redwood played in the Underground and drew a couple of people. What is the problem with LSE? Are we really this apathetic? When other British institutions Rag events raise tens of thousands of pounds we're lucky if we even get a Rag week. Legitimacy is very important. Elected representatives need to have a legitimacy so as to carry out their role. This week I stood for election and got elected by doing no campaigning and putting up no posters whatsoever. Basically by being here for as long as I have I got elected by name recognition. Is that fair? Also one candidate for Governors passed the quota really easily by marshalling his constituency and getting them to turn up. Is that fair? Of course it is fair and it raises an issue that needs to be addressed by this Union. This Union and its officers should remember that in most cases it is not them they are voting for but something they represent. A personal vote can get you so far but only so far, accountability must still be there and for Union officers that place is the UGM. Maybe it is about time that with all the talk of change, the Beaver should be made accountable through the UGM. I'm fed up of people thinking that the Beaver Editor is unaccountable to no one except the Collective or themselves. The Beaver Editor needs legitimacy too, to make changes and continually improve the paper and create what I have tried to do, a long term stratagy. However time and time again my hands are tied as will be my successors unless change occurs. Soon there will be a chance for you to help make that change and I hope the means of the Beaver's legitimacy, its readers will come out and support the changes that need and must occur fo; the long term benefit of not only the paper, but all current and future students at the LSE. Let's make it so. T.T.F,N Keaver Staff Executive Editor Advertising Editor Arts Editors Campus Editors Features Editor Letters Editor Literary Editor Music Editor News Editors Photographic Editors PoUtics Editor Sports Editors Ron Voce Scott Wayne Susha Lee-Shothaman Dennis Lim Marie Darvill David Whippe Nigel Boyce Rachel Cuthbert Daniel Silverstone Wayne Rogers Michael Goulding Phil Gomm Steve Roy Pam Keenan Tom Randell Chris Cooper Angus Kinnear Staff: JoannaArong,SkippyBamet,MarkBaltovic, Caroline Barnes, Graham Bell, Laura Beufils, Hector Birchwood, Paul Birrell, Annika Bosenquet, T. James Brown, Rob Cheetham, Toby Childs, Adam Cleary, Sarah CMfford, Mark Dantos, Gary Delaney, Teresa Delaney, Nick Fletcher, N. P. Flywheel, Sarah Jane Gibbs, Deborah Goldemburg, Tom Greatrex, Kevin Green, Melissa Hall, Kate Hampton, Valarie Handal, Gerard Harris, Stephen Hau, Richard Hearnden, Kerrie HendersonNicola Hobday, Chris Hutchfield, Helen Jamieson, Dana Johnson, Nick Jones, Soma Kalsi, Sarita Khajuria, Hasan Khalid, Claire Lawrie, Michel Lerner, Martin Lewis, Karen Lie, Viv Mackay, Dan Madden, Stavros Makris, Jessica McCallin, Helena Mcleod, Honia Midura,Adam Morris, Deborah Narjar-Murat, Kaliq Nasir, David Nicholson, Emmanuel Ohajah, Ben Oliver, Sorrel Osboume, Sarah Owen, David Price, Zaf Rashid, Mervyn Rees, Luke Richardson, Iain Roberts, James Shields, Ana Shorter, Matthew Smith, Rita Solanke, Nick Sutton, Tony Thirulinganathan, Philip Tod, Jimmy Trees, Ian Turner, Priyanka Senadhiva Dave Whetham, Ralph Wilde, L. A. Wildethorpe, Ina Woyseth. Negatives by: Printed by: Gargoyle Graphics, Eastway Offset, Hoxton Square, London N1 Hepscott Road, London E9 Who will protect the Children? Dear Beaver, This last UGM was a prime example of how the democratic process can be subverted by radical, extremist elements within the LSE. Do the Greek Cypriots genuinely want to solve the problems in their homeland or do they want to clamour childishly and ineffectually for 'justice', playing out a passionate melodrama before the BBC cameras? They are bringing their problems here and wasting our time with divisive resolutions and publicity stunts, which really do nothing to resolve the issue. Kate Hampton (who is absolutely beautiful in mine eyes, but that's another) was right, that the UGM was not the place for this active sowing of discord amongst LSE students, as was Ron Voce, but nothing can be done when the theatre is swamped with all these twenty year-old babies crying to their former 'imperialist masters' for retribution and raising their admissions cards in utterly stupid solidarity. The more noise is made, the more the public accusations of 'liar' are thrown, the less the chances for a harmonious solution. Every year, the Greek and Turkish communities here in LSE waste their chances for a new dawn of mature discussions, balanced debate and active reconciliation by poisoning another generation with blind peijudices. I say: leave the children alone, give them the patient inattention that they deserve, and let's get on with this Russell Group muck. Yours sincerely, Gabriel Ng P.S. James Atkinson, don't just sit there, be a bastard. Your job as a chairman is to be as unpopular as possible, and that means telling idiots to shut up, windbags to get off, and those gents on the top floor where exactly they should shove their paper up. Delaney slams alarmist article Dear Editor We are writing to protest at the inaccurate and alarmist article about the incident that occurred a week ago last Friday. While everyone is of course appalled that a customer who had just left the Three Tuns was attacked on the corner of Houghton St and the Aldwych, it is silly and unhelpful to suggest that this raises concerns about our security arrangements. Once customers have left the Tuns, no amount of security there is going to prevent them from being attacked. It is also quite untrue to suggest that this was part of "a string of incidents". The fact is that the Three Tuns is remarkably free from trouble, there having been only one incident of any significance this year. The bars manager keeps in regular contact with the local police who are entirely happy with the way the Tuns is conducted. Perhaps the only fortunate thing about this incident is that it did happen quite close to the Tims which meant that staff were able to give the victim first aid and to prevent the situation from escalating any further. Yours sincerely Gary Delaney - Chair, Bar Committee James Fagan - Bar Manager Bad bill Bad laws no justice I Dear Beaver, This is a brief reply to the Home Office Statement by David Maclean, MP, Minister of State at the Home Office, about what the Criminal Justice Bill will mean for young people, which you published last week. I would simply like to deal with one point of principle. The Minister points out that the job of the police 'is to apprehend people who break the law' and that the Bill is not about preventing the law abiding citizen 'to do whatever they like within the law.' But the Minister conveniently overlooks the fact that there are bad, as well as good, laws. Just because something has been enacted into law does not mean that it is right. The main thrust of the Criminal Justice Bill is precisely to narrow the scope of what is within the law, to restrict certain legal activities to such a point that civil liberties will be under threat. It is all very well to claim that the Bill will protect law abiding citizens whilst drastically altering the definition of what is legal! The duty of all law abiding citizens is surely to make sure that the legislature does not enact bad laws and whenever it is tempted to do so, to protest and petition until unjust bills such as the CJB are defeated. Yours sincerely L.A. Wildethorpe Which way ahead now? Dear Beaver, I am, like many others, wholly opposed to the Criminal Justice Bill. However in light of the 'riot' at the march and the near 'riot' outside Parliament last week, I think that it is time to realise that marching and assembling against the bill will only improve it's image in the eyes of the general public and give the political justification for the absurd bill. It is not that showing solidarity and opposition is ineffective, but that the police will sabotage any rally by creating a situation where violence is inevitable. In the demo against the BNP the police did this by trapping the front of the march by closing off all exits including the designated march route. They then waited until the crowd was sufficiently wound up and some small pockets of violence had erupted and then baton charged one front of the crowd which had nowhere to move to. The police give out media announcements before most demo's warning of violence (this has an added bonus of attracting anyone wanting to participate in violence). Their 'policing' methods ensure that one prophesy comes true. What do media pictures of rioting marchers portray to the general public? They simply give illustration to one Tory rhetoric about needing the CJB to protect law abiding citizens against the wrath of unruly squatters, rav- ers and new age travellers. How does the undecided MP vote... for or against the CJB after being confronted outside Parliament by screaming crowds shouting obscenities and spitting at police? I think that students should think twice before deciding to support such demonstrations and mandating Union Exec and sabbaticals to attend as nobody should be forced to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation. We should be looking at better ways of getting our opposition and fears noticed instead of playing into the hands of the police and Government and their stereotypes. Yours sincerely, Sam Chalkley ^he Reaver 3i October 1994 Letters - 11 From Baljit with love Dept IS just fine Dear Beaver, I make this contribution in relation to the increased comments that have been made. The Beaver in my view is one of the best Students' Union newspapers in the country and caters to the specific nature of the LSE, beyond what many would think possible. If I believe anything then it is merely that we should not be satisfied with the present, but strive yet further to improve upon what we have for the future. Those affected by change should be involved at all stages. Any newspaper must be representative of the student body that it has as it's readership. There is greater scope to reflect the needs of overseas and women students at the LSE, to cite two parts of the student body. I have always at the LSE felt that we have an atmosphere where power as it touches individuals all are equal, and we do not give merit to any beyond what they deserve, or criticise unduly where it not in an individuals power to change an outcome. We do not regard the individual that takes no interest in the decisions that affect our lives as unobtrusive, but as useless, and never fail to go out of our way to help the underdog that the powers that be typecast and scapegoat to serve their own ends. We led the country when we elected Winston Silcott to be Honorary President, who was subsequently acquitted by the Appeal Court for the unjust and false case against him. Now, in every democratic forum that is open to us, we should unite around our common agenda. To strive for justice in every part of our lives. Not, to prejudge our peers upon the basis of any prejudice founded on falsehoods, but to strive to have a notion of justice founded on truth. In the remainder of my term of office, this will continue to be my agenda and it is my hope that the Students' Union, it's parts and it's membership share this. We must look to do all we can do to improve for the future.How can our Students' Union be more closely linked to the student body and its need? Perhaps, a more representative Union Council, which draws its membership from MP style 'Representatives' -elected in the specific departments, who are their constituents. They could in some way be tied to the UGM to make this reflect our diverse body of students. How can the Students' Union take greater heed of students academic needs? A start is an Academic Affairs Committee, within the SU, but in the long term qualitative and quantitative representation from Staff-Student Reps, needs to be improved. What can be done to improve the, difficult and draining business of finding private accommodation each year? Again, a start is for the SU to ensure that students are aware of all the avenues that will help them, such as our own SU Housing Office, Senate House, and a number of private agencies, which is properly done by organising open meetings in each Hall and at the LSE to inform students, before the end of each year. In the long term the situation could only be improved through computerising our accommodation lists, and centralising these, so pooling information through a central database at Senate House. I hope I have in some way given an insight into my concerns, which, barring free and open speech might, leave many with the impression that I am not at the LSE to serve the interests of my peers, my fellow students. Let look to a future of progress and not stand still when any momentous opportunity is before us. Yours sincerely, Baljit Mahal. Dear Beaver I wish to respond to the Beaver article of 24.10.94 (computer dept in trouble). I think a few corrections are in order. First, there is a difference between the Department of Information Systems and Information Technology Services. The former is a full academic department that caters primarily to postgraduate students, while the latter is mainly in the business of providing IT services (and some courses) to the School. Second, the IS department, recently achieving independence from the Department of Statistical and Mathematical Sciences, is both highly successful and well managed. Third, in a contest between external and internal candidates for teaching positions (Lectureships), the School generally favours external candidates in order to pre- vent intellectual stagnation. Fourth, the course Global Consequences of Information Technology began in the Lent Term of 1994 and will run again in the Lent Term of 1995. There are no problems concerning the teaching of this course. Fifth, the proposed M.Sc. of the same name, is curlently being reviewed by the appropriate committee. If they consider the program to have merit, the program will be offered from October 1995. Sixth, the Department of Information Systems has absolutely nothing to do with the provision of computers to the School or their recent theft. Stephen Mooney Ph.D. student & class teacher for Clobal Consequences of I.T. Department of Information Systems The Beaver and Beatwax presents a Pulp Fiction" Competition After last week's great Dennis Lim review, most of you have been sucked in by the hype that is the new Quentin Tarantino film "Pulp Fiction". If you went to see it last Monday on the cheap student discounts you better hope you were paying attention as for you eagle eyed film watchers will need to answer a simple question to be entered into a draw to win one of ten fantastic limited edition "Pulp Fiction" long sleeved T-Shirt. Yres The Beaver in association with Beatwax is allowing you to enter this simple competition to have a chance to win this fantastic prize. All you have to do is write down on a postcard, the name of the club in which Uma Thurman and John Travolta's characters go for a meal. It's that simple. Once you have done that send, post, hand in or make sure it gets to the Beaver office (E197) by Friday 5th November, so we can forwarded the correct answers to Beatwax who will conduct the draw. Make sure you put your name and address on the post card, so they can send you, if you win, one of the fantastic limited edition T-Shirts. So what is stopping you, enter this fantastic competion now. " We shoulda had shotguns for this kinda deal." Photo: Buena Vista 12 - Campus ^heReaver 31 October 1994 ^usy Reaver Beer, fags &nags: You know you love it Bonjour mon sausages d'amour. BB is pleased to keep you informed of the smut and sordid happenings in Houghton Street with this weeks mega installation (Wa-hey!). Those of you who have nothing to fear can be smug in the satisfaction that you're boring c**ts, while those of you who deserve a mention can sit back in the knowledge that your lives are more exciting than most*a>>***** One man who has been looking very happy recently is Justin(a fresher) Devil, who certainly has had the devil in him since returning to normal student status. With a snazzy new haircut and a few pints of Theakston, he turns into a true bird magnet, and has allegedly broken a few hearts this term already. Having callously dumped his 'young* fresher friend, he's now attempting to move on to someone nearer his own age. 'Moving on up' is certainly something that Flares Lorry has experienced recently - or is her elevator 'going down?' Whether up or down, she allegedly did both (repeatedly) with a nameless entity in a lift at Carr Saunders. Friday night brought with it a double from Scouse Garden and the Pieman Pooper, whose 'identical' brother caused a stir (in more ways than one). Like Pieman, like brother, he was the cause of several tiffs with Pooper's mates, and went out with a bang (well, almost) when he stole a pie from Pieman's cupboard (a steak and kidney one, allegedly). Pooper certainly had his hands fiill, not only with big brother but also with his peroxide blonde, who began to compete for his attention. Wantingsome-thing more exciting than a fight with Scouse, she decided to hit a car outside Tutu's. As she dyed into the background, it was left to Pooper and Co. to have a slanging match with a mad Turk. Here is a lady to be admired, and Pooper should thank his lucky pies that (for a change) it wasn't him on the end of the slap. Meanwhile, Scouse Garden was trying his usual bum pinching tackles on a dodgy old slapper from Strand Poly, and dodgy she was because they actually worked! As the night drew to a close, she opened up, but Scally was so overcome that he was unable to produce the goods. The romance ended with him fleeing the next morning whilst she was in the kitchen making coffee. BB awaits a rendition of the much admired Hag Trick.... Speaking of threesomes and the like, one 'man' who does seem to know quite a lot in this field is Alexander "Mekon" Egg-face, who has been spending lots of time at home in front of the T.V. With cheap ideo rental prices and discount for under the counter (if you know what 1 mean), the Mekon has been making up for the fact that he has no friends or lovers. Things must be bad because even Paul "leather trousers" Birrell was shocked when he discovered the blue beauty in tyhe Mekon's vidoe recorder....... Well, that's all for this week -hope you had an engoyable installation (I certainly did!). BB is always about, so watch your every move -nothing is hidden from the eye of the Beaver......... DaveWhippe Why is the LSE so full of shit? The answer is quite siinple, really. It's because it's full of shitheads. This is a conclusion that I, and most of the people I know, reached at some point during last year, though it was only recently drummed into me completely at this years Freshers Fair. Sitting at my table representing the Racing Society, I found it quite frustrating being completely ignored for seven hours a day by the assorted rabble who walked past us with upturned noses. This perplexes me, as I don't know how anybody could resist the prospect of joining a society whose posters promoted such slogans as "Make a Wad...then piss it up the wall," or "Nags and dogs - it's just like a Friday night in the Tuns." Of the ninety two people who have so far become members, possibly seventy five percent are friends of the lads organising the society. The other twenty five percent either didn't know what we were talking about, or were just decent blokes. In time I came to realise the mistakes we were making. The problem is that our posters were relying on humour and the piss-up element to attract people who might want to have a good laugh. As I looked over to the table next door, I found the membership of our friends in the European Society was bulging, as was that of the Schapiro's and Young Entrepreneurs opposite us. I sat and watched in disbelief as people signed up in hoards to grab their chance to watch Norman Tebbitt eulogise on a two-tier Europe, or join the ranks of failed stockbrokers who couldn't hack it in the real world. It was then that I realised the mistake in our approach. In retrospect, it would have been wiser to completely change the slogans on our posters to "Join the Racing Society.....it will help you get better marks," or "Join the Racing Society...it's just like an extension of your course." This is because the only thing that most of the students here at LSE care about is passing their exams. In other universities the socially based societies memberships far outstrip those of the serious ones, yet here we have a completely opposite scenario. It leads me to the conclusion that there are quite a lot of sad wankers here. The problem is not just something related to societies, but to the general social life of the LSE as a whole. To verify this point, you go into the Tuns on a lunchtime or weekday night, and it will always be half empty with the same faces on display. It is only on a Friday night when everyone else creeps out of the woodwork to do their best to piss off the regulars. Contrast this with the library, which always seems to be P*king packed. In my opinion, the problem lies with the selection procedures at the LSE, which include a high proportion of post graduate and foreign students. On the whole, postgrads tend to work a lot at the ex- Competition Results The winner of last week's competition for a dinner for two at the Blues Basement was Caroline Barnes. pense of a life, while foreign students gravitate towards their own social groups. The whole idea of having a large proportion of foreigners here is not just to bolster our international reputation, but also to achieve a degree of cultural integration which will probably never be possible at any other stage in our lives. What really is not appropriate now are paltry excuses about people not feeling welcome, because this is just crap. A pissed up Brit is as friendly as anyone else on earth (witness Marie Darvill), and the Tuns is always empty during the week which gives everyone the opportunity to go down there for a lovely pint of Jim Fagan's best, and do a bit of socialis- ing. Believe it or not, your years spent at university are not meant to be entirely devoted to getting a degree. The time spent here is also supposed to offer some sort of education in life, as well as present an element of freedom which will not be possible in the years to come when you'll be saddled with a shit job, a mortgage, a spouse and a couple of brats (if you're really unlucky). The bottom line is that students are supposed to be pissheads. It's what is expected of us. So, get off your arses, get your noses out of your lecturers over-priced books and get down for a few beers. Oh, and while you're at it, mine's a pint of Theakston, please. LSE Top Ten: The Hit List 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Claire Lawrie Love In An Elevator Aerosmith Fat Bottomed Girls Queen Rosebery Girls We've Gotta Get Out Of This Place The Animals D Voce I want you (She's So Heavy) The Beatles Hounds of Love Kate Bush Sex Crime (1984) Eurythmics Pretty Vacant Sex Pistols Andy Coopers Femme Fatale Alicia and James Matthew Miller Kate Hampton 8. When Am I Going To Make AI Living? Sade Neil Andrews/Cory Tallant 9. Why Don't You Kill Yourself? The Only Ones Baljit Mahal 10. Jean Genie James Shields David Bowie) "Hardball" denim "Hang the D.J" by The Smiths comes to mind here.. Photo: M. Darvill /cli€ t^eaver ^31 October 1994 Campus -13 They may be young but they are well experienced Joanne and Jackie First impressions are lasting impressions, and having experienced the sights and sounds of LSE for only one week whilst participating in a work experience scheme, the overall impression is a good one . Facilities we visited include the Wrights Bar, which is compact and provides food and drink at fairly reasonable prices. The only deterrents are the size of the queue and whether you can find anywhere to sit. This is definitely not the place for you if you're claustrophobic. The same problem occurred at The Cafe situated within the East Building, which is otherwise very appealing with it's variety of food for vegetarians. The fast food restaurant in the Old Building seemed a little more organised than The Cafe, but the seating area was still quite small and the pink neon lights were just lurvely. The Quad provides a public area in which various events and sales take place, these range from the selling of posters and perfumes to live performances, this seems a better idea than permanent shops as it adds variety. The refurbished shop contains all the required stationary and many tacky souvenirs for students to buy, as well as a trendy, futuristic, metal spiral staircase to put to use. The Old Theatre, which holds the Union General Meeting is surprisingly not very old and whether it is used as a theatre, is debatable depending on whether you attend the meetings at One on Thursdays. The building overall consists of many narrow corridors and winding stairs that always somehow manage to lead to a toilet! The buildings exterior is not unlike the many surrounding buildings in London, big, dull and concrete, in other words it looks very, very BORING!!!!!!. The only difference in fact is that this building is alive and absolutely seething with students from all over the world that have gathered together to obtain an education. I cannot guarantee that everyone will find a good education here but I can assure you that you will definitely find a toilet! Although the many never ending corridors lined with classrooms can be intimidating, there appear to be phones situated all around the building from which you can contact reception in case you get lost, an ingenious idea maybe, but from personal experience they are not needed for this purpose as everyone and anyone would be willing to point you in the right direction. Being the youngest people in LSE [16 years old ] has been quite intimidating at times and having had no previous experiences of college or university life, there is nothing to compare LSE to, other than a south east London secondary school and LSE wins by a long shot! "We don't need no education!" Joanne and Jackie feel that LSE Thomas Tallis in Ki<¦ Expectations were high. Could this be a sarcastic critique of the "Fifth Directorate", the KGB crackdown that was responsible for the a tough surveillance of intellectuals and dissidents who were then diagnosed with creeping schizophrenia or paranoid reformist delusions?. The answer is: no. The theatre-goer with high expectations soon finds out this is more of a would be tragicomedy about a "bright tramp" who has been destroyed by the Soviet system. God knows why! Actor Tom Courtenay spends c^-o hours telling us self-depreciating jokes about his sad life as a drunk. He tells tales of his eternal pilgrimage from station to station in Moscow, which always end in the same place. "I have never even seen the Kremlin" he claims. He goes on, aided by those he calls "my angels", with hopes of ending up in a station called "Putuski' where he hopes to meet his beloved girlfriend and have a moment of love and peace. After a while, one expects a bit more from his tales. Unfortunately, without any background knowledge of the situation, one has little to cling on to - there is little consistent reference to any aspect of life in Moscow at the time, or to the government at the time. In terms of the philosophical dilemmas a person in the skin of the character of Venedikt Yerofeev would be facing, the light hearted approach, or more precisely, the drunken jokes which took up half of the play, did not add much - neither were they funny, at least not after an hour and a half of it. In the end there is a slight attempt at introducing a sort of "Waiting for Godot" tone to the play, aided by the fact he never reaches "Putuski", and there is a declamatory speech where he tries to express his feelings of desolation and wilderness in a graver tone. The play does not built enough in terms of his feelings to end up like that. Sad waste of an actor's potential. However, if you are the big fan of drunken jokes you might identify with it a bit more. And, if you are interested in a few "lethal recipes" of Russian cocktails...there you go - that's the play for you. The Beaver is offering three pairs of tickets to see ^Moscow Stations' to anyone who can name any of the films Tom Courtenay has appeared in. Answers to the Beaver office by Wednesday, 4th November at 6 pm. C T I Ihe Tenth Man' was origi-X nally written by Graham Greene as a prospective film script, but never developed. The New End Theatre and director Kate Brooke have revived it as a play, with only mixed results. It is set in France during and justafter World War II. A group of prisoners (numbering ten), are told by their Nazi captors that one of them must be executed at dawn tomorrow. After arguing heatedly over the method of selection they finally decide to draw lots for it. Chavel, a rich and propertied lawyer draws the marked piece of paper. Unable to face the thought of death, he offers all his wordly goods to anyone who will take his place. A youngman, Michel, accepts - and gives up his life so his mother and twin sister can inherit Chavel's wealth. After the war has ended Chavel, unable to keep away from his former home, returns and in disguise takes up a job with Michel's sister Therese, now living there with her elderly mother. She has kept the facts of her brother's death from her mother and despises Chavel. Her hatred only reinforces both Chavel's remorse and his determination to keep his identity secret. This situation cannot last and the arrival of a stranger triggers a violent confrontation. Although there is promising raw material, the production never really delivers. Part of this is due to weaknesses in the script - Chavel is inexplicably not recognised by any of the villagers whom he has known all his life, and the ending is a let down. The other faults lie in the unconvincing realisation of Chavel's haunted state of mind and the limits of time, space and money which make the play less good than it could have been. It never reaches our emotions despite its themes of love, hate and bitterness. There are some good points -Natalie Little, who plays Therese, is strikingly good, and Peter Aubrey (Chavel) is convincing. However, it's a miss. Better luck next time. The Tenth Man' is at the New End Theatre, Hamptead until November 13. Performances are Tuesday to Sunday 8pm, with a matinee at 4 pm on Sunday. Tickets are £5 with concessions. Tlie If^eaveir 31 October 1994 Theatre - 17 Southern comfort 4 A turbulent tale of a dysfunctional family leaves Dennis Lim very impressed ac David Beaird's claimed first play takes place at 900 Oneonta, a plantation home in Louisiana. It's a wickedly irreverent melodrama that - in keeping with its setting of the American old South - deals with sex, money, incest and alcoholism. Sort of like 'Dallas', only good. Dandy (Leland Crooke) is the bitter patriarch of a rich Southern family, with a shockingly foul mouth and an unrelentingly cruel streak. He's dying and he's decided to leave all his money to just one person. Being a right old bastard,, he leaves.it to the only member of his family who couldn't care less about his millions - his drifting loser grandson Tiger (Steven Waddington). But there's one catch - if Tiger doesn't accept his inheritance within one hour of his grandfather's death, all the money goes to the church -yes. Dandy is blessed with a rather twisted sense of humour as well. In the first half, Leland Crooke, hamming it up perfectly, steals the show completely. The second half features superb ensemble acting from a cast of impossibly moiiickered characters lifted right out of a preposterously OTT soap opera. Dandy's dipsomaniac daughter, Persia (Estelle Kohler), her spineless husband Woodrow (Guy Manning) and their children, the aforementioned Tiger, slimy weasel Gitlo (Eddie Izzard) and promiscuous tart Burning Jewel (Elli Garnett). All of which is slightly disturbing when you consider Beaird's claim that his play is partly autobiographical. The story behind Oneonta's arrival in the West End is a remarkable one. After little success trying to stage his show in America, Beaird came to England. 900 Oneonta first played at the Lyric Hammersmith earlier this year, then transferred to the Old Vic and finally moved to the Ambassadors. The appeal is perfectly understandable. This is quite simply an outrageously funny play. Most of the key performers are excellent if you ignore the dubious Southern accents, which are often lacking in both conviction and consistency. Beaird's' script negotiates potentially troublesome topics with admirable aplomb - often lampooning yet never skirting or trivialising the issue. Amidst the Andrew Lloyd-Webber dross plaguing the West End, this is a true gem. COMPETITION We are offering five pairs of tickets to the first five people who can tell us the name of the David Mamet play in which Eddie Izzard made his West End acting debut earlier this year. Answers on a piece of paper to the Beaver office by 2 November at 6 pm AND we've also arranged a special offer with the Ambassadors Theatre. LSE students get £10 off the best seats in the house. They're normally £17.50, but quote "The Beaver Offer" at the box office and you pay £7.50. This offer is valid for all performances except Saturday night.The Box Office number is 071 836 6111 Bravo « Sarah Davis at y the Courtyard Don't panic Petra Massey gives a spar kling performance in her one-woman tragi-comedy 'Panic'. Massey brings the audience intimately close to the life of her character Frankie, a recovering drug abuser and kleptomaniac. The^ .setting is an hour before sunrise and Frankie is lying awake in her bed with someone fast asleep beside her (the 'someone' looks suspiciously like a bad toupee linked to a broomstick). She feels alone and begins rambling on about her life. We start with her childhood where she would scream into a hole and cover it up before any sound could escape, through to an hilarious account of her three mismatched lovers. Most memorable is her second lover whom she left after finding him making love to a stuffed turkey during a party. She describes her life in the hospital after getting hit by a car while trying to escape a store detective chasing her for stolen goods. There she competes for the favours of the ward nurse with an elderly lady who got hit-by a truck and decided to try and get hit by a train to put her one up on the woman. This slightly insane jaunt is a good bet. Reviewed by Philip Lam 'Panic' is playing at the Etcetera Theatre, Camden. til ravo Andy' is set in the ri headmaster's office of a small provincial primary school in nineteenth century Yorkshire and centres on the aspirations of Andrew, an exuberant young school teacher. It is based on the life of Jean Henri Fabre, the entomologist, and reflects the problems of coming from a humble background and being self-educated, constantly facing financial hardship. The atmosphere of the Courtyard Theatre is very friendly and the play is performed completely in the round. Gradually, as the school begins to literally fall down, the stage, initially the headmaster's office, becomes the setting for the staff-room, the dining room, Andrew's classroom and a general thoroughfare for all the character's emotion. Andrew is generally having a hard time of things, he has to battle with the establishment, with his pupils, with his parents and with his feelings for a fellow teacher who has been proposed to by someone else. However, the performance was marred by the skilled and often unemotional deliverance of the script by actors in primary roles. John Lloyd as Andrew Fabre, who also directed the play, managed to move the plot on with his obvious enthusiasm for the part and there were some wonderful minor characters who gave good ¦*. performances. Nevertheless, the headmaster (Peter Haycroft) was rather monotone, even when he was "really quite frustrated" and the object of Andrew's affections, Marie (Sophie Wright) did not really appear capable of exciting so much feeling. Many of the main actors also make up the number of pupils in Andrew's class and enjoy the opportunity to sometimes overact the naughty schoolboy image which detracts from the seriousness of the message of the play. Yet, it is not certain what the message of the play is. 'Bravo Andy' has unfortunately had a rather weak first performance; the funny parts not funny enough, the poignant parts not noticeably poignant. The Courtyard was an ideal setting and the director obviously enthusiastic, yet this was not enough to compensate for a dull plot and dubious acting. 'Bravo Andy' is on at the Courtyard Theatre. Tickets are £5.50 concessions 18 - Comedy T/ie l^eaveir 31 October 1994 Not a New Man Kerrie Henderson sees a solo Rob Newman at the Royal Festival Hall Since parting company with David Baddiel last year, Rob(ert) Newman's image has undergone a bit of a transformation. David has gone into mainstream TV, presenting 'Standing Room Only' for a while and finally carving out a niche for himself as the presenter of Fantasy Football League, a programme which competes with Eurotrash for Fridays night's 'pissed and desperate to watch some junk TV market. Rob, in contrast, has attempted to become more upmarket. His name has now been changed to Robert , and his first novel 'Dependence Day' has just been published. This concert, his first London show in well over a year highlights this change. Traditional comedy venues, such as the Hackney Empire, or Hammersmith Apollo, have been overlooked in favour of the Royal Festival Hall, a name more associated with classical recitals than cult comedy. When Robert takes to the stage (after a half hour wait) he immediately launches into one of his more personal routines, offering us 20 minutes worth of drugs, relationships, and cash machine problems. His material cannot be faulted. Lines such as "Dick hard, mind soft," help explain the reasons for doing the imthinkable (sleeping with an ex for instance.) His talent is also unquestionable. Hecklers are put down almost immediately, and the audience remained attentive and amused by his tales. However, something was missing from his show tonight. His casual super cool style of before has been replaced by what is at times an edgy and somewhat anxious delivery. His set was full of ideas which didn't quite fit together, and Newman himself added to the lack of continuity by standing with his back to the audience and performing a couple of minutes worth of material purely for the benefit of the video cameras nearby. Newman's problem is this. No one part of his act is particularly poor, it's just that his approach , considered to be fresh, innovative and extremely funny two years ago, now seems only mildly amusing. He gets more laughs for his improvised put downs than he does for his scripted gags, some of which receive only mild titters from the audience. Luckily for him what the audience thought was lacking in Newman's stand-up routine, they found in the second part of his act. Jarvis, a super slick high society pervert is, ironically the only character to be retained from his previous TV work. Entering, cigarette in hand to a sleazy pi- ano tune, his first line "They sent me a pianist, they must have been hard of hearing" set a precedent for the rest of the set. Jokes were thick and fast, most of them ooer-missus type puns that were as disgusting as they were amusing. Informing us that he was the man responsible for the recent smear test cock ups he stated " I'll just have to do them all again." The audience, largely won over by Jarvis' attempts at singing, and his horribly creepy laugh, hardly noticed the short set (just over an hour) although some seemed disgruntled at the lack of an encore. In fairness, you have to feel sorry for Newman. Unfortunately for him alternative comedy has evolved since he last played live. Sean Hughes does his Newman tjrpe 'personal tragedy and paranoia ' routines better than Robert himself can manage, and his material itself also presents a problem. It is far too crude for the upniarket audiences his promoters wish to capture, yet too personal to appeal to masses of teenies. His position now is somewhat awkward. The potential he showed whilst working with David Baddiel has not been realised, and unless it is in the very near future, one of comedy's finest talents will end up falling by the wayside. The Unimaginatively titled Punt and Dennis article Our very own private and special comedy club Harold Larwood MBE gets his laughingtackleoutUnderground There's a secret event at the LSE every Saturday night and thank God most of you students haven't found out about it 'cause if you did we'd probably lose it. Yes, Eugene Cheese's Chuckle Club is probaby the best comedy you'll see in your one, two, three or more years in London. Take last Saturday for instance. Some 80-90 people settled down at 8.30pm to watch the Master of Ceremonies Eugene Cheese warm the audience up with the "Chuckle Club song which is a must for audience participation including the famour retort of "Balls!" at every opportune moment. With the audience warmed up the first comic came and went, not bad, but no way as good as Tim Vine, who fits more jokes into his act than seems feasably possible. Even when someone knocked the mike stand forcing a small interlude, he managed to remain funny, a true test of any comedian. After the break a camp comedian tried his best to raise the ghost of Larry Grayson, but failed. Julian Clary has taken that rich vein of vaudeville almost as far as it can go, but he did entertain. The Draylon Underground, an a capella comedy act, saw the audience howling with laughter as a member of the audience, called Dave, was singled out, as he was all night, and roped into a song about audience participation. Whilst the Michael Jackson medley would lead to libel action if it was ever written down. The final act was Jim Maloney, an ex-teacher and seeing his act I can belive he was a good one. His expert use of French as well as his fine line in humour brought the end to a well funny night out. He ended with a medley of "Walk on the Wild Side" and "I'm a Believer" with lyrics that this family newspaper cannot publish. In short if you want to be let in on a well kept secret come on down to the Underground on Saturdays at 8.00pm and become part of the "Chuckle Club" it's better than a night in! THE IMAGINATIVELY TITLED PUNT AND DENNIS TOUR 1994 follows the IMAGINATIVELY TITLED PUNT AND DENNIS SHOW, the first solo series for Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis. The duo have been together for nine years, making their first TV appearances on "Saturday Live" and "Carrott Confidential" in 1987. Performing extensively on the club and college circuit ( at one stage managing 8 gigs in one weekend), they gained experience not just of live work, but of scriptwriting and performing on radio and TV. In 1989 they co-founded Radio I's first comedy show, "The Mary Whitehouse Experience" which ran for 4 series before transferring to BBC2 in January 1991. . From the start they have always wanted to write for a wide audience and between series of "The Mary Whitehouse Experience" they continued as regular guests on BBCl's "Canned Carrott". In October 1992 they set out on their first major live tour "THE MILKY MILKY TOUR". An initial 45 shows sold out so quickly that they became 67 shows. After further extra dates and grossing £3/4 million the show became a top 10 video. After this they made a successful visit to the 1993 Montreal Comedy Festival with Channel 4; on returning Steve and Hugh received offers from both Carlton and the BBC for their own series. After opting for the BBC, they were gob-smacked to find themselves with a BBCl slot. All that remained was to choose a title. They chose "THE IMAGINA- TIVELY TITLED PUNT AND DENNIS SHOW'. Strictly speaking, they are the first "alternative" comedians to have been given a pre 9pm watershed slot, but they have never liked the "alternative" label. They are no friends of the Broadcasting Standards Council (having received a huge amount of complaints for machine-gunning a puppy on "The Mary Whitehouse Experience") - but overall, they are proud of the fact that they have done encores at the Comedy Store and appeared on "Des O Connor Tonight". If you wish to see the THE IMAGINATIVELY TITLED PUNT AND DENNIS TOUR, it will be arriving in London's Drury Lane Theatre on 20 November. If you are lucky the Beaver may be able to run a competition giving away some free tickets, otherwise you'll just have to buy them from the Box Office, prices range from £11.50 to £13.50. ^he Reaver 31 October 1994 What's On -19 REV9EW THE LSE DEBATING SOCIETY Suggested List of Motions *T!'his House believes Democracy is government by the mob" Wed Nov 2 at l:00pin in A85 ''This House believes that Socialism is the philosophy of the world's gutless failures" Wed Nov 9 at 1:00pm in A85 JAZZ SOCIETY JAM Session Every Wednesday, in The Underground 2:00 to 5:00pm Watch Out for Tribeca (3 Nov) and Roy Ayers (21 Nov) SCANDINAVIAN SOCIETY presents the film "My life as a dog" 7:30pm Thurs, 3 Nov in E171 (New Theatre) Any Society wanting to advertise in The Beaver should leave a note in the What's On tray in the Beaver Offive (E197) to Valerie Handal or Priyanka Senadhira before 1:00pm on Wednesday for the following week. LANGUAGES FANCY JAPANESE ?? Interested students shold come along either: Mondays Fridays 2:00-3:00pm 3:00-4:00pm FREE ITALIAN!! S75 S53 The Italian Society (in conjuction with the Dante Alighlerl School) is proud to offer Free Italian Language Classes to its members. Beginners: Thursdays 1:00-2:00pm S075 Intermediates: Mondays 1:00-2:00pm G1A All students will receive a certificate from the Dante Alighieri language Scool at the End of the course. New membership (£2.00) available in the classes. Public Lectures Mondav 31st October "The conservative Party" by Sir Teddy Taylor M.P. 1:00pm in X229 (North) Tuesdav 1 November "London's Future as a World-Class Financial Centre: A Positive Programme" by Sir Nicholas Goodison, Chairman of the TSB Group pic 5:30pm in The Old Theatre Chair: Professor Michael Leifer Wednesdav 2 November "The State of our Prisons" by His Honour Judge Stephen Tumin, Chief Inspector of Prisons for England and Wales 6:00 for 6:30 pm, 5th Floor Main Building Thursdav 3 November "Russia in the Imperial Morror" by Dominic Lieven, Professor of Russian Government 5:30 pm Old Theatre Chair: Dr. J.M.Ashworth, Director THIRD WORLD FIRST NATIONAL CONFERENCE "Who Rims the Worldr with AND A Conference on IMFAVorld Bank Policies on the Third World Dr Susan George Luis Reveco, Third World First Sr Angie Donado, Philippines Geoffrey Lamb, World Bank London Office Paul Ekins, Birkbeck College International Experts, Theatre, Music & Dance 5-6 Nov, at the LSE For Further Information: Donna Mackinnon, Third World First, 217 Cowley Road, Oxford 0X4 IXG. Tel: 0865 245 678. IMIB DO DENTISTS TERRIFY YOl; " ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HATES BEING ASKED STUPID QUESTIONS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? EUGENE CHEESE presents the CHUCKLE CLUB The Friendliest Place in the known universe! A Comedy show you will understand! Every Saturday at the L.S.E. Underground Bar, Houghton St. VVt Doors open 7-45. Admission - Students £4-00, Others Saturday Oct 29th IVOR DEMBINA- Comic Stand it IAN KEABLE- Comic Magician LINDSAY MORAN" Comic Accordt ALSO EVERY TUESDAY FROM NOVEP In the Underground Bar at 8pm CHEAP N^ CHEERFUL ¦;r 1st NEW COMEDY ACTS! ONLY f 1-00 dssion They will Thrill you! They will Amuse you, and now and ti they will bore the pants off you, but then nothin All enquiries 071 476 1672 Isiit very rarely, rfect! 20 - Music Tlie l^eaver 31 October 1994 Mr Rogers & Skippy Barnet ruminateandthen bite chunks out of CUD i saw CUD for the first time in April this year at Reading university, having only ever heard two of their songs and to be honest I was well impressed. I had never before seen a band that played to the audience so well. They seemed to actually enjoy being there and were playing with great passion and enthusiasm. I made a point Be of seeing them again four months later again in Reading but this time at the festival, where they were by far the best band to play there this year. So, imagine my delight when I was put on the guest list for their gig at the Electric Ballroom in Camden last Tuesday. I invited Skippy to join me and we beered ourselves up and left Carr Saunders. Swaggering to the front of the queue we proudly announced our names only to be told there was a guest list fee of a quid each. Bastards. Then we couldn't find the manager for our backstage passes and when we did find him he didn't know where the band were. They continued to piss us off by running out of decent lager. Don't ever drink their house brand 'Electric Lager' because it tastes like dogshit. After consuming a few jars of this exotic delicacy we were finally presented with our backstage passes. There was still a good half an hour to go-before they arrived on stage so we passed the time by pretending to some scantily clad females that we were from the NME and the passes were so we could have a beer with our celeb-Jr rity pals CUD. Then we gazed in amusement as two young men were beaten up and ejected for the simple crime of having a play fight. After much deliberation the band entered the stage. I rushed to the front as they started with a little known track taken from their first album 'Asquarius'. They then took a huge gamble by going straight into their famous song 'Rich and Strange' to a fantastic reaction from the front section of the crowd. We jumped and bobbed about madly and some fat ginger wanker elbowed me in the py face and split my lip open. After four songs in the mosh I had to leave because I was going to die. Similarly everyone else left and by the last song there was only a hard core of about five marines still jumping, their gamble failing. Once again they had performed brilliantly although not quite as brilliantly as the previous two occasions. We paused for ten minutes so that we could catch our breath and let CUD recuperate. Sweat « N. CUD: There not big and they're not clever soaked with blood pouring from my lip we ambled backstage through a door into a garden shed. There within we found two CUD's lounging shabbily on a scabby sofa swigging some shit lager. To our disappointment there were two gig-gling arse-licking stupid fuckwit girlies from a two-bit polytechnic representing a fanzine written entirely by themselves, read only by their families. They didn't even have the manners to be good looking. Mere words cannot describe the elation we were feeling at this point, we had just watched a superb show and were now faced with two future stars. They had been billed as mad fat bastards and the scene was set. The dictaphone was primed and dangerous and the well prepared question sheet was grasped 'twixt my sweaty hands. "Kylie (Minogue) is like sterile UHT milk" Sadly our wit and sophistication was no match for two pairs of breasts as CUD proceeded to ignore us for the majority of the night and instead decided to answer lame, boring questions and listen to high pitched shrills that passed as laughter. For fifteen minutes I could see Skippy get- Photo: Agency ting more and more riled by the inept questions arising from said girlies which finally erupted in a drunken bellow of "oh for fucks sake ask an interesting question will you?", which suc-. ceeded in getting their attention. Carl Puttnam, the lead singer was neither mad nor fat and when asked if he could __beat Noel Gallagher (singer from Oasis) in a fight he waffled into some crappy anecdote that was neither interesting or amusing and didn't have a punchline. The subject of cannabis was brought up and they shied away from the subject like we were their parents. The concept of irony seemed to completely escape them. When we asked them who was the hardest in the band Carl rambled on about the drummers violent tendencies. The phrase 'only hard in the boys showers' springs to mind. Credit where credit's due their answer to the old Kylie versus Danni debate showed a bit of promise when Mike compared Kylie to sterile U.H.T milk and Danni to whipped cream. They did however ruin it all by proclaiming Sonia as even better still. The stupid girlies even had the audacity to accuse us of plagiarising the Guardian. As if we read the bloody Guardian! We only read quality publications such as The Sun, The Mirror and The Beaver. We seriously doubt that the question "If murder was legal who would you kill, how would you do it and why?" has ever been posed in the Guardian or any other similar such publication. Carls' answer was in the same bleeding heart liberal whine that was their tone all evening. It was a shower of verbal shite which went on about how he didn't agree with murder etc. Yawn. In the process of doing so he completely missed the point of the question which was about who he hated most and not about the morality of murder. This brings up the question of why is it that "celebrities" refuse to slag each other off" and why does the proximity of poorly packaged oestrogen cause a sudden altering of personality to become a big-headed self important arsewipe with a rhetoric of crap anecdotes and feeble attempts at humour. If they were trying to impress the girlies, it worked. If they were trying to impress us however it failed due our having in excess of three brain cells. Carls' attempt to impress us involved an ill-educated meandering spiel on the subject of imports versus exports stopped mercifully when Skippy pointed out that he was talking shite and didn't know a thing about economics, and that we did geography anyway. One question among many that we failed to ask was why they had never made it big. After this interview I now know. If you want to see them live, I heartily recommend it, just don't ever bother talking to them. If I ever get the chance to interview them again I'll make damn sure that there's no stupid tarts squeaking over the top of me so that I stand a chance of getting some half decent answers out of them, I might even try stajdng sober as well. T/te i^eaver 31 October 1994 Music - 21 Meat and two veg Rob Cheetham takes a look at the main Animal course at the Astoria 2, but prefers the Salad on the side These Animal Men are hard because they eat meat whilst Saad prefer a little vegatablel Photo: Roslyn Gaunt Salad are 'very big in Europe', according to the woman flogging their T-shirt at the Astoria set last 'Thursday, where they supported These Animal Men. This roughly translates as Marijne van der Vlugt is very big in Europe': the band's tasty lead singer is a presenter on MTV and it's her name rather than Salad's which rings a bell with the people I've spoken to . Whether or not the band would currently be as successful without Marijne's face and various other bits of her repeatedly exposed for ratings purposes on MTV is a matter of debate. Probably not if the set at the Astoria was anything to go by. This isn't entirely because of the music, which is a kind of a non-threatening vaguely L7 grunge thing, as if the music off the Sony Minidisc advert had been bred with a Levi soundtrack. But this was exactly the feeling that Salad conveyed. Their performance seemed more like a group of session musicians called in by Saatchi and Saatchi and asked to help promote Marijne van der Vlugt's career than a cohesive band with a passion for what they were playing. The lighting bloke obviously thought the same. Judging from the way he lit her up in alternating blue and orange and left the rest of the group virtually invisible. 'We're very big in Europe, actually' syndrome. Salad are very much having a pre-album high: we're an alternative band with a good name, a guitarist , and an attractive lead singer, yeah, we think we're Suede. As such they failed to arouse emotion in the crowd. 'Kent', 'Problematique' then straight into 'What do you say about that'?': song after song they tried to explode into higher gear. Marijne has lots of hair and did everything she could with it, hiding behind it in the mellow bits and throwing it about liberally in the guitary bits, but this was just a blatant waste of calories. 'The audience was much less involved with the songs than she was, a significant part of the crowd clearly more concerned with Marijne's small lime-green top and skintight Wranglers than the music. There was some stirring when the band went into 'On a Leash', especially amongst a hard core of 'Did you have to be so beefy?' T-shirts. And there was this one guy with spiky hair who just bounced up and down for the duration of both sets, a sad indictment of the government's 'care in the community ' policy. It must be said though, that the crowd was underwhelmed with Salad, their fans but a sprinkling in an ocean of white trainers and blue Adidas tracksuits. I spoke to Paul, guitarist, in the lobby and he put this down to a balls up on the publicity front with nothing actually mentioned about the gig in NME or Time Out. Sure. Whatever the reason, the people who were there clearly viewed Salad as support and were conserving their energy for These Animal Men. I have to admit to being a traitor to my generation in the These Animal men department, In that while I've read all the hype about them, this was the first time I'd actually heard them play. It was probably the aesthetics of the whole thing that put me off. All those small T-shirts and short haircuts. Regardless of theft-crap dress sense, however, they brought an impressive emotion to their performance that made you feel like going and smashing something up and then getting chips on the way home. This is what bands are supposed to do to you and what Salad didn't do. The contrast was painful: the audience thrashed about, got on each others shoulders and stage dived. Behind the band, huge slides were rapidly projected -of people and buildings interspersed with words like 'Conflict' and 'Violence' creating an overall effect very much like an MWX jingle or a Benetton advert. This went well with the aggression with which the vocals and guitar intros were delivered. This was a band that worked together. I mean, I'm not going to go out and get a tracksuit top or anything, but don't fall into the Nirvana trap of dissing them just because they're fashionable: These Animal Men are a refreshing change from all those bands with goaty beards who in their heart of hearts want to be Soundgarden. "NATO'S SHAMELESS WAR ATROCITIES" Luke Richardson reviews Laibacii's "NATO" on i^ute Records While other unmentionables tripped the light fantastic, to review the recent CUD concert and to interview the band with some very, lets say, revealing questions, I was left at home. As Mr "music editor" Rogers and Skippy Barnet, the two now mentioned unmentionables, departed for battle, I was handed this CD to review. The album was by way of a runner up prize and to remind me of what I was missing. (Cynical I hear you say, no, just a bad loser). The first track was in and playing, as the lads disappeared with the usual mosh survival kit of Doc Martins and a colostomy bag (If anyone has ever been caught in the middle of a mosh, after 8 pints of gig standard watery lager, you'll know what the colostomy bag is for). As this track progressed I knew I was in f6r.a bad night! From what I can make out, Laibach are a German band who have been around for a very longtime, well for seven albums at least, (by the way if anyone's ever heard of them please don't hesitate to contact me). This seventh album called "Nato" sounded quite original to me and consisted of cover versions of old hits such as Pink Floyd's "Dogs of War" and Europe's "Final count down". (Minus the well groomed blond chest wigs). Crikey even Gustav Hoist gets a look in with his "Mars the Bringer of War". If you haven't already twigged by now, all the songs have a theme of battle, mayhem and destruction. Needless to say they have a profound political message for us all; as their country has gone through major political change, so they want to put across to us their response to these changes "in Europe and in the world orders". Sadly this went straight over my head within the first thirty seconds airtime. (Don't call me shallow.) The tracks you've probably heard many times before but never quite in this arrangement. These new arrangements defy description but I will endeavour to give you a little taster anyway. Avoiding the sad and obvious phrases such as crap, boring and oh did I forget to mention crap, this album is to say the least very strange. LSD must be very popular in Germany because these boys were off their heads when they came up with this little gem. The pseudo-operatic/techno version of Edwin Starr's "War" certainly took me by surprise. I was however shocked and appalled when I heard track seven as it is obvious to me that the band wantonly went out and abducted a sacred order of Benedictine Monks forcing them to record funeral dirges as a background for "25 25". This track however would not be out of place as atmosphere music to Uthur Pendragon's fully armoured shagging scene in "Excalibur". The album cover bears a striking resemblance to REM's "Automatic for the People" (maybe that's what fooled me into listen- ing to it in the first place). The lads have opted for the old marketing ploy of sticking a bare-chested nymphet on their album cover (did I say nymphet, I meant necrophiliac). Nice try boys but next time if you insist on nakedness make sure it's presentable first. The band fails to appear anywhere within the album cover, which is a shame (I'd have liked to check their eyes for evidence of my LSD theory). They obviously bottled out of showing their faces so they couldn't be linked with this unfortunate album. They only thing of interest in the cover I could find was a section from the NATO decree drawn up in Washington (well it gave me something to read as I suffered on through the remaining tracks). Well that's LAIBACH "NATO". Bring back the Warsaw Pact. The only thing worthy of this NATO is an escalation of hostilities and a full-on nuclear strike. 2a2 Tlie l^eaver 31 October 1994 • FRESH HAIR SALON • the best student offer in london! CUT BLOW D R Y £14.....LADIES £12.....MEN Normal price: £28! Call: 071 823 8968 GET READY - GET FRESH! where to find us! < 15A HARRINGTON ROAD, SOUTH KENSINGTON, LONDON SW7 3ES J minute walk from South Kensington Tube Station!! ^ ' ' -Tv ' ' S * T 1 ' • ^ ' Access, Visa, Mastercard, Cash, Cheques I.T. HELP DESK ADVISORS REQUIRED IT Services is forming a Help Desk service to support taught students in their use of Information Technology at the School and is now recruiting post graduate students as Help Desk Advisors. Enthusiasm, good communication skills and an aptitude for solving problems are the most important qualities required. The role involves staffing the Help' Desk on a rota basis to offer advice and help on the basic use of the LSE network and the most commonly used packages such as WordPerfect and electronic mail. This duties mainly consist of providing answers to simple or commonly asked questions and, for the more complicated enquiries, gathering the appropriate information so that they can be referred to members of IT Services. Candidates are expected to have familiarity with the School's IT facilities and should have a good working knowledge of WordPerfect and Vax mail. Training will be provided to include support skills and to broaden your IT proficiency if necessary as the work could involve supporting software on Vax, DOS, Windows and Apple Macintosh. Advisors will be expected to work a minimum of six hours per week, paid at the normal School's rates of pay for Occasional Research Assistants. For more details, contact Mark Toole, the User Support Manager of IT Services, preferably by email at "toole@lse.ac.uk". THE LSESU CAFE OPENING HOURS ARE FROM 10AM TO 4PM MONDAY ^ TO FRIDAY Jobs, Jobs, Jobs &more Jobs Part-timetemporary positions availableoncampusfor outgoing, enthusiastic second and third year students with excellent communication and interpersonal skills. Must beabletowork2eveningsperweek, Monday to Thursday, from 6pm until 10pm contacting alumni of the University on behalf of LSE. Starting salary will be £5/hour Formoreinformationcontact AndrewHarvey on0719556768. Jfi\t Anyone Interested in laying out or working on the Alternative Prospectus? Contact Ola Budzlnsica Ext. 7471 This is a paid position. The weekly Beaver Collective meetings in S78, Mondays at 6.00pm All Welcome! Letters, articles, competition entries, wiiat's on adverts, unsoiicited articles and anything else for the Beaver can be left in the mailboxes on our distribution bins, LSESU reception, the Beaver office in E197 or on the Vax/ E-mail (Beaver). To be considered for publication, prizes or insertion all the above items must arrive before 6pm on Wednesday. For articles, especially unsolicited ones, the Beaver cannot guarantee publication. To guarantee publication, you must seethe respective Editor by attending the weekly collective meeting. If possible, could they be typed, laser printed or on IBM or Mac disks. Old fashioned handwriting isOKtoo. T#ie l^eaver 31 October 1994 Sport - 23 What a goal!!! Captain Cooper's curler culls college As Wednesday approached, there were some very unhappy souls ,, in the second team camp, .as the fantasy football valuations had been causing heated debate. Tim Ludford-Thomas was absolutely fuming at the harsh but fair criticism of the previous week and brought his best banjo out onto the field in search of the elusive cow's arse. Meanwhile, the entire team were questioning the £200 price tag placed on the skipper. Both had a point to prove and by the end of this dramatic encounter people were queuing up outside the Beaver office with sleeping bags in an attempt to snaffle up these bargains. The game started in the usual fashion-handshake, coin toss, referees whistle and injury to Frank Novek. Five minutes this week took his combined tally to sixty minutes in three games before the hamstring gave way again. Fortunately, five minutes into the game is the time when Nic Jones turns up and so we proceeded with new heart and reshuffled back-four. A scoreless first half was notable only for a fine goal-line clearance from Danny Fielding. "If only Alice had been here to see that, she would be mine," he mused to himself amid congratulations from the rest of the side. The rousing half-time team talk had its usual effect as they scored immediately. Heads dropped but LSE's dead-ball specialist Chris 'goals' Cooper had other ideas. A free kick from nearly 30 yards is as good as a penalty on the seconds' pitch and the captain duly levelled matters. Spectators gasped in awe as it curled, swerved, rose and dipped before finally nestling snugly in the back of the net. Several words sprung to mind such as Samba, Pele, bargain and fortunate but truly it was a great goal. One apiece, it was time to meet an old friend. Jay the Jazzer, GBH Jay, shit skinhead tosser-call him what you will, he finally opened his account after three fruitless outings against us last year. Surprisingly it came from a header, the only other part of his anatomy other than his mouth that works, although some said it came not off his head but the very large dick that is perched on top of it. He played alright this game but he's still the shittest player I have ever seen. As the game drew into its final minutes, LSE took their final thtow of the dice. Cooper hoisted a free-kick into the box, Dave Keane got the flick-on and the ball fell at the feet of Graham Walker, two yards out with no-one within sight of him. He couldn't miss, but he did. Luckily, Ludford-Thomas was at his predatory best and he thumped it into the roof of the net from just inside the box. Sounds good doesn't it, but add the words empty and six-yard into the last sentence for a more accurate reflection of it. That's the third draw in a row for the darlings of the pools punters, and progress in the UAU is still possible. More importantly, some fantasy league reputations have been salvaged, others ruined. Ludford-Thomas has two goals now, Cooper one, and Kinnear and Granditsch are quaking in their inferior boots at the threiat coming up on the rails. Next week it's UCL and a win should ensure progress to the knock-out stages. We'll probably draw though. M Captain Cooper gawps in amazement as his shot goes in Photo: Library Thirds win despite IMcGraw odour Victory soured by Brendon shower controversy It was a day for giant killing on the leafy fields of New Maiden on Wednesday as the thirds took on a Holloway side from the division above and came away with the points in a classic encounter. LSE took an early lead when Dave Whippe put behind him a catalogue of horrendous misses to chip their gnome from the edge of the six-yard box. That's the first of the season for Whippe but he still hasn't pulled in his time here. Maybe he could help his cause by going after someone unattached, rather than the steady slapper of a girlfriend of one of his mates. Home-wrecking aside, it was a great performance from the bouffanted one. Tragedy struck soon after when Club Captain Bongo Ki-ora went off with a suspected case of Malaria, but unsurprisingly his absence merely strengthened the side. The second goal was a credit to germ warfare. As Brendon McSmelly raised his arms to take a throw, their entire team was momentarily paralysed, allowing Matt Miller to waltz through and finish with ease. He forced his way through the defence like he forces his way through bedroom windows and took revenge for his dumping at the hands of his Holloway girlfriend moments before the game. Serbian refugee Andreja Popov completed the scoring as he drove through their defence like a tank through the streets of Sarajevo, and rifled home in sniper-like fashion with a powerful header at the Bos-near post. The defence remained solid throughout which was fortunate because that flying pig of a keeper Lowen would have fumbled anything into the back-of the net. The game was marred by a mysterious injury to their right midfielder when his gas-mask slipped off in a challenge with Brendon. The game was soured unfortunately when McGraw, keeping up his soap strike in protest at the lack of mean skirt-wearing men at this institution, refused the shower despite passionate pleas from the Environmental Health Office. His rancid stench allowed him a car- riage to himself and accounted for an unusually quiet night in the Tuns, despite the best efforts of Sean "Superfan" Samson to liven things up by stealing from the Underground bar. It's QMW in the cup on Saturday but Brendon's going home for the weekend. He still won't have a bath though. A tall story of success LSE 90 RHUL 86 Brent Mcintosh It almost took a thirty-foot bank shot at the buzzer to give the LSE basketball team victory. Kyle Garman's miracle shot as time ran out apparently broke the tie, although a scorers error meant that Royal Holloway's 86 point was four short of LSE's total. Garman's shot put an exclamation point on LSE's comeback from a 15 point deficit. RHUL built the lead through the unconscious shooting of one player. Despite being double- and sometimes triple-teamed, RH's Erik Weiss, a fifty foot colossus of a man, burnt LSE for 62 points, throwing in nine three pointers and 21 of 21 three throws-, all the while talking trash to anyone in earshot. All his trash came back to him though, as a technical foul assessed to him after another player's personal foul gave LSE's Andy Stabb four free throws. All four found the net, giving LSE a four point lead and. giving Stabb, an eleven foot four inch guard, high score honours for LSE with 21. "My coach used to say to me in the showers," Stabb, you've got a cute butt-I hope you live up to your name". He also used to say "when you're this short, you'd better make free throws"" Stabb said jubilantly as the team sat in their grow-bags after the match. LSE's center (actually in this country it's spelt cenTRE, alright-Chris and Angus), two-inch Lilliputian international Sal Lucia put in 15 points, none from more than four feet, a total matched by German Wayne Tuitt, who also guarded Weiss with Stabb. "Weiss wasn't 62 points good. The refs made him. Without those two midgets, he might have only scored 55 or 56" Tuitt said afterwards. "The refs were too short to see what was going on. I think they beat their wives." (Note for womens group - We know that you won't believe this one bit, but we did not put thatin. It was really them. The Sports Editors do not condone wife-battering, in any shape or form, even if our dinner was not on the table on time-Angus & Chris) The team has no idea when its next game is, nor how it will win. For anyone interested in joining the team, all are welcome, provided they are over seven foot tall. Club Noize Only a few months into the sea son and already the Division One big boys are glancing nervously over their shoulders as the Luton army marches steadily up the table. After 4 away wins, and having trovmced Robo's much feted Boro' 5-1, Luton are poised in_ 7th place to take the play-ofFs by storm. It looks like Pleaty has finally moulded the team to relive the heady days of the early eighties. Ian St. John called it the best Cup Final ever, the Littlewoods Cup, Wembley '88,2-1 down to the mighty Arsenal, Dibble heroically saves Winterbums penalty, Gus Caeser is having a mare, Wilson heads in from close range with extra time beckoning, Stein sweeps home Grimes' right footed cross to let Fozzie climb the steps, and hold aloft British Footballs most cherished prize aloft. The next few years saw the departure of many of Britains' most talented players. Donaghy and Sealey went to Man. United, whilst Stein and Hill went to ply their trades abroad. More importantly, Chairman Evans left, taking with him all the money that had kept the team afloat. Five successive seasons saw Luton having to win on the last day of the season to stay up. Finally, after victories over Norwich and Derby, twice Luton succumbed to the gravitational pull. Like many smaller clubs, we could only stay afloat by selling our great est talents, Kingsley Black to Forest, Lars Elstrup to Odense, Roy Wegerle to QPR, and Mark Pembridge to Derby. Whilst the deals proved lucrative, no money was made available to purchase replacements. This however is the type of challenge Pleaty relishes. Once famed for not being able to get into second gear in the less salubrious areas of Luton, Mr. Pleat has bounced back from the ultimate disappointment of Spurs and Leicester, and has returned home. No other manager has the ability to nurture young talent, and rejuvenate the careers of footballs older statesmen. Dixon, Peake and Waddock are in the best form of their lives, and with the youth fill audacity of Oakes, Telfer, and Hartson the blend is complete. Last season these boys captured the hearts and imagination with their storming F. A. Cup run culminating at Wembley. Oakes captured the headlines, but the real star is Hartson. What greater tribute could be made to a young player than to call him the new Mick Harford? The boy has the world at his feet, more talented than Giggs, and uglier than Dowie, he has it all. Unbeatable in the air, and clinical in front of goal, he is surely destined for greater things. Pleats eye for a bargain has paired him up with Plymouth reject Dwight Marshall, this boy has more pace and touch in his little finger, than Cole has in his entire body. Shilton must be really kicking him self,'instead of his wife, for letting this little gem slip through his fingers. All that the 'Town need to reaffirm their Premiership status is their plans for a new 20,000 seater stadium to come to fruition. Kenilworth Road may rank as one of the top five in the country, but Chairman Kohler has a dream. The only question is with Luton's average attendance being 2000, who is going to fill the other 18,000 seats? Luton deserve a place in the heart of every true football fan for that great day in the eighties. Not only did they send Martin Lewis' trophiless scum down to the division that is their rightful home, but it allowed Pleaty to do his merry dance, resplendent in his polyester dung coloured suit and hush puppies. He'd better get them out of the loft again because come July there's going to be singing and dancing on the streets of Bedfordshire. And you can take that to the bank. 24 - Sport Tlie Reaver 31 October 1994 Houghton Hcurry f there's one thing that sets Lon-. do^apart from of the. country it's the problem of the homeless. Now, before you think this is going to be the sort of crap about the socio-political problems that the Government has caused, and stop reading, I ask for a moment of your attention. It's not the principle of homelessness that I disagree with (however hard it is to ac-cept-it is inevitable), it's the homeless themselves. Tramps, bums, vagrants, hoboes - call them what you will, they really piss me off. Cold-hearted as it may sound, it's hard to have sympathy for smelly, stroppy pissheads who wear shit clothes and wank profusely, and this is coming from someone who last year took one under his wing, cleaned him up and helped him get a job as Beaver Campus editor. Now imagine the scenario. You're no longer a little rich student with all your Ralph Lauren polo shirts, tucked up in the warm splendour of your luxury hall/ flat, but now you have no home, one set of clothes and only £30 a week to live on. I do Economics and, as scant consolation for the fact that I'm going to get a third class degree, I am able to talk about the rational consumer. A rational consumer would spend his income (ooh, bit technical there) on nourishment, a sturdy pair of shoes or perhaps a nice warm blanket for the winter months. But no. The tramp spends it on lager. And not just any old lager, he buys Tennents Super, the most expensive, horrible-tasting drink one could sup. No wonder they're all so bloody poor when they pay £1.28 a can for that crap. Besides, when I drink Super it isn't until after two cans that I start doing things I regret in the morning, whereas the tramp starts singing, falling over and pissing his pants after two sips. Especially when you consider that all they do is drink, tramps are such lightweights that they could soon be pushing for a place in the first team midfield. If I was homeless and had to resort to begging, I would probably go to the most expensive hotels and try to get handouts from those that don't need it themselves. On the other hand, the tramps go outside the Island Theatre and ask students for money, despite the fact that they are better-dressed, cleaner and better-off than the majority of LSE students. Personally I can't see the point of giving any proportion of my hard-earned grant to someone else for getting drunk and being lary to passers-by, when I can do this quite capably myself. However, for those with a conscience (I know there are some of you out there) who want to do something, there is always the option of buying the Big Issue. 'Helping the homeless help themselves' in this way is a lovely idea, as 30p of each copy sold goes to the cheery salesperson, but there is one slight hitch. The Big Issue is a complete pile of shit. Admittedly I do not expect poetry of Keats', or Shelleys', standard but Mad Terry's haunting sonnet, entitled "Visions from my piss-stained box" hardly stirs the fires in my heart. And as for the 'human interest' element, I cannot see the news value of "Irish Tom, age unknown, died tragically when a new delivery to the tip suffocated him in his sleep." The best thing you can do to ease the problem of London's homeless is to make sure that you don't go the way of Pass field Bar Managers and ex-4th team cap tains and end up there yourself._ Curtis catches Crabs Girls-stay away fromb STD Steve. LSE 3 RHUL2 Chris Cooper oySlHH'blloway bring buS^Tsatl memories for the first team. Jot so much for the one-nil defeat of a week ago, but for the humiliating 11-0 dicking of last year. But things are different now. George Lovell and Danny Raymond are just fond memories for visiting wingers, while Lowen plies his appalling trade in the lowly thirds. It was time to put the record straight and the boys did it in style. It didn't run according to plan initially though as Holloway took the lead early on. No-one is quite sure whose fault it was but eye-witness reports seemed to attach blame to a large German/American full-back whose name escapes us. Tragedy struck minutes later when Nick Blunden pulled up lame with an injury to his hind hoof. As he was carried into the ambulance it looked like he was going to be taken to the knackers yard to be turned into glue and Big Macs, but it was not as bad as first expected and his summer season giving rides to kids on Blackpool beach should still go ahead. It got worse when Nick ChuckedbyMollybos came a distant second in a foot race with their forward. Spectators remarked that he was no Linford Christie although Molly claims he regularly 'crosses the line' in under 10 seconds. 2-0 at the turn, LSE needed a great goal to inspire them. Unfortunately it was a Grant Delea special which even his nine year-old girlfriend may have saved. Apparently he shows his Dad his reports and if you're reading this Mr Delea, his goals really are shit and he honestly does pull under-age girls. We think he's still young enough to go over your knee to end his law-breaking ways. « mmi Catching crabs with the LSE rowing eight This is the bit I hate. LSE's equalizer was a great goal from Angus Kinnear and I'll hand you over to him to describe it. "Well Chris, Delea had the ball and he back-heeled it to me. After taking it round six of them I looked up. Still no space. So I ghosted past another six of them, checked that my hair was still in place, and curled an exquisite strike in from 30 yards. Their England Universities keeper tried his best but I knocked it past him with consummate ease. And there it was, in the back of the net Chris." 10 minutes to go and it was two a piece and then Delea was crudely brought down in the box in mid-crap shot. The ref said penalty and up stepped Jimmy Trees. Still smarting from his near miss at Rose-bery, where he suffered a thumping defeat at the hands of the second team, he Photo: Steve East was given the chance to make amends. The keeper made a great save, but it was only the divot that was sent in seconds earlier. In true Trees tradition it didn't touch the sides and the crowd went wild. 3-2 but everyone was unhappy in the showers. The reason for this was that STDve Curtis had something rather nasty on his genitals. He's been ITCHING to play but must avoid these RASH challenges. Rumour has it that he caught it off his ex-girlfriend although 'playing' with Shandy is really the cause of it. The lads know to steer well clear of Steve's girls, although I'd guess their mingers anyway. As for Steve, any women out there be warned. With the state that his 'shooting boot' is in, you'd rather have Carsten (probably). STUFFED CORNISH TURKEY LETS DOWN 14 SOARING EAGLES By THE DEAKSTER _(Amsterdam)_ LSE. 1st 14 fought gallantly against unexpected odds in a desperately fought battle pitched versus an enemy vastly superior in numbers. Having entered the brutal dual evenly matched the unsuspecting warriors found themselves within minutes confronted by a member within their ranks who had clearly arrived at New Maiden without a backbone. After the earlier loss of LSEs star lock, this cowardly action was not only unfortunate but untimely ! The other 14 members maintained their steely composure. Hence, despite a relentless onslaught of Royal Holloway pressure the score was a mere 3-0 at the turn; thanks here must go to Aji and Dashwood-Gallimore whose inability to stand upright seemed to have a detri- 0 LSE rugby boys and their traditional communal half time piss-up: Photo N.Boyce mental effect upon the Holloway place kicker. The second half saw LSE find a second gear. They were now inspired by the miraculous recovery of "The Cornish Turkey" who had managed to regain sufficient strength to offer his invaluable advice from the safety of the touchline, even though the gloomy shadow of death still hung over him. Brian Femi led from the front with a spectacular try to leave the score at 13-7 as we entered the closing stages. A mention here must go to Dave Benchos who had only recently booked out of the Barry Bethal Slim-Fast Clinic to make two dramatic and totally out of character try saving tackles. John McKee managed to keep his composure despite the inadequacies of his two back row comrades; Ben-Sheep-shagger Johnston, and Don't-mention-the-Falklands Fernando. The engine room was generated by the LSE's new found answer to Seamus McQuade, Big Jim. Mutley's impish prowess enabled him to evade the lustful claws of his opposite number! Unfortunately, however, the final score of 25-7 was not a true reflection of the gutsy LSE performance. Lower down the food chain Nick Hindle's merry bunch waltzed to a 60-0 victory (defeat surely Ed) We now turn our attentions to UCL as we wait with baited breath for news on our fly half from the Vidal Sasson Intensive Care Unit.